Avatar universal

methadone and relationships

I've posted a few posts up before regarding my new boyfriend on methadone and whether or not to continue the relationship..which I did for 3 months until now. I then put up post questioning the signs of him using heroin again. I came to the conclusion that it was Valium that he's been sneaking, I think he stole some from his brother last week as well as some meth on Friday night.
I cannot trust him, I found this hard to tell him. Last night I accused him of stealing his brothers meth dose as I saw him take some in my driveway and then found his brothers prescription in his bag. When confronted he pretty much shut down straight away "if you don't trust me what’s the point" then he left, when I went to talk to him later at his house about it he had all the best excuses in the world as to why he had that bottle in his bag "I put it in there to take the bottle back to the pharmacy" "sometimes our doses get mixed up" ect ect the story kept changing and he tried to make me feel awful for not trusting him, but I knew this was his game. I decided to go with my gut feeling and now he is extremely upset that I don't trust him. I don't think I should be expected to trust him, he's a drug addict, I think it's totally reasonable for me to expect honesty from him if he really is trying to change his life.  

I received a message from him last night that read:
"I thought our relationship was built on trust...I can't beleive you thought I lied to you, what I told you was the truth and if that's not good enough then what is? I told you I had a very small amount of meth because my head was sore and I felt like **** and why would my brother give me his medication, if you can't trust me then we have some serious issues "

My Reply:
"If I was wrong last night I apologise for that, I feel worlds away from you when it comes to drugs, I know there’s more to the situation than meets the eye. I'm sorry if its hurtful that I don't trust you, I wish more than anything that I could and I do trust allot about you but drugs are a powerful thing, its not black and white. We don't have serious issues because I don't trust you, we have serious issues because you have drug addiction and my trust needs to be earned because of it, I won’t apologise for that. I understand that you have the best intentions at heart for us; it must be incredibly hard for you to try and overcome this. If you want this to work and you really do want to have a future together I need complete and utter honesty everyday about what you’re on. I can help you, love you and support you, at the end of the day you need to want this more than anything.. It's not meant to be easy our strength will come from overcoming these hurdles, I'll understand either way what you decide"

What I want to say to anyone reading this that has an addiction..."believe in yourself, if you really want to change your life the answers are out there keep looking and always vision yourself as addiction free, the rest will fall in place, be honest no matter what the circumstances and accept love and help. Power comes from self love, respect and acceptance....focus on your heart and find the love within yourself, it is more powerful then any drug. Meditation is the pathway to the heart and soul...learn it...practice it....believe it and soon you'll live with the power of self-love. You are a beautiful person, a beautiful soul and you deserve happiness....always believe there is a life drug free and believe that you'll live it one day and that this experience will be behind you and help you accept and love others"

Miracles come from believing in miracles......

I would love to know what you think, did I do the right thing, did I use the right words in my message? i want him to know he is loved, I just wish he would see that within him self
8 Responses
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617347 tn?1331293081
wow...yeah, i think so.

you wrote a very grounded, serious and at the same time, loving letter.

the serious issue here is his addiction, you're so right and not that you don't trust him. if we don't even trust ourselves how in the world are others to trust us ?. of course you can't trust him, lying to ourselves and to anybody else comes with our addiction.

he must do it for himself, not for you nor your relationship and nobody can't know if he has reached this line  and that's the point here. once he takes the step, you'll be a great support but....how do i say it, newtimes, if he doesn't save himself, then you must save yourself, you know what i mean, right ?

best of lucks here. take care :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Personally,I think you did the absolute right thing!!

Remember...you were warned about this,many posts ago. Members have told you that
addicts should/need to have one year (at least) of clean time before entering in to any serious relationship.  Tell him to get a puppy. If he can raise it and take care of it and love it to pieces,it may prove he's not entirely selfish.

The rest of your post was beautiful~

Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
If he is still using the puppy will suffer also.......
Helpful - 0
199177 tn?1490498534
He is not clean he is still in active addiction .This is not where you should be .you need a healthy realtionship

He is not caring for himself right now he wont be able to give you what or need.

It doesnt sound like he would even be ready for a puppy at this point .
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Loving an addict is one of the hardest things in the world.  If only love were enough to get them clean!  I lived it for 18 years.  Twelve rehabs, raising 4 kids by myself.  All the lies and good intentions, the hurt, the feelings of betrayal.  Addiction is a progressive disease.  Without serious help, he's only on a roller coaster.  And so are you.

