That's almost exactly my story. I was a heavy drinker for many years (beer only), and finally quit a couple of years ago when I noticed how out of control my wife's drinking was getting. I mean, falling down drunk.
My wife is a respected professional and a socially very nice person. Everyone thinks that the sun just shines out of her ***. But over the last five years, her drinking has become steadily worse. She was always a light drinker, but then hooked up with these church ladies, who I call the "wine *******" that get together for Bacchanalian "prayer meetings." The wine and vodka flowed freely. Since then, she is up to nearly a 1.75 liter bottle of Pinot Grigio every single day. My grown kids (18 and 19) have zero respect for her, and neither do I. She is not interested in discussing her problem, because like most raging alcoholics, she doesn't think she has one.
I shun any social gatherings where alcohol where be served, because she will be staggering and slurring along well before the affair ends. I have heard many comments from my own family about her inability to handle her drinking. I am angry and embarrassed, but I have a plan.
I will hang tight until my kids are out of college, and then I'm walking away without any further comment. She can keep the damn house and the damn dogs. I know that everything else will be whacked up (401k, etc) will be whacked up by the courts. But I will still have my sanity, my dignity, and maybe quite few good years left.
I have precisely the same issue. I am a teetotaller so I noticed the problem very quickly. Sadly, as any psychologist will tell you, there is no solution for you other than to take your kids & leave her. You can't force her to attend rehab by law. There is essentially nothing you can do for her. Unless she accepts that she is an alcoholic she won't be able to help herself, either. Most alcoholics refuse to accept that they are, indeed, alcoholics. The chance of either of us sorting out our respective problems is so low as to make it not worth even bothering to think about. If you can afford to run two homes, leave now. Good luck.
So good to take a firm line Walter...life is too short and precious to waste...and the effects of this on young children...who grow into older children are devastating...something the alcoholic is completely blind too as well as their own sickness!
I'd be extremely careful about the anger side of this. Don't underestimate the power of it. You sound like a nice guy and as a rule, and from my own experience as someone people see as "nice", most nice guys eat their pain - the pain, loss, sadness, abandonment, humiliation, and isolation that comes from living with (pardon my bluntness here) a narcissistic, self-serving, glutton. My wife is 25 years into the behavior your dealing with. She now hides here booze inside the house, outside the house, and in the neighborhood - so she can drink on her "walks." I've tried absolutely everything mentioned here. She's so sweet and nice and EVERYBODY loves her (oh yeah, she's also "disabled" by her various conditions). The BEST think I've found is to get away. That's my advise to you - even if you have to live in the same house with her. If she's acting goofy - leave and tell her you're not putting up with it and she can (1) if you're out, find her own way home, (2) pick herself up off the floor, (3) call her own ambulance, (4) sleep in her own room or the couch, (5) eat her own meals by herself ... don't eat anything she cooks. If she doesn't work, take her access to credit and the bank account away. Let her find her own money. Just step away and start to live your own life. Lock a door if you have to. Go out with friends (don't drink or get high) - find a group of real (emphasis real) friends and hang with them doing fun stuff that's wholesome. Take a vacation by yourself or with a good friend. Go fishing. Go camping. Just get the heck away. Take your kids! Let her live in her stupor for a good long while and then when she cares enough about herself and her marriage to come to you (AFTER detox and rehab) ... then SLOWLY trust her on little things ... slowly!!! Don't, repeat, don't have sex with her until she's clean for at least 6 months. Just my opinion based on many wasted years of marriage to this addiction.
i understand your difficulty and pain, it's hard. I understand it from the other side though. I am an alcoholic. No one can know what it feels like when there is a controlling need for alcohol. Regardless of why we start, it grabs a hold of an alcoholic for the sake of the alcohol alone.
It WILL destroy her. It WILL kill her. If you love her, I would suggest presenting the one thing that will save her, and if you're lucky your marriage. Your kids will have a whole mother again if she agrees.
I will present these as absolutes because they are. She needs to be admitted to a detox facility (usually five to seven days). Immediately following that (immediately means the next day) inpatient rehab, usually two to four weeks. Then, a month of outpatient rehab. These are usually 12 step programs that have proven exceptionally effective. I have gone through these and they are the solution, but she has to be willing to do them. Maybe the threat of divorce.
That is for her, now you. I would strongly suggest you attend meetings of Al-Anon (a support group for families of alcoholics). You will learn more about your wife, how to deal with her, but more importantly, how to cope. I would suggest you commit to two months regardless of what your wife decides. This is very difficult, I know. It can be insidious and destroy a part of you inside. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. They will always need you.
Notes from an alcoholic.
From what you describe your boys wellbeing is better off with YOU!the longer they continue to live @ this insanity the more detrimental it will be to them...and you!