Aa
the failure continues.
Well bamaman is back home. He came home Sunday. And here we go again....i just came home from swimming laps. I jade a big day. I went back to work for.the first time.since Dec 22 2011. I had a meeting last week at work for a few hours but that moment count...anyways i had a great day.
First off everyone welcomed me back. My team did great while i was out for.so long. We came in third out of 14 in our center. Thanks to my hypo. Im.so proud of them Im buying them breakfast tomorrow. I had so many hugs high fives. Told how great i looked. It really boosted my selfesteem into the stratosphere.
My manager new i was in a bad spot with meds along her manager our center manager. Both were so proud of me. They were praying and rooting for me. Didn't know how many people really care about me. I had so many people high diving me and words of encouragement. Im walking strong. Haven't had to use my cane in two weeks!! Im swimming every other day. Im so pumped up on top of the world. I had such a grand ole time at work sober. I thought about how blessed i am. I've got a network of good coworkers that care. Both under me same level and above me. And i have all of you!! All of you have supported encouraged me in my deepest hours. I thank you and consider many of you friends. Close ones.
So here i am on cloud nine floating along and come home to a husband high as a kite. Im so p.o.d. He's only been back three days and went right back to the @#%%. I know he's high because he was nodding off on the porch!! And when i asked him to come inside he started up about where I've been. I told him i was gonna go swim.
For some reason i knew he was gonna fail. Yesterday je got back into his accusing blaming mode. If he losses something he blames me or our daughter. Really. He cannot handle any responsibility. I find him so petty ugly mean and plain stupid. I am not attracted to his behavior or himself. I am not gonna waste time talking to him. Or focusing on him. How can one talk to someone passed out? This is truly a huge disappointment. Yes he cleaned the house. Yes he looked for work and found some. But i am very angry hurt and plain mad. I want to boot him out the door. I don't even want to give him.a second chance. Or should i let this day slip? I know he's valiumed up. That's all he has and antidepressant. He's deffininantly not on pain pills because he's snoring. So should i let this slip and set boundaries in our therapy session Monday or should i just boot him out?
I refuse to go down with him. I will not let his sickness make me sick. I can not stand his behavior. I forgot how he truly behaves. I deserve better. I demand better....help please.
First off everyone welcomed me back. My team did great while i was out for.so long. We came in third out of 14 in our center. Thanks to my hypo. Im.so proud of them Im buying them breakfast tomorrow. I had so many hugs high fives. Told how great i looked. It really boosted my selfesteem into the stratosphere.
My manager new i was in a bad spot with meds along her manager our center manager. Both were so proud of me. They were praying and rooting for me. Didn't know how many people really care about me. I had so many people high diving me and words of encouragement. Im walking strong. Haven't had to use my cane in two weeks!! Im swimming every other day. Im so pumped up on top of the world. I had such a grand ole time at work sober. I thought about how blessed i am. I've got a network of good coworkers that care. Both under me same level and above me. And i have all of you!! All of you have supported encouraged me in my deepest hours. I thank you and consider many of you friends. Close ones.
So here i am on cloud nine floating along and come home to a husband high as a kite. Im so p.o.d. He's only been back three days and went right back to the @#%%. I know he's high because he was nodding off on the porch!! And when i asked him to come inside he started up about where I've been. I told him i was gonna go swim.
For some reason i knew he was gonna fail. Yesterday je got back into his accusing blaming mode. If he losses something he blames me or our daughter. Really. He cannot handle any responsibility. I find him so petty ugly mean and plain stupid. I am not attracted to his behavior or himself. I am not gonna waste time talking to him. Or focusing on him. How can one talk to someone passed out? This is truly a huge disappointment. Yes he cleaned the house. Yes he looked for work and found some. But i am very angry hurt and plain mad. I want to boot him out the door. I don't even want to give him.a second chance. Or should i let this day slip? I know he's valiumed up. That's all he has and antidepressant. He's deffininantly not on pain pills because he's snoring. So should i let this slip and set boundaries in our therapy session Monday or should i just boot him out?
