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spoke too soon

I suppose there are many things in life that don't go the way you want it... but things are just that. Things.. and it may be easy to play the blame game. When something you desire and truly want deep down gets screwed up, in this situation,  sobriety.. it's also easy to play the blame game but I'm not going to pretend that it's anyone's fault but my own. I just reached 90 days. ****** up and took some dones I don't know why but I figured it would relax me from a long week, make me feel better and somehow I believed I'd be fine. Well i spent the whole next day sick, throwing up, missed school. I'm an idiot. I was so proud. Too proud maybe of what I accomplished on my own and now I'm in group therapy and I relapse? I know the point of GT is not to prevent a relapse but to learn skills for yourself to cope. We are discussing a lot of past traumatic experiences in group and it brought this wave upon me. Something is backwards here. I can't justify my actions or explain why... my mind just won't shut off and here i am back at square one.
Sometimes it's all just too much.
9 Responses
1970885 tn?1435860428
You are an addict. If you have a way to get drugs you will always relapse. That's just a fact (for 99% of us). You may not relapse in a week, month, or even six months, but you will - as you know.
No matter if you're going to GT or NA meetings or visiting the Dali Lama, if you have a source you will eventually relapse. Now, I'm not saying that the things that are learned along the way are useless - they're not, BUT everything is moot if you have access to meds.
I know; I relapsed over and over again for 15 years. I lied to myself and bought my own BS. It never stops.
K
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
You have to cut your sources, change your playmates and your playground.  Always keep that GUARD UP as you found out the hard way how easy it is to go back.
Avatar universal
Oh Kleighn, im so sorry, you must be feeling very disappointed : (
Never mind, just keep going and doing great like you were before you relapsed.
Dont let this be a permanent trigger, just forget about it and continue with your sobriety.
Kyle and Sarah gave you some great advice.
Please stay clean, for your own happiness.
We need you, sending prayers your way
    : )  xx
Avatar universal
You are being way too hard on yourself. You made it for 90 days and you made a bad decision and just you knowing it was a mistake makes you human and I believe this may have happened for a reason. Now you know drugs are not the answer. If you said you loved it and didn't get sick you would be in trouble but you learned from your mistake and even though I do not know you personally I want to say I am proud of you and I know you can do it. If a doctor offers you suboxone I hope and pray you decline it. It is a good medication when used properly (for someone who is suffering from heroine or powerful opiates). It should only be used for short term because it is addicting and very hard to come off of when used for too long. You are doing a great job so hang in there. I don't like to come off as overly religious but I am praying for you.
7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
Spoken like a true addict!  It is in our heads that these thoughts just overcome us at times!  Get up, dust yourself off and start again!  You can do this, and we all mess up time from time! When I started my 4th step and started talking about some of the "issues" that I allowed to keep my sick it did start stirring up feelings that I had suppressed for years and that's normal, it's having ways to deal with these feelings that we need.  I applaud you for going to group therapy, but do you have some sort of one on one that you can do?  A sponsor you can call when these thoughts come into your head?  MedHelp is a great tool, but there needs to be MANY tools in your arsenal to fight this!  
Avatar universal
It is impossible for me not to have access and my therapy has lead me into deep levels of dispair too, I really relate to your struggle. I can't eliminate access, but I have made it clear that I'll call the cops if I have too to make them stop asking if I want any. I would really hate to do that, but I think I put the fear of God in all my old dealers, and all my doctors and therapist know. I actually told my doctor if she suggests opiates, ever, I will be looking for a new doctor. It was hard to put up all those boundaries, but it has really made the difference. Set yourself up for success, make relapse as hard as possible, not that you are weak, but addiction requires more than willpower. We have to do things to prove we mean it, sometimes it's losing friends, I don't have parents anymore for that very reason. It is hard not to have parents, to turn on my drug "friends," but none of those actions were harder than active addiction, hands down. Keep moving forward. You say you are starting over, I'm calling B.S., you still have the knowledge you have gained and are back here pretty quick, that is way better than a year ago, I'm guessing. You have progressed, you aren't starting over, you are continuing what you started, so lets do this thing!
3197167 tn?1348968606
I'm sorry for your relapse......and I'm super happy you returned to talk to us about where you find yourself today.  Group therapy can be a wonderful way to get coping tools in our tool box......and also a way to learn what to physically DO when triggers hit us out of nowhere.  I hope they are also teaching you to pick up the phone....to reach out....BEFORE you reach for the old chemical relief.  

