I don't know how to fight the urge if I have pills. I would start every day saying I was only going to take a few and then I needed 2 more and if that didn't work I woulTd take 4. If that worked and I felt good I would add 2 more so I could keep the buzz. I somehow ended up taking 20 a day.
The only way I can stop is if I don't have any.
Tramadol needs to be taperd so you really should talk to you doctor about a taper plan. Is there anyone who could hold the pills and give them to you? That would be a big help. Are you still on the subs?
Pat has the solution here. The trams must be tapered and to do that properly you need a doctor involved. Having said that, I am in the same boat. I just flat have set myself up to where I cannot get pills. Therefore, when I am feeling weak or crave a bit, it doesn't matter. I cannot get any, and to be honest there is a feeling of serenity having that in my life. Helps me accept the love affair with the hydro is over. Good luck, keep posting.
thanks for the replies! my bf will hide them for me but then he gets upset with me when I try to get extra from him (I WANT him to hold them, I know he should but then I want to take more - plus I always fight the urge to hunt for them, I am very good at finding them) still only 3 today but I just went to town with mom and she stressed me out, I was doing fine one minute then she says something to upset me and the first thought in my mind is to take more pills-luckily I didn't at the time, but they are calling me. I feel so depressed without them (the reason I ever got hooked in first place was the relief from the lifelong depression - but of course I ended up with a much bigger problem) I'm visiting my son, and my bf is not with me for the week, but I am going to ask my friend to hold them for me while I'm here - right now I'm going to eat, and watch The Office ;) I keep telling myself that I don't FEEL that bad so I really do not need more......thanks for listening and so glad I found my way back here - oh and no, I don't take suboxone anymore - a couple months back I did get a half of one and spread it out over a week, then that next week I took NOTHING - I was waking up and journaling, repeating positive affirmations and it was the first time in 10 years I felt ok without anything! then I went to the ER when I had food poisoning, who would have thought they would give you dilaudin (sp?) for food poisoning and I was too weak to say no, plus they sent me home with pain meds........now I can't seem to do it again.
how long has it been since you used? I am afraid I permanently screwed my brain up and will never feel "ok" without a pill again (but yet, I did go that week - just can't seem to get it back)
Its all a mind game. You have to ignore that little devil in your head that tells you to "just take ONE more" Its always going to be there. But you have to have the will power to tell yourself Im not going to do this again.
I think about using everyday and then I think about all the work I have put in and it will be all down then drain of I go back.
Its really common to feel like u will never b the old u before the pills again especially if u have been taking them a long time.I felt that way too.U will be fine after u quit u just realize it gets better and better and the cravings less and less and not nearly as strong sort of a passing thought.I can say I was using tons of lortabs(100-150+mg a day)when I quit.I had heen severely abusing them for like3yrs but before that I was always using(and abusing something like alcohol,xtc when I was young or other kinds of pills as I got older).Ive been clean around550days.Heres the thing u have got to have some1else hold them for u(willpower isnt an addicts friend).Also u need to get n2aftercare like n.a. NOW!!!I say that because if u dnt u will most likely not stay clean.Ur lucky to b off the subs cause I hear thats horendious and even longer than trams.I will b honest though if u used to take stronger meds(as u said regular pain pills)then were on subs how much can u really be getting from the trams taking a couple a day.I say that because I think its just an addictive personality taking over now.Ive been there too.Trams r so physically addictive i was shocked when i found out some of the c/t risks.Have u spoken with a doctor?I wonder how low of a dose u need to be on before u can quit cold turkey.I would check that because going slow on a taper is very important but not having a set schedule for when u will b completely off isnt a good idea.I remember thinking oh if I take2tabs today I will b fine(that was when i was quiting)truth was I wasnt feeling those AT ALL but Im an addict and that little bit took the mental edge off and I was so used to those being a part of my everyday for so long it was hard to make a clean break100%.I had2get an aftercare plan and stick to it.
wow! I could have wrote that post! I feel the exact same way!! I want to quit my perks so badly but keep going back for more. I get so mad at myself but just always want more.