I refuse to go down with him. I will not let his sickness make me sick. I can not stand his behavior. I forgot how he truly behaves. I deserve better. I demand better....help please.
Yeah Im turning in...and yes he goes to outpatient therapy..has to.do.drug tests..and we go.to na. Again he was not on.pain pills...Im sure of.that..but he does like valium. Yuck...i don't like them.things lol. If he can't get it together Im gonna ask him.to leave. If he overuses his valium he out of here...but lets give him.one more.shot before we walk him.off.the plank ok?
I know you will.. You guys are strong get some rest and try to have a good day at work tomorrow.
I don't know about your husband, but for me, the addict in me is an ******* and doesn't care about anything accept me and my drugs. What got me out of my delirium was my fiance leaving. At the time, she was saying that I had a problem, I wasn't the same anymore, I needed to get help, etc. I was totally in denial, said that was BS, "go ahead and leave". It took a few more months of using before I came to my senses. She's still gone, probably for good, but
what I'm saying is that it sounds like he's still in his addiction. I don't know if men get more depressed, or more focused on bills, or whatever. He sounds
unhappy. Is NA an option?
what I'm saying is that it sounds like he's still in his addiction. I don't know if men get more depressed, or more focused on bills, or whatever. He sounds
unhappy. Is NA an option?
He took three valiums yesterday...he said he felt overwhelmed. His druggie friend came.over to.try to.sell him.some loratabs...he said he was shaking from.cravings..then cleaned and.cleaned. Then took some.valium for anxiety. And passed out...then he woke up and talked.years off.at 130. We talked.tonight about his emotions...he's scared and wants to stay off lain pills. He dosent have any. Just antidepressant and valium for anxiety
Hi Bama,
so sorry to hear that.. I posted message for you just a minute ago saying how great it was that he too decided to stay clean.. I just hope that it's not the pain pills.. I think that more than anything, you guys need to be honest with each other.. so try to talk to him.. without blaming or anger.. just talk to him and ask for honesty.. ask how he feels and why did he chose to get high.. on what ever he did get high on.. I think that if he'll see that you actually care about why he did it, he will be honest.. rather than lying or fighting.. and dishonesty, which may result in a real - pain pill - relapse..
so sorry to hear that.. I posted message for you just a minute ago saying how great it was that he too decided to stay clean.. I just hope that it's not the pain pills.. I think that more than anything, you guys need to be honest with each other.. so try to talk to him.. without blaming or anger.. just talk to him and ask for honesty.. ask how he feels and why did he chose to get high.. on what ever he did get high on.. I think that if he'll see that you actually care about why he did it, he will be honest.. rather than lying or fighting.. and dishonesty, which may result in a real - pain pill - relapse..
Well your a man. Help me understand his head. He's 24 days clean. What do men think.about after they see the destruction of their actions? Why'd you guys focus on bills bills bills. Why'd you blame us women for your forgetfulness? Do you guys get more depressed? More angry at yourselves? Overwhelming? Give me some hope. Something. I need a mans prespective? Do you know your breaking our hearts? What do y'all feel and think? Talk to me
Sorry Bama. I can relate, even though I'm a man. I don't know what to tell you, but we love you no matter what here. Hang in there.
Here he goes again... Please help me with insight. So today at work.was crappy. We jade a team meeting. And i had the wonderful.job of being the bearer of bad news. My company is running itself into the ground. Were the largest telecommunication company in the world. All our c.e.o.s are money driven caring.nothing for there sales force or employees. Outsourcing. Poor customer service rating. And who do.they blame? Rhetorically sales.force. They took.away 75% off our commission. Everyone is unhappy and nerves are stretched to the limit. We've lost over 200 people in less than a year.. And now they give us more @##% to deal.with. They are setting metrics so high they are literally unattainable. I have to give out write ups for stupid things that don't pertain to sales. And unhappy sales force makes less money for the company.. I am.watching a company collapse because of greedy board members and c.e.o.s...to give you a hint the company starts with an a. Phone company. I truly love my job. But not the system. I think they want to shut down our department. I see it coming. So that's my day. Awful mood. Disappointed. I hate disciplining my team mates. And we came.in third..but everyone failed to hit the metrics so i get wrote up too. Got to love this economy.
