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9518579 tn?1408019480

whos out there w/ding with me?

8 days clean off of methadone 105mg tapered down to 45mg...went thru the first 5days in a detox.(thats all they could hold me for) last 2 days they gave me 4 doses of subutex 4mg 4mg 2mg 2mg then said ur good to go RIIIGGHHT. the first day out i felt ok then the next morning I felt pretty good, and then it crept up on me like a assassin. first the anxiety and heart pounding then the aches of bones and joints. there was a point it was so bad i forced myself to sit still and accept the pain just kinda welcomed it in my body then my feet kinda just went numb with a vibrating sensation. lasted about 15mins then had to get up and walk around. and oh my the head games are worse than i ever thought its like my brain is so fing confused and i have no control over it, i get really angry sometimes like i wish this disease could manifest itself in a physical form so i can beat the **** out of it. but all in all im doing ok 8days in and running the road of recovery never to look back at the drugs chasing me. MH and the people here have givin me so much support and kindness it has really helped me a lot so i just wanted to try and give some back. keep posting for support. together we can beat this, KEEPING THE FAITH.......
Best Answer
Avatar universal
My first 6 months off methadone, I wished I was in a rehab or some safe environment where my only responsibility was to work my aftercare. I think this is a great idea. I felt horrible ignoring my family to go to meetings daily, going to therapy, working out, my whole life was recovery. My wife even expressed some jealousy of my new friends, I was spending more time with recovery people than her. Jump in with both feet and never look back.
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8552937 tn?1398781959
Hi josh, its Kristie... Sorry my story was so long but felt like talking that night ( lol) ...I'm sorry I didn't write back,I lost my best friend and my grandma in the same day...wow its been a thof lately... I will finish it soon OK...keep u the good work my dear friend... Kristie
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1656987798
Josh this update makes me heart so glad. You have done amazing.
You are moving forward and healing by leaps and bounds.
You positive attitude, your commitment to your recovery, and your faith has gotten you here. Keep on keepin on.
You are a true inspiration to those who come after you.
Continued blessings,
Debbie
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Avatar universal
This is AMAZING to hear! I have almost 7 months clean and over a year off opiates Yesterday i hit 2 meetings and I spoke for h&i I was terrified, chase your recovery like you did dope, keep walking forward and dont use no matter how bad it gets because feeling pass
congrats again on 46 days thats a miracle <3
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9518579 tn?1408019480
Hello just checking in at 46days clean...feels good to be 46 days clean....I feel calm...not so anxious anymore Im actually getting some descent clean sleep, all because im turning the negative energy into positive enegy..when u think about it we as addicts would  go toany length to get our drugs and when we get clean its just a matter of putting a higher power other than drugs being your higher power and turn our negative energy into positive energy towards good behaviors...I can say that things ARE getting better I got a job not my profession but its a job and can still hit ma meetings....so im glad to be here glad to be clean :-)  love you all and thanks again for helping me thru some of my darkest times the light is starting to shine through....
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9518579 tn?1408019480
I see now to overcome our darkness we just need to surrender to our higher powerpower, and the greatest trick the devil has done is to convince us he is not real....
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Avatar universal
It  by the healing power of Jesus Christ that I am healed.........Gnarly
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9518579 tn?1408019480
Thank you....=)
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Avatar universal
So true..... and remember this                                       Romans 8:18   I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us,
Galatians 5:1.    
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free, stand firm, then, do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery

Galatians 5:15
live by the Spirit and ou will not gratify the desires of your sinful nature.For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit and the spirit contrary to the sinful nature.They are in conflict with each other......( continue reading the book of Galatians for yourself ) very powerful:)

Gods word is mighty to tear down strongholds.. keep the faith brother. Dig deep
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4810126 tn?1503942735
YES! -- Bravo to you on your 1st Month! Long may you run Clean, Clear & Contented. You're on your way & what a brilliant beginning you've made. Proud of you :)
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9518579 tn?1408019480
And ty 30 days clean I feel proud as I should be except in my moment of a small relapse that was a lesson learned. I am greatful to be here and blessed to know the difference.
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9518579 tn?1408019480
God my higher power thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven....he is revealing his love to me in my many blessings that I did not see at the time of my darkness. We find ourselves without his love because he gave us free will...to love or not to love..all god asks us to do is love one another as he loved us...do we do this now in thiis world of darkness that we have created....in the material things we precious most...to have money most people think that is happiness...I see happiness in my family in my brothers and sisters who have very little but fill themselves with joy just by helping others just by reaching out to them...imagine a world where money does not rule but we all help one another for a common goal or belief in something greater than ourselves...it would be heaven...crush my pride he has done I am blessed to have my eyes and heart open and see what true love is...now I only have to keep my faith that we all can recognise this and the rest will be revealed in time. God my higher power revealed this to me in the love of my children and wife, and myself...even in my darkest hrs he has always been there for me I just didnt recognize this but he was there...I am changing and I feel god has a greater purpose for me and in time I will findn myself happy and humble....this world is in spiritual chaos but u dont have to be in chaos with it u just need to surrender and let love guide u...
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8976007 tn?1413330650
so proud of you Josh and you are at day 30 not day 1.  you are doing an amazing job.  you slipped with weed.  not great, but certainly not methodone or any other opiate.  you immediately realized what you were doing and stopped.  it doesn't take away with all you have done.
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1926359 tn?1331588139
Hi Josh-

