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My wifes drinking makes me angry. How do I cope?

I need help with two things... How do I know if my wife has a drinking problem? How do I cope with my own anger over her drinking?
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 13 years. She is beautiful and kind. Everyone who knows her loves her. My wife left her career when the kids were born and our two daughters are now ages 11 and 13. I love my wife and kids dearly.  My wife is a stay at home mother and does so many things for the family that it makes me wonder if I should shut up and just be grateful for her consenting to marry me. I have no basis to decide if I am overreacting to her drinking and I have no way to determine if I am actually the root of the issue. However, one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.
She drinks a bottle of wine 4-5 nights a week. Once or twice a month she will open a second bottle, although, she doesn't do this as often as she has in the past. She buys bottles of wine several times a week and seems to plan trips to the supermarket to get herself a two or three day supply. If we run out of red wine, she drinks white wine. If we run out of white wine she drinks beer or a mixed drink. She packs beer and wine when we go on trips so she has it for the hotel room. When we go to dinner she has wine. I’ve noticed that she won’t go to a restaurant where she can’t get a drink.
During social events like weddings, family gatherings, and dinner parties she always drinks enough to slur her words, talk louder than most folks and be a bit unsteady on her feet. It usually takes 1 bottle of wine to get to this point. (This also happens to be the same state she is in during some weekday dinners in our own house.) This is the point where I begin to notice that other people have begun to notice that she is drinking quite a bit. I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see if she stops drinking.  If she drinks more than 1 bottle then the situation gets worse quickly.
Somewhere towards the end of the second bottle I become really embarrassed and want to escape. At this point she is talking louder than anyone at the gathering, broken out in a visible sweats and has become the center of attention.  If the host is serving coffee and desert, my wife will still be drinking wine.  Her behavior is clearly driven by the alcohol. Most folks at the event are aware and I begin to get looks from every direction. This is the point where I know that she will not slow the drinking and we are in for a long night. Beyond this point she will drink steadily until it is time to leave. I can’t remember her ever switching to water. It’s hard to generalize her behavior at this point other than to say that she will be the drunkest person at the wedding, dinner party or gathering. Throughout this entire period I have been looking for a chance to exit. There is a 50/50 chance that I can get her into the car without her calling me an anti-social party pooper loudly enough for folks to hear. It is like a switch goes off in her head and I become a target.
That is my angry button. When she has consumed enough alcohol for me to become an anti-social party pooper, I get angry. I do not like going to an event, babysitting my wife as she drinks, shrugging off the looks as people notice her situation, being called names, feeling humiliated and embarrassed, waiting for her to finish her party and then having to drive her home. The next morning she offers no apology. Either she actually believes that I was an antisocial party-pooper the night before or she doesn’t remember the evening.
The Company Christmas Party, family weddings, 4th of July celebration, vacations and our children’s dance competitions have all been occasions for her to drink the most. I am not against alcohol and having a good time. It has been my job over the years to driver her and the kids home safely. 80% of the time I will have no alcohol to drink at any gathering, 20% of the time I will nurse 1 drink all night knowing that it is my responsibility to drive. That is just how it ended up after all 13 years.
Perhaps, she is right and I am an antisocial party pooper.  I now routinely, turn down invitations to events where alcohol will be served and shy away from social events that have the potential to allow my wife to drink. In truth, I am writing this letter after fighting with my wife over a rejecting an invitation to a wine tasting event.
I went to 2 or 3 Al-anon meetings several years ago. It seems that the folks at the meeting had much worse situations. Is she an alcoholic? Is my anger appropriate? How can I get out of this situation? What should I do?

Regards, confusedangry
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Avatar universal
I keep finding empties hidden in her bags. When I confront her about it. She says she hides them because she knows I’d say something if the empty cans were in the trash can. She blacks out at night, with our 2 year old kid, she writes it off as being “tired.” I am already talking to my kid in a language I don’t really like, “that’s your Mom, drunk again,” My daughter’s 2 and doesn’t understand what I’m implying, or does she? You can never really tell at that age, but if I continue with this approach, and I know it is wrong, she will know soon enough.

What can I do?  
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Avatar universal
Well, reading all of that was depressing and enlightening all in one go.

My wife lies about drinking every day. It is especially bad when she says she hasn't had a drink when she's supposed to be working... that just pushes my button!

