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What is your definition of 'rock bottom'???
It's a good question.
My rock bottom was when I started to have noticeable memory loss. So bad that my friends, family and CO-WORKERS started to notice.
I had been taking opiates for over 8 years. Always prescribed; I never bought off the street (I SAY that I wouldn't know how to, but that's my addiction lying to me.)
I visited a neurologist and had a complete work up. You have to understand: I have always had a very, very good memory; almost photographic. It got me through college. People would always tell me how smart I was, and I'd reply "not smart, just a really good memory."
Well it failed. I couldn't remember places I'd gone with my husband. I completely blacked out an entire vacation we'd taken, or my daughter's senior prom. The neurologist told me my memory was damaged from all the opiates, and would only get worse.
It freaked me out badly. One of my clients is an assisted living facility for dementia patients. When I would visit the site, I often stayed if it was the end of the day and I had only an hour to go before it was time to go home. They had a piano in the lobby and I would sit and play for awhile. Two things happened: I couldn't remember songs that I had known by heart for 20 years (I was classically trained from ages 6-18) AND I saw residents who were YOUNG---in their 50's! who had memory loss issues. It was horrifying.
I went home and as usual, had run short for the month. BUT I had enough left to keep me from full blown withdrawals. I had been in that situation a zillion times. But this was different. I was, literally, losing my mind. And so I just jumped (well, after trying to wean for 3 days; which was a waste of time for me.)
Sorry for such a long-winded reply. Ive seen you come on here before, and then go away. Whatever you've done in the past to try and quit obviously doesn't work. Why not try a new way? Have you ever gone to an N/A meeting?
When we can't do this on our own (and most people, IMO, cannot) we need to rely on other, sober, people to get us through each day without using. That is what 12-step meetings can do for you. Keep you sober 24 hours at a time, and give you a chance to talk, listen, and learn a blueprint for how to live without drugs.
Hope any of this helped. Please don't go away...stick around here. No judgments.
My rock bottom was when I started to have noticeable memory loss. So bad that my friends, family and CO-WORKERS started to notice.
I had been taking opiates for over 8 years. Always prescribed; I never bought off the street (I SAY that I wouldn't know how to, but that's my addiction lying to me.)
I visited a neurologist and had a complete work up. You have to understand: I have always had a very, very good memory; almost photographic. It got me through college. People would always tell me how smart I was, and I'd reply "not smart, just a really good memory."
Well it failed. I couldn't remember places I'd gone with my husband. I completely blacked out an entire vacation we'd taken, or my daughter's senior prom. The neurologist told me my memory was damaged from all the opiates, and would only get worse.
It freaked me out badly. One of my clients is an assisted living facility for dementia patients. When I would visit the site, I often stayed if it was the end of the day and I had only an hour to go before it was time to go home. They had a piano in the lobby and I would sit and play for awhile. Two things happened: I couldn't remember songs that I had known by heart for 20 years (I was classically trained from ages 6-18) AND I saw residents who were YOUNG---in their 50's! who had memory loss issues. It was horrifying.
I went home and as usual, had run short for the month. BUT I had enough left to keep me from full blown withdrawals. I had been in that situation a zillion times. But this was different. I was, literally, losing my mind. And so I just jumped (well, after trying to wean for 3 days; which was a waste of time for me.)
Sorry for such a long-winded reply. Ive seen you come on here before, and then go away. Whatever you've done in the past to try and quit obviously doesn't work. Why not try a new way? Have you ever gone to an N/A meeting?
When we can't do this on our own (and most people, IMO, cannot) we need to rely on other, sober, people to get us through each day without using. That is what 12-step meetings can do for you. Keep you sober 24 hours at a time, and give you a chance to talk, listen, and learn a blueprint for how to live without drugs.
Hope any of this helped. Please don't go away...stick around here. No judgments.
I know everyone's rock bottom is different. For me it was the fact that I had to lie and steal to obtain my pills, when that no longer worked, I decided it was time to quit. I wasn't ready, I just had no access to pills anymore. Financially I was ruined, and when I did become sober, all the lies I had told, all the stealing I did, I had to face all of it head on. It wasn't easy looking my dad in the eyes and apologizing for stealing his pills, and money. To this very day I still feel horrible about that. I don't regret the choice I made to get clean, I just regret not doing it sooner. Sorry for rambling, I wish you luck, keep fighting!!
It's simply black and white. You cannot take the pills you ingest and have the life they make you FEEL that you can have.
Your brain will constantly 'talk' to you about these pills. What's the plan today? How will things be different 'this time' with your pills at hand. The promises you make about how many you will take,..you get the drift Drake.
And then when your about to run out, what's your mind saying then Drake?
You see because your brain no longer cares about having fun, shopping, eating, the things we value.
All your brain cares about first and foremost is these pills.
Your brain will constantly 'talk' to you about these pills. What's the plan today? How will things be different 'this time' with your pills at hand. The promises you make about how many you will take,..you get the drift Drake.
And then when your about to run out, what's your mind saying then Drake?
You see because your brain no longer cares about having fun, shopping, eating, the things we value.
All your brain cares about first and foremost is these pills.
Oh yeah, if the only reason you take less is access, give it time, there will be enough to kill you available at some point. I remember the waves of access, horrible, horrible times.
It's sounds bad, but it's nowhere as bad as it can get for you. I had to prove that to myself, which I don't suggest. It took me wallowing on the floor fighting to breath, kids thinking I'd be dead in the morning, and my wife being willing to let me die, since I couldn't seem to figure it out. My wife warned me, she said she would never give me CPR.....again. Luckily I saved myself as my family waited for me to die. That's the hardest it got for me. Just believe what we say, You WILL get worse or you WILL get better. Addiction never rests and never stays still.
