Addiction and Anti Depressants

[Simoe1]

Hi there people
I am a male 31 yo. I have a partner and 2 daughters. I have been abusing drugs and alcohol on and off since I was 11. My drug use is starting to rise again. I can stop but have no idea how to be happy without it. I have tried Na and AA and have seen a shrink yet I just cant get it.
My partner has told me enough is enough and is ready to leave. I have a great career loving family and friends but I struggle not too want too drink and drug to excessive levels.(i have not drank since December but have been using cocaine,extasy and Mariajuana) Its only happening once or twice a fortnight but im sure if I could find a way to do more I would.My diet,smoking cigarettes and generally just not caring for my body are all things that are starting to make me feel guilty and I guess make me feel flat and ****.
I have booked a appointment with a hypnotist Pyscologist and have a business coach that trys to help but I am craving for knowledge.
Why do I do this?
Why do the same tapes persist in playing in playing in my head?
I love love love abusing my body.
I can talk for hours about my problems but I dont want to have a pity party I want some good honest advice and friendship from people who are in a similar position.
I am a skateboarder and have been for the last 17 years. Skateboarding culture love their drink and drug.
I am also on Cymbalta Anti Depressant meds for depression and anxiety.
Thanks
Simoe

[Lenevan]

I just felt like responding to let you know u r not alone.I have been "sober" for two and a half years.but I hate it.I am extremely depressed and I've tried every class of antidepressants out there.I am doing all the "right" things, working trying to build a career, having a good relationship, seeing my kids when I can.The only reason I'm clean is that I have no choice, no money or access. I feel for u but I have no answers.Just wanted u to know u r not alone.

[J T Junig, MD PhD]

I can share my opinion, for what it is worth-- but it is just my opinion.... People who seek 'happiness' rarely find it. Happiness occurs when we are doing something that we may not even associate with happiness.  For example, many people find ‘happiness’ through work.   Some people make the mistake of seeing an occasional smiling face, and then assuming that others are ‘happy.’  Frankly, happiness is rare for most people.  Life is filled with negative emotions—fear, shame, guilt, anger—and every now and then, if we don’t demand it, we will feel happy.  But if a person wants to look ‘inward’ and for happiness, I doubt that it would be there.

Similarly, for sobriety—people find sobriety when they NEED it—not when it is something that is optional.  You seem to be acting as if you can choose—saying that you will be sober, but only if you can be happy too.  We don’t get to decide such things;  we have no such ‘bargaining power!’  First, we are clean because we realize that we need to be clean;  that a life of using is simply not a life.  Once we are clean, we have to learn to tolerate all of the feelings that we used to medicate away- ALL of the feelings, including ones that we don’t want to feel.

After living clean and tolerating life—‘life on life’s terms’ as they say in AA—we MIGHT be rewarded with a moment of happiness.  But we might not.  We might have to do a few other things before we can be happy, such as work a hard day’s labor, or challenge our minds to learn new things.  For most of us, our minds are harsh critics;  happiness won’t come unless we know, deep inside, that we are deserving of it.