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Avatar universal

childhood abuse

I am struggling to put my thoughts into words let alone form a question.
I have been sent repeat forms asking me to have a cervical smear.  I am not sexually active which precludes the need for one, however, there is a question of childhood sexual abuse.
I have memories of going to the park, being approached by a man and then running home crying.  I remember there being blood and there being a man at my window.  I am confident my ocd tendencies are due to the man at my bedroom window.  The park stuff still remains a mystery to me and I am unsure what to make of it.  I get extremely anxious when I think about it.
I had nightmares when I was younger.  Most were violent, others centered around trust issues.
I was beaten when I was younger and would jump off the roof of a two-story house to avoid it.  When I was 9+ I would reproduce aspects of the behavior.  Some behavior I understand, some I don't.  I think the park stuff and being beaten are separate issues.
A number of years ago I had a severe asthma attack and since then have had issues with people touching me.  I also hate people in my personal space.
I'm still not sure what the question is.  In the absence of specific memories concerning the park is it fair to assume that nothing happened?  Something feels wrong but I'm not sure what.
I was treated for breast cancer last year.  Despite the surgeon saying it was rare in someone my age I now have concerns about developing cervical cancer.  I'm confused about all this.  I don't know what it means and I don't want people touching me.  
I have issues with trust and relationships and wonder if their origins lie there.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for.  I feel so confused.
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Avatar universal
I spoke to my GP today.  He said he will contact the consultant psychiatrist who is also the director of mh.  I don't expect anything positive to come from it.  If anything.  
My GP will also be on leave for a number of weeks from next week.
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Avatar universal
I have been reflecting on your comments some more.
That 'something' in my emotional life is still difficult to discern.  I also understand that a T would be great for helping with relevant insights.

My thoughts were that the anxiety was being caused by me making bad decisions on the back of being so disorganized.  My feeling is that it pertains to a lack of identity or sense of self.  

Last night while watching Criminal Minds (I like the behavioral and criminal investigative aspects) I was triggered to think about new ways to harm myself.  I haven't done this for a long time.  I was also thinking about writing a note (detailing all the instances the mhs have let me down).  While notes may or may not have a role I felt it was something I would not do.  I think that thinking about and writing about aspects of our lives can change how we feel.  For me, perhaps the feelings become too close to the actions.  I think I need them separate.

I don't know if my mood is any lower than usual.  I lack motivation, I don't feel that energized.  My sleep pattern is somewhat erratic.  I am over-eating.  I feel withdrawn.

I think some anxiety, stress, agitation and confusion is coming from lack of options.  Or perceived options.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and in need of some support.  I think I may try to hide the depth of my feelings and distress because other people feel uncomfortable with them (and I feel uncomfortable with consequences).  Some people will ignore the feelings while others feel the need to totally control them.

I don't know where I'm at in my life anymore.  I don't feel like I'm managing or in control.

I don't know if I need to access support and if I do, how too.
I know I need psychotherapy.  That much I do know.

Over the years I have experienced chronic suicidal (and at times homicidal) ideation.  I don't know if what I am feeling now is any better or worse than previously.  It can be hard to guess at risk because it is constantly changing.  It may feel low one minute then high the next.

I don't know how to have these conversations with my GP.  A number of years ago he said he was blunted to the safety stuff.  As a rule I don't discuss this with him.
The same is true of the mhs.  I have asked for help when I have been unwell but have had my concerns dismissed.  I guess I am a little tenacious and manage to survive somehow.  Sometimes I think it has only been through luck or fatigue.

I feel trapped.  One way provides no support, only fear and rejection.  The other at least provides emotional comfort or nothing.

I don't know how to work through any of this and make changes.
Not changing is not really an option.
I am either in denial and think I may be able to change some things (which I invariably can't.  Not long-term anyway.) or I feel terrified.

Sometimes I appear relatively competent and maybe I am.  I don't know.  I don't feel particularly skilled.  Maybe in those moments though I feel a sense of control which negates the need for support.

I don't know how much of a problem any of this is.  I just know that I don't want to be stuck in this same place time and time again.

How do I even tell my parents?  My parents think that everything is fine despite evidence to the contrary.  My mother has severe head injuries, my father is a bit daft.  I don't know what is wrong with him (dementia??).

My GP perhaps feels the safest to talk too so maybe starting with him would be a good idea.  I don't even know what I would say.  What I should say.
I expect he would just say that he will talk to the mhs and then in another four months time come back with another, we can't help you.
Sometimes I feel it would be best just to push everything aside and deal with it as best as I can.  Is existing any life though??
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Avatar universal
Thanks for your response.
I think perhaps I feel a little pressured by my GP to have a test that will provide him with information.  I expect he has concerns about my past due to my behavior.  I expect I also feel a little confused and inadequate because I don't have facts, only inconclusive memories.
I was just thinking that it would be convenient to alter memories and grab the sympathy and nurturing on offer but integrity is important to me.  These are what I remember.

