its so hard to stay strong

[lainny]

I have been cleaned off opiates for over 6 months. now my mother was just brutally murdered by my own brother in our house, on Father's Day, we grew up in. I have found the faith in God and knowing what my mother went through with her addiction and the last thing I wanna do is ruin the good that I've done for myself but this is just so damn hard.  my brother was schizophrenic my mother always call the police to come intervene and take him away to get him help but they said that he was okay and when they left the house my mother would always get the repercussions from the other side of my brother. I wanted to share my story on here I hope they put this in the mental health forum because any mother that tries to help her son and the police keep turning their backs because he can answer 5 questions what the normal answer. now I have to live with this pain then I'm going to be coming up with murder trial and everything and the only thing that my mother did was try to help I just pray that everybody praise for me that I stay strong through this all and I don't fall back into old habits but I really feel like I am strong enough and I have the willingness and I have my mother's name to live for and if I can save anybody else from a tragedy like this if you have a mental illness or if your son has a mental illness you never know they can turn on you get them help please

[nonights]

Oh you poor thing! I cannot imagine what you are going thru. Please know we will support you anyway we can.  You are on the right track making this horrible tragedy mean something by speaking out about mental illness and the lack of help! Please know I am praying for you sweetheart!

[AShellof_Me]

Oh lainny~ my heart just aches for you my dear... I cannot fathom the grief you must be enduring right now.

I echo all the sentiments above regarding really stepping up your recovery care. I just want to encourage you to seek out ALL you can right now... more meetings, counseling, perhaps a grief group... or one on one which may be more appropriate for you now. The trauma of your life's journey is so unique and so violently impactful to your sobriety you will need EVERY tool in your toolbox at your disposal.  God and sobriety FIRST.

I commend you for your determination and valiance to want to seek justice for your lovely and self-giving mother - she sounds like she was so loving and giving and nurturing - and I so understand the desire to seek justice for her and for your brother's illness!!  However, God and sobriety first. You come first or all other will fall. right? When YOU are strong and standing firmly, you will be in such a better position to honor your mother as you so desire... I can only imagine your heart's cry right now lainny... I am only encouraging you please understand that... I am not in your shoes. What I DO know is WE addicts cannot do the things we wish we could do if we do not have our sobriety first... That's my mantra. :) God and sobriety first... then all other comes... you take care of YOU honey... whatever that looks like - whatever it takes!!

May the God of restoration and healing cover you today friend and give you strength and courage and peace and comfort which surpasses all understanding.

[spider6]

Omg so sorry for your paths journey,!  I pray for you and your family!  I pray for you to keep your strength....oh bless you and keep you safe in mind and spirit.  Epic tragedy, I'm so sorry!

[tooter212]

My heart goes out to you. May the Lord keep his protective arms around you and guide you. Know that your loved and are being prayed for. God Bless You

[dominosarah]

I am so so sorry.  Such a tragedy.  You can be your mothers voice now in getting other families who live with this the help they need.  Lean on your faith and us~

Congrats on your clean time~

[jifmoc]

Dear Lord, I read that story w/ my mouth agape. That is so beyond horrific that I'm almost speechless. I wish there was a stronger word than "I'm so sorry."

My Mom died of lung cancer 3 months ago, smoked her whole life and it killed her. Grappling w/ sobriety and grief is a double whammy. But you have the added shock, anger, and terror. I think you are amazing that you are even TALKING about keeping your sobriety during this hell. That's amazing. Just please, see a counselor who specializes in trauma asap plus ALL the support you can get. I mean tons.

I hope this doesn't sound cliche or trite but it always stuck w/ me. Eric Clapton, as you may know is a major addict (sober now) and he was sober when his 4 year old boy fell out of condo bldg window in Manhattan and died on impact.  No one watching him, obviously. He wrote that AA literally saved his life after that. He stayed sober through it and he said it was a miracle.

I am so so sorry and horrified for you. Everyone around you is praying and pulling for you.

[jugglin]

I am so sorry for you as I read your story.  What a horrible event for a family to have to deal with - all around.  Mental illness is so tough and sometimes impossible to understand, and those who care for the mentally ill are saints a far as I can tell.  What a TOUGH situation.  I am at a loss for words.  You need to be there to support your family...but, most importantly you need to put yourself and your sobriety first.  Keep posting for support and up your meetings - whether it is A, AA, or therapy.  Up your face to face support as you deal with this tragedy.
Prayers out to you and your family....for strength, comfort, peace, wisdom.
God bless!

