Aa
the vicodin addiction.
It started out eight years ago. My first love/hate relationship with a pain pill. It was a Vicodin ES. I was living with my fiance, who lived next to his grandmother. We went over to her house like we did everyday to visit, and he had a pain issue that he was seeking medical attention for. When he'd ran out of his pain medication, his grandmother offered him a white pill ad said to take it. Then, she turned to me and asked me if my ovarian cysts were bothering me, to which I responded yes. That's when she handed me the same white pill from her bottle and I took it, not really knowing what it was. Keep in mind I had no knowledge of what a pain pill was back then. But about 30-45 minutes later, I felt like I was running on high octane. After the pill kicked in, I went back over to where we lived next door and began to clean and continued to do so for the next 4-5 hours. The house was spotless, and I was officially in love.
Then it went from there. Like any other addict, I made it a point to try and seek out a PCP that would help me along in this little love affair. And when I didn't find a PCP that would help me, I would run next door to my fiance's grandmother, letting her know I was in extreme pain - and she'd dispense 5-6 pills to me at a time, telling me to make them last over the next few days. Soon, they only lasted a few hours. But then I found a PCP that was going to help. I told him about my ovarian cysts, and that was it. A short few weeks later, I had tests done, etc. that showed I needed to have my gallbladder taken out. And instead of being scared of surgery like any other normal person would be, I welcomed it. Why? Because everyone knows that with surgery comes pills. And lots of them.
The surgery came and went, and that was the beginning of my bad little habit, otherwise known as my full blown addiction. It ended up where I'd take 10-12 pills a day, fueling my habit. It was a definite love/hate relationship. I loved it when I'd take 2-3 pills at a time, to help me get through the day with cleaning and working - but I'd hate it when I'd run out so far in advance from when I'd be able to go back to the doctor to get my monthly refill. The pills, once they kicked in, were amazing with cigarette smoking so I picked up that habit as well.
In a nutshell, this continued for another few years. I don't think I went an entire day without at least 3 pills in my system. And I thought I was on top of the world. Then my fiance passed away from "normal" medical conditions. This forced me to move back home and continue my addiction there. And I was great at hiding it from the people around me that loved me the most. I think I went to the ER at least 50 times over the course of three years, of not more. My family had no idea about the ER visits either, they just saw me fueled up on pills without knowing I was on them. And instead, they just thought I was taking life day by day in such a positive way. Little did they know, I was only making it worse with these little white pills.
Long story short, I'm now over a year sober. In and out of relationships while on the pills, I'm now happily married to my best friend and soulmate. But because of the addiction I had for so long, I now suffer from severe panic attacks and I'm afraid to take pills all together - even Tylenol or Ibuprofen. I have a fear of death that I'm hoping to get into therapy to take care of sooner than later. I've also been diagnosed with "WHITE COAT SYNDROME" - a fear of going to the doctors. In fact, the last doctor's visit I had, my heart rate was 167 just from having my blood pressure taken. It scares me because I remember a time when I would just take even a half of Vicodin and I would be a little more calm than I am from day to day now. So, I'm here to share my story and to reach out to others, only in hopes that they, in return, will reach out to me and help me stay away from these nasty little pills.
Hi, I'm Alex and I'm an addict.
Then it went from there. Like any other addict, I made it a point to try and seek out a PCP that would help me along in this little love affair. And when I didn't find a PCP that would help me, I would run next door to my fiance's grandmother, letting her know I was in extreme pain - and she'd dispense 5-6 pills to me at a time, telling me to make them last over the next few days. Soon, they only lasted a few hours. But then I found a PCP that was going to help. I told him about my ovarian cysts, and that was it. A short few weeks later, I had tests done, etc. that showed I needed to have my gallbladder taken out. And instead of being scared of surgery like any other normal person would be, I welcomed it. Why? Because everyone knows that with surgery comes pills. And lots of them.
The surgery came and went, and that was the beginning of my bad little habit, otherwise known as my full blown addiction. It ended up where I'd take 10-12 pills a day, fueling my habit. It was a definite love/hate relationship. I loved it when I'd take 2-3 pills at a time, to help me get through the day with cleaning and working - but I'd hate it when I'd run out so far in advance from when I'd be able to go back to the doctor to get my monthly refill. The pills, once they kicked in, were amazing with cigarette smoking so I picked up that habit as well.
