Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

long post - third time the charm?

For the past 3-4 years I have been addicted to over the counter pain pills called Nurofen Plus, containing 12.8g of codeine and 200mg of ibuprofen (available at chemists in Australia and the UK). The problem crept up on me, with me initially using them as needed for migraine headaches. At some point though, and I’m not sure when, I crossed that line from medicinal use to habitual use to outright addiction. I had 6 years clean from heroin/methadone addiction when I crossed this line, and it still amazes me at how denial operated in me, and for how long. Truly the case of one is too many, thousand not enough.

So in the past 2 years I have tried to quit many times but seem to have great difficulty holding out until detox is over (I keep telling myself that I have withdrawn from heroin and methadone so why am I having such a problem with codeine??). I have been lurking here all that time – I first posted under another nickname back in November 2007, and again as “groundhog day” October 2008, and have been lurking at all other times, too ashamed I guess to publicly try to quit and keep on failing. I have considered Suboxone but do not believe that this is the option for me; codeine to sub seems like jumping from fry pan to the fire. I am seeing a counsellor, I have a couple of very supportive friends who know about my situation, and I attend meetings as needed. In the ten or so years since my original stay in rehab I have done a great deal of work on myself and I hope I know what I need to do to STAY clean (including never touching any kind of opiate, ever) – its just that damn first week or two of withdrawals that I can’t seem to cope with.

My health is at an all time low, not so much due to codeine but due to the vast amounts of ibuprofen that I am consuming. I take up to 50 tabs per day, on average 30-40, so that is 10000mg of ibuprofen daily and up to about 600mg of codeine. The “pleasure” such as it used to be is long gone, at best I get sleepy, but I feel so incredibly ill and toxic because of the other rubbish, no energy, dry grey skin, gastrointestinal problems, and the list goes on. I’m not even 40 years old but I feel ancient and lethargic.

Although not as destitute as at the end of my heroin addiction, I am as broken in spirit and hope and sanity as I was back then. I have no motivation, I look forward to nothing and enjoy nothing, my work and income are suffering severely, my self respect is shot, and I am yet again facing the question I faced before: why do I do this to myself, why am I destroying myself pill by pill, day by day? Doesn’t matter why, I simply must stop.

I am prepared for withdrawal with all the supplements and amino acids etc, fridge has good simple food in it, I know what to expect in terms of withdrawals and also in terms of the bleak moods, fatigue, restless legs etc. I know how to hang out – my only issue is how to hang in there for that initial week or two. I know that I have to stomp out the using thought AS SOON as it occurs, just stomp it out immediately, I need to keep busy, I need to make sure I move and exercise as much as I can. And have faith that this is worth it. Life on the pills is a collosal dead end, a slow suicide.

So I am humbly coming back to the forum for a third attempt (third public attempt, umpteenth private attempt). It helped a lot the first time round me posting in the morning and in the evening, it kind of kept me accountable and helped keep me clean for about a week. Thank you everyone.

14 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
401095 tn?1351391770
it is good to pick a time that is peaceful for u to get this done...in thr middle of an important project at work is not a good time..but make a plan..mark down the time u have sat aside for QUIT day...and it remains the same..nuttin can change that day for u..no conferenece or meetings..no stressful occurances as these can be a daily part of our life...go ahead..plan and pick ur day..get stocked up on the supps.imodium etc..and go for it!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Bless you all, thank you. Ok, I will keep posting, despite feeling so stupid. As you said worried, it helps tremendously.

Funny how hard it is to focus on the positive when I am soooo down on myself, and when I compare my current self to the 5-6 years of freedom and clean time that I had. But ok, the positives - I have not stopped trying to get off these tablets despite umpteen failures, I have just managed to keep going to work, I have things in place that will help me (support from friends, meetings, seeing a counsellor, a family who don't know but who are there for me in many other ways), I have done this in the past so I KNOW, not jsut faith, I KNOW that it can be done. Maybe all those failures have drained my optimism and the first thing I need to do is work on my attitude. I think a big part of me simply expects to fail, having had so many failures, so at the first sign of craving I give in and tell myself, oh well, you knew you were going to fail.

Planning - until mid june, I have a massive amount of work to get through, so maybe rather than detox fully get down to taking only two lots a day and stay at 30, or something like that. I have not had more than a few days success with tapering before, but I don't know how i can do this amount of work and detox.

Thank you all so much.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi...don't be ashamed; we've all been there.  Most important thing now is to recognize a need for a plan to quit - Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail.  

Keep Posting....we'll help you...