She's in bed now, drunk and feeling angry at me because she sees me as an obstacle to her drinking and feels I shouldn't tell her not to drink. She's right... I know I'm just wasting my time and my life
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2 Comments
Wow. I'm not alone. I have been married for almost 30 years and my wife's lying and alcohol addiction is ruining our marriage our lives and both of our health's. I NEVER see her drink but she keeps getting nastier and nastier and I just know that my night is going to be ugly. We are not taking beer or wine. Its absolute. Im at the end of my rope but not in the best of health. I feel trapped.
You should leave..
You can't waste away because of someone else's choices.
Avatar universal
Alcohol destroys so much .... :-(((
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Avatar universal
I am 66 been married 48 yrs.  10 yrs ago i lost one breast to cancer.  I have many side effects from surgeries and meds. I drink.  Mostly wine.  I have blacked out.  About 3 yrs ago hubby and i went to coast.  He wanted sex. Since cancer i burn down there and been to doctors trying to fix it.  I was drunk and got mad and yelled.  Manager called and said their was a complaint.  We didnt get kicked out.  Ever since then and there have been some black outs at home...he wont go anywhere...on vacation w me.  I have to stop drinking.  I have cut back.  So i cant leave either.  He blames 100% on my drinking.  Ps..we have $$$! He doesnt want to spend it on house repairs either.   He has RA and has walking issues too.  I was planning a trip where we would rent mobile wheelchairs...it is depressing...been wanting a separation for a long time.
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1 Comments
I am 66 been married 48 yrs.  10 yrs ago i lost one breast to cancer.  I have many side effects from surgeries and meds. I drink.  Mostly wine.  I have blacked out.  About 3 yrs ago hubby and i went to coast.  He wanted sex. Since cancer i burn down there and been to doctors trying to fix it.  I was drunk and got mad and yelled.  Manager called and said their was a complaint.  We didnt get kicked out.  Ever since then and there have been some black outs at home...he wont go anywhere...on vacation w me.  I have to stop drinking.  I have cut back.  So i cant leave either.  He blames 100% on my drinking.  Ps..we have $$$! He doesnt want to spend it on house repairs either.   He has RA and has walking issues too.  I was planning a trip where we would rent mobile wheelchairs...it is depressing...been wanting a separation for a long time. Its not picking between the drinking and him....thats not fair...there is a reason for drinking.  Hubby sick....he is always right...doesnt like vacationing....is a hoarder
Avatar universal
It is like you are describing my situation. My wife has the same alcohol problem.  As usual she came home drunk tonight, at 11.00 PM. It hurts me to see her drunk. I am a university lecturer and my students see her in the drunk state. She doesn't keep quiet when when she's drunk. She abuses me, most vulgar. It is embarrassing.
We often fight, in front of our children. Then she shouts on top of her voice, and neighbours come to watch the drama. I have been angry but reading through the posts here, I am now moved from angry to sad.
my daughter is 21, my son is 19, both at varsity. I know it is so hard for them. My daughter is on her mum's side, thinks it is her mum's right to drink. The boy is embarrassed.

I love my wife. Could never imagine that my family would be in such a situation.  But lo and behold. I am sad and confused.

