so depressed, i hate this addiction

[smartgirlbadecisions]

i am having such bad depression. i have been using a little bit here and there. nothing like i was before but whats the difference? someone told me im not ready. well how the hell do you become ready? i want it so bad but i just feel like i have lost everything and i have so little left. i know thats not true but i just feel so helpless and depressed and ashamed. im sure a lot of u can relate. i am around pills because i am too scared to move far away. i feel like i am going crazy!!!!!!!!!

[fpvfembacktobreakfree]

chick ur so not alone as ya said we all can relate u gotta work out what ya want more we all do u can do it is "fighting for our lives back n who we really wanna be" those lil devils r horriable stay strong my friend mwah hugs from oz Aj xoxox

[quitinoxys]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Are you goint CT? You are ready when you are ready don't let anyone tell you when you need to get clean, that is completly up to you. As far as feeling helpless and depressed you can come here and express how you are feeling, no one here judges just relates. So what are you trying to quit? The more you let us know the better advice we can give.

[stilltrying1965]

Depression ashamed is all part of our addiction. You must make the decision to stop or not you would not be here if you did not want to stop. First keep away from the pills, you also have to change by that i mean ppl friends who use pills You can stop if you realy want to. i am a heroin addict 627 days clean, so you can do it if you want to bad enough. You will also need counciling Thats only my opinion you can do this. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose to do.Good luck,,,,,,,James

[Bkitty]

The cycle of addiction and the havoc that it creates on your brain is viscious. You are dabbling here and there with the pills you said. Keep in mind that the pills affect the chemicals in your brain. The pills in a sense produce the "feel good" chemicals allowing your brain to quit making them on your own. So if you stop completely it takes a few weeks for your brain to kick in and start producing those chemicals on its own again. If you take some pills here and there and not as many as before-the chemistry in the brain is all f-cked up. It doesnt know if it should produce the chemicals or are you going to let the pills do it.
How do you know if you are ready? Well that has to come from inside you. Deep within you. We all get to the point where this addiction has turned our lives inside and out upside down. So you start contemplating ending the addiction. But you just cant let it go. Only when you truely surrender and are finished you will stop. Surrendering to the power of this addiction was a real intimate moment in my life, it was also very humbling. But this takes work. Its not something that just goes away when you stop taking the pills. Its a lifestyle change. Changing friends, habits everything has to change. When you are ready-you will know when and what to do. Keep searching within you and find that will. Its deep in there but as long as you keep feeding this addiction pills here and there you only supress it. Its in you, its in all of us. You just have to look deep deep within your soul. Dont give up! (((hugs)))~Bkitty

[Ladyluck8]

Hi,
Your really strong. I think its brave how honest you are. In my experience when I was a tapering off the opiates or a low dose user it was the worst. This dark cloud just settled in. Like the fog rolling into San Francisco. OMG...it was f*)&ing Scary.
The really bright side of this is that your here and you keep coming back. Your so young...I really think you can kick this and get yourself back.
Us old folks kinda have to hope the brain chemistry comes back.
The things that have helped are the vitamins and amino acids plus a lot of exercise. Music and dancing are good ones too.
Positive thoughts only to you.
L

[smartgirlbadecisions]

i picked up my guitar again about a week ago. i learned three new songs and so that has been my saving grace. i think i listen to really emotional music which does not seem to help my problem but at least i am not using wvery day but when i feel weak i do use.... i will snort a pill (i know, really sexy huh) and i feel better......for about five minutes and then i feel extreme guilt. i need to just stop. i am still seeing my therapist every thursday but i dont know if i like him.... he kinda talks more than i do in my session... should i look for a new one?? what should i do? i have not found an NA meeting that i liked yet.. but still trying.. lord knows i am still trying or i wouldnt be here posting :(

[kyle505]

Einstein said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Posting here is easy. It takes no effort. In my opinion, you're not trying; you are looking for some sort of validation from the caring people on this site.
You know that I'm in your corner- we've private messaged, I sent one recently because you dropped off the forum. I spent hours encouraging you and offering what advice I could. But nothing has changed - you're doing nothing different and don't really seem to be trying.  Sorry; just my take on things.
My heart goes out to you.