I understand.  Perhaps you're right, perhaps it is only a manifestation of other experiences.  Perhaps it is all best left in the past.  Perhaps that is an avoidance strategy.  ??

Perhaps I feel confused because I have some skills yet are unable to translate them into change or something more tangible.
Christmas has been stressful for me so perhaps it is also about feeling stressed and run down.
More likely it is about me needing to make changes to make my life work but me feeling obligated and responsible for my family.  (Plus the skills deficits.)

I feel rather cynical about therapy at the moment.  You don't advocate me working through my issues from a text book?
I wonder, would you return to a T or a service that was unwilling to help you?  
I know there is a truck load of hurt for me there, I get that.
It's not everyday that people get sectioned, are restrained, medicated, end up in icu, are threatened with ect, are handcuffed, are told to half-smile, to take out the rubbish, that there is nothing they can do, that someone who is unwell is coming in.  I understand the hurt and rejection at all the miscommunication.  I get that.  
I don't accept a T not engaging in conversations with a client/ patient though.

I think my own trust issues have affected how I relate to mh professionals.  I also think that their lack of understanding and/ or skill has reinforced them though.

My GP is following up/ has been following up about therapy.  I expect that will be another lifetime away.  It took the service four months to reply to my GP last time.  With the matter still unresolved.

Is going back to my last T really the best solution?  He brushed over issues with me last time.  He never wrote up a contract after he said he would.  He never returned any of my phone calls after he asked me to contact him.  
As to discussing stuff like my cousin hanging himself, etc when he won't even talk about suicide or homicide.  What does he care that I gave up sport because my coach gave me a rope and told me to hang myself with the rope from a branch of the tree.
Last year after all the breast cancer stuff (surgery, post-surgical infection, radiation, etc) all he said to me was that women going through this often end up with ptsd.  

Perhaps I was not meant to resolve any of this.  Perhaps I feel too tired and hurt to care anymore.  Perhaps in my own stupid little maladaptive way I was screaming out for help that was never going to be there.  Perhaps I've given up and don't really want that help.  Perhaps it is easier to give up on something when it is so hurtful and does so much damage to ones self.

This post has deteriorated somewhat.  I feel frustrated at not having that therapeutic relationship.
I see myself being extremely critical of others and their actions (or lack of).  Maybe it is just a perceptual thing.
I feel pretty paralyzed about accessing therapy at the moment.  I want to understand what's going on in my life and want to make changes but ...  I don't know.
Some days I have urges to harm myself or worse but then I feel kind of sort of alright.
I don't think people understand how difficult life is most of the time.  And therapy can feel more like a curse than a cure.  A T will expose a wound.  It won't be resolved.  It takes a week to cover and then a new one will be exposed.  Life happens.  Other things seem to become priorities.  It's hard.

Obviously I have a lot of issues.  Thank you for reflecting this stuff back to me.  I haven't found too many people able to do that.
I am skeptical but mainly because I have been hurt and rejected in times of crisis when I have felt I have needed help and understanding the most.  Help for me in my area means medication and the threat of ect.  I think help frightens me so much because people don't understand (and I have trouble communicating) and I feel unheard and often feel controlled and dictated too by others.  I guess it all contributes to me feeling powerless and lost.

Thank you for your time and your post and the boundaries.
Helpful - 0
505460 tn?1221237085
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
First, let me address the two specific questions you ask:

1) Regarding your cervical smear -- I am not sure if this is a necessary procedure for a younger woman who is not sexually active, so I cannot comment on this one way or the other.  This is a question you may want to ask on the gynecology forum if you haven't already.

2) Regarding the possibility of childhood sexual abuse and the absence of a memory of the event other than the park incident -- again, just as you aren't sure, I certainly cannot say whether or not you have been the victim of sexual abuse.  Further complicating things, people's memories are notoriously unreliable; while it is possible that the event in the park occurred, it is also possible that, given your history of being a victim of physical abuse, this memory is some manifestation of those experiences.  However, I stress here that I cannot comment one way or the other about sexual abuse.  

I also sense that you are aware of something else about your emotional life that is difficult to pinpoint but present for you, hence the confusion.  As we have discussed in previous posts, your mistrust of others extends to those in the mental health field.  While I appreciate this, I also still believe that your best bet at being able to sort out the different issues you are trying to sort out for yourself would be to talk to a therapist about it.  I realize that you are skeptical, but I do believe that psychotherapy will give you an opportunity to work out the issues involving trust with others (including whoever you would be in treatment with) as well as the impact that your recent and not-so-recent past have on your current life.

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