There are two things about relapses.
One, you are not starting over as far as what you have learned thus far on your recovery journey.....you are merely shown where the "pit falls" are and where you need to fine tune your program of recovery.

Two, re-setting your clean clock does, in fact, feel like starting over because our "continuous" days NOT using our drug of choice has changed.
And if we are being honest with ourselves, the clean date reflects continuous days.....not off and on clean time.

One doesn't cancel out the other.  They serve two very different purposes.  So, as long as you realize that you haven't lost what you gained in these past 90 days.....you can continue on the recovery road knowing what to look for as you progress onward~

Lastly, though I admit I don't know much about your recovery....Weaver said something VERY powerful.......so, I'll end with what he said above....it's worth a read, or two or three.....even a hundred times if that's what it takes:

"Set yourself up for success, make relapse as hard as possible, not that you are weak, but addiction requires more than willpower. We have to do things to prove we mean it, sometimes it's losing friends."


1855076 tn?1337115303
My ex-husband was a ba alcoholic and drug addict.  His DOC was whatever was available.  I stayed with him through 12 detoxes.  After the 12th detox, they offered him a spot in a four month rehab.  He wasn't sure if he should do it.  He was worried about the mortgage, the kids' private school tuition, etc.  But I told him I thought he should stay because if he didn't have a grip on is sobriety we would lose everything anyway.

I could actually tell the day it 'clicked' for him.  It was like listening to a totally different person.  He had times in his life where he maintained some sobriety, a few weeks or a couple of months.  But he was white knuckling it.  When he got out tis time, he got an AA sponsor and really worked the program. I can honestly say I had the best husband and he was second to none as a dad.


For four years he went to AA faithfully three times a week.  He bought a new truck with cash  We weren't rich but our kids had the prvilege of going to Catholic schools.  We went to Orlando every April and on most February school vacations we went somewhere warm, Mexico, the Dominican Republic.  In the summer we would take about 3 vacations to a beach or lake.  He and I had a fantastic relationship.  No disagreememts.  E worked well together for the good of the family.

A bit after he had 4 years in, his sponser, who had only ever abused alcohol, started using pills.  Instead of changing sponsers, my ex felt he could manage.  First, he started dropping a meeting here or there.  Then he gave them up because they were taking up too much time.  In November of 1999, nearly 5 years into his sobriety, -he had a slip.  Both of us were overly confident in his sobriety.  He lost his sobriety the night I gave birth to our fourth child.

The next day he picked me and our new baby up to bring home.  On the ride home, he confessed to having a couple of drinks because hs mom encouraged him to go out for a few because that's what 'real men' did to celebrate a new baby.  I was so heartbroken I cried silently the whole way ome.  He swore it was just a slip and wouldn't happen again,

And it didn't.  Until the next August.  And from thereon out, it became worse than ever.  There were financial problems, legal problems ... all the stuff that goes along with addiction.  Eventually I had to leave him, sell our house amd take my kids out of their schools and put them in public.  He neglected his children financially and emotionally and has lost their trust and respect.

Right now he's awaiting trial on his sixth OUI.  By definition, he's sober.  He hasn't had a drink since he got caught November 2011.  But he's not truly sober.  He's not working a program.  He doesn't drink because he has to blow into a sobrieter twice a day and wear an ankle monitoring bracelets.  His trial has neen delayed several times for a variety of reasons.  But from the evidence, I don't see any way he'll get off.

I'm writing this because sobriety is easy to take for granted.  Never did I think my then-husband would jeopardize all he had accomplished.  Many people here say stay viilant, change your playmates and your playground.  Lots of people think they'll never go down that path again, but the truth is, it's a slippery slope and addiction is a devious disease.
1269044 tn?1393189903
Hey. Thought I'd chime in too. Though the above answers are full of great advice.
I made it roughly 8 months. I slipped up once then made it another 2-3 months then slipped up majorly. That was back in Feb this year. Now I'm about 1.5 days clean. I'm not sure my point cause my head is clouded right now. But we make mistakes. The only thing we can do is try again but be mindful of what led us to slip up.
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495284 tn?1333894042
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