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing at your very exciting 30 day mark?  Wooohooo!
I hope you are out celebrating with your family. You deserve it.
So proud of you.
Hugs,
Lu
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9518579 tn?1408019480
Doing ok just busy keeping out of my head trying to put the past behind me and enjoying my family...30 days tomorrow except for my lil bump
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4810126 tn?1503942735
Beautiful post about a beautiful moment, Josh. Glad you're living life & feeling it. Kids see everything! (I know I did about my Dad. We had a very similar moment about his drinking & womanizing when I was 10 or 11. I'll never forget it as it meant the world to me). May the healing continue. :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HEY Dude how goes it???? haven't seen you post for a wile and just wanted to check up and see how you are I got to go to my home group tonight at 6 Arizona time I will check back later and just remember your betting  this thing one day at a time.......Gnarly
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1235186 tn?1656987798
thank GOD for the moments of clarity, for the precious gift - called life,
for the innocence, love, sweet words and compassion of our children,
for tears,feelings,emotions, for GOD revealing HIMSELF to us.
hold on to and cherish each and every one of these times,
they are so precious.

you have been given a new and fresh start at life my friend.
live it to the fullest, clean and sober, you have alot more living to do.

so many blessings, HIS grace and mercies are new each morning.
keep up the awesome work,
it will keep on getting better,
much love,
Debbie
Helpful - 0
9518579 tn?1408019480
What a moment of clarity....I was in my bedroom sitting Indian style reading and in comes my 11 year old daughter...she says daddy are u ok?? I looked at her and said im fine love. Why do you ask? And she says because you are always reading and you look sad...I said jump up here with me for a moment. I told her that I have been in a bad place for a long time and was sick...and now u may see me like this just know I am getting better...and she says I can tell u dont fall asleep like you used to all the time...tears started to swell up but held them back and she says its ok daddy u can cry...then I gave her a big hug and she got off the bed and said im going to make u a snack I laughed and said I would love that...just was amazing to see a 11year old with that much compassion...I truely have a gift from god...thats why im still here thsats why I lived thru 8 car accidents and all the other things I did when I was using...my eyes are opened wide with the willingness to change me no matter how scared or unsure I get change will happen and the man I am supposed to be will emerge...god is revealing himself to me....
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1926359 tn?1331588139
Ok a bump as Gnarly said.  It's crazy to me that people use marijuana and don't consider it a drug.  I've done my fair share of recreational drugs in my youth and pot ALWAYS makes me feel high.  When I went off the opiates the first time I was prescribed it for pain.  I felt way more altered on it than I did on the opiates and it also made me paranoid and depressed.  So yeah, stay away from it.  I could not put ANY mind altering substance in my body for over a year after getting clean.  Part of that was fear of cross addiction (even though I'd never abused another substance other than cigarettes) and part of it was that I knew I need to be CLEAR to work recovery.  After a lot of hard work I went back to drinking the odd glass of wine with dinner.  I never in my life want to feel high or drunk- EVER.  I love my clarity.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  This is just ME.  I know many addicts who cannot touch any substance.  They will always end up abusing it.  Plus, we have to be aware every time we put ANYTHING in our body, why we are doing it.  If we're trying to fill a void or avoid something that needs to be dealt with and talked about.  Addicts crave escape.  But there is no escape from ourselves.  We must sit in our sh*t in order to take responsibility for our lives and our emotions.  Sometimes it ain't pretty, but it is always worth it.  KNOW THYSELF.
So just brush yourself off and get back to your meetings.  I can tell by how you write your posts that you are truly ready to surrender and humble yourself fully in order to walk a path of true recovery.
I'm so proud of you Josh.  I am so loving watching your journey unfold.
xo
Lu
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4810126 tn?1503942735
Hey Josh :)