Anyways.. So i trudged home. Wanted to prop.my feet up and b@@@ to bamaman. I got no support. He doesn't realize the stress Im under. I wanted to snort so many oxies and numb up from the pain of writing up colleages and one gets fired.
So here i came home and found him.awake. Sober. Didn't say nothing about yesterday episode. I truly think it was valiums because his drugged friends wanted to sell him.pills. And we know how vulnerable one is out of rehab. And he fell off a ladder at work due to his drunk partner not holding it or something like that. I put a patch on him..lidoderm. Heating pad and he's in bed. But there he went off on his blaming mode.again...about something he lost. He's killing me slowly with his attitude. Do member progress at a slower speed? Do men do this when they are stressed? Do men Take out all their frustrations on people. Or is he predispositioned to this thinking? He's deffininantly not happy. He obsesses over bills. Bills bills bills. He makes me feel like a looser in that department. Im not a looser. He's the only one who knows how to flip my switch. He hates me on the forum. Says i can't help anyone. That i got to get my act together and Im wasting my time. I disagree. I stay focused with all of u. I try to help pay it forward. He's so jealous of my friends here. Hes so full of despair and anger.
Plus having a partner who drinks like a fish and smokes weed really bothers him. His partner isn't being fair in the work load. I know that's something he has to do. I even told him if it bothers him.that bad to walk away. We had the capital to start the business. We have the equipment. His friend doesn't even have a licence to drive do to multiple d.u.is. My husband has a heart of gold. He's a good ole southern boy who'd give ya the shirt off his back. Yet why is he harsh on me? Im the supporter here. I encourage him. Yet thru the years I've noticed my husbands main issue is self doubt. Will that go away with clean time?
Am i taking all this personal because of my bad day? Or is this a toxic relationship?
Anyways.. So i trudged home. Wanted to prop.my feet up and b@@@ to bamaman. I got no support. He doesn't realize the stress Im under. I wanted to snort so many oxies and numb up from the pain of writing up colleages and one gets fired.
So here i came home and found him.awake. Sober. Didn't say nothing about yesterday episode. I truly think it was valiums because his drugged friends wanted to sell him.pills. And we know how vulnerable one is out of rehab. And he fell off a ladder at work due to his drunk partner not holding it or something like that. I put a patch on him..lidoderm. Heating pad and he's in bed. But there he went off on his blaming mode.again...about something he lost. He's killing me slowly with his attitude. Do member progress at a slower speed? Do men do this when they are stressed? Do men Take out all their frustrations on people. Or is he predispositioned to this thinking? He's deffininantly not happy. He obsesses over bills. Bills bills bills. He makes me feel like a looser in that department. Im not a looser. He's the only one who knows how to flip my switch. He hates me on the forum. Says i can't help anyone. That i got to get my act together and Im wasting my time. I disagree. I stay focused with all of u. I try to help pay it forward. He's so jealous of my friends here. Hes so full of despair and anger.
Plus having a partner who drinks like a fish and smokes weed really bothers him. His partner isn't being fair in the work load. I know that's something he has to do. I even told him if it bothers him.that bad to walk away. We had the capital to start the business. We have the equipment. His friend doesn't even have a licence to drive do to multiple d.u.is. My husband has a heart of gold. He's a good ole southern boy who'd give ya the shirt off his back. Yet why is he harsh on me? Im the supporter here. I encourage him. Yet thru the years I've noticed my husbands main issue is self doubt. Will that go away with clean time?
Am i taking all this personal because of my bad day? Or is this a toxic relationship?
