Depression is killing me after trying to quit.

[Back2Me]

I am just trying to get back to the person I once was a few years ago. I have spent so long ( 2 years progressively) since I have been that person I just don't know if it's possible. It's like a am broken now and have turned some kind if corner and there is no going back. I fight with the opioids every day. I am now
on my 3rd attempt in 3 months :( to quit. I
am heading towards day 3 now and I am hating life. The wd symptoms are not that bad this time around not like the first time WOW.  Because I did not let myself get too out of control since the first time but still it's bad enough. The emotional problems I am having are very severe. I contiplated ending it all the last attempt and I have never been like that. I have alll of this fallout to deal with and it's too much. I lost my
job, I work at home now and HATE IT. it's lonely and depressing and all the same the thought of having to get up and go to a real job right now is impossible. I am in jeapordy of losing my house. My fiancé is supportive but I'm not sure she understands or knows what to do. I don't want to burden her with this. I am trying to be strong. I made it 2 weeks last time and fell. I need to work. And when I use, I CAN WORK REALLY REALLY WELL. I get stuff done. I make us money. It really does me good on the outside. And without it I can to crap but lay in bed wimpering. And if it were not for the sexual side effects I might not even try to stop. But my relationship with my girl is too important to me. I have just ordered a bunch of
Viagra in preperation of me having to use forms while longer. I don't want to keep
living like this. I just want the old ME back :(

[vicki595]

Aftercare involves any and all support systems: church/clergy/AA/Na etc...check your local paper for announcements and dates.  It's free;sometimes they ask for a small donation.  Sometimes there are also local groups...check through a local mental health center.  In my city there's a hospital that offers free groups for addiction and recovery.

Good Luck...please don't take any of those pills~~~~~~~

Vicki

[Back2Me]

So where and how does one find aftercare. I
have no insurance also

[Back2Me]

Radiostar I have thought about anti depressants bit it just seemed like trading one addiction for another so why not just keep taking my pills. but if things don't change I don't know. I
hate this. I really do. Something needs to happen soon for me.

[kona2009]

I hear exactly what you are saying.  I thought I could could use recreational too on the weekends or whatever.  My plans always fell thru.  I've admitted I an addict.  I took awhile for me to realize it but I did.  You need some type of aftercare.  I started seeing a Addiction Therapist and It is working out great for me.  I thought at first I wouldn't like it but I look forward to seeing her cause I can vent like crazy and get **** of my chest.  I think you should look into something like that to give you a boost.

Kona

[Radiostar55]

Boy if that doesn't sound like my story nothing does.  I too work out of the house. I get paid alot of money for working 3 hours a week..( I get paid by the syallable)  My wife has an 8-5 job, so bored I want to use again..But 30 days clean as of today..Its been a fight..I have been depressed all month..10 days on the anti-dep, but they say it could take 6 weeks to help. After I confessed to my wife and duaghter than have been supportive, but it has put a strain on our marriage.  I'm just trying to take it one day at at time..When you have a urge..Try and play some music you like when you were a kid..Keep Posting and don't give up

G

[vicki595]

That's why you need some sort of aftercare.  Check into it now and get started at a meeting, etc..      And...flush those pills,Sweetie~~

V...    xo

[Back2Me]

Thanks I hope so too for all of us. Another problem I have is when I DO get to feeling stronger again after about a week or so I start feeling almost too cocky about it an think oh I am all good now I can take a few since I am going to a hocky game and will be sitting for hours or going somewhere out for the weekend and I think oh it will make it more fun or bearable. An when imam feeling stronger I think I can handle it. Very much different then I am feeling now but it is what got ne back here AGAIN. :(.
I hate life right now. I just want to be my old self and feel a warm breeze on my face and feel HAPPY just to be alive. It's been soooo long since I have felt that way you dont even know.  And there are other deep issues I have to deal with but until I am sober and back to my old self I don't think I can make a determination about them.

[Back2Me]

Thanks I hope so too for all of us. Another problem I have is when I DO get to feeling stronger again after about a week or so I starr feeling almost too cocky about it an think oh I am all good now I can take a few since I am going to a hocky game and will be sitting for hours or going somewhere out for the weekend and I think oh it will make it more fun or bearable. An when imam feeling stronger I think I can handle it. Very much different then I am feeling now but it is what got ne back here AGAIN. :(.
I hate life right now. I just want to be my old self and feel a warm breeze on my face and feel HAPPY just to be alive. It's been soooo long since I have felt that way you dont even know.  And there are other deep issues I have to deal with but until I am sober and back to my old self I don't think I can make a determination about them.

