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Avatar universal

Transitioning

I feel stuck at age 18.  I am somewhat older now.  I was diagnosed with bpd several years ago.
If one has early childhood issues, do they need to be integrated before one can move on and become a healthy, functional adult?
I guess I just wonder how one can 'transition' when there feels like an abyss in between.
Writing it out it seems like another example of primitive thinking.  Very black and white, with no gray.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Additional Info:  I have not been in therapy for 18 months.  I see my GP weekly.  An old T said I am stuck in the anal phase although we predominantly spoke about the oral.  Currently I feel numb and withdrawn.  I expect this defends against extreme stress/ anxiety and fragmentation.

Thanks for your time.
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Avatar universal
Hi.  Thanks for your response.  I too am with the other members in saying that this is an excellent resource and we value and appreciate your expertize.

By integrated I was referring to the integration of both good and bad splits.
I am not hugely familiar with object relations but perhaps I am referring to the integration of self-object dyads.  ??

I guess more specifically I was asking how I could fix myself.  Assuming that I am broken (which I feel I am) and that I can be fixed.

Treatment history?  Probably the history is less important than the expectation.  The expectation was that I submit (be a compliant little patient) and take medication.
The history is somewhat confused and complicated.

I think I struggle with the issue of instability and responsibility.  I think I had a tendency to take all the responsibility for the situation (the ineffective treatment) which left me feeling increasingly hopeless and helpless.  I feel confused at having been referred to a service that is unable (unwilling) to take responsibility for creating stability.  As I see it, I need to be stable before I can be in treatment. which to me doesn't make sense.  If I were stable then I wouldn't need therapy or support.
Does that answer your question about treatment history?  Probably not but I expect you can see the pattern.  An unstable patient and a ?dysfunctional (and under-resourced) service.

The treatment has been acknowledged to reinforce the pathology.

Currently I have limited flexibility.  I am extremely selective about who I will see due to my past history and current presenting problems.  I have become extremely defensive (?unwell) and are very resistant to interventions.  Lack of trust and confidence in the system has become a big issue.
I also have limited flexibility regarding who I am able to see within the mhs.  As patients we're assigned a T based on where we live.  I think the service has tried to be a little accommodating but due to it's nature has been unable to provide adequate support.  Generally people will be referred to another hospital for treatment but for some reason the psych services are reluctant to do that and for some reason more reluctant to do it for me.  I think that may have something to do with them wanting to give me ect when I was depressed but (me and my family) fighting the decision in court with me being discharged off the mental health act.  I also feel like they feel like they have failed.  They haven't liked having their limitations exposed.

I can feel my anger when I write about the service.  They have hurt me a lot by their actions and at times inactions.

Maybe that is the answer to the question.
The object relations dyad is a representation of the self connected to a representation of the object.  (Material from Kernberg.)
So perhaps understanding the emotional experiences of self and other during early development will facilitate integration.  ??  I don't know.  It's too complicated.

My T drew this diagram for me.

Internal world                      l  Defense Mechanisms  l        world
________
l       o  o   l     ----------->      l   -binge eating              l   ---->
l 0   o   0   l                        l   -avoidance                  l          O
l_________l    <---------         l  -splitting, etc               l   <---

The box (I'm not very computer literate -sorry) around the fragmented parts is the therapeutic frame.  I don't know if this will make sense to you or not.
Maybe I don't need to integrate the parts but can instead look at ways to contain them.  At least until I can work through my issues again in therapy.

Maybe by using this strategy I can get from A (broken) to B (fixed)??

More than anything I think this has just shown me how mixed up and fragmented I actually am.
I'll pursue the therapy issue with my GP.  Hopefully we'll be able to resolve it before too much longer.  (Meaning I expect it will take many more months.)

Thanks for your extreme patience.
I see how well you're grounded when you write compared to my ?dribble.
Helpful - 0
505460 tn?1221237085
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi there,

First, I wanted to return to your initial question, whether someone has to be "integrated" in order to move on and become a healthy, functional adult.  What do you mean by integrated?  Regardless, you seem aware of the many issues you continue to grapple with, and that theoretically, a therapist would be of help.   I am a little confused by your treatment history, which in itself speaks to an instability that I imagine has left you less than enamored with the mental health system.  I don't know to what degree you have flexibility regarding who you see, but it seems that if you are willing to take another chance with treatment, that one of your top priorities should be to find someone who you can trust to "be there" with you in order for you to feel safe enough to deal with the issues you've described on more than on just an intellectual level.
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Avatar universal
That's to bad. I bet it would have been good what you origally wrote. It's to bad you get exsaused fro writing. I don't know what I would do if that was me since I love to write so much. It was proably an error or something. Maybe tomorrow you can write some of it agian if you feel up to it. Now I'm bummed. I bet you had some great comments on what I said.
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Avatar universal
I just lost my entire response to your post.
Perhaps I was just not meant to send it??

