Aa
opiates
I've been fighting with opiates now for four years. This past May, I started dating a new guy, and instead of watching me blow all my money up my nose on oxys and tabs, he helped me. I took suboxone for about 2 1/2 weeks, then stopped everything completely. I was fine until about a month ago, I relapsed. Now I'm back to taking anywhere from 5 to 8 10mg tabs and sometimes 2 to 4 30 mg roxies on top of the tabs. My boyfriend knows I've relapsed. I feel horrible. He doesn't trust me anymore. But he also doesn't understand the way my mind works. Its not like I don't feel guilty about relapsing. I want to change. My only problem is, how do I straighten out all the reasons why I take drugs in the first place. I've seen a lot of people talking about vitamins on here for withdrawals, what kind are they? And is anyone in the Nashville area and knows a good suboxone doctor. Id rather get my suboxone legal this time around. I want to close this chapter of my life so badly and move onto the next, but sometimes I just get so guilty and depressed that it makes me want to use even more, it honestly is a cycle... I'm 23, and ready to grow up.
Dav125's comment about the "addicted voice" reminded me of a tool that helped me a lot in early recovery. I called it "the voice of addiction" and I actually spoke it outloud. It was a deep and evil voice like you might imagine for Satan or some major demon (what I actually used was Jabba the Hut's voice and evil laugh -- see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPcod8IS214).
As craving or thoughts of using would hit me I would speak my feeling outloud in that voice . . . "COME ON, YOU CAN HAVE ONE, JUST ONE!! NO ONE WILL KNOW AND IT WON'T HURT ANYTHING. YOU DESERVE IT!! IT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER AND YOU'LL FEEL RIGHT...", etc.
I always fininshed the voice's taunting invitation with that laugh, which underscored how what was being suggested by MY ADDICTION was a bad thing for me.
I came to think of my addiction as an actual entity that was within me, but wholly seperate from ME . . . an evil parasite that could and would destroy me so that it might continue. I still think of it that way.
Broknbck's comments on nutrition are right on the mark. More so than "normal" people, we addicts are what we eat. If we don't get the nutrition and supplements that our brain needs in order to function properly and FEEL GOOD. This is really critical, to recovery, because if we don't feel good we end up using again . . . and to use at all is to reactivate the addiction, which means (since we can't control our addiction) that we're quickly back to the way thing were when they were so bad that we knew we needed to quit . . .
Some good books on the nutrition/supplement aspect of recovery: Seven Weeks to Sobriety, by Joan Larson; End Your Addiction Now, by Charles Gant; and The Mood Cure, by Julia Ross
Relapses can be horribly demoralizing. I so well remember the agony of realizing I was fully back at it again, only worse, and that i couldn't stop . . . asking myself "how did this happen (again)? oh my god, how did this happen (again)." My last relapse was by far the worst in every way - in terms of level of use (a LOT - I somehow switched to crack for the tail end of my active addiction) and frequency of use (all day, every day), length of the relapse (5 months), negative impact on me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, loss of family and reputation, and the loss of material things and money. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
That relapse did two things to me that were critical to my recovery. First, it made me believe that I really, really (really) was a drug addict . . . no if, ands or buts about it. Without any reservation or qualification, I accepted the fact that i was an honest-to-god, no-doubt-about-it drug addict. Second, it beat me up to the point where I had no choice but to surrender . . . and in the war of addiction, the one who surrenders the most wins.
The pain of a relapse is the perfect point from which to jump into recovery.
CATUF
2005
As craving or thoughts of using would hit me I would speak my feeling outloud in that voice . . . "COME ON, YOU CAN HAVE ONE, JUST ONE!! NO ONE WILL KNOW AND IT WON'T HURT ANYTHING. YOU DESERVE IT!! IT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER AND YOU'LL FEEL RIGHT...", etc.
I always fininshed the voice's taunting invitation with that laugh, which underscored how what was being suggested by MY ADDICTION was a bad thing for me.
I came to think of my addiction as an actual entity that was within me, but wholly seperate from ME . . . an evil parasite that could and would destroy me so that it might continue. I still think of it that way.
Broknbck's comments on nutrition are right on the mark. More so than "normal" people, we addicts are what we eat. If we don't get the nutrition and supplements that our brain needs in order to function properly and FEEL GOOD. This is really critical, to recovery, because if we don't feel good we end up using again . . . and to use at all is to reactivate the addiction, which means (since we can't control our addiction) that we're quickly back to the way thing were when they were so bad that we knew we needed to quit . . .
