im going to try to detox (anybody who is new to this or even long time clean HELP please im so scarred )

[gutsnglitter]

(i wonder if anyone is where im at or past withdrawal but still new please tell me how it was and how they did it i dont know if what happend today and medication i received is going to work)
i decided last night if im wanting this i should just do it, i was going to wait a bit and set a date but i just want to be clean now, i dont like the anticipation of dreading the withdrawal so i went to a detox this morning and they turned me away, they were full, and cant go back to try and get in till monday so i went to a doctor, one i didnt know so i could tell them everything and not feel so ashamed he said i must tell mine though...yeah we will see
so this doctor gave me diazapam i think i spelled that wrong and attivan and arthrotec i guess thats an anti inflammatory for my pain? who knows havnt looked it up yet.
so im gona do it, i gave the rest of my pills to a friend and told them i dont want to see them or pills again, he didnt seem to care about me ditching him.
so im starting this morning
Also someone asked in my post from yesterday if i get help for my anxiety,
i used to before all this became a problem but i haven't been going to my therapist for about a year and stopped taking my medication about a year ago as well because well i stopped going to my appointments and stopped getting prescriptions, when i take alot of oxy's i feel ok, not much anxiety so it was unnecessary to bother in my mind, at the time, i am going to start going again after im clean and i will tell them everything and see if they may be able to help with the addiction also.
i think with reading all the happy clean story's on here it will help me through the worst,
still have not felt like posting into anybody's other post's, still scarred i guess.
the people here seem nice but im shy and anxious and dont know how to get involved very well and i really wish i could,
i know it would be helpful to become involved but i dont want to stick my nose where it doesn't belong i guess,
i feel very strange right now i wish i could just be normal
i am sorry i may seem off, but honestly i have never felt fear like this before
i am so afraid and not just for the withdrawal but the staying away from these drugs for the future, if anyone has any thoughts or advise PLEASE i need it and anybody who is just starting and have days weeks even ahead of me, please talk to me i am desperate
ok well it took me 25 minutes to write this because i am so afraid and anxious and really want to just curl up and die i dont know if i can do this but i have never wanted to have anything more than this thank you for reading my depressed post here, i have no one to talk to so im really hope i can find someone here.....................  

[tgtiffany]

That's good, just try to stay busy :)  And don't forget to SMILE!!!!

[gutsnglitter]

thank you tgtiffany, i think im feeling alittle better today

[tgtiffany]

My husband has bad anxiety and panic attacks sometimes.  Runs in his family and that suc ks.  He tries to stay as busy as he can, can't really just sit around the house EVER.  Has to be going and doing and going and coming back and forth, drives me crazy sometimes!!!  But as long as he's not freaking out it's all good.  Every once in a while he has to take a xanax but usually just tries to keep SUPER busy!!  I hope that y'all find something to help you :)

Gutsnglitter - sorry that you were feeling like cr ap!!  I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you :)  Just keep chuggin' along and you will be back to normal in no time :)

[gutsnglitter]

hi, i think it is the hardest thing to have anxiety and be an addict, im not saying its any easier for others who dont suffer but it is not just for the high in the begining of abusing the pills or any opiates it fix's us i am such a different person when im on them, first it was a long time heroin addiction and then i swapped to the pills, and i liked the pills more because it was easy to get, and to hide, and to do chewing up 6 pills and swallowing them takes 20 seconds and smoking a quarter of down took 15 minutes and was really hard to sneak away at my parents so go do so thats why i swapped and it was the same high and made the anxiety disapere just as good, going this long with a cured mental illness to letting my normal anxiety medication kick back in is going to be a ride for sure, i have takin everything for my anxiety including epival,zoloft olazapine,rispiridol,clamazipam,attivan,seriquil,loranzipam,lamotrigine,and a handfull od others that i just cant remember, never did i ever abuse any of them, even the benzos, i dont know why those benzos that other people say they get a high from even get a high, i never have so never felt the need to take past my recommended dose, but my first hit of heroin i felt normal, not even really high just happy and calm and could talk to people, then i found out i had this abdominal disease and got oxys for pain control and swapped the down for the pills, and like i say its the same high from the other stuff and easier and because prescribed its alot cheaper too, i buy off the street when i have to but i guess it wasnt that often, my anxiety is rediculas now, i cant wait for the pills to start working i have enough for 2 months and im planning on moving to a different province so i have to get a new therapist and psych so i hope its not hard, supposedly i just have to go to a hospital and they will give me one. but it *****! living with this disease of being an addict with anxiety disorders if i fail i know it will be mostly from not being able to live a normal life like a normal person, when its that easy to just take some downers to be like everyone else, and its hard to make friends for me, i just feel like everyone judges me so why bother. and when i was on the pills or the dope i could make friends wherever and whenever and now im moving and i wont have friends for a while but its still no good having all my junky frineds where im at now.