[Charetti]

At the end of my taper I was taking so little percocets that I thought I could escape the withdrawal but I was wrong.  I made the symptoms less severe but the duration was still there.  On day 7 I thought there was no way I could take this. On day 8 I realized that the crack in the clouds was getting brighter. Day 10 and I got stuff done!!

You need to take the time to recover from this and stop being so hard on yourself.  You are not flawed, you are addicted.  the depression is part of it.  Find someone to talk to, even if its on here. Its nice if your fiance is supportive but I know you dont want to over burden her.  The feelings you are having are raw, I understand, and you might need to get some medical help if it remains this severe for more than a couple of weeks.  There are medications for this and they have helped me greatlly.

But as I said before..your addiction and depression are not personal flaws, they are genuine medical conditions that need treatment and care.  Good luck and keep posting here!

[kona2009]

Hang in there bud.  I know it's tough that's why we all need each others support to get thru this.  Everyone here has good advice to pass on.  Theres always someone out there when you need it most.  We all understand exactly what your going thru.  It does get better trust me!  Once you get past that 2 week mark you will get that energy back.  I remember when the Vikes and Norcos gave me energy too but towards the end when I was taking 15 a day I was a friggen zombie according to my wife and friends and my desk at work was piling up with work.  I've gotten more work done this last month than I have all last year.  I have a clear mind now.  

You will survive this with the help of all of us.

Take care Kona

[vicki595]

Hey~  Your pain is coming through loud and clear.  You're having a lot of anxiety...

It sounds like you have pills at home.  You should flush those.  It's so liberating and puts YOU back in control!   I've done it myself and so have many others on this site.

It's good you got out the house...I know that's part of the problem right now.

Hang on~ Keep posting.  You are among friends here~~

Vicki         xo

[Rabb]

as mentioned by others,u r note alone.i'm experiencing similiar feelings and side effects.i can only say,i hope we can keep plugging along......Rabb

[mama23babies]

The panic attacks truely suck!!! I had them for awhile when I went through w/d and still get them sometimes. Just hang in there it does get better. I too didn't have major physical w/d's just the mental. It is tough but worth it to live a life being clean. Good luck to you.

[Back2Me]

Well tomorrow will be 3 complete days at 11:00am. I just had a MASSIVE panic attack. I had to get out of the house so I am driving around getting some air. The attack lasted for like an hour. An hour of crying and throwing up. Felt like I couldn't breath. I feel a little better now. I have decided For now not to take anythig tonight and take it one day at a time but today was/is brutal. and the weird thing is I didn't do enough for long enough this time to actually feel any bad physical withdrawls this time it's like mostly mental. My worse time was the first time 3 months ago and I made it over 2 weeks. That was pure hell. So I am sitting in some random parking lot posting on my iPhone for now. Thanks for the help. I'll hopefully be in touch soon. Talking to people on here seems to help.

[shiet]

I am on the same boat..I'm taking so much meds.. i lost myself. I feel absolutely crazy. You should try slowly cutting off the meds.. u dont wan to loose ur gf or ur home .. hold on to those things in your life that is positive. I lost everyone or pushed them all away including my family. I know its hard but think positive.

[10356]

No Not a miracle just down hard determination.. you are home so you can walk ? it really will help a lot.. take hot showers this also helps.. there is no going back we never go back and just stay where we were it only gets worse.. Post on the forum get as much support as you can.. You can do this !! You are so worth it !! Your dreams and desires are worth it.. You do not want a temporary fix that will do more damage in the long run !! Keep moving forward Your energy will return.. Think of how enjoyable this summer will be with your girl when you are all here emotionally.. Keep looking forward for the solution not back..

[Back2Me]

Thanks. I have been sooooooo
close to just grabbing a few vic's today and getting a move on but so
far have not. It's just that I spend all day here alone while my girl works long hours and that is really getting to me. I am supposed to be working at home but it is very hard. I need another job away from here but with the economy the way it is right now  is hard. Plus we only have one vehicle now because of our economic colapse ( that I started). This is going to take a miracle for me to do this right now.

