Avatar universal

need encouragement!!!!!##

Ok i have not been on here for quite awhile. Of course because of the i feel. I first joined when i was about five months pregnant. I was taking about 10 vicodin a day. Ok i went to rehab and stayed for six days. Used suboxene for two days then the dr put me on phenobarbital as i expressed to him i wanted to leave being on nothing. Well i went the rest of my pregnancy without anything. We had to deal with social workers at the hospital since it was in my records that i was an addict. That all came out well since we both tested clean at delivery. She is perfect nothing wrong with her!!! Praise God!! Fast forward to six months. My husband lost his job two days after Christmas. Everything has been put onmy  shoulders. So of course what do i do? Now I'm up to about 5a day. Yesterday was my first day without. I felt horrible but i went to work and somehow got everything done.  The cravings are so difficult. But i want s normal life!! I'm losing my children. Mentally. I feel like that have no respect for me. I have hidden my addiction but i can tell they know something is different i don't feel like I'm a active part of their lives because I'm always on the hunt for pills. I just need reassurance that thus well get better. I just pray that one day i don't want them do much.
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Avatar universal
You've reached a point where you can go no further without changing YOU. Nothing changes if nothing changes. We've all been there. We find that addiction has a few rough forks in the road. At this fork you've arrived at: One road has you staying the same. From what your saying, it involves trying to cut down on using, fighting the urge when you do, being miserable when you do... And it involves sinking deeper and deeper into addiction and it's terrible consequences to you and your loved ones. But the other road has freedom to offer you, that is if you choose to go down it. It requires getting into aftercare and taking part in your own recovery. Aftercare has steps to help us change into someone we can respect and love again. It rescues us from absolute spiritual bankruptcy and helps us to live life again happy joyous and free.

I went out and used after many years clean. I was out there for almost two years. And I experienced total spiritual bankruptcy just like you just described in your post. What you wrote grabbed me right in the heart. I had friends, kids, granddaughter, hobbies, wife... everything I loved I quit caring about because I quit loving myself. I threw all of that away. I turned into myself. Depression. I lived to use and used to live. That's all I did or cared about. Then, like you, I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I came to that fork in the road. Now I'm back to living life again. You can do this also. You're right at that very same fork.

It's good that you went to treatment. Sometimes I wish I had gone. It's too bad addiction isn't something we graduate from. But It's a life long disease. One day, way back when, our body's drug user broke. We lost control over using mind altering substances. But by being in recovery and working on ourselves, we arrest it on a daily basis. One day at a time. And we do it for US. Not our kids, spouse, or house. We do it 'cause WE'RE worth it. Everything else will follow and be okay if we just don't use today.  
Helpful - 0
1551327 tn?1514045867
Stay strong friend,
I know you likely realize this but in this time of dispair with him losing his job, the easiest way to cope would be to use but that is the absolute worst thing you could do.
At this time you cannot change the past so there is no since in brooding on him losing his job.  You have to take hat you have and don't worry about what you don't.  Roll wiith the punches.  There is nothing you cannot handle and I know you can do this.  Keep coming back for support and encouragement.  We will help you through this!!!
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
I second what Larry has to say.  We have no control over things that have already happened.  We can't go back and change them.  Can we feel bad they happened?  Absolutely!   Addiction is about learning HOW to deal with life.  Using has NEVER made anything better.  The problems are still there, but now you have 2 problems to deal with.  And then all the other problems that come with using.  
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
I DITTO on what OpenMind said..You want to do it, but we need support and knowledge to keep it that way..Life is going to throw things at us..We are use to having all kinds of excuses to use...Just Hang tight and stay with us again..Get to a meeting for support..OK
Do Not Beat Yourself Up...You are good to go.....
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