Have you tried AlAnon?  I did it, and though it didn't give me what I was hoping for, it helped.  Life with an addict is a life of loneliness.  You end up isolating, making excuses, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  You distance yourself from your family and friends.  And remember, you can't help anyone, unless you're taking care of yourself.  

You need to take care of you.  It's hard to leave someone that "needs" you.  But believe me, if you leave, he'll find someone else to "help" him.  I still love my ex and I probably always will, but there is no way I will go back to that life of living with active addict.  Life can be so much more.  If you leave, you'll struggle in the beginning.  You'll worry.  You'll be tempted to take him back.  But remember, only he can fix his addiction.  You can't.

All the best.  And if you want to chat, message me.  
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Avatar universal
The puppy suggestion was exclusive only to these people; given where they live.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks guys.
I am a strong person, I was with him because he was caring, kind and loving. I was with him because he was supposedly on his road to recovery on the meth program. I knew within in myself as soon as the signs were there that he was lying or useing I would be out of there. I had plently red light moments where I knew something wasn't right but never had the evidence, so I just let them bank up there till I did. His reaction to me on Friday night only proved my suspisions...if you are honest you can sit there and explain a situation properly, not turn it around to be my fault. If worst case senario I was wrong and i have "trust issues" he should be able to accept that and work on it with me.
Anyway I haven't heard from him yet, i'm not sure I will.

laurel453: You are so right he does have to do it for himself , it's stupid for me to  think he would do it for the relationship

avisg: That's excally what I need a normal healthy relationship, I am a normal healthy person, good family, no history of addictions. I am also aware of co-dependence and I also made sure I never lost myself in this relationship or became dependant on him  or even have expectations for any sort of future. I knew in my heart that it would be short lived so I valued every moment of it. It just started to loose the appeal abit when he would turn to me looking totally wasted and say "you know I love you baby, you know your beautiful don't you, you know how much I love you"........little hard to beleive when your eyes are rolling back in your head :-)

vicki: I know I was warned, I did value the warnings that's why I'm ok now, I understand whats going on and I'm ok with it. If I hadn't had those warnings I would have given into my gut become an enabler for him.

And we can't have puppys on the island :-( he acually is cabable of looking after his health, I'm sure he could lok after a puppy fine. His addiction at this stage is cheap and access is easy. At this stage.

How sad, you know before he got into drugs he was almost a professional surfer and a sponcered skateboarder. I do hope he finds his light again.

I'll post an update soon
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i found the 'syurp' in his shaving kit.....4 bottles of it....again.
his excuse was it's from the summer, i never did it, its just there, in case... like the pack of cigarette i have and don't smoke.

which he does smoke by the way.

It is funny to find yourself in a situation like this.
seemingly accepting it.
like you are his savior.
you will be the love stronger.

really when i met him 3 years ago, In Rome, I am Canadian and I have actually stayed here with him.we Have grown very attached. His family has long ago dis owned him. But he is a great person with many friends.
many shady friends also , who i have met along the time.

I have never fallen so in Love with someone.
i knew he had been in a rehab a year before. But he was off it. he even was peer volunteer speaking out against drugs.

I dont think he injects herion, but i know he must be abusing the syrup to get the feeling.
he smokes pot at least 3 times a week.

i told him If i ever see a drug or any evidence that you have done it.
I will leave. one day after catching him snorting herion.

which are words easily said, and actions harder to do.
he promised me on his knees, I cried for days from the shock and fear of it,and wanted to go home to Canada.

since then about every 6 months to a year. i find that evidence. I get that sinking feeling and i just stare at the evidence, trying to convince myself to really look at the big picture.
its not the first time.

a small bag with white power residue in the wastebasket.
a strange colored syrup hidden somewhere.

he just lies to my face, it's his secret world. he is 40.

I want to have children one day, I don't want them to have a father who could end up a junkie. Its not fair to bring them into this world, risking this, because i love someone.

He has a child already from a past relationship. she left him when the child was 4 because he was completely under.
he has already lost a family.

I am fixated this will also repeat itself.

Now I have ended it.

I feel sick thinking he is going to hurt himself, but I can not picture the future with someone who is so unstable.

Its sad to feel your love was not enough to over ride this stupid addiction.

I wish every girl luck, don't be discouraged in helping your boyfriends.
I've just given too many chances. they have been broken too many times.

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495284 tn?1333894042
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