today I took 10

[storm1230]

I am a mother and a wife . I live in a rural area. I have a nice home and car. Why am I doing nothing but obsessing all day long about where I will get my next pill? Why am I chasing a high that only comes from 3000 mg of vicodin now? I am scared to withdrawl here on my own (with hubbys support) but without anyone else finding out. It is almost 1 am and I am contemplating grabbing "another small 1/2 of a pill" . Why?? it is so late I should just go to bed! I so want to stop. This is my 3rd relapse in 10 years. I am such a supermom when I have them. Cleaning, running kids to games, homework, cooking, etc..without it I want to stay in bed. I have a few left for tomorrow and I am trying to prepare myself. I am already anxious, how crazy is this?

[overopiates]

Depression was awful BTW+guilt.Im on cymbalta works great4me.was taking it a couple months b4I quit didnt think it worked til a couple weeks AFTER I quit the opiates.The AD MEDS didnt stand a chance w/all those lortabs.We all have so much n common(especially moms)as2why we use/abuse these stupid pills.The excuses we use to make it ok.Dont let fear of w/d,depression/anxiety(most common sure effects get on an AD it u need to they will really help BTW)make u stay addicted.U need2keep a mindset its not that bad(w/d)+totally temporary.The more u build  up the the fear of it the worse it is.I can even now literally talk myself n2an anxiety attack.Our minds r strong.Use that strength the right way.

[overopiates]

BTW we get used2needing the pills4EVERYTHING.Going anywhere,doing anything.Thats exactly how I was.

[overopiates]

I didnt read the responses so I apologize n advance it I repeat anything.1st I wanna address the "supermom"thing were ALL seem2think we turn n2.1st of all yeah we keep the house clean,cook,run errands DO IT ALL RIGHT...were not supermom were high mom.Thats totally different.Were not giving our husbands or kids the real us.Also In sure w/the amount u take,the length of time etc.U dont even realize how many memories YOU DONT REMEMBER+Whatever u do remember isnt accurate Im sure u dont realize ur short temper which EVERYONE eventually gets.As for long term use.That supermom thing does fade.U will b taking them just2function on the most basic levels.Im not saying this2b mean I did it.Ur kids dont YOU THE REAL U I gaurantee u that a sober u is gonna b a lot more liked.My son is2+1/2.I didnt take much pain meds b4my pregnancy(I was prescribed6-10mg lortabs a day though)only took10or less a week(my sister was a severe addict+I tried2b careful)I was kept on my meds through my pregnancy which was a tough1.Lots of pain from undiagnosed things like severe preclampsia,SEVERELY high blood pressure etc.I weaned was off8weeks b4he was born very healthy(thank for)induced2weeks early almost10lbs.GAINED 70lbs alot from preclampsia,had3epidurals b4they got it RIGHT.Lost35lbs n3days n hospital.BUT I was n pain ALL the time taking the tabs EVERYDAY.Eventually getting more off the street.My point is I was awesome.Those3months EVERYONE complains about when u get no sleep were a breeze.4months ago i quit.5days I felt like crap my hubby took care of our son.As much as my son loved me then ITS AMAZING now.I swear he knows a difference.We spend more time really together because Im really present,consistant+our activities r not based on pills(as n of I have enough he has a better/more fun day).We dont have to b supermom just sober mom.Its so much better.U need2really want2quit.No turning back.I feel like my son REALLY knows mommy,I even4got who i was(honestly I was a junkie).My family+urs deserve what an amazing person u r not what some pills make u.U will b shocked that u feel like an amazing mom way better than now once ur sober+back on ur feet.B happy u have ur husband there2support u.I didnt tell n e1except him til I was sober then told my mom.U can do it.AFTERCARE IS THE KEY TO STAYING SOBER.

[bellabo]

hi storm.  you sound like me but kids are grown.  i started last monday and went through 5 days of hell.  sweating, burning, mind running, no sleep, anxious, nervous and my head feels like a rock.   i started vics a few years ago and just kept taking more.   it is not easy but can be done.  every nerve in my body is crying for vics.  but i will be praying for you.  i know i am at the beginning but i have a stubborn streak and think i can make it.

[dedicatedtostop]

Hey sweetie

How are you feeling?? Give us an update please.

I went through this at home with a 4 year old so I really want you to know that I know how you feel

[dominosarah]

The pills are giving you a false sense of security.   There isnt anything glamorous that comes from this addiction, death is the only thing waiting and it does happen and you arent exempt from this.  I hope you will get real serious about what is going on and do whatever you need to do to get and stay clean.  Your life depends on this~~~sara

[littlebit667]

you are going to go thru withdrawals if you have taken your last.  Go to the store and get the things that will help.  If you can't tell anyone...get the "flu" and let those commitments know you are sick.  Take care of yourself and they will survive.  I am pulling for you.

[storm1230]

yes, this is gonna be it. and I just took it so I am done..I feel like I am so mubh better with them so I am so scared. I am social, busy, I make tons of promises to do things, etc...but when I am out I feel I can't do anything . So I am worried about the commitments I have already made, etc...

