what exactly is the "other side"

[NikkiB78]

there is no sarcasm in my question.  it's just that i have been on pills so long that i need a reminder what the "other side" is.  those of u who have been clean and seen the light....what it is? :(  i honestly forget.  i have 2 beautiful children and i want to spend my time and energy on them...not chasing pills.  i guess i'm just looking for support as today is day 1 for me.  i woke this morning feeling very tired and angry.  i did take half a klonopin cuz i cannot take care of 2 kids with the anxiety that w/d brings.  i hate how tired benzos make me as i need energy to keep up with them...so they are purely to get me thru this and i know that.  i will be going to therapy in the next few weeks...but for now i need someone to tell me what makes this all worth it :(

[NikkiB78]

Believe it or not I feel like a new person today!!!  I still have to take a hot bath in the middle of the night to calm my legs and get some sleep.  but I got up and went to church today.  I personally cannot do this without the grace of god!  

Thank u all for your responses!  They mean so much!  I am at a baseball game right now and promise to write more tonight.  I won't be sleeping anyway lol

Luv u all!!

[newchapter523]

      I thought there was a few who might relate. To be honest up until I quit I still never considered myself an addict. I told myself I had pain and needed them. I thought I was no different on them. Huh little did I know.
    Then I found this site on Day 1. I believe some higher power guided me here. All of you understand what I am going through and I am so thankful for all the education and understanding from everyone on this site. The inspiration and giving is overwhelming. While I have waited a month to get myself some individual counseling (I have insurance but that is how bad this thing is no open slots) this site has been so theraputic for me.
     I so want to help anyone out there that is going through this or thinking about it. Power in numbers is so important through this journey. Thanks and good luck to everyone on their own journey.

[haley726]

seriously... Every one of us that reads your posts is either crying or laughing their a$$es off, depending on what "side" of their addiction they are on. How sad is that! Always the same story...just a different person. But it is the cold hard truth and anyone who has fought this addiction knows you have only 2 choices... 1. Keep lying to yourself and keep chasing the "high" or... 2. STOP THE MADNESS!!! Good luck to everyone that has to battle with the beast. As for myself, I just jumped right off the addiction cliff into sobriey, and, God willing, am never going back!

[tigerlily11]

Hey Nikki just wanted to check in on you and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers!!! Stay positive!!! We are in this fight together and WE WILL WIN!!!!


newchapter....OMG I dont even know what to say. You just perfectly described my days, well my past days. Like perfectly described them. Hmmm Get out of my head lol :)

[newchapter523]

Diary of an addict

Pills refilled - YES life is sweet I will take more because I have so many. next week I will cut back.
Next week - I'm taking to many but I still have plenty so next week I will DEFINTLEY cut back
Next week - Oh God I'm getting low I NEED to cut back, better start making phone calls to get more. start lies about why I need to "run out" to get something, run to the bank, meet WHEREVER to get what I need. Oh crap they didn't have enough. More phone calls , more running around MORE DREAD.
Pills refilled - YES life is sweet I will take more because I have so many.......

My days

2-4 AM - Pain unbearbale wake up take pills. Putz around for a while enjoy buzz fall back to sleep.
wake up 6-7AM. Get ready for day skip breakfast(dont want to interefere with buzz). Take more pills on my way to start the day.
hour later - take more -  hour later take more , - hour later take more. Yikes it's noon taken to many will try to cut back . God how long till 2:30 I want more. Yes 2:30 take more . Crap buzz not as good as this morning . Take more . Ughh out of work have to go home face family .Take more. Ok night time time to chill take more. End of Day ...I've taken to many I need to cut back tomorrow. I know I will....
2-4 AM - Repeat above

EVERYDAY for the past several Years. It was so Exhausting !!! I was so mentally drained and now I feel so liberated. I don't need to stare at the clock anymore!! I control my life now not those F#@$ing pills That is the other side for me anyways

[haley726]

I'm not to the "other side" yet... but what kind of life can anyone have with pills, dope, etc always controlling your mind, controlling your mood, controlling every aspect of your life. I HATED always worring about if I have enough every day, and if not where could I get some. But a couple of big changes I'm looking forwrd to on the "other side" is getting close to God again and to just "feel" again. I can't live my life being numbed by my
addiction anymore. Good luck to you and God bless you.

[Newabuser]

Not a strong willed person you say? Hmm, I just noticed that you posted in another thread earlier today so that means you're on at least day 3, right? Do you know what the odds are against making it that long? That right there is completing 3 things that most people in your position don't.

No, I'd say you're extremely strong willed, much more so than you know and you deserve a big congratulations for the battle you're fighting. Keep at it, take it a minute at a time and before you know it you'll see how great it is on "the other side".

[socagirl12341]

You CAN do this.  Even if you are not one who can complete a task, doesn't mean that you can't get sober.  I know how you feel, I was there 3 days ago, but no one else knows about this but me and a nurse at Kaiser.  I understand how it feels to seem alone and as if there is no end to the misery, but there is.  I promise, do it for yourself and your babies.  If you need support read your very first post and the love you express for your kids and the desire to be free of the constant chase of the pills.  You are going to be alright.
You are right in the thick of it, that is why it seems so bad now, it gets better I promise.

