How much to share with my kids?

[rnangel]

I have 15 and 6 yr old sons. When I was using they knew something was up..moreso the 15 year old. But he never would have guessed that I was struggling with addiction. He has always been proud that his Mom went to university for several years and is a nurse. He used to look up to me. He has never known me to struggle with addiction until recently. Four years ago my brother died suddenly of a blood clot in his lung. I was clean for 2 years before my first son was born...well relapsed for a couple of months when he was 2 but quickly got it together and went to university and never looked back. Anyhow, when my brother died I was devestated. I couldn't sleep and started taking sedatives at night..which turned to opiates..which turned to cocaine (My DOC). I was on opiates for about 18 months before I relasped on coke. This relapse lasted a total of 2 years and I ended up going to rehab for 6 weeks during Christmas 2010. My son was 12 at the time and I did not tell him I was going to rehab. I have a chronic illness and told him I was going to hospital to get treatment. I actually needed chemo treatment but was not physically or emotionally healthy enough do it at that time. I was over 3000 miles away and really struggled with missing them. His stepdad was far from understanding. His Mom died when he was 17 and kept saying, "I'm not a drug addict..you are a loser and have wasted 2 years of my life". I was a 'functioning addict' but quickly losing ground if I didn`t go when I did. In rehab, he only called me twice. I cried because I missed the kids and he would say, "I don't feel sorry for you..you have done this to yourself!". I wanted to leave him when I came home but my counsellor advised me not to make any big changes for at least a year. So I did. Even though I was sober our marriage got worse. Ironically, I relapsed on cocaine Aug 2011 just when our relationship was improving. In fact my relapse brought us closer (i hate saying that) but it was the first time I really opened up about my addiction and the first time he seemed to be supportive. I have been clean since Nov 2011. Well last night we had an argument and I ended up going to work a night shift with little sleep. When I came home this morning my 15 year old did not go to school. He was upset. Since his stepdad was angry at me last night he told my son that I lied to him and was in rehab not the hospital. I AM SOOOOOOO ANGRY AT HIM! He has no right to say that without talking to me first. Now my son won`t talk to me because of it. He feels betrayed. I feel betrayed. I just want to leave. I don`t feel like I can get over this. He said it to be mean. There was no purpose to tell him at this point. UGHHH I`m at a loss for words. As stressed out and angry as I am I WILL NOT use!! I feel determined to stay clean just to spite him. I know that`s not the right way to think but I can`t help it. Any thoughts or feedback on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

[IwillDoThis]

You know we each have our opinions and I'm so glad you posted a response from a different perception, angle - just goes to show there are angles we don't think about, different experiences and ways to handle things.  Great insightful post!

[atthebeach]

first congrts on your clean time. i am so sorry your husband said something to your son. unfortunately we have all said and done things in a moment of anger. my husband has been clean for two years. in nov '09 my husband & i were separated because of his 14 year addiction. i hadnt heard from in for four days, which had never happened. i was worried. my two youngest were 10 & 12.they asked where he was and why he hadnt come over or called i told them that there dad was taking drugs and he needed to get help to stop.i didnt give alot of detail, tell how long he had been using, what drugs, just that he needed help. my two oldest were 24 & 18 and were more than aware.my daughter still sometimes tell me that i lied to her when she was growing up about her dad. i tell her it was to protect her and her siblings and to protect their dad and our family.( part of the enabling on my part )
. i can tell you that my family and i are healing , our marriage is healing, my two oldest used and my daughter is only recently clean, 2 1/2 weeks. very new to recovery. my 2 youngest have had their dad,brother and sister all use. they know all to well about addiction and what it does to familys.

well however it happened your son now definitely knows. i would tell him,you tried to protect him. tell him you are now clean and it is understandable for him to be angry and feel betrayed. maybe you should check into alateen for him or let him go to some counseling. our children are very forgiving. have a talk with him and just let him know that you love him and ask for his forgiveness. just my humble opinion.
debbie

[IwillDoThis]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  YOU are not running from this, YOU tried to get help so don't beat yourself up, it takes a lot of courage to do all the things you've done.  I don't think your husband had any right to discuss this with your son - he did it for selfish reasons because he was mad at you - he is your son and I don't blame you for feeling really betrayed.  I don't really have any great words of wisdom but I wanted to acknowledge your post and give you a little support.   Stay strong through this and try in whatever way you can to turn it into a teaching opportunity for your son.  If it were me I would tell my child that they are old enough now to understand things that were previously kept from them, that no one should judge a person until they have walked a mile and that when he is ready to talk to you about it - you are ready to tell him the truth.  I would focus on the fact that out of love and his young age these are things he didn't need to know before.  That is just my opinion but that is probably how I'd handle it.  Then I'd probably kick hubby to the curb if over all he remains unsupportive (but thats just me).  I spent too many years "trying" with a man who didn't deserve my patience.  I wish you all the best in mending things with your son.