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501205 tn?1227345442

please dont be too harsh

well I wasnt going to post on here anymore because things just seemed a little weird and I dont feel as though I "fit in" as strange and childish as that sounds.  But I really do have nowhere else to turn too and so I am back and mostly just needing to vent about the latest mess I have gotten myself into.
I was sober for awhile but I wasnt following the aftercare program I had sworn i would do and so I eventually relapsed.  I posted once during this relapse and got a lot of tough love comments that just kind of made me feel worse and that is partially why I just gave up on belonging here.  Maybe I should have taken those tough love comments to heart instead of feeling singled out and hurt because the relapse just kept on growing full speed ahead.  The worst part about it is I have been seeing two different doctors for opiates.  Before anyone tells me their horror stories about how bad this can be, please dont because I am full aware.  I did it anyway -- because it was so damn easy and because I have a full blown addiction that seems to take the place of reason and logic whenever I need it too,
So, the night before Thanksgiving I ran out of pills and promised myself I would deal with the withdrawals or maybe try going the sub route.  I saw a doc that day about Sub but the price was $3000, even with my insurance assisting, so forget that.  I began my cold turkey withdrawals which lasted about four hours (great willpower, right?).
So, I called up one of the docs and got him to write me out a prescription right as his office was closing by making some lame excuse why it couldnt wait until Monday.  He told me to come by and pick up the scrip which I did and then I took it to the pharmacy.
I have kind of become friends with this pharmacist and she is a really nice lady. She was willing to fill it, even though it was obvious she was beginning to suspect I was doctor shopping.  I think she wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt and me, I just wanted those damn pills.  So she hesitantly filled it and I was getting ready to leave the store when it just hit me that she must know and maybe she was going to call my doctors.  I mean I know all about the prescription monitoring program so I know she can find out what I have been up to, even if I have been at other pharmacies.  
I turned back around and asked to speak with her privately and I told her everything.  It was awful. SHe was understanding but harsh.  Part of me was like "what the hell are you doing" and the other part of me was like "youve got to do this".  So she made me give her back all the pills and we called one of my doctors right there at the pharmacy and came clean with him.  The other one she is making me contact on Monday and she wants proof that I spoke to him or she is going to call him herself,  On other note I work for a theatrical show in town and earlier in the month she had asked me to book her tickets.  So after I told her all this she said she was worried about having given me her credit card info and show proof that I hadnt used it for anything more than to purchase her tickets.
God did I feel awful.  I know in a way i did the right thing but I am so scared to tell the second doctor on Monday -- especially because he likes me and treats me so well and now I know he will treat me like she did -- with distrust and dislike and maybe even worse.
She said I have to get it together and I know she is right.  I read posts from some of you that have been on here for awhile and maintained sobriety and I know you question why people like myself come on here one minute sober, the next minute not. Ive read from some of you that you think the "its okay, relapse is part of recovery" line is just another way to enable those of us that cant seem to get it together.
I dont know if you are right or wrong. I do know that Id rather not get beat up on for my most recent screw up because between the pharmacist, the doctors and myself Im getting it pretty good.
Im just scared and lonely and tired.  I hate that I dont think  I fit in anywhere and I hate that when I sober up I dont find as much joy in life as other people do.  I want to feel that way, I dont want to be a constant complainer.  Perhaps I just need to let more time take its turn before expecting to be happy again,
Either way, the withdrawals have begun.  I have no time left to take off work and its the sleep thats killing me,
Because there will definitely be no more doctor or pharmacy visits and like my doctor said if I dont stop now, Iam going to die.  I dont want to die and I do want to be like some of you on here celebrating many nmonths even years of sobriety.
20 Responses
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699295 tn?1295358345
that was a hell of a step to take, i don't think many of us can say that we could have done the same. i work as a medical assistant, i've had to cut off patients off numerous times, had to work with different pharmacists to trace my patients charts from different doctors, (and yes, i felt like a hypocrite each time, cuz i also had to lecture them about their addiction, while i was high on morphine) anyway the point being...i've never seen or heard of a patient taking that type of action. congrats on that, and good luck with the rest of the journey.
Helpful - 0
699217 tn?1323438700
good for you studiogirl.  i am new here, but i would never ever beat anyone up for doing what you did.  i along with others would never dream it possible to do that, but you DID it and i got goosebumps and tears from reading it.  So much luck to you and I am praying for you.  Keep up the good work!!!  YOU are worth it, and worth alot more than what a couple people think of you.  Hard to remember that in the first days off that poison, but ITS TRUE!  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow - that is some story - I also refilled on my DOC the day before Thanksgiving but did not turn around - no way - I can't believe you had the gutts to do that - that is your inner soul reaching out for help before it got any worst.  I have noted your story in my brain now and will try my best to keep my meds as low as possible.  My meds are no longer opiates (they used to be for like 10yrs on and off) but are now worst - benzos and sub.  I have lowered my usage substancially over the last few days and it hurts so much physically.  I feel like I ran a marathon.  I have still ways to go - but this is not about me.  It's about you and your courage.  I remember reading somewhere that pharmacists and even medical doctors, are actually a large group that get hooked as it is SO easy for them to get it.  So perhaps this lady was also an addict once - who knows?!  But, I guess she was worried about her license and maybe she could have been alittle nicer to you, considering you were just confessing!  Well, that does take alot of courage and I kuedos.