In a nutshell, this continued for another few years. I don't think I went an entire day without at least 3 pills in my system. And I thought I was on top of the world. Then my fiance passed away from "normal" medical conditions. This forced me to move back home and continue my addiction there. And I was great at hiding it from the people around me that loved me the most. I think I went to the ER at least 50 times over the course of three years, of not more. My family had no idea about the ER visits either, they just saw me fueled up on pills without knowing I was on them. And instead, they just thought I was taking life day by day in such a positive way. Little did they know, I was only making it worse with these little white pills.
Long story short, I'm now over a year sober. In and out of relationships while on the pills, I'm now happily married to my best friend and soulmate. But because of the addiction I had for so long, I now suffer from severe panic attacks and I'm afraid to take pills all together - even Tylenol or Ibuprofen. I have a fear of death that I'm hoping to get into therapy to take care of sooner than later. I've also been diagnosed with "WHITE COAT SYNDROME" - a fear of going to the doctors. In fact, the last doctor's visit I had, my heart rate was 167 just from having my blood pressure taken. It scares me because I remember a time when I would just take even a half of Vicodin and I would be a little more calm than I am from day to day now. So, I'm here to share my story and to reach out to others, only in hopes that they, in return, will reach out to me and help me stay away from these nasty little pills.
Hi, I'm Alex and I'm an addict.
thanks so much, bama88!
it's always a good thing to know that you're not alone in this, and that you're also not the only one that has gone through something in specific!
it's always a good thing to know that you're not alone in this, and that you're also not the only one that has gone through something in specific!
Your not weird. Your smart. I read your story and can relate. Wishing you continued sucess.
thanks for sharing your story! yeah, it was weird for me - because the last year or so that i was on the pills, i was only taking one pill a day, but in pieces. it was almost like my body and my mind started to get scared if i was to take a whole pill. i kept having mini panic episodes and attacks where i thought that i was going to OD if i even took just one pill at a time. so i started to bite off little pieces of ONE vicodin a day. i'm so weird sometimes.
Hey Alex, yeah your story is very similar to mine. I remember early on in my addiction I was in a car wreck. The next morning my hurt so bad it was hard to walk on it. I went and got it checked out. Doctor came back after x-rays and told me that my kneecap had broke in two horizontaly, It would require immediate surgery. Cha-Ching! I had the same reaction you had. A bolted and wired knee equaled a rain fall of pills. For many months no one questioned my assertions of pain,( I was in pain alright, withdrawals) so I got supplied easily. I didn't realize at the time it was going to end up being a curse because my daily intake really started to rocket. When they started recommending alternative solutions to ease off the Vicodin I knew that train had come to a screeching halt.
I fought addiction for 7 more years after that. I quit when it finally hit home that the 12 to 15 Vicodin I was taking every 3 to 4 hours was going to kill me. I'm a year and about 2 months clean.
Hopefully we all keep soldiering on with our clean time. If I do nothing else today, I will at least add one more day to my clean time.
Good luck to you Alex, and congrats on your clean time. Glad to see you hear lending an ear and a shoulder.
I fought addiction for 7 more years after that. I quit when it finally hit home that the 12 to 15 Vicodin I was taking every 3 to 4 hours was going to kill me. I'm a year and about 2 months clean.
Hopefully we all keep soldiering on with our clean time. If I do nothing else today, I will at least add one more day to my clean time.
Good luck to you Alex, and congrats on your clean time. Glad to see you hear lending an ear and a shoulder.
Well that would definitely add to anxiety! Oh my...You have a lot on the go...This is a great place to get/give support and I hope you stick around...I'm seeing my counsellor (finally) this week and have been dealing with my anxiety by hiking A LOT(: Let us know if you need anything....Lu
maybe i put it wrong in my original post. i'm not looking for anyone to do anything for me, per se. but i am looking to be of help to others and others to have help to me as a support system. hope that makes sense.
thanks for the kind words, lulu. my husband is in the military, and we JUST got stationed where we now live - so i am going to be seeking aftercare treatment for the panic attacks within the next couple of weeks. when i say we just got here, i mean we moved in yesterday, haha.
Exactly. Who are you talking with about this anxiety? Are you getting support? You know you need to stay away from opiates; the cause of the problem. There are many different kinds of therapy that could help you; without prescribing pills.
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What can we do to help you right now?
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