Not wanting to quit is normal, who wants to detox? That's crazy, we just want to feel good again. That is your decision, and honestly, there is little we can do to help, until you make that decision. What do you have to lose by quitting, what do you have to gain? I don't miss pills, that's for sure, especially upon waking.
You been to a 12 step meeting lately, therapy, anything?
Not wanting to quit is normal, who wants to detox? That's crazy, we just want to feel good again. That is your decision, and honestly, there is little we can do to help, until you make that decision. What do you have to lose by quitting, what do you have to gain? I don't miss pills, that's for sure, especially upon waking.
You been to a 12 step meeting lately, therapy, anything?
Drake, your going around in circles with your thinking. It's like your living in your head. While you continue to decide to take a pill you are going to struggle to make sense. Make the decision to stop, use the resources you have. You will lose everything.
That's often something I ask myself and idk howbto answer thats how I feel now I feel bad on em it's not even enjoyable its just to get by and worse without em... But in my mind of course its there when something goes wrong.. Or right even.. What will it take for me to get there??? Hmm that's something I ask myself everyday when I wake up... But honestly idk what it will take. I went out to town to my sisters, to detox and two days after coming home boom I fell back into it because I knew It was there. I just feel stuck everyday is a struggle I use nothing like I use too because I don't have access to that much after I cut em off last time but now its literally day to day struggle just to get that one more just to feel okay for now. Kills me thinking everyday I fall down and drown in this... It takes time to get clean but only a moment to die and not even that makes me realize how brutal this is. Idk !
Drake- you wrote:
"I need to but I don't want to." That says it all. When you want to stop despite the inconvenience of feeling like sh!t, then nothing will stop you. What will it take for you to get there?
"I need to but I don't want to." That says it all. When you want to stop despite the inconvenience of feeling like sh!t, then nothing will stop you. What will it take for you to get there?
I had to weigh my quality of life in the balance. I have pain, emotional and physical. I have problems, mental and physical. I realized a valuable thing, "I am not happy on drugs." I had nothing to lose really. Now, my detox was really long, it took me 2 years to feel okay after quitting high dose street methadone. But I had, in a moment of clarity, recognized the drugs weren't working. I felt bad if I took them, worse if I didn't. That's why I had to get into aftercare, CBT, 12 step, physical therapy, acupressure, addiction classes, fine tune my diet, all kinds of things replaced my drug use, not just stopping. So, I honestly didn't believe I'd ever feel good, especially after a year and I was still telling pretty unhappy. My accountability, my aftercare kept reminding that I was wrong, that it takes work and endurance and we all recover and none of us regret it, eventually. That is when I decided I had to find things in my life more important than feeling good. As I focused on those things, it eventually started to feel good. This last year has been better than any of my drug years, especially the last 5 or so. I ask this a lot, what inspires you? What is more important to you than feeling good? The answer to those questions help me still, and probably will for the rest of my days. You quit for a week, but quitting is not recovery, it is the first step in a while new lifestyle and change in thinking and feeling. What kind of aftercare recovery do YOU feel drawn to? I had to try it all, none of it sounded good, but some get lucky and the first thing they try works, what say ye? What have or will you try to get off pain killers?
It's been so long I was clean only for a lil over a week and as soon as I got clean I got told I has a tumor that had to get removed it was 5 pounds literally and so then once again pain meds took over and I just can't seem to break ... I need to but I don't want to. Nothing is happy anymore. Its been along road and i just wanna cross this bridge already but as soon as I think I want i feel weaker then ever and have no power over myself so I just get one more
Rock bottom is an emotional state, when one surrenders to the realization that one is willing to do anything, I mean anything to be free. It could be triggered by spilling wine on a new white rug, or it could be a respiratory arrest or jail, the events are not important, but the surrender they inspire is. It is described that one reaches a point at which the desire to quit finally triumphs over the desire to use. No body wants to quit, the great obsession of all addicts is to use like "normal" people do. Eventually, it becomes overwhelmingly obvious one must quit to survive, either that last respiratory arrest was gonna be my bottom, or 6 ft under was gonna be it for me. Bottom is when we are willing to do what it takes, no matter how it feels for how long, because that is what it takes.
Great to see you post on forum Drake!
You've been through a lot, how about you share? You can do this!
You've been through a lot, how about you share? You can do this!
Rock bottom for me was looking in the mirror and just knowing I was so tired of worrying about my next pill and how many I had and when I could get more from the Dr. and Where in the heck was my bottle of pills.
No real friends, no real problems, just not a lot of real anything anywhere!!!
Rock bottom is different for everyone.
Commit 100% and you can make this journey!!! And we are here to help.
No real friends, no real problems, just not a lot of real anything anywhere!!!
Rock bottom is different for everyone.
Commit 100% and you can make this journey!!! And we are here to help.
Everyone has a different rock bottom. I hadn't lost family, my house, or vehicle... yet. I was spending all my families money on pills. I couldn't buy gas without a credit card, I was stealing pills, and meeting unknown criminals to get meds.
THIS was my rock bottom...that was not me....You don't have to be homeless , broke, and lonely to be at rock bottom.
If you think you are headed that way STOP now. What is your drug of choice, length of use and amount of use?
THIS was my rock bottom...that was not me....You don't have to be homeless , broke, and lonely to be at rock bottom.
If you think you are headed that way STOP now. What is your drug of choice, length of use and amount of use?
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