still going & still learning

[penny1974]

Doing a tapper is hard. Im not going to lie. It's easy to just not think about it and take a pill when you want one and I did that once this weekend with out even thinking about it. And realize I have to stay on my toes and be self aware all the time. Make sure I don't take more. I'm learning more about myself every day and keep making myself deal with my triggers. I have read others mention being at rock bottom. I keep thinking to myself that I was quitting pills so that I wouldn't  come close to hitting  (rock bottom)  but sometimes i feel that this experience of trying to quit is my rock bottom. Not sure if that makes since. I struggle because life is good. Family, job, home, all of it. But something obviously was wrong with me. For me to take pills cuz I can and with out blinking an eye at it is wrong and not good. So... Every day I'm trying to learn to deal and learn about me and why I choose to take pills. It's amazing how knowledge can be powerful and intimidating.

[gnarly_1]

Hi penny I will suggest that you start going to N/A meetings you only need the desire to get clean....you will be welcome with a hug and be around people that  understand your predicament I go to 4meetings a week it helps keep me clean  and for fun we have a dance on friday night every week we also have big camp outs and fireside meetings  you will make new friends and all of this will make you feel at home I cannot over emasize this enough.......Gnarly.........

[penny1974]

I completely agree with all sides. It's interesting on what works for everyone. And determination is a key ingredient for sure. So far I'm doing good. I didn't think about my intake this last weekend but I'm on task. I thought I really screwed up but forgot that I actually set aside half my script in a safe place so I wouldn't have them. So that was a good feeling. My husband said he would hold them for me if I want him to or needed him to.  The support is there but I'm hoping that I have the controls. So far so good. Thank you for everyones support. It really is nice

[EvolverU]

Oops! Also, I think that Gnarly & Selfie made a good point. It'd be easier if someone else held the fills for you. What think ye'?

[EvolverU]

Hi Penny,

I think you've made great strides in terms of coming out to those around you & I congratulate you on continuing to post & for sticking with the taper.

I agree with Kyle (& I suspect w/ Motye51) that c/t is actually easier & in certain cases demonstrates a higher level of commitment. Motye hit it on the head when she mentioned fear. Truly -- the enemy in every sense & in almost every area of our lives. (Better the devil we know, eh?) I hear you on the idea of 'rock bottom'. (Over the years, I was a frequent visitor but it wasn't enough. It's not a magical formula that jettisons one into sobriety automatically.) I sometimes think that we're not aware of how bad we're being affected. For instance, you mentioned taking a pill without 'even thinking about it'. That's how ingrained & automatic our habits are. Our 'higher selves'/healthy selves are absolutely sublimated & attenuated by it during active addiction. What is most insidious it that the drugs & our habits manage to mask exactly how dysfunctional our thinking, emotions & actions are while using. One can only get the full sense of how submerged & 'enslaved' one was AFTER several months of  sobriety as our true clarity slowly begins to return & we start to see all the 'junk files', 'registry errors' & 'broken shortcuts' on our fragged hard drives. ;) (Can't believe I just used those metaphors. Uggh..ha!)

I would however, tend to disagree w/ Kyle that the when & why of our usage matters not -- just that we're addicts. True self-knowledge backed by canny action is wisdom in my book. It has definitely been the sustaining factor in my journey & in my efforts to make the necessary changes in myself & my environment in order to stay clean. It's been a bumpy ride but it's getting better. ;) The whole thing is a learning curve & I will never stop learning. I've found another big key is acceptance of what 'is' & not to expect the impossible/unrealistic from ourselves, others or our lives. In order to put yourself first (in a healthy way) & to really get perspective on what this drug is doing to you & your life you've got to drop it first. Ironic eh? ;))))

Keep posting Penny & let us know what you think & how you're doing. This is your place! :))

[selfinduced]

Hi Penny, Just chiming in to wish you luck with your taper. Life pill free is so much better. I related to your post cause I would read about all these stories on here and thought, " WOW, I couldn't handle some of the rock bottoms others were strong enough to live thru" I wanted to get out before the consequences got any worse. The time lost with my now grown children was enough for me. It was once explained to me that taper vs c/t is like jumping out of a plane with a parachute vs solo. I think Gnarly's advice about having someone hold the pills is the best shot if your tapering. Sounds like you have the support and determination to get er done. Much luck.

