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My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?

I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly.  My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking.  If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention.  If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine.  Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper.  I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?

Regards, confusedangry
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Avatar universal
That's almost exactly my story. I was a heavy drinker for many years (beer only), and finally quit a couple of years ago when I noticed how out of control my wife's drinking was getting. I mean, falling down drunk.

My wife is a respected professional and a socially very nice person. Everyone thinks that the sun just shines out of her ***. But over the last five years, her drinking has become steadily worse. She was always a light drinker, but then hooked up with these church ladies, who I call the "wine *******" that get together for Bacchanalian "prayer meetings." The wine and vodka flowed freely. Since then, she is up to nearly a 1.75 liter bottle of Pinot Grigio every single day. My grown kids (18 and 19) have zero respect for her, and neither do I. She is not interested in discussing her problem, because like most raging alcoholics, she doesn't think she has one.

I shun any social gatherings where alcohol where be served, because she will be staggering and slurring along well before the affair ends. I have heard many comments from my own family about her inability to handle her drinking. I am angry and embarrassed, but I have a plan.

I will hang tight until my kids are out of college, and then I'm walking away without any further comment. She can keep the damn house and the damn dogs. I know that everything else will be whacked up (401k, etc) will be whacked up by the courts. But I will still have my sanity, my dignity, and maybe quite few good years left.      
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Avatar universal
I have precisely the same issue. I am a teetotaller so I noticed the problem very quickly. Sadly, as any psychologist will tell you, there is no solution for you other than to take your kids & leave her. You can't force her to attend rehab by law. There is essentially nothing you can do for her. Unless she accepts that she is an alcoholic she won't be able to help herself, either. Most alcoholics refuse to accept that they are, indeed, alcoholics. The chance of either of us sorting out our respective problems is so low as to make it not worth even bothering to think about. If you can afford to run two homes, leave now. Good luck.
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
So good to take a firm line Walter...life is too short and precious to waste...and the effects of this on young children...who grow into older children are devastating...something the alcoholic is completely blind too as well as their own sickness!
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12804353 tn?1427317314
I'd be extremely careful about the anger side of this.  Don't underestimate the power of it.  You sound like a nice guy and as a rule, and from my own experience as someone people see as "nice", most nice guys eat their pain - the pain, loss, sadness, abandonment, humiliation, and isolation that comes from living with (pardon my bluntness here) a narcissistic, self-serving, glutton.  My wife is 25 years into the behavior your dealing with.  She now hides here booze inside the house, outside the house, and in the neighborhood - so she can drink on her "walks."  I've tried absolutely everything mentioned here.  She's so sweet and nice and EVERYBODY loves her (oh yeah, she's also "disabled" by her various conditions).  The BEST think I've found is to get away.  That's my advise to you - even if  you have to live in the same house with her.  If she's acting goofy - leave and tell her you're not putting up with it and she can (1) if you're out, find her own way home, (2) pick herself up off the floor, (3) call her own ambulance, (4) sleep in her own room or the couch, (5) eat her own meals by herself ... don't eat anything she cooks.  If she doesn't work, take her access to credit and the bank account away.  Let her find her own money.  Just step away and start to live your own life.  Lock a door if you have to.  Go out with friends (don't drink or get high) - find a group of real (emphasis real) friends and hang with them doing fun stuff that's wholesome.  Take a vacation by yourself or with a good friend.  Go fishing.  Go camping.  Just get the heck away.  Take your kids!  Let her live in her stupor for a good long while and then when she cares enough about herself and her marriage to come to you (AFTER detox and rehab) ... then SLOWLY trust her on little things ... slowly!!!  Don't, repeat, don't have sex with her until she's clean for at least 6 months.  Just my opinion based on many wasted years of marriage to this addiction.
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Avatar universal
i understand your difficulty and pain, it's hard. I understand it from the other side though. I am an alcoholic. No one can know what it feels like when there is a controlling need for alcohol. Regardless of why we start, it grabs a hold of an alcoholic for the sake of the alcohol alone.

It WILL destroy her. It WILL kill her. If you love her, I would suggest presenting the one thing that will save her, and if you're lucky your marriage. Your kids will have a whole mother again if she agrees.

I will present these as absolutes because they are. She needs to be admitted to a detox facility (usually five to seven days). Immediately following that (immediately means the next day) inpatient rehab, usually two to four weeks. Then, a month of outpatient rehab. These are usually 12 step programs that have proven exceptionally effective. I have gone through these and they are the solution, but she has to be willing to do them. Maybe the threat of divorce.

That is for her, now you. I would strongly suggest you attend meetings of Al-Anon (a support group for families of alcoholics). You will learn more about your wife, how to deal with her, but more importantly, how to cope. I would suggest you commit to two months regardless of what your wife decides. This is very difficult, I know. It can be insidious and destroy a part of you inside. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. They will always need you.

Notes from an alcoholic.
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
From what you describe your boys wellbeing is better off with YOU!the longer they continue to live @ this insanity the more detrimental it will be to them...and you!
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