I haven't read your whole thread, but I know your hurting. So sorry for that. You are very unselfish and dedicated, but Sara is right. Take care of you first and all else will fall into place. Here's sending you big hugs.
Y'all all the best!!! I can't move up.the Monday session. Can't miss anymore work. I won't think too much into it. Im too busy. For once Im focusing on myself. Swimming for the first time..meetings...reading...and spending time with all of you. So i don't have time to obsess over this. I spend alot.of.time researching addiction and behaviors. I understand what he's going thru. Im over the initial anger..heartbreak ..Im gonna let Jesus take the wheel on this one and watch him like a hawk..we've lived such separate lives the last five years...so ill be ok with being alone if that the road i must take. I tend to.forget were at very different stages in recovery. Plus I've always been the leader of my pack. I don't know why its that way. But it always has been. He wants to do right. He woke up late and talked my ear off about his emotions...his drugged friend coming over.. I hope he's telling me the truth.. About taking three valiums and clean clean clean....i so want.to believe in him again...
Good for you! You have the right mindset to improve your life. Beware of over analyzing your situation. How you feel is your reality, not what or how others think you should feel. You are free of the binds of addiction and are thinking with a clear mind. You WILL make the right decisions. When I hit my knees tonight I will send up a prayer for you.
hey bama.....i am glad you slept on it before making your decision..that is what a clear drug free mind will allow you..no rush judgements...
you know i love talking to you girl..and know this is a tough time for you ...you know i am here for you
you know i love talking to you girl..and know this is a tough time for you ...you know i am here for you
Bama...
I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear you say that you love yourself again. It is what is most important and will give you the strength and clarity to make the best decision for you and your family. I also think it's wise to write down your feelings and boundaries and work them out in your therapy session together. You have so much big change to deal with....But it's positive change...
You are only responsible for your own happiness. Your compassion and strength are inspiring and the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband, and especially your children-is to continue to work your recovery in the brave and honest way that you are doing. Leading by example is the only way....And you are. I know this must be painful and I want to send you lots of love and support. Just thinking...Is there a way you can push up your session with the therapist? I'm concerned about the time between now and then when you will be processing all of this....Thinking about you and the kids.....My heart goes out to you Girl. I know how strong you are....and I am proud of you....Big hugs...Lu
I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear you say that you love yourself again. It is what is most important and will give you the strength and clarity to make the best decision for you and your family. I also think it's wise to write down your feelings and boundaries and work them out in your therapy session together. You have so much big change to deal with....But it's positive change...
You are only responsible for your own happiness. Your compassion and strength are inspiring and the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband, and especially your children-is to continue to work your recovery in the brave and honest way that you are doing. Leading by example is the only way....And you are. I know this must be painful and I want to send you lots of love and support. Just thinking...Is there a way you can push up your session with the therapist? I'm concerned about the time between now and then when you will be processing all of this....Thinking about you and the kids.....My heart goes out to you Girl. I know how strong you are....and I am proud of you....Big hugs...Lu
Thank you for those kind words...yes i don't know what tomorrow will bring. Lost my crystal ball lol. Im gonna pray about this. Im not making any hasty decissions. I will think and pray about this the rest of the week. We got a therapy session Monday. Im.gonna bring up my feelings there. Not a minute before. I hope he dosent repeat his behavior. But if he loves drugs more than me..and his family...i know we will always come second. And i will not stand for that.
I love myself more each day. So i will put myself first for once in my life.
I love myself more each day. So i will put myself first for once in my life.