Sometimes I wonder if it is a depressive transference versus just depression.  I don't know.
I find writing and thinking exhausting.
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Avatar universal
It's to bad that the T seems to make it worse. Maybe you just haven't found the right T yet. Maybe you'll find someone who can help you. It really isn't my place to tell you to go or not. I just suggest. My mom feels like it didn't help her either. I'm not really sure if it helps me. I guess I am ok with it cuz I have someone to talk to. Many people that go to my phych docs office say he's a really good doctor, but maybe but I know that everyone makes mistakes. I mean maybe he's right and I am bipolar. I don't know. He told me my mood swing is anger instead of mania, but there is one problem. Even if I go into anger I don't stop being depressed. I don't stop thinking about negative feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. It doesn't stop just because I get mad. I haven't really had to much of an anger problem until the last 2 years. Well actually it's 3 years now this month. I'm not saying that I didn't get angry before that but not like I do now. Any little thing ticks me off. And it's probably because I have so  much anger toward the few people who i loved and trusted. People who turned out to not really care what was best interest for me. Others used me. And I was to stupid to see it. So yes I'm mad. All the time. They ruined my life. I haven't been the same since. As for being bipolar maybe. I am really into emotional health stuff. So I'm the type of person to browse the web and look up a bunch of stuff. I admit I sometimes have taken some online tests. I know it is not an offical diagnosis but I haven't had one bipoloar test say they think I could be. Unfortantly I don't have a printer to print any test or anything I look up out. Even if I did I don't know if I would have the courage to show them to my doctor. He might be one of those type who get mad if you second guess his diagnosis. Maybe it's wrong of me to do that but I keep having this feeling there is something else going on weather it's a misdiagnosis or something else with the bipoloar. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I try to ignore it but the feeling won't go away. I mean I don't feel like I have issues with being diagnosed with bipolar like when it first happened allthough for me it was a shock. It's not I had a problem with it I just couldn't see it at 1st. You see mom has this old medical dictionary so I allready knew many of the bipolar symptoms and as I read it did not think it sounded like me at all. So when my phych doc told me I was in shock. That's when I begged Mom for internet. I just was dying to see where I fit in as bipolor. I just wanted to see it myself. There was only one page that made me concider it could be. One page out of hundreds. One.

Anyway it's a good thing I was diagnosed because if I wasn't I would still have no internet to this day. Also if I hadn't been researching mental things I never would have found this site. So that is the good part in finding out. Unfortantly with or without bipolar I still feel like there is something else going on.
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Avatar universal
I think it was therapy that made me somewhat more depressed in the first place.
After my T left ... well it's a long story.  The date when the new T was to arrive kept getting pushed further back.  Then when she did finally arrive I was unwell (both physically and emotionally).  I was on IV antibiotics and trying to deal with issues brought up by surgery.  When I was able to attend therapy I was given depression and anxiety questionnaires to fill out during my therapy time.  Having gone from three therapy sessions to none then back to one was also not helpful.
If limits had of been set and it had of contained me then I think things would have been a lot better.
However, when therapy begins to mimic that of the past (when it is triggering and damaging and I am left feeling in constant crisis plus feeling suicidal and homicidal) then I think it is less damaging for me to not be in therapy.
My last T said that because of the inexperience of the T that I was most likely better off once I stopped attending therapy.  For the most part she was right.
I accept that not working through my frustrations is a problem.  I think that doing that in an unsafe environment is not productive though.
Abandonment and engulfment issues also make therapy difficult for me.  Again, it is difficult for me to establish some middle ground.  I am seeing a theme here.

