4 days clean but triggers and readily availableness is doing my head in - help me.

[jess212]

I've been here several times in the past, each time recognizing that I have a gigantic problem and need help, but deep down didn't really care enough about anything to go through with it long-term.

Now I'm back and I'm serious and with the help of several members of this board, I feel I'm in a better head space than ever before and I truly want to live life like a normal freaking person. I've also attended a few NA meetings and while I still personally struggle with some of the philosophy, I've met some great, helpful people there and it has helped.

Having said that, I'm only human. As some of you know, I take care of my dad (handicapped/bedridden) and he is prescribed, among other things, large amounts of oxy which is what I'm trying desperately to stay away from once and for all. I've talked vaguely with my mom about it, and she saw me go through withdrawals this week and understands I want nothing to do with the stuff... However, she works 12hr night shifts then sleeps during the day, so during that time, it's my responsibility to take care of and give my dad his medicine (he's too far gone to do it correctly himself)... The pill bottles are staring me right in the face right now, and while I want to be freed of this really badly, I'm still only on day 4, you know? Temptation is killing me.

I guess my question is: Has anyone else had to deal with anything similar and if so, how'd you handle it and stay clean? Perhaps any nurses or pharmacists out there who are forced to see/touch the stuff every day? What do you do in those situations? Where do you take your mind?
Usually when I feel tempted, I get in my car and just drive, but gas ain't cheap ;)

Just looking for some friendly suggestions. Thanks all :)

[User80]

Hearing that what has happened motivated you just gave me the comfort that I needed tonight. The holiday season has been really rough and I'm sitting here crying - just a hard night - but what you just said brought me some piece tonight - thank you.  And if this story can motivate even 1 person together clean then I'm glad I shared. He left manybehind that miss him so much it hurts - so think about your family and know how much they love and will support you. Best of luck.

[jess212]

Wow, that almost brought tears to my eyes. I'm so, so, SO sorry to hear about your brother. I'm sure you miss him terribly. Sometimes this whole thing just gets the best of us and when it does, sometimes it's too late. Your story helped motivate me though, so thank you. Growing up as a healthy, active kid, chronic back pain is something I assumed I'd never have to worry about, let alone getting hooked on the meds that come with, and then on top of it, deciding down the line to use the pills for emotional support AS WELL as pain. A seemingly vicious never ending cycle. Anyway, thanks for sharing and for the support and I really wish you the best. I hope you're in a semi-comfortable place in your life right now.

[jess212]

Well, the problem is I'm prescribed the EXACT same things that my dad is IF I were to want to go get them filled (I have several herniated discs). This is the first month in years I haven't filled up my own, and yes, I'm in incredible pain and the addict in me is constantly, constantly trying to justify it. "You go to physical therapy, you're in pain, you have an MRI to prove it, borrow some of his then go get your own" etc. Really the only difference between my Dad and I is that with his back damage, there is also nerve damage from a failed surgery, hence the bedridden part. I don't know. This is really doing a number on me. Staying busy helps but there's only so much you can do during the day/night while in between jobs.

[dominosarah]

Having your mom get involved with the handling of the pills is a good idea.  I know it is hard to look at them and not let our addict brain take over but these are for your dad, they are not yours.  He takes them for a reason.  You dont.  Tell your mom you know where her hiding place is.  You are in control of you now, not your addiction.  Keep reaching out as we are here to help you~~sara

[jess212]

Thank you guys both so much for your responses. I'm typing this on my annoying phone, so sorry if I have to cut it short.

fullofgrace, I think you're right in that my mom is going to need to be a factor in this somehow... She just watched me go through a week of withdrawals and listened to me when I told her want nothing to do with these things again (however she thought I was using my prescriptions responsibly). She has a "hiding place" kinda, but I know where it is. I might need her to buy a lock or something, but when I step back and think about it, it just seems ridiculous, like I shouldn't need to make her go to all that trouble...

Tomscat- thanks, that helped and made a lot of sense. I think the reason I'm even at 4 days is because besides the fact I want this, I don't want to mess up the clean time I've accumulated and have to start over....yet again, so what you said makes perfect sense... Now that the withdrawals (the ones I hate, anyway) have mostly ceased, it's just me and my mind and I've got some digging deep to do in these next few days/weeks. Congrats on 353 days clean! It gives me hope.

[tomskat]

Hi there..Temptation is everywhere it seems,especially in the beginning. Congratulations on Day 4!!!! Celebrate your successes-that alone can help reduce the cravings/tempatations. If you have a goal,like getting&staying clean,for example,try to tackle it in small steps rather than all at once. By setting small goals daily,you will be able to see your progress and won't want to do anything to affect that. Does that make sense (I hope)? Adding the Addiction Tracker is a huge thing for me because I see it daily and think to myself,"Is it really worth screwing this hard work up?" It is hard to quit,and remain clean. But it is so worth it.I've got approx. 353 days clean,however there were a few relapses prior to that.We're all human and some of us stumble along the way...the key is to pick yourself back up,start over again,and don't beat yourself up too badly about it. AA has a saying,"One Day At A Time"..I think that's very appropriate for us addicts.The mental temptation is horrible,and to be faced,literally,with it is hell. I'm in the medical field and am constantly around drugs...I still get cravings,but I think,Is it worth it? Really?You've made it this far..stay strong and keep your guard up.You CAN do this!!If possible,get onto this site when you're really tempted to use and post.And as fullofgrace78 said,maybe see if mom can hold the meds for you and just give you what he needs per day.Sorry for the long response-hope it helped&made sense,lol!! Stay strong and focused.You CAN do this!! Good luck,keep us posted,and I'm always around if you want to talk~A

[fullofgrace78]

Do you think maybe having your mom hold onto the pills or hiding them & only keeping out the exact amount your dad needs for the time you are taking care of him would help?
I am in a similar situation, having the pills in my face all the time.  I even think just knowing that they are there causes me even more cravings.  However, you & I both are still at the very beginning of our quits & from what I hear, with time it does get easier.  Hang on, you are doing great:)