so thank you for letting me know your there thank you so much

stilltrying1965, holly well congratulations on 187 days! thats amaizing that gives me hope

[stilltrying1965]

I was a 14 year heroin addict, who could not get off. Not for the want of trying. I would get clean for two weeks tops, but this drug was going to kill me. As i never new when enough was enough. Anyway i went to rehab for 6 weeks came home clean and feeling good. But was out my comfort zone. As the heroin was only mins away. When craving i nearly caved a few times but stuck with it. Now im happy to say iv been clean for 187 days and came of cold turkey. I wish you all the luck in the world. You can and will do this your friend ,,,James

[overopiates]

I came here nearly 3weeks ago after c/t for5days&wish I hadnt discovered it b4 I quit.as far as u bothering any1, thinking ur burdening them anything like that by talking,explaining,complaining etc.NONE of us feel that way.I learned VERY quickly every1wants to help.I'm clean a month&feel like a different person NO I feel like me again4the1st time m years.But I believe u and I have something in common which is severe anxiety(before the opiates came in to our lives)Everyone I've spoken2here has anxiety bad  during detox&some lingers for a bit but like u I have had anxiety issues&continue to now.I don't have insurance now so I'm n a VERY slow process to get into see a therapist on a sliding scale of course I get the anti-anxiety meds tossed at me before I've even started therapy because I have a7year history of getting them and I don't abuse them.I wanted2ask what did u do b4u stopped as u said about your anxiety?I believe u said u were on meds&seeing a therapist4your anxiety.Did it help u enough that it made a significant change n your life&r u able2not abuse the meds for that?I take an amazing antideppesant&anxiety med combo that has giving me the ability to socialize(slowly)but I'm getting there.The lortabs(15+a day)made me the friendliest person n the world I felt like the person I was b4 anxiety took over at least4a while.Then I was worse eventuallyI'm just sharing,letting u know that there r people here who don't only share the same addiction  but also have the same issues u had/have and I feel like I did10years ago when I was18&happy.I am proud2say I'm done w/opiates got back on track w/the medicine I really need& hope to be seeing a therapist soon.How r u doing?Please keep posting.U r the1st person who mentioned a pre existing anxiety disorder like me&its a extra hurdle that we share.Please keep posting(tell us ur progress,setbacks,complaints anything were here to listen).I started out asking lots of questions&complaining they had my back cause they have been there.Sorry such a long message.

[gutsnglitter]

both of you who just wrote to me thank you so much, and thank you all of you!
so i have been cleaning up this place so i can just boot it outa here!~i took a walk and it was so nice i layed in a park for an hour! it felt so good the fresh air and all.
now im finishing cleaning and im going to pack one bag and im doing it! im moving up to alberta and starting a new life im very excited and im going to start off new in everything.

still feeling very sick but so busy today and good attitude so its manageable

i could write more to you tigerlilly and well u all but i gotta finish if i want to go up with my friend in 2 days  

[gnarly_1]

