Does it ever get better?

[Bob185]

Hi people - it has been 9 months since seperation/divorce mainly due to my drinking - i cant get over not being with my family - i want to stay sober but without them in my life it seems hopeless - please god help me - i want my family back - please give any suggestions or hope out there - i need it - thank you

[misslja]

It CAN get better.  But you have to make it better.

It's your time to be strong now.  If your wife is willing to get back together with you POSSIBLY if you clean up your act, that's all you can expect from her.  I found, having an addictive personality myself, that when we want things we want them NOW.  But this time you're going to have to allow your wife to wait for a year, maybe more to see if you not only quit drinking, but changed.  Just because we stop drinking doesn't mean all those behaviors associated with being addicted to alcohol leave right away.

Think about it.  And talk to your wife.  If you're serious about starting life over with your family and without alcohol it could happen I would think.  And I have to tell you...I quit drinking years ago and I don't miss it one bit.  Freedom!  Ah, the freedom......

[MJIthewriter]

Sorry for butting in. I'm just a forum lurker, a writer with a strange hobby and interest in combining human problems with insect-like creatures.

There's one forum member here, ibizan who takes it one hour at a time. I wonder if she will post here?  She finds that helpful to break it up that small rather than focus on 24 hours at once.

I'm not a drinker, but I do have what I think are really helpful links I found when researching for one of my story characters. (a recovering alcoholic).  Feel free to pm me.

[TJack]

okay, what about Bob?  How are you doing?  Lots of encouraging words on here for you.
Hope they have helped some and you are pulling yourself up by the boot straps and going on with life.  God gives us freedom of choice.  But, if we choose to live life and do better and have faith He will help us.  That is my belief anyway.  
Take the campral Bob.  It with some willpower is working for me.  Good wishes and please keep posting so we know what's happening with you and how you are. TJ

[nyychic]

NO STRUGGLES!!  Small accomplishments one day at a time.  You can make it through this.  This too shall pass!!! Okay enough of that but you get the picture.  You can do this.  Just try not to look at this as the struggle more so look at the small things if you take it a little bit at a time.  Just take it easy.  I have a very stressful life and I am addicted to cig's (I'm not comparing the addictions) I gave them up 6 mos ago along with all of my excuses to smoke.  I had tons I have 4 children, 3 boys and a girl ages 9 7 4 and the baby she's 2 and obnoxious and adorable and sweet and mean all at the same time the two older boys are ADHD My mom who lives with us was diagnosed with breast cancer and I cared for her my husband was diagnosed (wrongly) with a brain tumor (turned out it was a harmless little old cyst) his ex consistantly causes problems with us, and oh I have 2 step children 21 boy and 16 girl.  We lost our home (Sort of our choice as it had so many problems we could no longer afford to keep it safely) and we moved (Into a nicer and bigger home that happens to have much more land and much less a month for the rent and the bills).  We are much happier here and I don't wwnt sympothy at all my point is that I could have used any of those things to excuse myself into taking that cig. and smoking it and becoming re-addicted in no time.  I would have to if I had picked one up.  I chose to say NO I won't allow the "nicotine monster" to control me (Yes I called him a little nicotine monster and I pictured a little blue  monster don't know why and questioned my sanity!!) but it worked for me and there is something that works for everyone you just need to be open to the fact that it's there and it's about your choice in that minute.  In the beginning I probably thought it over 200 times "I want a smoke!!" Mind you my husband and mother both smoke and continue to do so.  It is MY CHOICE to smoke and MY CHOICE not to smoke.  Yes it's an addiction but I choose not to allow it my soul.  I decided to overcome.  Let me tell you it's not all will power cuz let me tell ya if there are brownies in this house I got NONE.  Just find what works for you honey it may take awhile to find it but every time you want that drink or your brain tries to tell you that it wants that drink tell yourself it's been x minutes or days since I had a drink is that one drink worth giving up that sobriety?? NO it really isn't.  Just know that there are people who will listen to you and hear you out and not judge you but have faith in you.  Take care and message anytime you need some assistance and keep me posted on how you are doing.  I know I'm asking alot of ya now!!!  1 craving at a time you can handle that.  ONE at a time is easy forget about the ones before this one and the ones that may come.  You will find one day that you won't crave any anymore.  HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF

[Bob185]

still struggling - thanks for the post

[nyychic]

How's it going today?  I hope that things are looking up for you today.  