[10356]

I would not go back this is for sure.. The effects of the wd can be paralyzing but you need to force yourself out and moving.. if you can walk a couple times a day it will go a long way in helping to restore the Natural feel good endorphins your brain is craving.. the drugs give it way to much and this is why you are experiencing such depression.. Yes you have a lot going on and you got here taking drugs they sure in the hell will not help you to fix things.. Your girl is being ripped off by only getting the drugged you.. give it time force yourself to do things.. check out the amino acid protocol bottom right.. force yourself to exercise do not sit around and wait to feel better. You can recapture who you once were with a stronger appreciation for life as in your active addiction it has all been just about smothered.. stay the course fight for what you want and love. Your girl only see's you hurting.. she has no clue about addiction. she wants to help. maybe you should let her read the forum so she can learn How to help you for this is her true desire I'm sure.. Take care ok and grab that life you traded for drugs.. lesa

[Back2Me]

Yeah it is bad. I quit my job also. And it was a very good job. Paid well. But I felt larger than life on perks an did not think it through. I went through a rough divorce that lasted forever and am still not sure if I will keep my home. I don't get enjoyment out of things tha I used to. NOTHING that used to like doing. Playing drums excercising and stuff. It's like te meds have killed my lust for life. My fiancée is a wonderfully girl and I am afraid I am going to destroy us before I get better. I just talked about it today and told her I can't even work right now without pills because all of the stressfull conditions with finances and stuff and she suggested maybe NOW was not the best time to quit????   Maybe she is right. Maybe there is just too much stress right now and that's why I am relapsing so quickly. Like if I cleared some of this things up FIRST it may make it an easier time to quit. But how long do I stay on them another year??? :(
and what if I DONT. Do I continue to not be productive and lose everything including her and my home?  I just don't know what to do.

[shiet]

TRUST ME.. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT UR GOING THROUGH. MY ADDICTION TO HEROIN N PAIN KILLERS LED ME TO QUITTING MY JOB, LOOSING MANY LOVED ONES AND DAMN NEAR LOOSING MY OWN LIFE.
I TRIED ODING ON HEROIN LEADING ME TO HAVE A BUSTED VEIN INFECTIONS..IN AND OUT OF ER.. DETOX .. TREATMENT N ALL THIS CRAP..
IM SO DEPRESSED EVERYDAY BED RIDDEN... I BEEN CLEAN OF H FOR 17 DAYS NOW .. I TRIED EVEN USING METH FOR 2 DAYS TO GIVE ME ENERGY BUT BELIEVE ME THAT CAUSED ME MORE DAMAGE. I LOST MOST MY FRIENDS..IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE AROUND IS ON UPPERS OR DOWNERS ..
IT SEEMS LIKE THIS WORLD IS GOING TO ****. I AM FIGHTING THIS B**** *** CRAVINGS EVERYDAY. THE PHYSICAL WDS ARE OVER NOW ITS THE MENTAL WDS.. AND THE DEPRESSION. I FEEL LIKE I DONT WANT TO TALK OR SEE ANYONE .. IM CURRENTLY TAKING XANAX, TRAZADONE, CLONIDINE PATCH N PILLS.. I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO BEING THE HEALTHY BUBBLY LOVING PERSON I USED TO BE. I AM NOW TURNING TO GOD, READING THE BIBLE AND WALKING A DIFFERENT ROUTE.. WRITING IN MY JOURNAL..
I CANT WATCH MOVIES OR LISTEN TO MUSIC JUST YET CAUSE IM STILL DEPRESSED ABOUT LOOSING MY EX, FRIENDS, JOB, FAMILY.. SO I JUST STICK TO THE BIBLE AND CHRISTIAN MUSIC. I CUT ALL TIES WITH ANY DRUGGIES AND TRUST ME UR NOT THE ONLY ONE. LET GO OF ANY FEELINGS OF GUILT HURT,LOSS, CAUSE THAT WILL ONLY CAUSE U TO GO CRAZY.. ONCE U CATCH URSELF THINKING ABOUT THOSE NEG FEELINGS PICTURE URSELF OPENING UP UR HEAD AND CATCHING THAT FEELING AND CRUSH IT LIKE A FU%$&*( BUG. LET IT GO. I WILL KEEP U IN MY PRAYERS.. AND HOPE U GET BETTER SOON. <3 T