HI any thing you can do to get your mind off how miserable you feel will help I was an out in nature kind of guy went out to the mountains and marveled at the desert  did some rock climbing at the local rock climbing mountains....dident make it to the top the trail is like a mile and 1/2 but did get some good exorcize going up mabe a 1/3 of the way in oct in phoenix its still pritty hot so I sweat out the poison a movie would be good your in acute withdrawals now and probably dont feel like much of anything but force yourself to do things it reallly dose help remember to push the fluids take the imudium took 4 to help me and just ride out the storm each hr you get threw your that much closer to it being over.....YOU CAN DO THIS  stay away from using freinds no mater how close you are to them this is a lifestyle changing project all persons places and things that remind you of using must go your doing good go out and enjoy your movie check back in with us when your done.....YOU CAN DO THIS just going to take a little work good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    

[tigerlily11]

gutsnglitter,
well hello there! I am just I dont even know the word to describe it...but I feel like I know you, hell I feel like we may be the same person. I was EXACTLY where you where just a few short days ago and listen I am here to tell you, it is so worth it!!! I know exactly how you feel right now and trust me it is worth it it does get better, you have to just keep pushing forward! I am exactly like you and I kind of have anxiety and I definitely didnt want to come on here and just randomly start inboxing people and possibly be a bother to them. I still havent really done that, but I have posted on here like crazy and the few people that responded to me were godsends lifesavers. And it just so happens 2 of those people who were absolutely instrumental and probably saved my life are right here on your post, Gnarly1 and reallyneedhelp! I usually go around here quoting them both because the things they said made so much sense, made it click for me and is what keeps driving me forward. But, I dont have to do that here, becase they have already came thru and shared their wisdom with you, please take it to heart, read it 500 times over and over if you have to until you believe it, I know I did!!!

I know you can make it, I believe in you. You said you wanted this more than ever this time, well those were my exact words when i first came here, and thats the first step it takes, REALLY wanting it. Because this diesease is hard to fight and its cunning and you have to be ready to really fight back like never before! Get positive and get a plan together. With me I did many things because I wanted to fight this on all fronts. I got positive, came on here and got support, got into church, got a relationship with God (even got saved), started taking my vitamins and antidepressants and started going to therapy (like you I thought the opiates were all I needed and never took my other meds, thinking that probably added to my problem), and then just got moving! It really does help to move by getting endorphins back to your body and mind and gives you a feeling of accomplishment and hey I can do all this without the pills!!!! And heck better than before!

Anyway, the point is,Just get a plan together, whatever plan will work for you, you just have to be ready to fight back because the addiction to these opiates are STRONG, but we know what? We are STRONGER!!!!  you have what it takes, even reallyneedhelp told me those exact words about you, so see there are people here that really care about you and want to see you better!

We are in this fight together and WE WILL WIN!!!!!

[gutsnglitter]

im really really $hitty! i cant even stand it its so hard, im still not going to give up, i could, but i want this to much ! i have alot to do today if im going to go on this trip to see my friend and maybe move so ill be busy and maybe it will help.....

[tgtiffany]

Hey!  How are you doing today??  I hope excellent :)  Keep your head up okay, I know it su cks, but it's totally worth it to be free!!!!  Back to the REAL YOU and get your LIFE back :)  

[gutsnglitter]

oh i agree! its totally who you hang out with, i wouldnt have started if it wasnt for my group of friends, though that was a different drug, but same feeling its just easier to get pills so i swapped the addiction, and i cant wait for the day i feel sorry for addicts instead of jealous, it *****

[haley726]

I know how you feel about everyone you know is an addict. I got off methadone 38 days ago cold turkey. Not fun at all! But my husband is still on it and everyone else in my family is on pills and speed. So it is really hard for me to see it and know it's there, but not do it. I got to the point to where I realized they weren't having "fun" with the drugs and they certainly weren't living any kind of life I wanted. They are miserable and stuck, and I actually feel sorry for them that they can't stop. Just wait a few more days and you will understand the feeling of being strong, proud, relieved and so happy on the inside. And as you get some time under your belt, instead of feeling jealous of users, you will feel bad for them and want to help them. Which, believe me, if they don't want help, there is nothing you can do to stop them except pray for them. But I promise you, a pill, or any drug for that matter, doesn't even come close to the happiness you
will feel from getting clean and taking your life back. BUT.... Staying clean is hard, if not almost impossible, if you are around friends that are addicts! This disease of addiction is just too strong to try to hang out with the friends that use, especially in the beginning. I really believe getting addicted to drugs is about 75% who you surround yourself with. And that is only my opinion, but from what I have seen, I completely believe it! That's why my kids are never leaving home...lol! Good luck and God bless...

