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Avatar universal

computer games

you were so helpful with my last problem; i thought i would get some feedback on this issue.

my kids love to play computer games. mostly my just turned 15 yr old. he likes to play runesape and world of warcraft. When he began playing runescape, i made an account and played for a while just to see what it is. good game, from what i can tell about WOW it is just like runescape but with more graphics, challenges and people. my son will be at the computer all day if i let him, which is most of the time, i admit. this is where the problem is.

I wasnt concerned until my 22 yr old daughter told me that i was "just letting my son do whatever he wants to do but that it was "unhealthy" because apparently she has seen issues come up about his playing. Issues that he is always on the computer, fights with the just turned 12 yr old about computer time and doing chores and so forth. i have witnessed some of these also, however they are not an "issue" with me. whenever i ask him to do something, chores or whatever, he usually does them. I say usually, because 8 or 9 times out of 10 he just does them. Sometimes he will say wait a minute, usually if he is doing a quest or instance (battle). i am okay with that, and sometimes have to reask him to do it after a while (say 30 min to hour later).  Even still sometimes he wont, so i just turn off the dsl until he does do it. which now that he KNOWS i do, he doesnt give me that problem so much.  same thing when the 12 yr old wants to get on the internet also. on days my son doesnt have homework, he will get on right after school, and if nobody else wants on he plays till 10pm.
8 Responses
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505460 tn?1221237085
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Thank you for elaborating.  I think "well-rounded" is not the appropriate term to use -- maybe a better question to ask yourself is, "Is my son performing in his life (school, socially, at home) as well as he is capable? If not, what can I do to help him get there?  You are indicating that you are concerned that he is not; in addition, teenagers especially do not always understand the consequences of their choices.  Some are more aware of this than others.  Therefore, you may need to help your son to understand these consequences, as you alluded to.  For example, if you feel he is capable of doing better in school with greater effort, then you can set up for him a plan that if he gets C's then he can keep the magazine, or keep the video game system.  If he doesn't, then you take it away.  Unfortunately, this relates to the other issue you mention, being the "bad cop" in the home.  If you set something up with your son, most likely you are going to have to be the one to monitor and enforce it, and ensure that no one else at home is undermining your efforts.  
Helpful - 1
505460 tn?1221237085
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
I think that I was picking up on your concern that your leniency with your son is "wrong" and you are looking to be reassured that how you are dealing with them is "right."  My reaction to your last post comes in two parts.  First, you are worried that you are going to mess your son up because you are not being "firm enough" with him even though you feel you are handling the situation well.  As far as I can understand, you weren't worried about how you were handling the situation until your older daughter made a comment to you about being too permissive.  So it seems more about your worry that you aren't being tough enough.  Second, as far as "video games and the proper bedtime for a 15 year-old boy," there isn't one right way to deal with that as well, every 15 year-old boy is a little bit  different.  Some 15 year-olds need more sleep in order for them to focus and do well in school, some don't; some can get sucked into playing video games at the expense of dealing with the "real world," some can play for hours and still manage to have a well-rounded life and handle their responsibilities and school just fine.  You have mentioned to me previously that your son is a pretty good kid who does what you tell him to do, when you tell him to stop he protests but cooperates (I'd say that's pretty good for a 15 year-old).  So again, it sounds like you're both doing well actually, which leads me back to my original point, that the issue seems to be about your worry that you are doing something wrong with your son, and that somehow your leniency is going to lead to problems for him.
Helpful - 1
505460 tn?1221237085
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hello again, thank you for your post.  You seem to be struggling with how firm you feel you want to be and should be regarding setting limits with your son.  It seems that the issue is less about his video game playing and more about your reaction to his reaction to your limit-setting.  It also seems like you're trying not to upset any of your children, and so again, the issue seems to be how you feel about upsetting others.  
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
Thank you again for your reply. You are right on the target again.

I will take your advice and keep it stored in the back of my mind, to remind myself as needed. this boy, he loves to test the limits and push everyones buttons, however he is basically a good kid. Not perfect but more or less good, considering what i have witnessed and read about other 15 year old. i guess the games, and the grades are not bad issues or troubles to have.

sometimes the answer is right there in my face, or deep down i know but dont like the answer, which is why i need a "second" opinion, if you will. sometimes the answer is so simple and i am trying to make it more complex that i fail to see it. or vice versa, the situation is complex and i am trying to make it simple. i have a fairly decent support system, with my family, my mom, sister and eldest daughter. however, sometimes i just dont agree with them or dont want to hear what they say, or think they are way off base. i understand it is hard to get all the pertaining information on one forum anonymity, (i always go over the max limit trying to be as informative as i can) however i find it very helpful.
i chose your forum out of the numerous others, because you have a crisp, clear view and advise which doesnt involve drugs or therapy for every little issue except when really needed. i appreciate that. and applaud you.

I hope my questions dont bother you, i dont feel like i have extreme issues, but to me there are important and having a Doctors opinion or advise is extremely helpful. thank you, thank you, thank you,
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Just rereading this and had a thought.

Maybe i am just not sure what the limits are to set with my son. Maybe i am not sure what normal 15 year old boy do. I think we are normal but we dont actual have anyone his age to use as an example. i know that what happens with the oldest boy will be the example for the younger two and i dont want to no do a good job with him.

any suggestions?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well, when you word it that way, i would have to say you are dead on.