She drinks every day, more than six beers.  And no one will stop her. I complained to her parents but this has not helped.
On Xmas, she got so drunk at our country home and village women came to watch the otherwise respectable wife of a lecture, now talking like real drunkard.  I was embarrassed,  and this has now become routine.
I have noted that we are many going through such bad situation. For the sake of my children and my dear wife whom I love so much I will hang in there.  I keep praying about it.
I will also try talking to her when she is sober. Should I convene a meeting between us and her father.
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Avatar universal
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Avatar universal
Wow I have the same issue....my wife is an alcoholic....it's been a long time since she's chosen me over the alcohol. ...it's have tried so hard over the past few years to not be angry....to try to justify her drinking lord knows I know she works hard and I never want to begrudge her a night out with friends but she doesn't know when to stop.....she drinks and drinks....she just got a Dui last week and I swear to god it seems like she's mad at me for it. Whether there's an us at the end of this road or not hopefully she will now believe me and get the help she needs. I feel your pain...I love my girl with all my heart.
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Avatar universal
It breaks my heart and brings me to tears reading your stories.
I wish I could just wrap my arms around you all and say it will be ok.
It is comforting to know personally I'm not suffering alone.
The insane rage feeling, helpless ness and pain you go through when you watch your loved one drink and drink until they are an absolute stumbling, passed out mess.
The chaos it causes.
The threats and name calling, bashing texts to him on his phone
Then locking him out and chasing him, yelling and wanting to physically abuse him over the intense anger of how he can selfishly just take off and be gone for hours upon hours drinking.
Why does he need and want to spend all this time talking, hanging out with these people/neighbors? Why does he need to be the life of the party, "look at me" I hate it!
So many nights I've cried and cried myself to sleep to wake up at 1, 2, 3 am still no husband home from partying.
It's so hard because one just can't walk away
When you love someone so much and you have children, a household a life of years of marriage
It is the most devastating and depressed way of living.  You carry around this sadness with you every moment.
And always waiting until Friday night,, nervous anxiety sets it as the end of the workweek begins.
It's party time yet again.  
Softball game=beer, boating=beer social events, BBQ's=beer
Not a few then home but many 20-30
I mean a lot
I really don't count anymore...
After 20 years I can start to see the impact financial burdens are starting to set in now
I tried to leave last year by following through with my threat, attorneys $ brief separation but then
The fear sets in... It's so hard
Your children are mad at you because your breaking up the family, blame you...
It's a double edged sword..
Enough with my marathon...
I always read these but never comment
When I saw that a husband wrote about his wife and others commented with their stories too
I saw it can be the other way around
The one similarity is the addiction, male or female the disease is still the same.
Thanks for taking the time to read...
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
Have u talked w/her @ seeking help?if so,does she accept or reject the idea?Are their children involved?
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16124421 tn?1477959420
Hi all
I'm from Australia and I can relate with the stories here. My wife has started drinking heavily for the last 5 years 1-2 bottles a night. I'm a broken man. I'm ready to just give it away I think. I'm angry beyond description. No one seems to be able to say anything that helps. I feel there is no hope
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
Robin Williams had the cards stacked against him.....bi-polar,anxiety,chemically dependent then Parkinsons. THEN on top of ALL that a dx of Lewy Body Dementia:(i understand why he took his life.My mom was tortured by it for 15 years.It destroyed her.He knew what the end of it would be and i'm glad he didn't end up like my mom who finally passed in 2014.My dayjob is substance abuse counselor for the past 30 years.I watch ppl who've been thru numerous rehabs w/loads of family support drink/drug.I watch the same w/the opiate/heroin addicts who lose SO much in life and continue to chase heroin.My dear friend of 30 years has a son and his GF who've been shooting heroin for 3 years.She has custody of her  5 year old grandson and the girl is 4 months pregnant,Both in good treatment programs and continue to shoot heroin!What can an adult do?Live their lives as best they can and their children...or loved ones will have to deal w/the consequences of their poor choices!Either ppl have to WANT recovery...or they don't...it is a black and white issue.It was for me!And those SERIOUS @ theirs have made it so for them!
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Avatar universal
You are right. I just wish I could have at least gotten her into rehab one time through a forced intervention. It would have been very difficult because she was stubborn and kept telling me she felt *fine* as she turned yellow. I probably would have ended up being a full time babysitter and you just can't live like that. She lost her marriage, home and job at the same time. Maybe the stress was too much. I found a note to her ex husband where she said she was too old to start all over again like he was doing. Look at Jim Carey's girlfriend - recent suicide. Amy Winehouse - vodka suicide. Robin Williams - alcohol, depression, belt around neck suicide. Sometimes the demons win and that's just the way it is.