Cheerios
Helpful - 0
501205 tn?1227345442
thank you so much for your supprt.  
To everyone, I am almost gladded I poted what i did or else  I wouldnt have met some of the amazing people on this forum who Id bever written to before. so thankks, thanks so much
Helpful - 0
412194 tn?1233621532
((((((((((((((Studiogirl)))))))))))) that is a cyberhug, I think you need it and you wont get beat up by me.  I think you are doing a wonderful job it takes courage just to admit to being an addict.  You did the right thing and I do know if you hang in there you will be ok.  The depression will probably come and go, I fight depression daily but I thought my life ended 3 years ago when I lost my hubby and daughter, I know now it didn't and now I fight to LIVE dail.   I had a one way ticket going on to H*ll if I didnt stop the pills.  But obviously God has a plan for me I am 10 months today clean and sober.   You can do this also!  God Bless, hang in there the Angels here will help you through the worst of it just by holding your hand, they are AWESOME!

hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
swtbreezie
Helpful - 0
501205 tn?1227345442
Oh trouble, yes if course! I was only kidding in my post about and I didnt even remember that you had written anything. Thank you for your kind words today
lisa,eagle,ochooked, trouble & kim ~ Thank you soooooooooo sooooooooooo much for what you wrote above.  They are really nice things to say and I appreciate that you believe in me and that I can do this.
All I can say is that I hope one day I can be there for all of you the way you have been  there for me through this thread. This is really the only place I can go and actually feel better after discussing my addiction.  It is usually the other way around and I feel worse.  I think things have been cleared up with the doctor and the pharmacist.  
I dont know if any of you have experienced being treated differently by someone when they find out your an addict but it is terrible.  I cant wait till I can go back into that pharmacy for some non narcotic drug and show her that I am healthy and clean and just as good as anyone else that walks through those doors.
Helpful - 0
214607 tn?1287677559
First off...I hate to even read this heading for this post. NO MEMBERS, new or old should ever, ever feel as though they will be reamed out for posting something. I mean, I have been here going on two years and will be one year sober and I do not, at all or in any way whatsoever, feel as though I am better or can preach to anyone. Things I did during my active addiction I look back and sometimes have the urge to throw up, literally. I would never ever judge anyone or make them feel as though what they are doing in their own active addiction is in any way worst then the things I did. It enrages me that sometimes this sort of tone is set here and it makes people feel ashamed or afraid to post.

Studiogirl, we have all been there. We have all done things that we cannot take back. I literally spent my entire savings as well as my own daughters. I mean what kind of piece of **** mother does that??? I am still trying to get myself out of the whole I put myself in. And I knew it was getting worst and worst. But I didn't care. All I cared about was getting enough pills to last me the week. That is how I lived. I thought I would never be happy naturally again either. But you will. I promise. It takes a while to return to normal, but it will. And you will be happy you got there. Trust me...Make all that is happening now a thing of the past and a lesson learned. I am the queen of learning things the hard way...but I wouldn't change a thing. Because now I plan on going to school to become an addiction counselor. I want to help people like me who think there is no help out there....Anyway, take these events and use them to your advantage. You can turn your life around...trust me....

If you need anything, or want to chat, you PM me...ok..

I am here...