[NikkiB78]

thanks everyone.  i am feeling very discouraged.  and all my husband can say is "you're so stupid for quitting CT".  thanks....that helped.  i have piles of laundry everywhere, my kids havent even been bathed.  i cant do this.  i cannot run this house with a man who already thinks i dont do enough let alone what i cant do without them.  i called the doctor but who i need to speak with isnt in til 9 tomorroe morning.  i hated the roxys and i told her that on monday....but now that i am completely out and have nothing....it is all i have in me not to pick up the phone at 9am and say can i have something else?  the pain iss too much.  i will be the first to admit i am not a strong willed person.  so for all of u who echo "you can do this"....i have spent a life time with not enough will power to complete anything.  let alone this :(

[socagirl12341]

I'm just reading all of these posts and want to let you know that it will get better soon.  I just took my last 2 norcos at 11:00 am Monday morning.  I knew I was not going be able to get any pills for a while so I had called in sick and decided I was done with this vicious cycle.

Day 1 an hour after I toke the last 2 I began to cry.  I had never been more depressed in my life.  I could not imagine living without it, how could I wake up, take care of my beautiful boy (almost 2 years old) go to work, fix dinner, do laundry, do ANYTHING for that matter without hydrocodone?  
Day 2 was even worse, I went to work but felt like I was in a dream all day. I cried in the bathroom whenever I could get away from my desk.  Everything ached, diarrhea, the whole enchilada.
Day 3, I woke up and was surprised to feel a little happy.  I still felt tired and had a foggy head, but I realized my mind was beginning to get better.
Day 4 today, I am tired with a little diarrhea, but for the most part much better, I can tell that I am in the home stretch.

I was taking at least 30 mg's of hydrocodone within 1 minute of getting out of bed.  In fact it was the first, and I mean the FIRST thing that popped into my head in the morning.  I would always take 30 mg's of hydrocodone with any combination of norco/vicodin every time I took a "dose".  I would take a dose about every 4 hours.  As I write this I realize how bad I was.  
Anyhow, my point is, I was a very heavy user and with almost 3 full days under my belt I already feel better.  I thought I would feel horrible for at least a full week, but no.  
So don't be afraid, you can do this and every day that you can get through, the more proud you will be and the better you will feel.  

Good luck, we are all here for eachother.

[tigerlily11]

Gnarly1 your post literally gave me chills!!! God I want that SOOOOO bad!!!!! It sounds lovely absulutely wonderful and worth fighting for!!!!

Nikki Im so glad you posted this question because I know I needed to hear that and get some motivation for what Im fighting for! I know the "other side " will be sooo worth it! Im only 10 days clean today and Ive had rough moments but I can already feel the old me peeking back out. And I want more. I also have 3 kids and I love them more than life and Im doing this for them as well as myself. You have 2 beautiful children that count on you and theres your motivation. Let me tell you, Im only 10 days clean and I have always loved and enjoyed my kids but these last few days mannnn their little smiles and laughter bring tears of joy to my eyes and I am just overcome with love for them bubbling up and just  REAL emotions are coming back. And I didnt even realize I wasnt feeling real emotions. Guess I forgot how they felt. So I think thats part of the "other side:". Also, about the whole energy thing, we have discussed this in another post, but I promise you the energy and sociableness and feeling that they make you function...Its a LIE!!! Its fake and its a strong lie, but I promise if you look close enough you will realize they dont really give you energy, they just make you feel better about not actually doing anything. They actually rob all your motivation potential and real energy. I realized finally that I was having to take a handful of pills to get up and clean the kitchen and then another handful to do laundry and man I was always so busy and running and doing this and that and the other but when I stopped and thought about it....Im just real busy doing NOTHING!!!! Really...I have to take like 20pills so I can clean the kitchen, do laundry and sit at home???? Hmmm...no I want more than that. I want real energy, real motivation, real emotions real feelings a real life...and thats what the "otherside" is to me.
I hope you stick around here on the forum, there are some wonderful people and support here and I am sending you wishes and prayers!
We are fighting this battle for our lives and WE WILL WIN!!!!!

[atthebeach]

hey nikki, you said the reason you used is because hated your life before pills. i am so glad you made an appt for a therapist. :) is this the first time you have been to therapy?
it sounds like you have some self-esteem issues probably things from your childhood that you experienced or were lacking.  i want you to know that you are loved. you were created in HIS image and you are a beautiful person. you will find the other side even if it is for the first time. GOD loves you. so glad you are here because we are here to encourage you, help you, and see you through to the "other side". it will take work on your part, be strong. keep the faith, have hope. believe, trust.
sending you blessings and hugs,
debbie  

[dominosarah]

Pills give us a false sense of security.  You are not useless by any means. You can do this so keep fighting.

Nikki...Get up out of bed and get moving around.  The more you do that the better you will feel.  I know this is hard but this is only temporary.  Life on the "other side" is awesome!!