I am very worried that i am doing things "right" with the children. not just the 15 year old, but the 12 year old girl and 7 year old boy and 3 year old boy. My oldest daughter is doing well, 22 years old not using drugs, or partying/alcohol, working a full time job and has her own place (as of 6 months ago, lol) so i guess i did alright with her. And although you are correct in saying that i was worried that i was not being firm enough, it doesnt stem from my daughters suggestion. I constantly double and triple guess myself when it comes to disiple and big decisions.  

plus i have mentioned before, i really resent having to do all of this basically alone. and having no other adult in the household to help, even if it is to bounce opinions or options at or vent to. i believe i am doing a good job, but everyonce in a while i come across an issue that i am just not sure how to handle or if i am handling it the best way. which is how i ran across this site to begin with.  i am not looking for someone who will just agree with what ever i say, i am looking for the correct way to do it. Sometimes i just get stuck. and i appreciate your comments tremendously. You tell it like it is and that puts my mind at rest, (not on the fence of if i am right or wrong anymore) and i can move to the next step necessary.

what you said makes so much sense, i fully understand that "parenting" is different with each child because each child is different, so again, what you said makes sense. I was very strict with the eldest and with each additional child progressively getting more lenient with them. So i worry that i am being both too premissive and then i worry if i am being too strict. If that makes sense, i know sometimes i let things slide and i guess that makes me feel guilty, or other people make me feel guilty.  i choose my fights. I have some big issues that never are allowed no matter what, but things like bedtime with the 15 yr old, phone time with the 12 year old, and some chores with all i can wait until they are done with whatever. I spoil my children but i dont want them to be spoiled rotten, rude, and hateful.

my son is somewhere in the middle to what you said. He doesnt seem to have any trouble getting up for school, no matter how late he stays up. however, i am not sure how productive he is at school. that is another continuing issue i have with him, is his grades. he gets by with c's and in math (and science this semester) he has f's, doesnt turn in the homework or doesnt do the homework. has been an ongoing agruement for the last 2 years. this semester, starting in january, i tried something new. i agreed to the subscription of WOW (7/mth) and wouldnt cancel it if he agreed not to have any zeros, which meant he had to do and turn in his homework. so far so good except we are now getting some 20's and 40's on papers. So i might need to step that up here pretty soon. He is also somewhere in between the getting sucked into playing video games at the expense of dealing with the real world and having a well rounded life and socialize. i did not grow up with video games, but i enjoy them now. there is some part of me that thinks being on the computer or watching tv for more then 4 - 5 hours is bad and counterproductive. However, the other part of me realizes that is what kids do in this time and age. just out of courousity, what does a well rounded life mean to you?

thank you so much for your time and your answers.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You are correct in saying that i am having a hard time in being firm or deciding how firm to be with the children. I recognize the fact that i tend to be lenient however, i  have little or no help from my husband and am forced into being the disciplinary one. And i guess that is where the problem lays. I resent having to be the one that shoulders all this plus i am sometimes uncertain what the right path is or wheather or not i am correctly seeing and tending to an issue or situation. my first reaction is i want to give in. Now that i am  being told that is what i am doing and it is actually wrong to do so has me worried.

i want my children to be well brought up and have good morals and the ability to make the right chooses. i try hard to develop and nurture that also. i worry about my abilities and my discipline chooses all the time. Most of the time, i feel good and the outcomes are good. However, sometimes i just dont know. And I thought that is what this website was all about.

So this actually was about the video games and the proper bedtime for the 15 year old boy. And I really was wondering what you thing about THAT situation.

PS: you must not have read my responses to some of these posts. upsetting people and my children are NOT an issue with me. I have no problem doing so if i KNOW what i am doing is the "right" thing to do.

Thank you. Your opinion is valued! and your time is appreciated.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
if the girl wants on, i tell the boy to get off at a selected time, whenever she asks, i give him around 30 minutes to close it up, and even thou he complains he usually gets off at that time. and she gets on for a few hours. i don’t let her on the computer as much since she is 12. plus her bedtime is 8ish or 9 by the latest. so he can get back on for 1 or 2 hours.

My daughter doesn’t see this but whenever she or my husband ask him to do something (usually when i am not here), my son gives them grief over it or flat out refuses. the way i see it is yes, the boy should do whatever his elders are asking him to do. my d usually berates him into doing it, but my husband cant. Which is an old problem with my husband and son. my husband doesn’t MAKE him or any of the children respect or mind him. we have had problems about child discipline for awhile. i have backed him but my husband is never consonant and cant even get the 3 year old to mind him most of the time without my help. so again, my thoughts on it is the husband needs to enforce what he is telling the kid to do. whether or not i am here to "enforce" it. and if he cant do it, then my husband is the one with the problem. But that is a whole nother problem and not what this is about.

my question to you is whether or not I am being to lenient on the boy. Like i mentioned before i usually don’t have any trouble getting him to do anything. i ask him for example, to throw the trash, and he says okay and stops the game and throws the trash and gets back on the game. on school nights, i usually have to unplug the dsl modem and put it under my pillow and he sometimes gets mad over it, and might stay up after 10 watching TV or whatever then goes to bed, and i don’t have any trouble getting him up in the morning. on weekends, i usually let him play until 1 amish, but sometimes, like this last Friday night, i know he stayed up until 3am playing. I guess one of the things i have a problem with is when i do tell him at night to shut it off, even on the weekends, he does get upset. especially at 10pm, because he doesn’t think he needs to go to bed that early, and because most of his friends are still on the game. (some of them i admire their parents and are basically good kids) so i end up feeling guilty that i am making him get off.

what do you think is the  proper bedtime for a 15 year old? and should he be allowed to play until 1ish on the weekends if we are not doing anything the next day. i usually go to work on saturdays at 8am and i am not home til10pm. so i don’t have a problem with it. but have been told i am wrong in thinking that.
your advise is appreciated.
Helpful - 0

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