Avatar universal

both children adopted, didnt get any info on my second childs parents

My first child was adopted after 2 years of seeing me and ive gotten lots of information on him both parents names I just don't know a last name I have been very honestly that I wouldn't look for them or want to be to involved just pictures a letter on how they are doing .... I filled papers out on how excited I was to have him lots of info for him to read when he's aloud ... my second I gave no info on how it was pregnant with him how I picked a name ... nothing for him to get when he's old enough and I feel cas wrote there own stuff and it isn't straight from me ... I don't know names of the parents nothing ... they are closed adoptions but is there literally nothing they can tell me ... ?
5 Responses
560091 tn?1437051032
Did you do your adoption through an agency if so you may contact them for information.. In closed adoptions there usually is no contact.. Who requested it be closed??
134578 tn?1614729226
I believe there are places where you can file info for the child to have in the future even if you had a closed adoption.  The agency should know.  
Avatar universal
The agency chose closed adoption and that's all I want is a name last names don't matter I've given them my honest words that I just want something for my own self so I feel OK and for the future ...
560091 tn?1437051032
In the instance you aren't able to find out the name , have you thought of getting in touch with a counselor to help you through this ?
Seeing someone isn't a shameful thing... Before I adopted I saw a counselor to help me through my feelings.

Good Luck to you!
480448 tn?1426948538
Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry you're hurting and struggling with this.  The agency involved with the adoption should have explained the difference between open and closed adoption.  In a closed adoption, both parties have no right to know identifying information of the other.   That doesn't mean that you couldn't still get letters and such to the child.

I agree with contacting the agency.  They may be able to broker an arrangement with the adoptive family, where you can send letters/communications to the child THROUGH the agency.  You won't be permitted to have direct contact with them, unless they would agree to it, which I wouldn't think would be a possibility if they preferred a closed adoption.  Contact may also (most likely) not include any identifying info for you (like address, last name, etc).  

Definitely work with the agency and see what they can do for you.  Just be patient, and keep in mind that you may not really be happy with the final outcome.  Try to prepare yourself for the possibility that contact of any kind just may not be an option.  You can certainly try, and I hope you are successful in figuring something out.  Most people are reasonable enough that they would allow letters to be sent occasionally.

It would probably depend on the context of the letters too.  If you're writing letters stating how much you miss the child, or anything indicating that you're not confident in your choice to place him for adoption, the a-parents probably wouldn't choose to share those with the child, as it would be confusing and maybe even upsetting.  If you do get to send letters through the agency, I would recommend just keeping them mostly informative.  An adoptive child will wonder about the history and background of the bio family.  Factual, informative letters would be of great interest to an adoptee.

Legally, there isn't much you can do, but again, the agency would be the way to go.  Hopefully the a-parents will at least permit communication from you to the child.  I know also, in closed adoption situations, notations can be made in the child's file, so that when he/she becomes 18, and if they would decide to search for you or initiate contact, the info would be right in the file that the bio parent(s) are interested in contact.  In that case, make sure that if you ever move, etc...that you call the agency and ask that the file be updated.  

I would also recommend some therapy hon, to help you work through all of these emotions.  I'm sure it's very hard.  It's important to find a way to reach closure, so you can go on with your life, knowing you made such a selfless, amazing choice...putting your child first.

Lastly, you've had two children that you've ended up placing for adoption (God love you), I don't know if you're using birth control or not, but that's something to really think about.  If you're not, then I would encourage you to talk to your doctor (or a planned parenthood type of clinic) about your BC options.  You wouldn't want to have to be faced with such a tough decision again.  

Very best to you sweetie!

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