[weaver71]

This is all I can add, there is no problem So big that drugs CAN'T make it worse, even something as horrible as this. I have battled with some bipolar psychosis, so I feel for your brother too. It is really hard and expensive to get good mental health help. Like you said, answer some questions and sign your name and you are on the street. Drugs will only make you insane too, that will not help, but make it worse in the long run. God bless you and my condolences.

[Amandag78]

And congratulations on 6 months clean !!!
Very well done : )

[Amandag78]

Hi Lainne, my prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family, yes, this is an unimaginable experience you have gone through.
Please try to stay strong for yourself.
I dont know what to say, im so terribly sorry.
We are always here for you, anytime you need.
Sending you big hugs xx

[motye51]

Holy crap!  This is a horrible situation.  My prayers and condolences to you and your family.  I wanted to mention, I am a FIRM believer in God and I do believe there is a better place that we go when we're done here on Earth.  Your mother, as a caregiver, definitely sounds like a person that God is looking out for and I'm sure that where she is, she is with God!  
I was also told in my meetings, that tragedy is sometimes where we as addicts can shine!  We can be brave, we can be helpful, and I'm sure that your mother getting to enjoy her daughter sober and clean was one of the best gifts she could have ever rec'd!  Be proud!  You gave her a great gift....don't let her down!

[lainny]

Thank you so much for the quick response. I need to keep my sobriety! I don't want to ever feel that sick or depressed again. I do believe in God and I'm not mad at him because he knew the pain and constant worring about my brother. He even put (shot) a BB into his eye, last month, to stop seeing hallusions. And the police said that he wasnt s harm to himself or anyone else also its against his civil rights. I'm mad to the hospitals and police. If it takes the rest of my  life I will, in my mother's name, see what happened to her civil rights. Thank you for listening. Its just so hard

[Gettingalifeagain]

I don't know what to say here, except that you are an incredibly strong individual to be going through this clean.  What an inspiration you are to me.  I just can't fathom how you and your family are coping with this.  Bless you, and may God help you heal.  Keep strong and know that your Mum saw you clean...

[VICourageous]

I am SO SORRY! This is just AWFUL..I can not even put this in words.

There is one thing I would like to share with you.
I had almost 18 months at the end of last year..I had lost both my parents and father-in-law and my Baby Boy Dog all in a 90 day period. Then 2 friends to Addiction after. As a long time users, since I was 14, I have never handled any of my past Deaths Clean or Sober. This was one of the hardest moments of my Sobriety..I was so Fing scared and did not know if I was going to make it..Well I came in here and wrote in my Journal a lot, as my MH Family out here kept giving me Support..I had to up my Meetings and hit all kinds of AA/NA too..I also went to some Grieving one on one and still have to continue to do this Again!! I just would not want you to fall from the time you have in..Always think of your Beautiful Mom and how Proud she was of you. Keep pushing for YOU right now too..PLEASE UP YOUR SUPPORT..I am telling you the Gods Honest Truth..Do what ever it takes to make sure you seek HELP!
I will be PRAYING for YOU and ALL who is suffering right now because of this..How Tragic and how SAD. You will for sure need to get Grieving, and other support that goes along with a murder..Plus they will mix the Addiction issues in this too..Again I am so sorry to hear this!!
May the Lord hold you tight right now!
PS..I know you are Mad as He11 right now and at God too..But please hang in and get that Support you will need.
Vickie

[lulu747]

Oh god honey I am SO SORRY.  I cannot even imagine the pain and suffering you must be feeling right now.  My heart goes out to you...And to your brother and whole family.  I don't really know what to say but you MUST protect your sobriety right now at ALL costs.  Get to as many meetings and support groups as possible.  DON'T ISOLATE.  Check in to some grief support groups and maybe some one on one counselling for PTSD because I'm sure that you must be suffering some of this.
You need to surround yourself with support and love- don't be a hero and try to do it alone.  No one does, and no one has to.
Sending you support and hugs from my heart...Please keep posting....
Lu