[tiredofnorco]

Reading your post gives me hope.  I know what you mean about feeling gross and not wanting your picture taken, etc.  The pills have made me stop caring about a lot of things that were once very important to me.  Congratulations on day 8!

[tiredofnorco]

I completely understand how you feel.  I felt that they gave me energy and helped me to be more social.  I thought I was a better mom & person on them too because I was able to get more done.  Today is very difficult.  I feel useless and can't focus on anything.

[NikkiB78]

Thanks gnarly.  I guess the sad part it I hated my life even before pills.  I am quite the opposite,   I isolate myself unless I'm on pills....they make me (or once did). Live everyone and everything.  I starred abusing for that "energy" and want to talk and be around people.  Like part of me feels like I AMA better person on pills cuz of what I can accomplish.  I am laying in bed as my 1 yr old naps and my 4 yr old entertains herself.  Where If I had a pill I would have the energy to play outside right now.  It all just makes me so very very sad.

[gnarly_1]

SO  you want to know what the other side is like.....well first off its a beautiful place all the anxiety that goes along with being chained to a pill bottle is gone ....no more counting pills no more lying to doctors friends and spouses no more panicking when your out and the freedom to plan your day/life without woooring about pills morso then all of this is you get yourself back you will be able to feel again not the numb 1/2 feelings you get after years on the pills but real feelings love becomes much deeper....you will find joy in life again you will want to interact with people again instead of isolating yourself things that have lost meaning to you will start to have meaning again....if you believe in God the bearer this puts between you and him will be gone ...its like someone has turned on your life again....now it takes time you dident become an addict overnight but however long it takes it will be so so worth it....hope this helps you understand what your missing and gives you the drive to do something about it I wish you all the luck in the world in your recovery if I can help just message me.........Gnarly

[irishann]

You just wrote my life exactly for the past 5 years! I was on lortab for 11 years, but yeah..planning life on refills..I would lie to get some early, if I was going to run out...I have gained probably 75 lbs...I don't get my picture taken cause I feel so gross..my boyfriend and I stopped being intimate about 2 years ago because we were both so dispondant cause of the pills, and he stopped finding me attractive because of the weight gain! He isn't an a@@hole, so please whoever reads this, don't think negatively about him, because I stopped caring about myself and everything. ...days will be hard, but they do get better..like I said...day 8 and im feeling so much better! As soon as I can get a grip on the wds...I am working on my weight and health....one mountain at a time!

[tiredofnorco]

Thank you.  I didn't take a lot at one time but took them throughout the day every day.  I'm sick of worrying about running out early and counting the days until the next refill so I know it's time to deal with this.  I've been angry and sad for a while now too.  The pills made me gain weight and I just feel bad, which is the complete opposite of how I used to be.  I always thought they gave me energy to take the pain away and get things done but now I see I've just been going through the motions and haven't fully enjoyed or been interested in anything in a long time.  I feel awful today and defnitely don't have energy but I'm hoping it gets better!  I really don't want to give in to this again to just make it through the day.  It's not fair to my family or me.

[irishann]

Hey tired! I just posted to nikki, but I wanted to let u know that if you just go one minute, to one hour to one day at. a time...there is a light! I'm only 8 days clean and feel so much better! But im always here, ill be happy to support you however I can, cause I will probably need you too! There are so many great people on here and feel so lucky I found this website!
if ya need me, im here...
Irish

[irishann]

Oh and hey...I love this forum...so ill always be here, please don't think u r doing this alone, or with only one other person...as you know, so many people here, but maybe when one of us needs strength one day, we will be here for each other! Ill be here for you!
irish

[irishann]

Hey Nikki...so...I've only been clean like 8 days off lortabs, granted, I was only doing like 3 a day..not many, but for 11 years...and I was like you...chasin the pills...and I noticed the past few years, I have been so sad and angry! Hated everyone and everything...well...yesterday I woke up, feeling actually...happy! No aches and pains, no tears...and I went to work and I was actually in a good mood! That hasn't happened for the 4 years I worked there! The customers didn't bug me, my co workers weren't bugging me...it was like I felt like my old self! That's the light! I am so happy, im not even thinking about those pills! I hope that helps...there is hope, and a light!
Irish

[hearohisrael]

Hi!  I'm Day 8 today!  And feeling better than I have a right to.  Yes, yesterday evening I was moaning to myself about lack of energy, but then I remembered what the WD had felt like a few days ago, and lack of energy is NOTHING lol.

I passed a milestone yesterday.  When I haven't had pills of my own, I could always raid my mom's cabinet.  She always has gobs.  I spent hours there yesterday, and didn't even LOOK.  I felt the call of habit, just automatic, the thinking, "Will she be in the other room long enough for me to open drawers?", but the craving emotionally and physically wasn't so bad.

I can't tell you for sure what the other side is yet.  So far, what I can tell you is that there is clarity of conscience, the lack of guilt, the feeling that you aren't hiding what a liar you are.  

Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, these will not be fun.  But the people here will be your best friends.  Keep posting, stay on the forum, everyone will encourage you.  And it's sooooo worth it.

[NikkiB78]

yeah, i hope so.  i've posted a couple questions and have only had a few responses...so maybe i'll just benefit from reading?