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thank You for posting!You went thru H! and back with this woman!Many here try to intervene,try to get help for their loved ones.BUT when many have been thru rehab,many a time PLUS and still choose to drink and or drug,there isn't much that can be done unless you become an adult babysitter 24/7.I've been sober and clean 31 years now.My brother lovingly intervened on me years back and I must've been ready for my 25 day inpatient stint took hold as well as 12 step attendance and finding the right ppl in recovery.
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Avatar universal
My girlfriend was 43 and passed away earlier this year from the disease - liver completely destroyed. She was with me for 3 years. Was bright, had an MBA and making 200K when with her husband. Husband divorced, lost her job and then her house in the divorce.
Came with me and I saw the drinking but had no idea how bad it would get. She was drinking straight vodka at 7 AM. Would take naps every day - 3-4 hours - at 4 PM and then get up and drink some more. Ran her fancy car into the concrete pole at the gas station. Came home one time and parked in the neighbor's driveway at noon. Went through 5 Parkway tolls without paying one time and slept somewhere in her car when she couldn't find her way back here. If I touched the vodka she would hold a steak knife to my eye and threatened to stab me. Went out in her car one day and told me 'something happened." What happened was she was getting gas and picked up a sharp-looking guy in the car behind her and went behind a building in his SUV and had sex. Also had around 150K worth of clothes in storage bins and in my house -  most with the tags still on and was still buying more stuff just like it. It was a total nightmare and I could do nothing about it. I asked her, "Is this what you want to do all day, sit here and get drunk?" She said "Yes, now go die someplace." It wasn't like this in the beginning. I tried everything to stop this when the disease showed itself but I failed. After seeing this beautiful woman destroy herself I want to say this: Yes, you people are right, they have to want to stop. But, guess what? Some of them can't and you just can't sit there and watch the destruction. I found out about the Marchman Act and the Baker Act after she died. These people need to be taken in against their will and it's the only chance. Yes, I know the relapse rate is off the charts but so what? The success rate for voluntary and involuntary rehab is close to the same according to what I could dig up. At least they have some kind of chance. Let them get drunk every day and you'll be visiting the cemetery. Yes, involuntary commitment to a facility is extremely difficult but after what I lived through and witnessed i see no other choice. The person is mentally ill with "wet brain" from the poison and has no idea what planet they're on. How can they be "ready to stop" when they are out of their minds in many cases? Think about it. If you look out your front window and you see somebody banging his head against a telephone pole do you just sit there until he drops dead or do you call a mental health official because it's blatantly obvious the person is sick in the head?
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Avatar universal
I wish there would be an easy solution to this problem :-((( seems drinking is easier than not drinking for many
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Avatar universal
Reading these posts has given me a little relief knowing that im not the only one in this situation. Im 37 and im quite certain my wife has a drinking problem. She will use any excuse possible to leave the house and drink. Today was mothers day and we have 2 kids 6 and 11. I was in a bad mood already because when i got home from a very stressful day at work and had to drive through tornados to get home. I come in to find the house in a total mess and the wife and her friend are drunk and letting the 6 year old draw all over himself with a sharpie permanent marker. The 11 year old becomes very defient when his mom is drunk. So she passes out everywhere. We go to see live music and she passes out sitting in a chair in the middle of everyone. I use to help her get up and go home, but i don't anymore. I just leave her be. Anyways, i dumped out a bunch of her wine on friday night when she passed out, so when she came to she called our neighbor to bring her some vodka. She hid this in our bedroom night stand. So on mothers day i could tell she was totally bummed out because what she really wanted to do was go have drinks on some patio somewhere and me and the kids just wanted her to go do something fun with her. So what ended up happening was she went "shopping" by herself for a few hours. When she got home she was well on her way to being drunk. For the rest of the day she kept going back to our room and drinking the hidden bottle of vodka. Im really getting very tired of this routine.
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Avatar universal
That's almost exactly my story. I was a heavy drinker for many years (beer only), and finally quit a couple of years ago when I noticed how out of control my wife's drinking was getting. I mean, falling down drunk.