Some good books on the nutrition/supplement aspect of recovery: Seven Weeks to Sobriety, by Joan Larson; End Your Addiction Now, by Charles Gant; and The Mood Cure, by Julia Ross
Relapses can be horribly demoralizing. I so well remember the agony of realizing I was fully back at it again, only worse, and that i couldn't stop . . . asking myself "how did this happen (again)? oh my god, how did this happen (again)." My last relapse was by far the worst in every way - in terms of level of use (a LOT - I somehow switched to crack for the tail end of my active addiction) and frequency of use (all day, every day), length of the relapse (5 months), negative impact on me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, loss of family and reputation, and the loss of material things and money. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
That relapse did two things to me that were critical to my recovery. First, it made me believe that I really, really (really) was a drug addict . . . no if, ands or buts about it. Without any reservation or qualification, I accepted the fact that i was an honest-to-god, no-doubt-about-it drug addict. Second, it beat me up to the point where I had no choice but to surrender . . . and in the war of addiction, the one who surrenders the most wins.
The pain of a relapse is the perfect point from which to jump into recovery.
CATUF
2005
Honestly, I have no clue. I know the high is quicker that way, but don't know what that means in relation to w/d. I do think the w/d won't be as bad as before. I know with 6 months they have been very bearable. I've even slept better than last time, not great, just better. Tuesday through Thurs I was using 5 hr energy and something called Dream Water to sleep at night.
I do think you need to discuss the exhaustion with your doctor. You work nights it seems which does suck, but you're still young. At my old age, it's part of the routine. I just have to get AWAY from the pills forever and deal with getting older haha...
I started back up in the middle of october, is there a difference to the withdrawals if you snort or pop them, I always figured it the same.
Well, I don't know if this will be a bright side or not, but I'll try. You said you've been back on for a month or so, so is that about 2 ? The last time I quit, before this time I was up to about 8 a day and just stopped. I felt like crap, but only took 1/2 day off work the whole time. This time, I was back on for 6 months, 4 a day and have managed. I feel like I have a cold, but that's all. However, I've never crushed so I don't know how much worse that is. I think you need to seek out someone professional, but honestly I've heard horror about the sub's. I think where you are right now, it might be easier to finish what you have, OR throw them away and quit. However, discuss options with your b/f. PLEASE, make him a part of it !
The guilt will eat you up alive. I have 9 tabs left, how should I taper down, I had friends talk about weaning off but never tried it, I guess with the suboxone thing, it made everything so simple the last time around, I feel like if I am actually prescribed it I can stay clean ? Messed up logic, I know. A good friend of mine quit a little before me and got prescribe them, he'd come into the bar I work at and asked me how I was doing, id tell him bout the tiredness and the aniexty and he'd tell me that I needed to take suboxone for 6 months to fully beat the addiction, if not id relapse. He doesn't know I've relapsed now, but I guess him telling me that has stuck with me as well. I'm scared the tapering won't work because I don't have very good self control. I've got to do something though, because yes he will eventually leave. And all that pain inside, I don't know where to go or even how to go about finding someone who can help me with that. Letting go of the past seems to be the biggest issue.
You know if you dont quit your boyfriend will leave. TODAY Im getting a divorce because of pills. I was with this girl for 13 years. It hurts soo much but I did it to myself. Thats why it hurts so bad. I dont want that to happen to you. Dont make quiting this huge big deal. You can quit cold turkey if you can taper down. I have done suboxone and quit before but man, the wds just lingered to long. If you think you need it OK. I didnt and made it. I did taper down from 120mg oxys. The pain inside that makes you use you gotta go talk to someone about that. I always thought I got high cause I liked it. I know know thats so untrue. I do it to forget the bad stuff that life can throw at ya. You could taper down within a week and quit on a friday and feel REALLY good on MOnday. There alot worse things to be in life than an addict. I know alot of addicts that are the best people in the world. Dont make a mountain outta of mole hill sister and get your life back...
I'm currently in the midst of my 3rd time quitting. I was on/off for about 2 years, really on for a year and a half. The last time, I was good for about 3 months. Went back on for 6 months 4 to 6 5/7.5's per day. Always thought I'd keep it under control, that's just BS ! It gets you no matter how much you stagger.
At this point, I'm over 80 hours clean and the worst is over, last one I took was 9 PM Monday night. Darlin, you can do it. I'm in my 40's wife and a baby at home. I've quit each time with "the flu", no one has ever known. I'm pretty sure my wife would be done with me if she ever knew what was going on. It's NEVER easy, but you seem to have someone who can support you through the worst of it. W/D's are the easy part, almost a rite of passage. You really have to stop, you have your whole life ahead of you ! Do it now, talk to your boyfriend, take that leap, do it today ! Figure out a taper plan with him.
