Avatar universal

Lost need a friend! My wife and partner of 4 kids is too far gone!

My wife of nine years has been drinking for two years now and has become a severe alcoholic I've done everything I can to help her get her life back it's affected our children our marriage my job just our overall life and I know there's people out there that have gone through this before but I'm really lost and to be honest with you I'm alone right now going to this so it's really hard to even talk to anybody about it I can't tell my family i can't talk to her family about it and My children are suffering every day I'm a strong man I've been in the military and 13 years and you know my life was really good up until the time my wife lost herself. If there's anyone out there there's been through this or is going to this I really appreciate just being able to talk to somebody else about it
14 Responses
91034 tn?1401416303
Hi Edward I'm sorry your going through this. When she drinks what exactly are the issues? Is she abusive, withdrawn, drive while intoxicated ect.. How much does she drink a day? Does she work? Does she have any desire to stop but is unable?? Does she go through withdraw?
When you say you done everything to try to help her. What does that mean? Treatment? Intervention?
Have you seen anyone like a "therapist" to talk to about this with. I know that this might seem like a stupid idea but doctors  are there to help with situations like this and they might have a list of places that could help your family. It doesn't mean you are not a strong person. You are very brave to reach out on here. She is something you can't control and I know that has to be frustrating for you. Hang in there. Sorry for all the questions I'm just trying to get a better understanding of the situation.
Avatar universal
Hello Ed,

I'm where you're at with 2 immediate family members. What I've learned is there is nothing I can do about them. I'm completely powerless over someone else's addiction. Sadly, it's entirely up to them to reach a bottom and become willing to do what ever it takes to dig their way out of the depths they're in right now. You and I trying to do something for them is only chasing a mirage.The best we can do is adopt an attitude of detachment from their disease. If you Google "detachment with love" you'll see what I mean by that.

We are absolutely affected by their disease. We carry it's weight on our shoulders. But by seeking help and comoraderie from others like us, some of that weight gets lifted. You did a good thing by posting. Realizing that we got to stop fighting the losing battle against their disease is a big step but it's also the beginning of our freedom. We've got to get our lives back by allowing our sick loved ones the dignity of being who they are and putting our focus back on us. We can't change them but we can gather the courage to change ourselves.

I go to Al Anon meetings. There we discuss with one another what we're doing for ourselves to get through these hard times. You might want to try out a meeting and see if it works for you, or get involved on here (or both).  Al Anon is a worldwide fellowship organization of folks like you and I who have someone in our lives who has a debilitating disease we can do nothing about; but we love them very much. The problem shared is a problem cut in half.
Avatar universal
Thank you guys for the response!!! I've done it all! She doesn't work she was in nursing school but the cut it short! After 3 years of school. She's been to rehab and gets clean for a few days and is so sorry then is bad for a few days and turns into the devil! It's night and day!!! When she comes back out of it, she doesn't even remember what all she has done!!! Thank you all again! I'm working at moment so sorry for being short
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We have done everything above! Except let her hit rock bottom because I feel if she hits rock bottom its prison or death and that I feel will devistate the kids???
Avatar universal
Good morning Ed. We're not letting the alcoholics we love do or not do anything. The disease will run its course no matter what we do. There is quite a difference between controlling and caring. Sure we care and we see a bleak future as the disease takes its own deconstructive course. But by thinking we're in control, we become a victim of the same disease.

You take care of those kids the best you can and take a break from her by taking care of yourself also. The more you learn about her disease and codependency the better the entire family becomes.
Avatar universal
It's true You do not have control over Your Wife But You DO have choices and You DO have control over and for YourSelf AND Your Children.

Perhaps it's time You tell Your Wife that You are done, that You have decided You and Your Children are going to live an alcohol free life.  You might tell Her She is welcome to join You but that She MUST choose between alcohol and Her Family.  Some say it's a 'disease', some say it's 'addiction', some say it's both but, none the less, RECOVER is a CHOICE as evidenced by all who come here who have recovered from drinking.  It's not easy, but it IS possible, it IS do able - by those who have the incentive to do so (some call it "hitting bottom).  I'm suggesting that if You give Her an ultimatum - She will have Her incentive (bottom).  Otherwise, in my opinion, it's Your 'duty' to remove Your Children from an alcoholic home and seek therapy for them as They have absolutely been affected by Their Mother's alcoholism.  This I know is true.

Avatar universal
I meant to say RECOVERY is a CHOICE
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Yesterday I gave her the ultimate as she was opening up another can to drink! I told her that I'm done and love her but that's it!!! I PRAYED PRIOR!!! And for the first time EVER!!! She cried and said she doesn't want to be like this anymore, she prayed and then poured out all the alcohol!!! We went to church today, and the whole service was about addition!!! Crazy!!! And so far other then withdrawal, today has been one of the best days we have had in a long long time!!! I know it's a long road ahead, and we have done this a lot!!! But she and myself know this is it!!! Keep us in your prayers!!! And I truly thank all of you for being amazing supporters and responding to me!!!
Avatar universal
I Am SO Excited For You And Your Wife And For The Children.

Apparently Your Ultimatum Is Her Bottom.  Bless Her Heart !!

And Yours Too !!  

My Heart And My Prayers Are With You !!  Yes, a long road ahead but the reward is HUGE !!
3060903 tn?1398565123
Aha, you needed an intervention, it worked so far, now you need to let her know in no uncertain terms, with an Addictions Therapist, that you mean business. You must do this for your children.

Give her no choice but to continue. It may mean the difference between a relapse or not a relapse.,

You are in our prayers. Please keep us informed as to how things are going, by bumping up your post to the top. We can't wait to hear the news, good or bad we're here for you.

God bless your family.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Perhaps with an Addicitons Therapist, you can get through to her that if she does relapse it means a 90 day residential treatment cenrre. And mean it. I had my husband attend a 90 rehab for relapse prevention the first time he relapsed. That was 16 years ago, with no further problems.
3060903 tn?1398565123
An Addiction's Therapist is important for you. This is the type of daily therapy that she would be getting in Rehab. Many that don't get to Rehab, do not see the importance of knowing and following what is done with residential treatment. BIG MISTAKE. You can keep your wife out of rehab by having her see an Addictions Therapist. (maybe not but you can try everything you can). Frankly, Rehab would be a huge gift to her (and the family) . There you learn without any distractions (other than missing family - who you are able to visit with on family day). It would give her a foundation, and should not be looked at like a punishment but as a gift.
3060903 tn?1398565123
If she get's this help, we're looking forward to hearing that she has resumed her studies.
Avatar universal
Wanted to know what happened next. Did she change for better.
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