just venting

[enough170]

hey guys as some of you know i am over 80 days clean, and physically feeling great, mentally not so good.   i just want to be normal again, does that make sense? i cant stop thinking about the pills, they are always on my mind, even now, its driving me crazy!!!! does anyone else feel like this? i just want to be the person i was before this happened..... i know deep down i wont be, because i will always be a drug addict, i just hate thinking of myself like this.... does anyone else understand? do you have any tips on how to get over this? sorry if this doesnt make sense, i do find it hard to put things into words.

[enough170]

kevin, thank you for your views, the phrase i think is something i am struggling with and something which perhaps that i am spending way to much time thinking about!  

brrrrad, thanks for that, its just nice to know that your not alone xxx

[Brrrrad]

I don`t know if this means anything but my mouth will still water once in a while when i drive past a liquor store and i hav`nt had a drink in ten yrs.
You will be better just a different better- A BETTER,BETTER.  Stay Strong

[worried878]

i do agree that there is no immediate benefit// nuttin else//that is obtained by admitting ur an addict for mental reasons...i do believe however than some r prone and some are not as far as addiction goes..i do belive there is some sort of chemical diffs in the brain as i have seen them on film....and in a way it is a choice to use//but in a way it is not....alcohol/and nicotine/stimulate the almost exact same receptors in the brain...so it would make sense that alcohol would soothe an narc addict when without their doc..disease or no disease//it is a "condition" that is very similar to any psychological probem...and, as with alot of physical illnesses,.if u do not take care of it //it can KILL U///so in reality squabbling over whether addiction is a disease or not is fairly trivial/cos it can kill ya or make ur life truly miserable if u do not treat the "condition"

[crystal82dawn]

I have been off pain pills for a few years this is not the 1st try at it but the 3rd I know how hard it can be no more than ever because of what I have going now I am dealing with htis bad tooth pains all my teeth have went bad and now having them pulled one by one with nothing to help the pain it ***** I am here for anyone who needs to talk I felt as if I was going to die at first and than I have had day where it good so GOOD LUCK

[Kevin_Bacon]

Not trying to be contrary here, but I just have a different point of view on the "always be an addict" statement ... maybe it's because I don't buy into the "Disease Concept," and the AA,NA, etc. way of thinking, but I remember rehabbing from a deadly serious booze situation and attending AA meetings (had to) and really getting ruffled about this "powerless" stuff.

Sure, when I got out, I had several nasty relapses, and it finally got to the point where I hate the stuff, and know I'll never drink again. If I did, I'd go through immediate withdrawals, so my chemistry is similar to most people who have to abstain, period.

The opioids have a lot in common with alcohol -- contentment, however short-lived, and comfort escaping all the stresses the easy way. I'll have to avoid these drugs in the future, 'cause my brain and body are sick of them.

If someone says to me, "So I hear you're an alcoholic," my first reaction is "Who wants to know?" but I say "No. I was, if you like that label, but I gave it up." When people quit smoking, do they say, "I'll always be a smoker?" Is smoking a "disease," using this line of thinking?

I'm not trying to stir up the pot here, but I find no value in thinking "I'll always be an addict" when you've stopped the drug and you stay away from it. It's really just semantics, but when I get out of this mess, if someone offers me an oxy, I'll say "no, thanks. It always ends up badly for me."

Just don't find the labels helpful, is all ...

[SophieShine]

Hey Emma! Going back to your counsellor is a great idea, you sure need someone to talk to and you need after care... I can relate to being the rock and everything being to much to handle. When I am ready to blow up, I go for a run with my ipod on. I used to hate exercising but I found it a great help against the wd's and the psychological part of my addiction. Maybe you should give it a try....
All the best to you. xoxoxoxo. sophie.

[enough170]

thank you so so so much for all your comments, everyone of them makes so much sense, i am feeling really down at the minute, alot going on on the homefront so i think thats why i am feeling so bad, i know i need to pull myself out of it, and i am trying its just some days it feels like a battle i cant win, even though i want to so much!! i am going back to my counseller next week, so i am hoping that will help me.  i am the rock of our family, i burden all there problems, but no one helps me with mine, i know that seems selfish, but sometimes i feel like i am drowning and there is no one there to help me.  thats why i love this site, if i have a problem, i can voice it without anyone judging, thank you all so much again.  emma xxx

[refusingbondage]

I too can relate completely to what you are saying.. You will feel happy again.. and the cravings will come less often.. addiction, unfortunately, never goes away... its something that you will always have to keep control over, so as not to let it control you.. Normalcy?  What's that?  I dont think anyone is 'normal' lol.. I thought like you a lot during the first few months and sometimes even still.. I mourned the old me (the high me) and then really mourned the old old me (the happy girl before drugs.. hard to remember a time.. ) I detested the thought of calling myself an addict until I finally surroundered to it and since doing that, I have been clean for longer than I have ever been able to before..I have since faced the fact that I will never be that pre-drug person again, but I think I have come out of it a better, stronger person.. there are many happy times ahead for you and as a whole life is much better without drugs.. Just give yourself time and take care of and love yourself.  Take care and hang in there..

[corey411]

I did not start feeling close to good until after 90 days so hang in there. Are you just having a bad day because you were feeling good for awhile, Keep remembering how you felt during the first few weeks. You are feeling better than that and will keep getting better slowly but it will be worth it and you will be glad real soon. Get over this hurdle. You will feel better. Please stay strong. You have done so well. don't give up. Corey

[worried878]

i do feel ur pain...this feeling becomes less and less as time goes by...but when things r stressful ..it is evn more stressful cos i think bout my old coping mechanism which was the pills....i dont think bout them daily or even weekly...just when i feel yucky or stressed...i am still afraid where i would turn if sumpin really bad happened in my life...it is one day at a time tho and thinkin ahead is not gonna help me..aftercare is for just this type stuff...recovery is a lifetime and tomorrow is another day..so just take it one day at a time..and be sure u r seeking the support u need

[kim715]

Emma,you're right you will always be an addict as will I ,but don't hate the term hon,embrace it.You're an addict in recovery and that speaks volumes about what a strong person you are.Nothing easy about getting clean and staying clean,plenty of rewards,but it's a rough journey and you made it to the other side.The mental part is rough,especially in the beginning,but you have to keep pushing through because I'm telling you,it does get so much better and so much easier.You can do this,you're a fighter....Keep moving forward...All the best...Kim

[outotown]

Yes Emma it does the mental part seams that it goes on for ever sorry that i dont have a remmied for you other than hang in there. One question do you suffer from depression, that may be something to look at. Give yourself a big hug from me. if you need to talk you know where to find me. Aaron