[Ren99]

Try AA, please.  it has a wierd "stigma" about it out there, but it worked for me, and please know you will take away so much from the right group.  but find the right group - if you dont like one meeting, try another.  You will figure it out.  and when you do, if it's meant to work out with your wife, it will. If not, you will be sober and will be able to enjoy your kids growing up. Trust me. Try it.  Find the right group.  I found it best to stick with old timers.  They are no b.s., tell it like it is, and dont let you b.s yourself.  The best thing about AA is you are supposed to humble yourself and admit to what you've done.  You reach the bottom, and then you start moving up.  and the move up is awesome.

[nyychic]

No problem.  I would really like for things to work out for you.  I really believe that you can make it and you can be successful!

[Bob185]

thanks  kid

[nyychic]

Those are the times that one day at a time is two much and you have to take it one hour or even one minute at a time but you'll get there!!

[Bob185]

thats what i need  - someone to believe in me - cause sometimes i dont believe in myself - thanks

[nyychic]

http://www.borders.com/online/store/TitleDetail?sku=1402736479 check that weside out about the book

[nyychic]

Don't be afraid you are taking the right steps you are asking for help getting counseling and working toward your future the way that you need to.  You would not have stopped drinking if your wife stayed because you wouldn't have realized that it was that big a problem or you would have been able to lie to yourself saying "If it were that big a deal she'd leave"  Now you are faced with finding who you are.  Which is worth every minute.  You may be lonely now but when you find yourself you may find out that you don't belong with your ex.  It may seem harsh now but it's the truth.  I have faith that you will find your way.  I believe that you are making the right steps and sometimes it just takes having a little faith in a person, or a person having a little faith in you.  Good luck with your progress and keep us posted.  I think that you should try reading "Allen Carr's quiting drinking" book.  He is an awesome man and I used his books to quit smoking.  It is worth a try and his smoking book is only like 12 bucks!!  I don't know about the drinking one but it's worth checking out I believe.  Good luck again and keep me posted!

[Bob185]

thanks - i keep trying to make up for things right away instead of taking it one day at a time - just filled w/fear and lonliness - thanks for the words of encouragement - they mean alot

[nyychic]

Believe me you can make it and it's not a Mountain just one little hill at a time.  Think of the pride one feels after climbing a mountain tho and take that pride with your accomplishments.  Also see if you can set a time maybe once a week or every two weeks to discuss your family with your wife.  Try not to ask her about getting back together keep it about the kids etc.  Tell her how important it is that you keep connected where you can.  Go from there ask her what topics are off limits and keep them off limits.  Show her that you can be trusted.  Battle with acohol must stop.  IF YOU ARE DRINKING THERE WILL NEVER BE A CHANCE TO HEAL.  It's imparative (and I think that you know it) that you stop drinking.  Small towns are tough but you will find much support in small towns as well.  Take the support where you get it and try to keep it "one day at a time" for the drinking.  Soon one day turns into too many to lose by taking a drink.  Good luck

[Bob185]

started on effexor 6 weeks agog 75mg and now 150 mg - cant tell if it is helping or not - yes i am still battling booze - coming back to my place just is so lonely and isolating - they live in house that is only a couple minutes away - same town (small town) everybody knows everyones business - seeing a therapist now - sometimes each hour is a struggle and seem to shoot myself in the foot with my ex by calling her  - just makes her angrier - but don't want to lose contact - the future just seems so bleak - especially thinking about what I had and how much I have lost  - I just don't know if I can climb the mountain again at 50 - will keep trying prayer and AA

[TJack]

Bob,  have you considered some counseling with a therapist?  It sure might help.
I started with a therapist a couple of weeks ago and have only seen her twice so far but i know it is going to be a big help for me.  Not with my marriage, as my husband is my rock and so supportive but with things that have brought me to my addictions.  Childhood trauma that hangs on and on.  I have forgiven and she will hopefully help me to leave it behind me now and move on.  Don't give up on life.  Are you spiritual?  Go to church.  I know my prayer life and friends that pray for me have helped me so much.
Also the AA group is a big plus.  You can share with all those people.  When i sit and listen to them speak, I think gee that's what i feel and i thought i was the only one.  
Also talk to you MD.  Anti depressants might be something to be considered.  Are you leaving the booze alone or still battling with it?  I am on campral (a drug that helps stop the craving)  still have to have some willpower but it definitely does help me.  Hang in there and keep posting.  tj