You're doing great! We learn through experience, no way around it. Sounds to me like you did some serious thinking & feeling & came to the right conclusion for you. Go with your gut, it won't steer you wrong. Good luck @ your meeting. :)
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Avatar universal
Hi Josh good to see you....so you hit a bump in the road to recovery I know I did.. you dont loose the war as long as your willing to keep fighting try not to get discouraged your realized this quickly and after you been around the fellowship you will realize it is not about the drugs we use.. the disease is about the very way we think  if it works for a old dope fiend like me I know it will work for you so ''today I wont use no mater what''.. and im confident you wont after a lesson learned
..................................................Gnarly.......................................
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9518579 tn?1408019480
Relapse??? I know now I am powerless to my disease of addiction to all mood altering substances. . Including marijuana. Found that out last nite...just know that was and will be my last time. And how I found this out was because when that bowl met my lips with fire and I inhaled and when I exhaled the false gratification came over me...and in that moment I realized im powerless to any mood altering substances...this was hard for me feeling powerless...and after 28 days I know this now, poowerless I surrender to this and know if I use my disease my allergy to drugs will cause me and the people I love great pain...even if it is weed. Why do they call it dope....dope....im finding my way thru this and my feet are still running the road to recovery...I hit a wall yesterday but managed to push and break thru it...now today I am going to my home grp and will have to confess to my burning desire I had last nite...and so for today I am 1 day clean except paxil and nicotine...I will be free one day at a time
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9518579 tn?1408019480
Ty for sharing your story so far....I look forward to the rest. Let it all out...
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8552937 tn?1398781959
I think your name is Josh, hi I'm Kristie I read all your post and everybody's that wrote you man I've laughed,cryed, got chill bumbs, WOW it was like I was reading a book but real.I just wanted to tell you my story about them evil methodones  if I may..when I came out of the hospital after being on morphen for so long they gave me methodone  to help with the withdraws from the morphin drip! ( please accuse my spelling I'm dislexed I spell words like I say them ) hope u can figure out my writing!!! LOL, okay anyway I was 31 years old when I had my mortercycle wreck in 2003 like I said evil to get off another evil.... That's what I'm going to call them in my story OK...also remember I have never taking a painkiller in my life , actually I never heard or seen or knew anyone that took them,at this time in my life I just left my husband of 11 years found him f------- my best friend for over two years...that's another whole story... Anyway had two kids by him they were 8 and 5 at this time,I left the day after Christmas.... I found out to weeks before I stayed cause I didn't want to wernin there Christmas... That was a long two weeks, anyway 6 months later I had that  mortercyle wreck and my husband just canceled my health insurance two weeks before my wreck... Okay I'm home from the hospital road rash from head to toe and broke tail bone over 200 stitches in my face and over 200 from the top of my crack to my private... Thank god I wore my boots that day I had on flip flops I changed right before I left doctor said those boots saved my foot,sorry I keep getting off my point but I want to paint a picture of were and when I was at this time of my life, okay I'm home I take my first evil ( methodone) I was laying on my couch I looked down at my shirt and it was  big wet spot I looked up at my ceiling to see if I had a lick cause it was raining, and no lick...( you know what it was yet? ) it was coming out of my mouth I was druling  omg so I changed my shirt and though away the evil things,,,,, like I said I didn't know what they were,,,,if I knew what I know now I would had sold them bad boys... Lol okay I go to my doctor visit to get my bandaches changed which was every other day....the doc asked me was my pain meds working I told him I throw them away cause they made me fell drunk,so he wrote me for some vicodon, OK here we go...remember I've been on pain meds for 11  years. So I was on them for about 6 months still couldn't go back to work,,,,,,then doc put me on tramodol  man I loved them, was on them for a year....until I fell at a bar at 2 am last call for alcohol that's when I trippped on a handicap ramp! People was trying to get me up! I knew something want right I reached over with my letf hand and felt my right shoulder and I felt a bone sticking out my back of my shoulder and blood all over my hand, the bartender called 911 I WS drinking wild turkey 101 proof and Dr pepper will never forget that and I was the disanaer driver! Neatless to say I road in the ambulance, they asked me what was my pain level from 1 to 10, 10 would be like getting my leg cutt off he said. I said probably a 2 concerting what I've already been though. That was the turkey talking lol, so we made it to the hospital we were waiting for a doctor to come see me a hour or so goes buy and I'm starting to feel pain,my turkey was wearing off,omg i started yelling its a 10 it's a 10 ( my pain level ) they finally brought me two hydro 10s, ER people don't like drunks coming to the emergce room at 3 in the morning,lol plus the people I was sopoise to carry home followed the ambulance and was behind the certin with me so like 10 drunks!! We were pretty loud. Finally the doctor came he was trying to put a sling on me omg everytime he moved my arm I yelled ,he said his three year old broke his collar bone and he was up running around the next day! I said I'm not three years old plus its not my collar bone that's broke there's a bone coming out of my bank !!!!!! Sorry I got to stop writing for a few min. I'll come back and finish OK.
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