My wife is a respected professional and a socially very nice person. Everyone thinks that the sun just shines out of her ***. But over the last five years, her drinking has become steadily worse. She was always a light drinker, but then hooked up with these church ladies, who I call the "wine *******" that get together for Bacchanalian "prayer meetings." The wine and vodka flowed freely. Since then, she is up to nearly a 1.75 liter bottle of Pinot Grigio every single day. My grown kids (18 and 19) have zero respect for her, and neither do I. She is not interested in discussing her problem, because like most raging alcoholics, she doesn't think she has one.

I shun any social gatherings where alcohol where be served, because she will be staggering and slurring along well before the affair ends. I have heard many comments from my own family about her inability to handle her drinking. I am angry and embarrassed, but I have a plan.

I will hang tight until my kids are out of college, and then I'm walking away without any further comment. She can keep the damn house and the damn dogs. I know that everything else will be whacked up (401k, etc) will be whacked up by the courts. But I will still have my sanity, my dignity, and maybe quite few good years left.      
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Avatar universal
I have precisely the same issue. I am a teetotaller so I noticed the problem very quickly. Sadly, as any psychologist will tell you, there is no solution for you other than to take your kids & leave her. You can't force her to attend rehab by law. There is essentially nothing you can do for her. Unless she accepts that she is an alcoholic she won't be able to help herself, either. Most alcoholics refuse to accept that they are, indeed, alcoholics. The chance of either of us sorting out our respective problems is so low as to make it not worth even bothering to think about. If you can afford to run two homes, leave now. Good luck.
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
So good to take a firm line Walter...life is too short and precious to waste...and the effects of this on young children...who grow into older children are devastating...something the alcoholic is completely blind too as well as their own sickness!
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12804353 tn?1427317314
I'd be extremely careful about the anger side of this.  Don't underestimate the power of it.  You sound like a nice guy and as a rule, and from my own experience as someone people see as "nice", most nice guys eat their pain - the pain, loss, sadness, abandonment, humiliation, and isolation that comes from living with (pardon my bluntness here) a narcissistic, self-serving, glutton.  My wife is 25 years into the behavior your dealing with.  She now hides here booze inside the house, outside the house, and in the neighborhood - so she can drink on her "walks."  I've tried absolutely everything mentioned here.  She's so sweet and nice and EVERYBODY loves her (oh yeah, she's also "disabled" by her various conditions).  The BEST think I've found is to get away.  That's my advise to you - even if  you have to live in the same house with her.  If she's acting goofy - leave and tell her you're not putting up with it and she can (1) if you're out, find her own way home, (2) pick herself up off the floor, (3) call her own ambulance, (4) sleep in her own room or the couch, (5) eat her own meals by herself ... don't eat anything she cooks.  If she doesn't work, take her access to credit and the bank account away.  Let her find her own money.  Just step away and start to live your own life.  Lock a door if you have to.  Go out with friends (don't drink or get high) - find a group of real (emphasis real) friends and hang with them doing fun stuff that's wholesome.  Take a vacation by yourself or with a good friend.  Go fishing.  Go camping.  Just get the heck away.  Take your kids!  Let her live in her stupor for a good long while and then when she cares enough about herself and her marriage to come to you (AFTER detox and rehab) ... then SLOWLY trust her on little things ... slowly!!!  Don't, repeat, don't have sex with her until she's clean for at least 6 months.  Just my opinion based on many wasted years of marriage to this addiction.
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Avatar universal
i understand your difficulty and pain, it's hard. I understand it from the other side though. I am an alcoholic. No one can know what it feels like when there is a controlling need for alcohol. Regardless of why we start, it grabs a hold of an alcoholic for the sake of the alcohol alone.

It WILL destroy her. It WILL kill her. If you love her, I would suggest presenting the one thing that will save her, and if you're lucky your marriage. Your kids will have a whole mother again if she agrees.

I will present these as absolutes because they are. She needs to be admitted to a detox facility (usually five to seven days). Immediately following that (immediately means the next day) inpatient rehab, usually two to four weeks. Then, a month of outpatient rehab. These are usually 12 step programs that have proven exceptionally effective. I have gone through these and they are the solution, but she has to be willing to do them. Maybe the threat of divorce.

That is for her, now you. I would strongly suggest you attend meetings of Al-Anon (a support group for families of alcoholics). You will learn more about your wife, how to deal with her, but more importantly, how to cope. I would suggest you commit to two months regardless of what your wife decides. This is very difficult, I know. It can be insidious and destroy a part of you inside. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. They will always need you.

Notes from an alcoholic.
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
From what you describe your boys wellbeing is better off with YOU!the longer they continue to live @ this insanity the more detrimental it will be to them...and you!
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Avatar universal
Just got to the end of the tread and now im alone again, My wife is in the other room drunk from too much wine, my two boys aged 12 and 13 are at a friends for the night.
She loves them so very much but cannot see the harm that her drinking is causing all of us.
Its the night before christmas and we just agreed we will be breaking up our household, I am sooooo scared for my boys wellbeing... Help help help!!!!!!!!
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Avatar universal
You will never understand how much what you wrote helped me...Our stories are almost identical ...Thank you. ;)
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