Bama, I have been reading your words of encouragement here for the last week as I've gone through hell. I'm now 97 hours clean and I'm beginning to see the light. You have helped me more than you'll ever know. Let me try to help you. I have been your husband. Long before pills, I was a raging alcoholic. Not mean, never abusive, always worked and paid the bills, but completely absent to my wife and young son. My wife was a non-drinker, no drugs....ever. Life went on for 20 years like that. I was dead inside, just going through the motions of everyday life. Finally she said it was over. She had finally gained the courage to tell me she was through. It was not one incident, it was the culmination of a lifetime of sadness that the man she married was not the same man she fell in love with all those years before. Though the divorce was traumatic, it allowed us to both move on. MOST importantly, it allowed our son to process it and claim his own life. One month after I moved out I found AA. She found a great job. Our son spent time with both of us and is now a thriving college student (although on the 7 year plan!). My point is this....if you know your life today is not the life you want for you and your children, CHANGE IT NOW. Don't wait another minute. It's all too fleeting & precious to allow someone else to drag you and your children down. Change is scary as hell, but it can be the key that unlocks the door to a beautiful new life. Ya know, after a couple of years my ex and I became very close friends. We go to dinner often with our son. I have even taken a couple of short vacations with her. You never know what tomorrow will bring. But if you live in a miserable "today" and don't do anything to change it, you actually do know what tomorrow will bring, and it's not the life you want. Seek council from your higher power and those you love and trust, and please, please....make the change in your life that will set your soul free to realize your dreams. Thanks for helping me through my darkest days. I'm on my way to a new and wondrous life free of the chains of pills and booze.
I wanted to.add we surround ourselves with people.who reflect on us. Its true. If you hang.out with negative people negative things happen..positive people encourage and support and good things happen. Sometimes our best decissions hurt the most. But we know they are the best in the long run...thanks.for.listening
Hey guys...i slept on my decission. Im not gonna move at lightning speed. Im not gonna bring it up today this morning tonight or tomorrow. Im.gonna set my boundaries at.our therapy session Monday. Im.gonna write it down so i say what i mean and mean what i say. I will look the other way last night. It was valium. I found his bottle and counted. He took only his alotted amount. Three a day. But but but.....this is a gateway drug.for him.
Im.going.to.set.down.the boundaries that i love you with.all my heart. But but but if you go back.to pills i love myself more and someone will.go. Point blank. No anger. No idle threats.
I will.even.give him.time.to.figure out what he wants if i force him out. I love you but can't live with you...i have moved on from.the drug sene. I found out how much i love me. Im.not defined by my husband anymore. I can't focus on him and put myself second in this....everyone warned me... I want to spread my wings this year and fly...not sit on my perch... Y'all know my.crazy sayings...i will.show my children normal behavior. Teach them good.things. If it means daddy can't live here...well...they get it.
I don't mean to post so much. But if i can reach one person and make them.see what addiction does and how much pain it causes i will be worth going public so.to speak...i don't want anything toxic in my life.... Just positive things people etc
Im.going.to.set.down.the boundaries that i love you with.all my heart. But but but if you go back.to pills i love myself more and someone will.go. Point blank. No anger. No idle threats.
I will.even.give him.time.to.figure out what he wants if i force him out. I love you but can't live with you...i have moved on from.the drug sene. I found out how much i love me. Im.not defined by my husband anymore. I can't focus on him and put myself second in this....everyone warned me... I want to spread my wings this year and fly...not sit on my perch... Y'all know my.crazy sayings...i will.show my children normal behavior. Teach them good.things. If it means daddy can't live here...well...they get it.
I don't mean to post so much. But if i can reach one person and make them.see what addiction does and how much pain it causes i will be worth going public so.to speak...i don't want anything toxic in my life.... Just positive things people etc
COMMUNITY LEADER
He is toxic for you. I also see you spending alot of time living in his addiction when you have your own to deal with. Dont make excuses for him. He may have cleaned the house but he lives there too, bottom line is he is messed up again and it will affect you in the long run if you dont take care of you.
sounds so sad to read but right now you have to be selfish and worrie about you and take care of you dont let his fall become yours your strong if your not involved with aftercare get involved it will give toy somewhere to vent your hubby will get clean when he is ready and not b/4 there is nothing you can do to change that just dont let it throw you off good luck and God bless.......Gnarly
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