[smartgirlbadecisions]

you think i am just here for validation? you know its really nice of you to be here on this forum and giving people advice but to just write me off because i havent quit yet is actually kinda messed up of you. i dont really need to hear about how you dont think i am trying. thanks a lot for your confidence

[kyle505]

You know exactly what I mean...We talked about everything on our PMs. I WANT YOU TO BE SUCCESSFUL, but you seem to be stuck in a place that is comfortable for you, and it's not doing you any good. Detox is not comfortable, and you are avoiding it.
I gave you a lot of support and positive advice - now when I post something that is not so rosy, you get upset, and I understand, but everything I've attempted, and the support from others on this site, seems to have fallen on to deaf ears. You are young, have your whole life ahead of you, and I just don't want you falling into the same trap that I did.

[IBKleen]

Don't be so sensitive hun. the members are here to help you. From my own experience I can tell you that people around me babied me in my addiction and I continued to use. They enabled me for many years and felt sorry for me. Then they started to walk away. Then, and only then, did I get clean. I am of the "tough love" group and I give it the way it was given to me. There will be plenty of time for hand holding when you put the drugs down. For now I think you need a little push. What you are doing could kill you and none of us wants that for you.

Keep an open mind when members here give you advise and support. It comes from experience and it comes from the heart.

[dominosarah]

kyle is just telling the truth and where you are at in your addiction is the point where you know what he is saying and it hits a nerve.  Only you can decide when you have had enough.  Dabbling here and there with the pills is just prolonging this.  It is making it tougher mentally.  There is a life out here but you have to do the hard work.  We will hold your hand and help you all we can but you have to help yourself first.  You think kyle was rough on you?  Oh you aint seen nothing till you have had IBK give you some tough love!!  I went thru a very hard time awhile back and i was sobbing so hard i could hardly catch my breath...her comment to me, Congrats on feeling!  She told me everything i didnt want to hear but everything I NEEDED to hear.

[Bkitty]

All you need to do is try just a little bit harder sweetie. You cant half a$$ this addiction or trying to control it by using occassionally. You are not giving your brain a chance to recover when you still snort a pill here and there. Its a lifestyle change, changing habits, identifying triggers and developing new coping mechanisms. It is not going to work if you try it one day and not the next. So take a deep breath and jump off the addiction train. What the worst that can happen? You might start feeling better? You know what you need to do. And we are all here to support you. (((hugs)))~Bkitty

[weaver71]

I had to let go of the "benefits" of pills. The pills will defend themselves until you are dead. Oh, but I can make you feel better, you need the energy, it's too much to quit, these are the pills ideas. You have to make up your mind to think for yourself, no matter how hard it is, no matter how it makes you feel. You will feel better when you are making your own decisions and don't back down. That is what people mean by being free. You choose. People here will back you in your decision, and help remind you that it is the right decision. I don't know anybody who wanted to quit and didn't who is happy with their life, but many people who quit will say, " It was the best decision "I" ever made."

[ImDONENoMore]

smartgirl - swallow your pride and come back.  And keep posting.  You are SO close to getting there - I know you are.  And you do too.  You're holding on to them as a last ditch effort because you're scared of life on the other side.  But you don't have to do this in one day. It's a process and it is a journey.  And one worth taking and I know you know that.

We all felt like you do right now - and we all had to hear things we didn't want to hear.  So don't feel ashamed or embarrassed.  We say these things because we understand.  And we care.

Come back and start again.  That's the great thing about being alive right?  You get to start over if you want to.  One step, one decision - that's all it takes (for today).  :)

[Sonrissa]

Well said, ImDONE!  

Smartgirlbaddecisions, please listen to the very caring advice you are being given!  You can do this! Sometimes the truth hurts a bit and I can't tell you how many kicks in the rear I needed to finally get off mine and get it done! Keep posting! We are here for you!

[Brightfutureahead]

Great comment BKitty

[Ladyluck8]

I think you can do this. If I could do it you can. I have fallen down so many times but I get back up. If your therapist is talking and not listening, that seems off. I would make a few phone calls. You and your life are worth it. I felt really bad for a couple weeks but the gnc protein shake in the morning and walking in the sun gave me a little inch of better. The depression does suck....it does. I got the opiates out of my body, I told my Doctor, he didn't really care...go figure. And he got me on a Anti Depressent to help with Serotonin. I go to the gym a lot. And I don't want to avoid the reality of my life anymore. I still would love to win the lottery.
NA is a good idea. You will see your not alone and that it can work out.
You deserve a full life with moments of complete joy.