[IBKleen]

Hi Storm,

It is almost a blessing that you found your old account. this may be the wake-up call that you need to put the drugs down for good. As addicts we have a sense that not only are WE in control, but the pills KEEP us in control. You see now that is not at all true.

I will not get better until you stop.

Since you are down to a half a pill, have you considered jumping at this point? The physical withdrawal will last a week, maybe shorter, and we can help you with support and remedies that we all used to help ease the process.

Let us know what you plan to do.

[storm1230]

OMG, I just looked on here at my profile. I wondered why I already had an account here, I just didnt remember. I registered here in 2009 and just read what I had wrote way back then....I was talking about depression/self injury, etc..wow, things have not changed much and that is VERY depressing!! I stumbled on this site last night looking up vicodin addiction

[storm1230]

thank you so much for your replies..Ya know, it is only 930 am and I already took one..damn it. I wasn't going to but I have to do some running to the post office, etc. I have a 3 yr old daughter home with me all day also. I said when I woke up I would save it for 3oo. That is how my mind works, I will like bargain with myself. I knew I had 1 and a half left. I took my one already..why? Do I really need one to go to the store? I feel I can't do anything without one so that is my excuse to use!! "I have a baseball game tonight so I need one", or "I have to go do a photoshoot so I need a couple" Why do I feel I cant do anything without any at all?? I didn't start like most of you with an accident, or chronic pain. I just have an addictive personality. Before vicodin, it was diet pills, nyquil, whatever..so here i sit watching cartoons with my daughter feeling so guilty. she is looking at me and I feel so ashamed to look at her back sometimes. she is beautiful and I don't know how that ******* 1/2 in long piece of white **** pill is controlling me

[gnarly_1]

HI and welcome to the forum......first off you dont have to live this way....there is life after the pills and a good happy fofilling one
I was on the pills for 10+yrs then went to 6 1/2 yr of methadone
it was a monster to kick after 16 1/2 yrs but today in just 1mo shy of 2 yr clean and life is a beautiful place again.....if I can kick anybody can!!!
the first thing you got to do is get your attitude right you must start out with a positive attitude it will get you farther then any other thing ...you have to look at this as the beginning of your new life not as a loss to the old one the old one is slowly killing you I tell all the new people starting out get use to this saying....'''you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile'' it will serve you well wile doing this keep in mind the symptoms are only temporary its about 1/3 physical 2/3 mental so be ready to fight on both fronts this is truly a battle one or lost in ones own mind look to the lower right of the screen and look up the Thomas recipe and pick up the stuff suggested it will help ez the pain a bit ....a hot soak will go a long way in dealing with the symptoms  get yourself a case of gatoraid and force the fluids  its also not a bad idea to rent a buch of movies your probably not going to sleep so it will give you something to do in the middle of the night......try not to panic this can be hard if its your first time but the key here is to stay as relaxed as possible exorsize will help with that even if its just a walk around the block read the posts it will give you an idea of what to expect and post often for support we have all been there this is no fun but again attitude makes the difference between discomfort and suffering I wish you all the best wile you go threw this good luck and God bless.......Gnarly    

[dedicatedtostop]

Wow you really sound like you live a very similar life as myself.

Let me say this...... BAD THINGS can happen to those who live in a nice house, fancy car.... Etc.
I know because I learnt all this the hard way.

I agree with littlebit, you have to want this for you, you have to want to give it up for you. I know what you mean by feeling like supermom, but what we don't see when we are using is that its not real, it's not really us.

In my case,I was so busy being "supermom".. That I didn't realize that all the important things in my childrens lives were being overlooked.

If you have your hubbys support you can do this!!! Play the flu with your kids... Ya you will be sick for a few days, but what's a few days compared to the rest of your life. Look towards the long run, life without the pills is SO much better I promise. I know how it feels to be scared. I also know how it feels to not have to worry about counting pills or running out now.
You can do this!!!! Stay here and there will always be someone here to give you advise and help ease the withdrawal process.

Being scared is okay, we have all been there. But remember, ask yourself.. What is a fee day compared to the rest of your life??
There is never a happy ending to using.

Please keep posting with us, there are so many people here that care including myself

[littlebit667]

You have a lot of reasons to get clean.  You have to really want it.  Withdrawal *****, but the alternative is staying on the pills.  There are ways to help....check out Thomas Recipe on the lower right of this page.  It really helps.  I did not use the tranks, but the rest made a big difference in my cold turkey withdrawals.  The first time I tried, I was not successful because of the withdrawals.  Thomas recipe helped me this time.  Read the many good posts here..for inspiration and support.  I have found the hard part of trying to find the real me again.  Learning to remember who she was.  The reason a lot of us get into this mess is because it is easier to deal with life and emotions by NOT feeling, than to learn how to "feel" and deal with them.  That is where I am right now.  Scary?  Yes   Worth it?  Yes.