I can honestly say I like the trams so much more than the percs and vics I used to take, the tram seems to ease the emotional pain and they last a lot longer for me - I always PLAN to take only 2 or 3 a day, but like today after I wrote that last post, I went and got a few more, then a few more after that. yes, I def. need to let someone else hold them. Years ago I did attend NA, I forgot about that, and there were periods of clean time but not much. I went to detox before the meetings and stayed clean for a couple weeks and then started "sneaking" more and more, that's when I started the suboxone. I also like the tram much more than the suboxone. The difference between no tram and a few tram (even though I rarely stick with a few) is huge for me, it's the difference between feeling dead inside and having no interest in anything, even watching tv, in feeling "ok" and motivated to DO something. I want to be able to wake up and feel that way naturally though. It's great to be here where others know what it's like! reading the posts from those who have stayed clean for a long period of time is very encouraging!
I don't know, I guess I may just be going crazy - ended up takin 14 today, now I am sitting here crying uncontrollably - yes I would be hurting for awhile if /when I quit for good but really I am hurting inside pretty bad
I mean I am hurting with them I am hurting without, at least if I quit there'd be a light at end of tunnel
Exactly how I feel. I hurt when I take them and when I don't. Sound like you are getting it. You just reach a point where it's not worth it anymore.
The pills turn on you and stop working. They make you so depressed and angry at yourself that you have no choice but to quit.
Don't give up. It's a huge battle and one you can win.
thank you! I wish I had internet at home but we just moved out in the country and I can't internet out there! didn't even know that you couldn't get internet everywhere - I'm back visiting my son, it's been 16 days since I had any pills and I am a wreck. but I feel better this week than last and I keep telling myself next week will be better......I just feel so sad and weepy - my son bought me a book for bday I LOVE to read but I can't concentrate to even start
I know how you feel. percs were my first "love" with pills, wow, like 12 years ago. I'm just so tired, exhausted of it all. I'm sorry I haven't been able to get online to post, but I've only been able to even get up off the couch and move around the last few days......which gives me hope because that is improvement (besides going to take lots of hot baths)
thanks Pat, yes that week I was here and posted that was a very bad one. it's what has kept me going cause as bad as I feel NOW, I feel hope now, I can't wait to feel good on my own, to wake up and not ache all over and need a handful of pills in order to feel like I can function - I will post more while I'm here at my son's. right now I just feel so TIRED I can't think to write anymore.
p.s. thank you all again! I feel better than I did a second ago just reading the board here. I'm going to plug in the heating pad, take a couple tylenol (though I can't tell that they are helping) and rest some more!
congrats on your clean time. each day will get better.....
one day at a time....
force yourself to exercise, take walks, go to the gym, swim, it all helps to get your natural endrophins producing again on their own.
time will be your healer.... you didnt get addicted overnight and you cant heal over night. be patient.
are you getting any support for your addiction? counseling? support groups? a new hobby? church? listening to music? eating a healthy diet?
drink boost,ensure,protein drinks, take vitamins. you will heal....
keep moving forward.
you are doing awesome.
thank you so much Debbie. I've been moving around more last couple days, trying to do anything, no matter how small to get off couch (today I did son's dishes and got dressed instead of lying in pj's all day-oh and went to my sister's to get heating pad-my family thinks I quit years ago when I was on suboxone-my bf is very supportive but he's back at home) I brought a yoga video I'm going to try to start it tomorrow and I'm going to watercolor (even doodles) anything to make me feel not so empty (sad, gloomy etc) inside. this heating pad is wonderful, if only I could wrap it around the entire tops of legs (leg pain has been there since b4 the pills, the doctors did test, bone scans etc. and never gave a reason, just gave me perks and vicodin etc.- ) I want to write more but I'm so tired, I'll be back tomorrow! there's a meeting tomorrow night (used to be anyways, years ago) I may go to it while I am here visiting - thanks and I'll be back !!