[smartgirlbadecisions]

its been a very hard day and i am sorry for being so sensitive. after finally getting my mother back in my life, her and my brother got in a big fight and for two weeks now i havent even talked to my mom. its like how it was year ago all over again. i know its not an excuse to be a baby but i feel so alone again. i dont even know. i dont know how to reach out to my friends. not happy with therapy today. F***** everything is pissing me off and yeah i am just really not ready i guess. sorry if all of you wonderful people feel like i am just being a sad sap and using you. im really not using you. i want to be clean but i guess not enough

[155free]

Hi, we are on the same boat. I have got realy great support from a member here (weaver71). His constantly PM me. Almost daily ever since the day that I sign up on 7th August 2012. I have been trying real fukin hard in detoxing from IV H . But, I failed n failed n failed.. But his always supporting me in all ways, great support no nasty words.  I too felt **** , I feel bad because he seems more perseverance in hoping me to be clean off it but every single day , I felt that I have disappoint this nice person. At a moment , I want to deactivated from here too feeling ashamed like u, and we are very concerned about how others think. Cause, we have not made any achievement but seeing everyone being cleaned , feELin free, serene etc..

I deeply thought how u felt, seriously, it's really hard. Till date, I am still trying too. I make it yesterday without using. Really. Can u imagine, it a day and now I m bk to square 1. Advice given from weaver71 was , I will regret from guilt. Yes, I have made a lot of empty promises to him and myself. Promising to not touch, but the trigger is damn annoying yah, especially my legs.. Omg , that pair of leg, how I wish it wasn't even exist in the first place. That was why after 40 hours, this morning, I did it again. Useless right?

But that's the fact which I am not Afriad to be critisied by anyone here. I admit my will power is not strong enough n not motivated by myself enough. No other excuses. Beside all the husband not knowing issue, or family needs me, or whatsoever. It really deep inside ourself. How we battle, how we want.
This is a mind game. Very sickening.

What I can say to you is, this is your choice & also mine choice. We actually put our life in our own hand. Members here give comment and support in their own willingness. If u can't take it, swallow it, because by posting, u are expected to have good or bad. Take it.

Knowing that all this people wants the best for us to be like them. Make this as a marked point. Then u will feel lighter. What are comment anyway? Comment are comments ..

We just have to know in ourself what we want. One of this days, we will be there. They just don't wish us to delay having clean life ..

Wish u & me all the best in detoxing.. Hopefully we will succeed soon.

Thanks for everyone support here too. Deeply appreciated.

Regards

Cherie

[Dane74]

Just keep on trying and when you are ready you will know it:)  Please do not run from this site we all understand, and have been  in your shoes before.  I was a wreck when i first came here and yes i failed and let people down, but as long as you keep on trying thats what matters.  Understand though that the life your living is only going to lead to a dead end, so just think about what your going to do to turn your life around and we all will support you.  Don't give up and keep on fighting:)

[dominosarah]

I am so glad you stuck it out.  You took our advice like a trooper, whether you liked it or not!!

[kyle505]

I didn't think for one minute that you were "using" us. This is a public forum and when we decide to post here it's up for grabs. I just wish that you were in a position where you COULD use us, as in, listen to people with years of addiction and apply their suggestions and support. I'm glad that you're still here; and I am sorry that I upset you, but I was really hoping that things were getting better for you.

[weaver71]

I have yet to meet a person who decided to stop and just did it. No matter what we need each other. There is no judgement, even in tough love, everyone is trying their hardest to help. Sometimes I say the right thing, sometimes I say the wrong thing. At least we all try.

[smartgirlbadecisions]

i could not run away. i had to come back.. I wish i could have come back totally clean but I couldn't. I now understand where Kyle was coming from, god i am so emotional and just sensitive and sad lately. Thank you for not judging me. I am getting a plan together though, so things are going to change (again). My brother told me I could move into his music room- rent free until I get on my feet again. I just feel like I have moved and changed so much in the last few years but I really need to ask myself what I am really willing to change and sacrifice for my health. I will keep everyone updated. I am thinking I will have to make a decision to tell him by Tuesday or Wednesday... I am praying about everything, trying to keep busy with things. I need to stay away from pills. This is just a fact.
shae