Lisa
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well I dont remember the cat thing but you did make me laugh about it this morning. And I am also sorry that you didnt feel welcome your first appearance......remember that many of the people here are exactly where you are - - and that sometimes makes for cranky forum members. The good news is that it can be done.  I am looking at my second year away from a lifelong major league habit.... it wasnt easy or fun to get done. But it was necessary.  There are a lot of measures that you can take to lessen the w/d's and to cope with the after withdrawal.  Keep posting and stick with everybody this time..... ask any questions and keep reading the posts for information.                      
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Avatar universal
Hey Studiogirl ---- I am so damned proud of you ---  I have seen others post on here that I thought were very brave --- BUT - I have never even heard of anyone getting the pills in their hand and THEN turning around and giving them back ----- WOW!!!!!  You would win the award if there was one for bravery.  Hey girl, I know you are hurting right now but you know what????  I really believe in you --- you have what it takes to get through this ----  Anyone who can do what you did is destined for success ----  I wish you all the best and will be watching to see future posts from you.  Hang in there.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hon...that showed soooooooooo much will power and guts to do what you did at that pharmacy and with calling your doctors...WOW...I'm really proud of you.I could have never done it..To me that showed a real 'will' to get clean and stop the vicious cycle.This is a truly inspirational post.A lot of people are going to feel empowered by the strength and conviction you showed by coming clean with your doctors and pharmacist.I'm glad you decided to stick around.Not only are you going to be able to seek help from this forum,but you're going to be able to help a lot of people as well.All the best...Kim
Helpful - 0
230262 tn?1316645934
i remember the cat incident and my harsh words about that. I apologized later and hope we have buried that proverbial hatchet ever since. HOpe you are doing well today.
btw i used to feel that i didnt belong here either when i first came here (and even a few times much later on) Now i just realize some people like me, some people dont. Big deal. Who in this world doesnt? Its not like you become friends with every person you encounter in your life. DOnt sweat the small stuff. You belong here as much as anyone does.  
Helpful - 0
501205 tn?1227345442
Thanks Sarah...I know I fit in with you and I am grateful for that.  I just have gotten such harsh replies in the past from others and they were not from bad people, they were from people who gave love and kindness to others who were struggling. So, then it must be., right? But whatever, I cant do anything about it.  Maybe its because I threatened to kill my cat months ago and since then no one can read my posts without picturing a poor kitten face begging for one more chance. ha
So back to my mor recent drama - I talked to the second doctor today on the phone and he was willing to discuss still keepin me on the pills.  I swear i used to to think this hideous scar on my wrist was a blessing, but the truth is that it is a curse.  Doctors just cant believe that it doesnt hurt like hell. They always want to medicate me.  I told him no.  He just thinks Im dependent, not an addict.  He is wrong,
So,I am, going to visit them tomorrow and try to put this behind me.,  Atleast I wasnt arrested or anyhing.
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I just got on here this morning and saw your post.  I am so glad you came back here as you do fit in and you are IMPORTANT.  I am sorry for the way things have gone for you but you showed sooooooo much strength and courage by fessing up.  What you did was very hard to do and i am very proud of you for that.  Addiction takes us places and makes us do things we normally wouldnt do.  I have found that the pharmicist and doctor respect me now alot more for being honest with them.  Tough love is hard to handle but it is just what it says....tough love.  Stay here on this site and let us help you now.  I care about you and you know that.  I am only a click away my friend.   hugs to you        sara
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501205 tn?1227345442
thanks everyone.  I woke up this am and your posts made me feel good / cry at the same time.
jt808 - I hope it gets bettter for you as well.
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Avatar universal
yea i agree i would not of been able to do that i woullda just said screw it ill deal with it later but that takes some will power or something. but anyway i can relate to u about not being happy sober like u said people here say how great it is and i jsut dont see it 4 the life of me i try and try ive been a lil over a month sober and just seem more misserable than ever the only time i leave my house is walk the dog or go to the store i dont go out i dont do anything i hope it gets beter than this cause like u said  everyone says ull be happier well i hope there rite and it happens soon cause its so boring at least when i was using i could be bored or bt myself and not give a **** cause i was high now i do nothing and i cant get outa my funk i just wish i could be like other fukn people but im not and were not so guess we just gota deal with it. good luck 2 ya and if u need anyone to talk 2 or comjplain 2 as u read it ill be in my damn house which i use to never be id be out with friends and hanging out not anymore so u need 2 talk im around.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
very glad to see you come back one of the people i know here for awhile now. love to you girlie plenty of it.................. you should be proud of yourself for that honesty it was i am sure not an easy task....................
Helpful - 0
230262 tn?1316645934
no harsh words from me. Im astounded you were able to muster the courage and strength to do such a thing when you already had the pills in your hand! I hate to say there is no way in the world I would have been able to do that when I was at the height of my addiction. No way, no how could i have done it.  
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Avatar universal
Wow Studiogirl I'm proud of you.. That took a lot of guts... I'm sorry you have had to go through the humiliation but I have found drug addiction and humiliation go hand in hand.. I have come off many drugs over the years none of them are easy.. I'm also sorry you find yourself in the position of having to work and wd.. That does suck... Feeling good after wd.. At first I forced myself to get outside man I did not feel like it but the more I went saw new sights the better I felt.. We have a void a large on when we give up our doc one that needs to be filled.. I found therapy as my means of escape from addiction.. Before I would quit a drug as I knew I would die if I didn't but I would just trade addictions.. Till Therapy working out the demons that were chasing me was the only thing that has worked. I wish you well on your journey.. lesa
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Avatar universal
Wow--

I think it is awesome that you basically handled the problem before you even left the pharmacy....especially with pills in hand.

Why would anyone beat you up over this? You totally did the right thing.
I really think that people who abuse opiates do soooooooooooooooooooooooo much damage to their brain (and of course the longer you been on pills, the more you do, the worse it is)....so i think after large amount of pills to the brain, your body naturally gets super depressed when you stop taking them...................----this is a proven fact.....sooooo, yeah i think u need to give it more time to feel happy and all spunked up like other people on here.  Also, everyone is different.....u may take a year whereas someone else may take a month.  

Give it time. Stay clean if u can. I know it's hard honey....but, you can do it!

Just out of curiosity, how long have u been on pills, whats your DOC and how many were u taking?
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Avatar universal
*hugs* i'm sorry your heart is hurting more than your withdrawing body.  
love to you
i'm on day two of pain pill withdrawl.  I haven't slept and I have a two month old that's been sleeping all night and a 4 year old that won't let me sleep tomorrow.  I can't do thomas' detox plan bc sleeping all day isn't an option.
I know what it feels like to feel like you don't fit in anywhere.  Props to you for doing what you needed to do.  If I had a doctor that would fill scripts I'd make sure he knew he was my best friend.  
YOU did the right thing
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