That was part one of the therapy saga.  I have seen the head of the psychology department for therapy sessions as well.  That pretty much has been a disaster too.  My last T said that I should not see this T as I had previous therapy with his wife.  She also said that because of certain object relations that I have that I shouldn't have therapy with a male.  I think I am open to therapy with either gender.
I think the main issue was that we failed to establish a therapeutic relationship.
I found it difficult to trust because there were minimal limits and therapy was inconsistent (plus because of my own trust issues).  My T also wouldn't converse with me about thoughts I had of harming myself or a family member.  I was looking for insights into what was triggering these thoughts so that I could work towards resolving those issues.
Recently I turned up to therapy to learn that my T was away without previously canceling our session.  I was away for the next session because I had the flu.  I had no more scheduled sessions.
He sent a letter asking me to contact him.  I left six messages over a two week period for him to phone me.  He has yet to return any of the calls.  Plus he just sent me another letter to ask me to contact him.

My GP has had ongoing concerns about my health and the service for a long time.  He has written to both the director and the manager of the mhs.  It took over four months for him to get a response.  He now plans to write to the Health and Disability Commissioner.  Ideally he is seeking an independent specialist opinion.
I see this all as being of little significance as I still have little or no support.

I don't think my mood is any lower than usual.  Meaning any lower than it has been for most of the year.  His death is messing with my thoughts a little but probably no more than other triggers.  My mother saying I have no stress in my life upsets me more.  I'm confused.

Death is a whole other issue.  I think my recent experiences have made me more aware of it.  I was pretty naive before being in icu for a week on a ventilator.  Looking back I just get frustrated that my actions weren't lethal.  Weren't enough.
I have nearly drowned.  I have seen my mother stop breathing and seen her intubated.  I had four family members die within one month.  Just recently a lady at the cancer lodge with me died of a brain hemorrhage.  And my neighbor died from melanoma.
Sometimes I embrace death, other times I'm afraid of it.
Seems contradictory.  From when I was unwell I have lists of methods.  It seems natural, almost protective.  Probably because it gives me a sense of control.
During my 10 months of good therapy I rarely thought about these.  I had only one short period where I had an issue.  (Triggered by needing my wisdom teeth out and performing poorly by my standards in a half marathon and another family death.)
Anyway, they too (life and death) are at opposite poles.

I expect all of that but predominantly anxiety.
As much as I hate admitting it, we all have skills.  You have skills, I have skills, the expert and other members all have skills.  They I expect just have more or utilize what they do have more to their advantage.
Being stuck kind of means we don't build on any (except for the negative ones).

I too have forgotten much learned material.  I believe taking all my discharge medication was not conducive to healthy brain function.  And probably destroyed the few functional neurons (brain cells) I did have.  I expect my brain has atrophied somewhat from misuse.  The was suppose to read disuse.

Not this expert by any chance?  I fear lots of things.  Failure or not being perfect are high on my list.  I would hate to think what they defend against.  Maybe a lack of identity or sense of self.  A lack of purpose and direction in life.

The expert on the mental health and emotional eating expert forums say that nothing is to be feared.  Thoughts, feelings and memories are just bits of information -nothing that can hurt us.

My thoughts are that you have probably been misdiagnosed but that is not my place to say and it could be harmful to you.

I don't think my question is about depression or safety issues.  They I think are only symptoms of something else.  It is the something else that I think I am interested in.  I could be wrong.  I am receptive to most feedback (except about safety issues -unless people want to hear why accessing support isn't an option).

I feel so frustrated now.  
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Avatar universal
I hate to tell you this since we talk a tot but I think if your really feeling that depressed you should see a T agian. Either the same one or someone else. Maybe your more depressed because of your cousin. Death has a big impact on life expecially for those who are allready struggling with depression.

Also it's a good chance that it's anxiety related but it could be lack of skills and stuff. You really remind me of me. I have no skills or anything. And worst of all anything I have learned has been forgotten and my mind ain't how it was. I posted something similar and a doctor told me to ask myself what is it I fear. Well I still can't help but wonder if there really is something wrong with me. So I feel the same way.
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Avatar universal
I wasn't sure whether to add this update or not.  I wasn't sure whether it would be useful.
Since I last posted my cousin has killed himself.  
For me it has come at a time when I have had many safety issues myself.  I have had one significant attempt.  I have previously been sectioned under the mental health act for severe depression and have been threatened with ect.
While I would like more support from the mhs, interactions have largely been unproductive and harmful and are currently not an option.

I think the information from the first post was the most important but I also sometimes wonder if that transitioning isn't occurring because I'm not committed to life.  I want to make changes and to be able to engage normally but something seems to be holding me back.  I don't know whether it is fear and anxiety or lack of knowledge and skill or something else.
Maybe you will see what I can't.  I'm not sure where to begin to move my life forward.
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