[Ladykonnie]

Penny, like you I am tapering, and I am doing it with my doctors help. I have less than 3 weeks now, then I am cut off from my main source . You know why I am tapering and not going CT? Because I can not get sick next week. It is NOT an excuse it is the truth and after next week I will tell the entire world why. Everyone has reasons why they do what they do. Most people can't taper off because it causes great physical and mental anguish. Is your mind ready for it? Seems to me like you made up your mind. Just remember you are in charge of your life. Have you experience RLS? Not being able to sleep? Is already happening to me. It *****. Anyhow, please stay focus and share your journey I believe whole heartily that you can stop by tapering. I am going to.  Because I want my life back. I can't do it like this anymore!!! This monkey on my back *****!

[motye51]

What Kyle said couldnt be more true and u really admire those that see things for what they are. Your scared, totally understandable but fear keeps us stagnant! Don't be scared....your not going to get around it....u must go through it!

[penny1974]

I had a really rough few days and I'm sorry if i came across wrong. I do understand what you were saying and I to am scared through this but I also don't want to fail. I want to succeed and not look back. Tapering may be keeping me on the pills longer but I'm really hoping that doing it this way also will hold me accountable for my actions and give me time mentally to move forward with ease. To adjust. I don't know how to explain it.  There are many reasons why.  But just not because I still want the pills.  Thank you for your post. I look forward to reading more

[kyle505]

Over the 15 plus years I used I too tried to taper many, many times. And failed. The things you have written sound exactly like the thoughts that ran through my head during those failed attempts to quit.
I want you to be successful - I really do. I'm just worried about some of your posts. That's it. Had to say something.
All the best.
K

[penny1974]

I am honest with myself. And thank you for having me even realize how far i really have come.  Respectfully in my opinion coming this far and even wanting to quit and making the steps I have for myself is actually awsome. I have said I know I'm addicted and For me that is a great discovery.  Going to my source (my Dr.) And talking with him, telling him I need help has been fantastic. Talking to my husband has felt loving. I may not be jumping ship but I know I'm on the right track to a super recovery and locoweed to not looking back :)

[kyle505]

I've been using (booze and pills) for 28 years. Why am I an addict? I still don't know. What pushed me to use even though I have a great job, wife, kids? I still don't know. Does knowing why I used make a diddly bit of difference in the overall scheme of things? No. I'm an addict, and that's all I really need to know.
So be careful - overthinking things is one way your addict's brain stays in control. You won't go CT because tapering allows you to continue to use, and that's what your head wants. Learning about yourself and dealing with triggers is just more rationalization that only prolongs using. This is all just a personal opinion.
The only thing "wrong" with you is that you're an addict, as are thousands of others. And if you haven't figured it out yet, your addiction is stronger than you, and feeding it comes before family, job...even health, or life itself.
So I'd respectfully suggest that you get real honest with yourself; why are you tapering rather than taking a firm step and just stopping? And if you continue to taper, why haven't you gotten someone to help you?
K

[gnarly_1]

Tapering can be hard  I had to taper off methadone it took 8 1/2 grueling months but I did it  the main thing is you got to be disciplined and stick to the taper no mater how bad you feel slow is good but it takes work to stay at it just know every pill you drop off will be a victory in the end  your final withdrawal will be a lot ezer if you can find someone to help you by holding the pils that way you cant just run and take one good luck and God bless..........Gnarly.................

[penny1974]

I know I should c/t it. But I can't and am not ready to jump. I know many of you have went cold Turky and I think that is an amazing thing. I really feel that I have grown and learned allot and I want to continue to grow and continue to learn about myself. I'm learning to let go during this process. It may be slow but I also want it to be permanent and to never look back. I believe with my full being that the way I'm going is best for me. It shucks and it's really hard. Really hard!  And I know I'm dragging out the w/d kind of putting myself through this as a lesson in life.

[motye51]

That's why I chose c/t....be done with it! Yeah, it *****. But once its done, its done!