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How Do I Know When

When I first met my husband he could handle his beer. Then about 4 years later when he got back into the band business, he started drinking hard liquor. Every year he has gotten worse. We have been married 15 years. Now every night he is loaded and falls asleep around 8:00, sometimes 7:00, depending on how many drinks he has. He has not been physically abusive, but mentally. He embarrasses me when we are with other people. He is the only person who can get drunker AFTER he eats. We have no children living at home. He knows he has a problem and says he will do something about it, when he has less stress. We cannot afford the price of his liquor but he doesn't seem to care. He is pulling me down financially too. When he is sober, he is a great person. I do not look forward to coming home, nor the weekends. But I am afraid to leave him. When he dies I stand to inherit a lot of money. I just don't know how to tell when it's time to leave. He just disgusts me most of the time. Do I make any sense?
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11626839 tn?1420237790
Hello,
     This is a normal progression for a problem drinker. many people don't want to break up the family.Have you tried to push the getting help issue? The thing is, it is he who has to decide that he has a problem and do something about it. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If that doesn't faze him, think about your alternatives.
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Avatar universal
"He says he'll address it when he has less stress"....  I've heard a lot of excuses through my time and I've heard that one very often.  Do you know what would cause him less stress?  Addressing what is causing him stress and learning how to deal with it.  Drinking doesn't get rid of stress, it just kind of hides it.  When you wake up the next day, whatever caused you stress the day before is often looking right back at you.

"Self medicating" is a term often used to kind of soften the reality of the situation at hand.  "Self diagnosis" is self explanatory.  With a self diagnosis we begin self medicating.  "Stress" is the condition and at the same time it is the excuse to keep drinking.  "As soon as the stress is gone, I'll deal with it...."  That saying leaves any time table wide open and drinking never solved one problem.

Something is bothering the guy and he needs to find out and actively join in to combat whatever it is causing the stress.  A trip to the physicians office is a good first stop and from there, perhaps therapy but I've got a sneaky suspicion that your husband might not be up for that.  Most men don't just throw themselves into therapy.  It makes them look weak, so the issue remains unaddressed.

So, you can discuss those options and begin working on your own.  I'd start making a plan, saving money, just incase he isn't willing to participate.  At some point you will tell him that he has options, and you can lay them out in black and white.  One option is you leaving, but it should be the last one if you truly love your husband.  if you do, do all you can to be supportive.  Go to the doctor and therapy with him.  That might be what gets him there.

The key is, nobody needs to know where you are going or what you are doing.  Its nobody's business.

Wish you well!
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Avatar universal
Thanx for your reply.
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Avatar universal
Thanx for your reply too. 3 weeks into his retirement, NOW his stress is his 94-yr-old father who is difficult and gradually getting more ailments. I said it before to myself that his "stress" will never end - there will always be something to be stressed about. I predicted that his drinking will start earlier and earlier. Thanx for letting me vent. And thanx again for your reply.
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Avatar universal
You're welcome.  Venting is a good stress reliever, so I hope you feel a little better getting that off your chest.  The thing about stress is, anything can be "stressful" to an alcoholic so the excuses never seem to go away.  

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10670531 tn?1411883360
You make 10000% sense to me, I have been married to an alcoholic 25+ years. I guess 25+ years too long....I like you live under the same circumstances...when he is sober a completely different person. He drinks and I'm the one that gets on the receiving end of all his anger. Oh what fun for me, I have built up a wall and am building resentment rapidly. It is disgusting to watch him weave and bob around the house as he tries even harder to act sober its quite a sight. But I'm at that place where should I just go but then after the weekend I get the I'm sorry don't leave phone call as he's working...I don't know why I stay I guess I'm just numb...sorry I'm rambling I'm just exhausted.
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Avatar universal
You ladies both need to understand that you do have options here.  Your life and happiness depend on decisions you make, not decisions others make for you.  

I am not trying to minimize either of your situations.  Both seem so dire and I guess I understand the trapped feeling.  But really, you aren't trapped and you do have so many options.  

I seriously hope you both do some home work and some soul searching and discover what it is that you want out of this part of your life.  Perhaps it is staying and perhaps it is being a support system IF, IF, your husbands decide to actively participate in getting sober.  If they want no part of that, I believe it is safe that you can expect more of the attitude and feelings you are getting now.

I wish you both peace.
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