[nyychic]

Your family can still be your life it's just a different dynamic.  Trust me my husband was suicidal after his wife left hiim and things were bad but he  somehow pulled himself up by the bootstraps, now he would never go back to that life.  He has 4 more children and myself.  He is happy.  I know that this probably seems unreal that you will be happy again but you will.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings of loss for your family and try to move on from it.  Try really really try not to become consumed by the loss.  Take all of the good (like staying sober) and be proud of yourself for it.  Don't dwell on the past and why did it take this long be proud that it didn't take  longer.  We make choices all of our life and you can choose to see the good or the bad in almost any situation.  Choose to be happy that your family isn't watching the horrible sides of becoming sober.  The mood swings and the depression.  Be there for your children (if there are children involved) and spend the rest of your life loving them not making up to them.   It will all work out.

[Bob185]

trust is the big issue - it did take years to destroy things - if i am being rational, i should understand her point, but i am in a bad place, it seems like i am supporting her and her "new" life and i have none. it hurts so much to hear her say dont call me anymore. my family is my life and without it my motivation is nil.

[jml1986]

You have taken the first step, now all you can do is stay sober for yourself. I think the hardest part for my husband was that he had to accept  that unless or until I decided I could trust him again there was nothing he could do. For me it was that it took him years to destroy our marriage, if we did reconcile that could take years as well. What i would suggest first, is stop beating yourself up. The damage has already been done and you can;t wish it back. Next, work on you on you. If she dosen't decide she wants you back, thing you need to be the best dad you can be for your children. From there, you have to accept your life the way it comes, noone can be responsible for your happiness but you. Good luck

[TJack]

Bob, you've got to stop for YOU!  The rest will follow suit.  Maybe your ex will never want to take you back, i have heard of it but have also heard of men getting sober and staying sober and having a wonderful life and a loving wife.  So, get up on your saddle and stay on it. Go to AA, they will help you. They have helped me.  There is life after the booze.  Some of these women i meet with are over 20 years sober and keep coming to help us newby's.  Once you start making headway your hopes will pick up and think how proud you will make your kids.   Best wishes, TJ

[Bob185]

cant begin to tell you how much your words of suggestions and hope mean to me - i dont know u guys from a hole in the wall, but i know deep down your both correct in many areas - i appreciate the support and time you have taken to post me - i dont know about recociliation - yes there has been alot of trust broken - why couldnt i stopped - bob185

[nyychic]

Honey if your drinking was a problem and the cause of your divorce you really need to work on yourself first.  I know that this is hard but if your drinking was that much an issue for your spouse than odds are your drinking is more than a small problem.  I am married to a recovering alcoholic, his first wife left him due to his drinking and I nearly left him as well before he finally quit drinking for good.  Now it's been almost 7 years (in august is his anniversary) and he is happier than ever.  You need to focus on your recovery first.  I'm not going to tell you that your wife will take you back because I can't say that she will as I can't say she won't.  I can tell you that there is NO CHANCE if you don't stop drinking and take care of yoursself.  Odds are that you broke alot of trust with your spouse and you are going to need to rebuild that trust.  Honestly you may find your life goes into a different direction you won't be able to find out until you figure out that the choice to stop drinking isn't for your family it's for your own life.  You are still thinking like a "drunk" rather than a recovering alcoholic.  You have to realize that the decision to walk away from you probably was not very easy and was the reality check that you needed.  You must know that walking back to you would be harder because of the broken trust.  I think that you already know this tho.  I think that you should try to  remember that you need to put you and your recovery at the top of your priority list.  Very important for you to recover first then you can focus more on your family.

GOOD LUCK!!

[Jacker]

Has your wife shut the door on any future reconciliation? If she is still open, ask her what she needs to see from you, and do whatever she asks.  
AA might be a good step for you for two reasons.  First, it will give you a support group during this difficult period.
Secondly, it is outward proof to your wife that you are actively doing something about your alcohol problem.
If she has "shut the door" on your marriage, and abosuletly considers it over, then I'm afraid you might have to move on. You can remain as active as possible in the lives of your kids ,but sometimes there is just too much water that's gone under the bridge to put these things back together again.  If that's the case, I know it's a hard truth BUT you have to move forward and not think about things that you cannot change.
If however, there is a chance of reconciliation, that you need to do everything possilbe to show that you've changed -pull out all the stops, lose your pride, and do whatever she wants you to do.