Guy
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
i remeber u as well..sounds like u r set up and ready to go..good luck to u and stay on track..dont stop posting this go around cos it helps immensely...r u planning any aftercare?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Instead of dwelling on all of the negative try being proud of yourself for cutting down and for wanting to quit.Those negatives will keep you using.You went from taking up to 50 tabs a day down to 30 tabs.That is a great drop,now try to stay at 30 for a day or two and drop down a few more.Do what works for you,but dropping tabs is better than going up in tabs.No it won't be easy but I promise you it will be worth it.So do me a favor and stop dwelling on the negatives and stay in the positive,that will help you to fight this nasty addiction.Never be ashamed to post,we have all stumbled along the way.When you are feeling like you shouldn't post is often the most important time to post.Get it out because that helps a ton,bottle it up and numbing it will only prolong your hell.We are all here to help in any way.Stay strong and keep up the good fight!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hello there -
I was hoping that my post would kind of just disappear into the later pages, and be forgotten, I was just going to slink away again. I took 12 that first day and then woke up this morning feeling the withdrawals and straight off to the chemist, probably had about 30 today. I am deeply scared as to why I can't seem to stop. And very ashamed too, to come on here and say I'm gonna do it, and then yet again fail. Its embarassing. I am scared I will be one of those people that either dies from this or spends the rest of my days in this lifeless limbo. I am so scared - why can't I stop? I have prayed my backside off, I have worked the steps, I have asked and received help and support, I have in the past, through the grace of spirit, quit heroin, methadone, alcohol, cigarettes - so where is this self destruct coming from?

Guy, thank you and bless you for asking about me, I am so low and ashamed of my non existent integrity (eg intergrity means doing what I said I would do, as in quit!) and really at a loss what to do. They are just silly over the counter tablets for crying out loud!

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi...could you provide us your plan...sounds like you're going to taper which is good considering your upcoming workload.  I also tapered and worked during the whole time - 3.5 weeks & then stopped.  

If we can see your plan, we can help you anticipate some of the upcoming experiences...you may know already so we can support as well.  If you don't have a plan, let us know and we can help.

Guy
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hello everyone, not a perfect day, took 12 tablets half way thorough my work day which is way better than 50 but not what I had planned. I am home now, getting ready for bed, phyically ok but mentally and emotionally a wreck, just utterly hopeless and grim. I keep telling myself that this space I am in is because my neurotransmitters are depleted, I know its temproary etc, but man it feels so real. I unfortunately have a very busy two weeks ahead of me before my holidays, there is a chunk of work I simply must get through, but my motivation is nil.

I'm sorry, I hate sounding so pessimistic and "poor me" and negative, like such a downer. Just for tonight, that is how I feel. I keep wishing that I had stuck to staying clean the first time I came around this forum, back in Nov 07. Instead, I have wasted the past year and half, just barely keeping my nose above water. Why does it take so much for me to surrender? Rhetorical question hey...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
We are here for you...keep posting

Guy
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Congrats on day 1, this is the start of something special. Tell that voice to **** off, IT IS WORTH IT. stay strong!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks so much everyone, I just woke up on the morning of day 1 and the moment consciousness hits there is that feeling of the horrors, the negative anticipation of what is to come. Of course the demon voice pipes up with excuses why i should not stop today, why I should wait til mid june when i have some annual leave holidays, but I know that voice is a liar. Something I read on here recently was so spot on - the best day to quit is today.

Oh for the grace of one day clean, and oh for the grace of being clean and not thinking about drugs at all, as I was before this whole codeine mess. So just for today, into the shower, some breakfast, then get on with the stack of work that has accumulated because of my unmanagebility.

Man, that voice that says that going through all this is not worth it is soooo convincing, I just got to remember that its a lie, like gizzy says.
Helpful - 0
897400 tn?1303329148
Being able to get codeine otc makes it worse.  Don't beat yourself up over your relapse. You can start over again. My therapist told me that relapse is part of recovery. Now you know how insidious any addictive drug can be, so you have an insight that will help you to avoid using again in the furure. Keep posting. This forum has been a lifeline for me.
Helpful - 0
918457 tn?1244645682
Allthough you have dealt with much worse drugs in the past. Do not underestimate a codeine addiction. Be prepared for the worse and things may not be so bad. I am on my 4th day of a extremely high dose oxycontin detox. This is all a battle in your mind. Gizzy is dead on when he says these drugs "make us believe there is no life without using, but that is the lie of addiction." There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and when you get there, you will feel like never before.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Welcome back, I remember you. It sounds like your taking the right steps to beat this now, and posting helps so much. It's very difficult to stomp a craving just like that, but with support here, your friends, counsellor and sheer determination I know you will make it this time. The goal of drugs is to make us sick, steal our hope, shatter our confidence and make us believe there is no life without using, but that is the lie of addiction. Fight this with all you have and it won't be long till you feel like a new person and happy and free. You can do this and we are here to offer support:) Good luck!

P.S. I have had 3 public relapses on here too, ugggg. I wanted to let you know that 3rd time IS the charm and can't wait to hear you post your clean and feeling great.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.