will i EVER be able to stay clean?

[y_not]

Hi everyone! I'm just wondering about something. I'm a recovering heroin addict. Was an addict for 3 years. Before then, I didnt do ANY drugs but this really has a hold on me. I've been clean off heroin for 8 months and on suboxone. I recently got kicked off the program due to an altercation with a nurse. I tapered so the physical part wasnt so bad and i thought i was ready mentally but i am not! im currently taking painkillers which i really dont like but they kindof help the cravings a little. The only reason I havnt yet relapsed on H is because, honestly i dont know where t get it in this ****** country town. however... i am very familiar with my addict mind and i know that if i cant get this under control soon... i will find a way. i really dont want to go back to it because i f#@* everything up when im on it. on the other hand, im quite depressed, sometimes think of suicide so i feel like "screw it"..... will these slip ups and relapses ever end?!

[kyle505]

I'm sure that you're aware, but if you've been cutting back or are faced with the threat of less meds, your emotions will go crazy. The drama around every single situation will increase. And the anxiety will be off the charts, but, most of it is being caused by your body reacting to withdrawals, or the thought of withdrawal. I can't understand why your boyfriend is reacting the way he is, unless he's afraid that supporting you may undermine his recovery, somehow.
Relapse is never an alternative, but unfortunately it is a very real part of addiction. I hope you don't go down that road, because if you do, at some point in the future you'll be right back here. AND, the older you get, the worse detox is.
K

[y_not]

Wow, everyone has really great advice & I appreciate the realness. I do have to agree that suboxone somewhat hinders TRUE recovery. My emotional issues were not in the forefront of my mind while i was taking it but now there is SOOO much going on in the brainbox.. with the various chemical imbalance ilnesses and 3 years of not addressing ANYTHING.. its too much. When i was kicked out of the program, i was also banned from the meetings and unfortunately, NA groups are sparse & I no longer have transportation. Now I'm stuck in this completely alone. My "boyfriend" who was a heroin addict for 13 years(clean now), to my surprise, is absolutely in NO way helpful, supportive, or understanding... acts as if hes never been through this! I know that elapse will in the end make everything worse but there is a part of me that does not want to deal with myself. I'm my own worst enemy! UGH

[kyle505]

No matter what your DOC, or how badly you feel at any given moment, it all boils down to you really wanting to stop, and then doing it. Saying that you'd get another hit but you don't know where to go is counter to your getting in to recovery. I agree with Acting - one of the very first things to do is get in to some sort of aftercare. NA meetings would be great. In NA you are surrounded by addicts; people who've been there, done that. They are supportive but won't buy any lies or BS. Once you've found a group that you're comfortable with, then get a sponsor. You've been at this a long time. You've put a lot of crap in your body, and now it seems like you're starting to realize the importance of living a clean life, but your head is still in control.
I wish you only the best, but really, in the long run it is all up to you.
k

[jugglin]

You have been given some wise words from some very wise people. You are worth fighting for...believe that. Fight for your freedom from the drugs that keep you in chains.  Stick around here and feel free to ask questions. We may have had different drugs of choice, different life journeys, but we are all addicts.  Some of us still working to be clean, some of us in our infancy of being clean, and others with crazy huge amounts of clean time.  All here to offer support and encouragement!

[ActingBrandNew]

Look...I mean what I'm about to say with the most sincerity. PLEASE do not take it the wrong way because I only mean well. I am an ex heroin addict. Been shooting it since I was a teenager...while other kids went to prom...I went to the connects house. I only tell you this so you know I can relate.

I think Suboxone is an awful drug in itself. Ive seen countless people switch from heroin to subs and either stay on subs for years or when they are forced to get off the subs...they go back to heroin. All addicts of emotional issues that we have to deal with in order to stay clean. We do that through various recovery programs. I personally think that Subs dont allow addicts to fully address those emotional issues while there on them. Thats just my opinion from observation. Real recovery comes from hard work and hard fought battles. Its not easy....if it was that easy everybody would be clean.

One of the things that helps me stay clean is remembering the awful feeling of detox I had. The withdrawals were horrible and I remember how they felt to this day...4 years later. Those thoughts along with the hard work through aftercare have helped motivate me to stay clean.

You can get and stay clean. You just have to do the work.

[ROSYouralright]

I read your story in your user group! You have been through alot for sure! You CAN quit and get past this... You have to really WANT this!

[gnarly_1]

hi and welcome to the forum....so it sounds  like you have been able to detox but that is only a small part of it  it is not the heroin or pills it is the addict in you that is still alive and well...as it stand for me as well as most of the people that come threw here you have to address the addiction and addictive brain... addiction is a deiase and there is no cure ...it is however  treatable with a program of recovery ...N/a offers a way to treat the whole thing it will help you change the very way you think. the only way you cant do it right is by trying to do it by yourself at the meeting you will be greeted with a hug and will no longer be alone trying to do this ''with a addict to my right and left we rarely fall'' you do have to work on your recovery but it is doable and N/A has doneit for me.. the program teaches you to face life on lifes terms ...without a program of recovery as my sponsor puts it your F @#$ed....give it a try you have nothing to loose and a new exciting life free from drug  it is always up to you but you never got to pick up again..hope this helps..............Gnarly  

[Livenbfree]

The slip ups and relapses can end it all depends how badly you want to stop. It sounds like you may be more depressed than usual because possibly your still w/d from the suboxone, you kind of went through a rapid detox and may be feeling bad because of it. For me H and opiates have been a long battle but 6 months ago I retired them from my life with the help of this web site. You can stop to its all doable, hang tough and try reaching out for as much help as you can.