I'm a professional somewhat in the public eye. Once you're clean, just take a look back and see what becomes clearer everyday. Don't shut him or anyone else out anylonger. Everyone on this site is here to help as well.
The pills are like a cigarette addiction as best I can determine in the "mental" dept. It's a routine..An automatic "click" in out routine..And the trick is "how do we break the routine?"..
It's like "never show a kid a cookie jar,and they will never think about it"..But once shown and tasted, it will always be looked for..It's a mental battle with that othe voice in our head..The addicted voice..Change your routine...Try to think of something positive you can do for yourself whenever the thought hits. A diversionary tactic of some sort..Here's an example. Back in the day when I was having a real bad problem with coke, I was getting real depressed about the money I would ,without second thought, throw at that stuff. Yet I'd get a bill for something, like 40 dollars or something and fume about it..What! you will throw 250 away in a second and are all upset about 40?..Well, it hit me..So what I did, was anytime the relapse cr*p would come into my head,,I would go out and buy a wood working tool..And eventually I had something "real" to show for my money. All kinds of neat tools for making intricate stuff.. Then after that, anytime I would get the urge, I would start woodworking, making things for Christmas presents or gifts, or picture frames. It was a diversion program I created for myself. And eventually the thoughts of using coke got farther and farthe apart...It took 10 years before those thoughts really went away,,but it worked..
So try to think of a counter move you can use against yourself..Its a mental battle. You have to be proactive against it....:)
It's like "never show a kid a cookie jar,and they will never think about it"..But once shown and tasted, it will always be looked for..It's a mental battle with that othe voice in our head..The addicted voice..Change your routine...Try to think of something positive you can do for yourself whenever the thought hits. A diversionary tactic of some sort..Here's an example. Back in the day when I was having a real bad problem with coke, I was getting real depressed about the money I would ,without second thought, throw at that stuff. Yet I'd get a bill for something, like 40 dollars or something and fume about it..What! you will throw 250 away in a second and are all upset about 40?..Well, it hit me..So what I did, was anytime the relapse cr*p would come into my head,,I would go out and buy a wood working tool..And eventually I had something "real" to show for my money. All kinds of neat tools for making intricate stuff.. Then after that, anytime I would get the urge, I would start woodworking, making things for Christmas presents or gifts, or picture frames. It was a diversion program I created for myself. And eventually the thoughts of using coke got farther and farthe apart...It took 10 years before those thoughts really went away,,but it worked..
So try to think of a counter move you can use against yourself..Its a mental battle. You have to be proactive against it....:)
Wow, I got all teary eyed when I saw that someone replied as fast as you did. This past May was the longest I had stayed clean. I felt so proud of myself, for the first time a long time. I was able to save money, which I never have done since I started working, I'm a bartender so having tips everyday made it easy to support my habit. I started getting everything on track, when a friend of mine brought up one day that they weren't producing the regular formula oxycontins anymore. That was like a seed in my mind, I still had cravings for pills but at this point, the idea of never having that oxy rush anymore, made me want to find one right away and do it....and so I did. I kept it from my boyfriend for awhile, but he wasn't stupid. Now I feel like I've ruined the one relationship in my life that has ever had any meaning to it. Reading thru these forums scare me, I'm terrified of what I've put my body through. A year ago I was up to 4 oc 80s a day, and though I'm not currently to that point now, the fact that yesterday I snorted a total of 4 roxies and 9 tabs scared the living crap outta me. Every argument my boyfriend and I have involves my addiction, we fight because I buy them, then I get upset and want to do them more. I know I need to stop but I am terrified of the withdrawals again, I can't do it coldturkey... id never thought id ever end up with a drug addiction in whole life.
You just have to keep quiting. One day it will stick. You gotta be clean to emotionally clean house. You cant do that high. Opiates and pills alot of started taking not really knowing what we were getting into. We all know now. Its that time you got to just do it and get it over with. You can do if you want. Can you really afford to keep it up? No. You can do it, be glad your boyfriends gonna help.
oh, and that was 3 years ago. i have never struggled with wanting to take a pill again. i do not even touch an aspirin since. hah and still feeling great. good health and natural energy are a better good feeling than the drugs ever were.
well i think you are on the right track. i was on opiates for 4 years and figured out the reason i was taking them was to have good feelings. they made me feel good. i took a look at my diet and health and of course it sux. when i tappered down and quit i started taking the amino acids and b vitamins. all supplements for healthy brain function. also, i went on a very strict diet of whole natural foods that give energy and just plain healthy well being. i felt like a million bucks within a couple of weeks. starting juicing raw vegtables and soon felt better than i did before i took the drugs.
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