[gutsnglitter]

im trying to think like that, im sure it will be easier once past this withdrawal its going to be a big change for me, all my friends are addicts mostly heroin and coke some pills, i think i might move to alberta to start a new life and meet new people i have 1 friend there and one who is moving there and there clean so i think that would be a good choice for me, not to run away from it but there is nothing here for me.

well i just went for a walk i walked so fast my heart was racing it felt ****** at first but i actually feel a bit better not physically but im in a better mood now, i puked as soon as i got in the door and my legs were shaking and im sure if i stayed out there for even 5 more minutes i would have fainted but now im laying down and sweating and feel cold and sweaty its nasty so i think ill try a bath

[haley726]

I know how hard this is, but if you think of it as changing your life and getting rid of everything negative instead of focusing on the acute w/ds and the pain, your mind will start to see that this is only temporary. I prayed, got some meditation cd's, and pretty much lived in the bathtub. But, one day soon you will wake up and realize you did it! And that is a "high" you will never get from pills... Good luck and God bless.

[gutsnglitter]

thank you
im ready, im going for a walk now ill be back when im done i think ill just stay here on this site all day and read and write and take breaks for walks and baths

[IBKleen]

I know you are trying and you are doing GREAT!!! Take that walk, it will feel good. And you are right, one minute at a time if you need to.

It is always quiet here on the weekends so be patient as members come n and off.

Hang in there!!

[gutsnglitter]

i am trying so hard, i even posted on a few peoples posts but i was shaky and sweating the hole time i feel like im a bother.
im not going to use, i want to so bad but im trying to go second by second so i dont.
i will go for a walk here in a few minutes and come back and see if anyone else replied i need you guys so much

[IBKleen]

I know you are struggling. You need to stay positive and get through this. Do something to occupy your mind and your time. Take a nice hot bath, read, or whatever it is you like to do.

Just don't give up and don't use. Keep talking if you need to.

[gutsnglitter]

i am so sick this morning!!!!! i dont know if i can do it please pray for me or wish or anything to keep me going PLEASE

[gutsnglitter]

thanks guy :)
yes it ***** alot but i know its only going to get worse so im trying to stay positive, which for me is not normal, but im tryin im going to go lay down again and get some rest then when the sun comes up ill go for a walk for some excersise and then ill try the bath thing, im just to tiered to do it now

[gnarly_1]

TIME to baton down the hatches roll up the sails and get ready fro the storm..... sorry to here your getting sick already try taking 1/2 glasses of water every 1/2hr or so if it gets really bad try 1oz of water every 15 min you got to stay hydrated one way or another if you cant your on your way to the e/r for an iv in a day so stay hydrated run a bath and soak it will realeave most of the other symptoms hang in there you will make it threw this just got to weather out the storm good luck and God bless.........Gnarly

[gutsnglitter]

i just got up sweating like a mofo! i took a diazapam thiny and i fell asleep, im upset i woke up :( i barfed as soon as i stood up and my tummy is hurting and im so shaky, i knew i wasn't going to feel good but i wasn't expecting feeling this crappy, i am going to go get a bottle of gatorade and some toast (if i can eat it even) and put on a movie and just chill maybe take an ativan i dont know ill wait a bit i think and take that before i try and sleep again. thank you gnarly_1 for checking up on me. i like it, that you and reallyneedhelp76 care so much it is very touching thank you 2 so much

[gnarly_1]

HI just thought I would check in on you it shouldv be starting to hit right about now and will progress threwout the night I will be on later between 10 and 12am mountain time if you need to talk hang in ther and be ready for some unpleasant changes to start to happen also remember attitude is everything....I will check back later.........Gnarly