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How do I handle a High Functioning Alcoholic husband?

My husband is a good father and provider however he is an alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic. He works in construction and works very hard. He will use the excuse that since he works hard he is entitled to having a few drinks after work every day. Monday through Thursday he most likely drinks 2-4 24 oz beers. Fri at least a  12 pack. Saturday he will drink most of the day maybe 4- 24 oz beers and later that night a 12 pack or more. Sunday’s probably 4-6 24 oz beers. He will basically drink until he falls asleep on the couch.  He is in denial that he is an alcoholic. I will avoid all invitations to parties From my friend and work colleagues  that I get invited too because I do not want my husband to drink he is not able to drink just a few he will drink until he is wasted. I will not go to bars with him because again I refuse to be his enabler. However I will attend family gatherings because my family knows him and they try to limit alcohol but my husband will just bring his own. Our relationship is just getting worse, I try to spend time with him invite him places where there’s no alcohol and he is not interested. Therefore we do nothing as a couple. I’ve told him let’s go to AA meetings together and he refuses. He says he is capable to stop on his own, but to him stopping means not drinking Mon- Th and resume in Fr-Sat.  He will do that for a little while but returns to his normal drinking schedule and will lie about how much he’s been drinking.  I have learned that we can not have conversations while under the influence he makes no sense and gets easily angry so I’d rather not speak to him while drinking. Therefore he becomes useless to me as a husband and father. He will just come home eat dinner, drink his beers and fall asleep on the couch. We have two girls who go to school, have daily school or sport activities that I get stuck with doing all of that. In have become very resentful.

Then he will go ahead and say he needs a social life and hang out with friends. Which means go to friends houses/bars and drink. He will accuse me of not wanting to have a personal social life because I don’t like having friends that I am boring. However I do have friends which I do see occasionally  for lunch, brunch and shopping. And yes occasional happy hour where I have 1-2 drinks max and I’m home on time to take the girls to their after school activities.  And I will not accept many invitations to friends events because I know there will be alcohol and I do not want my husband tempted. However I do not tell him about those invitations to avoid the discussion. Therefore if it seems I am antisocial in his eyes it’s because of him.

We have been married 13 years and gradually is been getting worse to where I know that it’s not going to get better if we do not address this issues. Sometimes I think it’s not worth my stress and my time to help him. I want peace and for us to be on the same team.  I want us to be the best role models that we can to our girls and break the cycle of addiction. I do not want my daughters to someday deal with this problem.

Financially I can handle my own, I can pay my bills, pay my home and capable of raising my girls to the best of my ability on my own But I love my husband need him as a partner, that we raise our girls, make healthy choices so we can be healthier, that I can trust and depend on. We are both 40 and in time to have a better future.

What do I do?

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He’s never going to be a positive role model because you believe he is a good provider therefore he’s entitled to get drunk and make you all miserable, right? You two are not the first couple on Earth to have children! You both are supposed to be good parents and support each other! Watching your children grow up & flourish is the reward, not booze so stop letting him make you think his drinking is ok.   Your husband knows there are no consequences for his actions because you put up with it.  You are damaging your children as much as he is by permitting this behavior. They didn’t choose that life, YOU DID! Tell him to seek treatment or to get the **** out! There’s no benefit for your girls if he stays and continues to be a drunken jackass. By enabling him and continuing this relationship,  you are telling your girls that men are allowed to treat women any way they want and we (women) have to deal with it. Please hear me from personal experience, staying together for the children or using them as an excuse because you’re afraid to leave is not in their best interest. Leave him. Quit playing the victim and stand up for yourself and your children ! You are not a victim in this day and age my dear! Take advantage and stand up for yourself and show them that you are strong! You are already their role model just be the one they deserve. See yourself the person you want them to become! Whether you see it or not, they model you already. Seek out help you if you’re afraid!
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Thank You for coming here to seek assistance.Are you in counseling?Have you attended any Al-Anon meetings in your area?If not please go! You will find many wives,partners and family members in the same dilemma you describe. who are trying not to enable and want a better life for themselves,their children and of course their loved one.You've made it clear he's presently refusing to admit his problem.No one can make another change who refuses to look at themselves.Please find a good licensed counselor who will validate your limit setting and be supportive.The company of others in Al-Anon is so comforting and necessary for you in seeing you're not alone in this!Please keep us posted !
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Thank you!
You are so very welcome!I'm coming up on 36 years sober and clean 11-22-19.Until I was ready to ADMIT I had a problem and made the committment to dealing with it,I too was like your husband.I had to take responsibility for creating distrust, and had to make amends to those I affected.I pray someday, he will do the same,but there are no guarantees on that as you well know.So in the meantime,you must do whats best for you and your children!Take Care!
Congrats on your 36 years sober! You know he does admit he is an alcoholic and tries to lessen the amount he drinks but it only last 1-2 weeks and only M-Th then goes back to drinking daily and hiding it, but after 16 years I know when he has had one beer. He will deny that’s he’s been drinking and it makes me even more upset. But I will take your advice and go to Al-Anon meeting soon. Thanks again, I will keep you posted!
I went through many failed episodes of "controlled" drinking and drug use,...THOUSANDS!Admitting is the first small step.........thank you for the Congrats.Its been a JOURNEY but well worth it!Please try a couple of Al-Anon meetings to find a good fit!I look forward to hearing from you here soon!
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