this is me

[harp323]

there is soo much to tell. i suffer from major depression, anxiety, an addiction to tylenol 1's, and very low self worth. i work at a school as a teachers aide. i have been here for 25 years. my job is my high point of my day. i absolutely love the children. at 15 i developed annorexia and went untreated for about 13 years. during that time my father was diagnosed with a terminal heart problem. however with gods help he is doing ok today. he is still ill but ok. my mom suffered from major depression and much more.she died when i was 34. at my job i was fired for innocent absentism.[ being ill beyond your controll]. with my job association we worked to get my job back. it took 1 year and i went through hell. i had a stupid lawyer and signed a contract that basically said: for the first two years i will follow all school division rules and if for any reason, ie.15 min late i could be fired, after that i am to be avilable for drug and alchol testing at any time, if i am away ,for any reason ie. sick berevment , doctors'  for 9 dayy in a rolling school year, they can fire me. stresssssssss!!!!!!!!!! i am affraid to go to the doctor for being found out that there is something wrong with me and i have to be away from school, i could get fired. my husband isa bit mentally abusive. he also suffers from depression, alcholism, low self esteem. we are both on medications to help. i have been on mine since i was about 29. i am now 45.[ the age when my dad had his first set of heart attacks.] my aunt died 3 weeks ago and her sister has maybe 1 to 2 months to live. they are my fathers sisters. my dad is my best friend. i love him soo much........i feel overwhelmed, however i do have a huge belief in my savior jeasus.. he does help but now i feel soo low. help me i dont have anyone to talk to. i feel drained

[Jaybay]

Oh honey... you have so many stress-inducing things in your life and what sounds like unresolved issues surrounding your anorexia and marriage that you really need to see a psychologist.  No, you aren't crazy!  My husband and I see our shrink regularly and she's been a life saver.  

Your addiction is harming you every bit as much as your anorexia.  Addiction is a symptom of everything else that is going wrong in your life.  It's a slow death-inducing spiral and I pray you'll make some radical life changes and deal with it.  Self-medicating is never the answer to our problems.  You already know it only makes things worse.  All that tylenol you've been taking is probably doing a number on your liver by now.  This is serious and it's time for some drastic action and you shouldn't try to fix it all by yourself.  That will only cause more frustration, stress and anxiety, so do it right the first time and ask for some professional help.

Since your job is causing you so much stress, it has to go.  Like I said: radical.  Whether you change fields doesn't matter.  What matters is that THIS job is toxic for you.  If your husband doesn't understand that you need psychological support right now, well too bad.  Now is the time to grab the reins of your own destiny.  You may not believe it right this minute, but you ARE worthy of help.  You DO deserve to have a great life.  It's all yours if you reach for it and work for it.

[DayToTry]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with life harp.  Life is hard.  I know what you mean.  I think I was making my own life harder by taking vicodin.  Maybe the Tylenol 1 is doing the same for you.  I don't know?  I thought it was blocking out the pain and bad feelings but now that I'm not taking it I can look back with a clearer head and see that it really only caused me problems.

Just something to think about.  Best of luck to you.

[broknbck]

sounds like you have an enormous amount of fears going on. sometimes we have to experience 'changes' or obstacles so that we can grow and overcome fears.
have you ever had a different job?
you mention that both of you are on medications..... for how long? ahhh, obviously they do not work! and they are messing with your natural brain function. i would reccomend trying a more natural approach to your mental health starting with optimal nutrition and well being. it is amazing how wonderful you can feel when you are in the best of health. and this can be done with your diet.