Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Not looking for answers....just support - my story

I am the wife of a chronic alcoholic. We will be married 22 years in July. We moved from MN to OH in 2011 after his dad "kicked" us off the farm we were living on (his dad owned it) to see if AH would make any kind of positive changes in his life.

He proceeded to get a DUI and ended up in jail for 3 months, so I had to make the move to OH without him with our then 8 year old daughter and pets of various types and sizes.

When he got out of jail it took him several more weeks to get it together to pack up the rest of the farmhouse and head out to OH. The day he got out of jail he bought a drink. He has been in and out of detox at least 50 times throughout our marriage. Inpatient rehab 4 times and countless times to just the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital due to whatever ailment he decided he was having because there was no way he was going to ever blame this on the alcohol.

His last trip to the hospital to "dry out" was January 11th and he demanded to be released only 2 days later, at which point he went back to his destructive lifestyle minus the drinking. But cocaine and weed were in the mix. On February 15 he started drinking again. He stopped going out every night because he wont drink and drive at least. Well once he starts drinking he stops doing anything else. So he would sleep in his chair and once the chair became too uncomfortable, he moved to the couch, and that is where he has been since March.

The last 10 weeks have been rough. He has mobility issues to begin with, so he uses a cane. When the cane got too hard for him to use he purchased a walker. Now he wont even get up. He is wearing Depends. He pees in the urinals. His behavior has become inappropriate. He hired a "housekeeper/caregiver" to come over 2ce a week, but once he made inappropriate comments to her, she quit. His hands are "tingling" non stop. He is having a very hard time sleeping, and when he does sleep, his dreams are very vivid and weird. His short term memory is completely gone. He doesnt know if it is day or night. He asks me the same questions over and over again and tells me the same stories over and over again. I have not seen yellow skin or eyes, but the eyes are glazed over. He has lost all muscle mass. He was an overweight 230 lbs for his height this time last year. If he is even 150 lbs now I would be surprised. When I was helping him sit up the other night I put my hands around his leg and there was a huge gap.

I have been doing A LOT of research lately of what to expect and what to prepare myself for, as I know his days are numbered.

I finally called one of his brothers to let him know what is going on. My biggest fear in talking to him was being judged for my "role" in AH's life - if you will. But his brother was more than supportive and made sure I did not feel judged. He said in fact that the only anger he has ever had for me was for not leaving the marriage!

We have 1 daughter. She is 12 and keeps me busy with her activities and being a pre-teen. She is a figure skater, she plays the flute and violin and is really big into Anime and video games. NO BOYS YET thank goodness! Starting today I have her walking home to a friend's house instead of coming home after school. I am scared of what she might find. She is 12. I don't want her to grow up any faster than she already has had to.

I suffer from chronic migraine - meaning I have a headache LITERALLY every.single.day. I am currently in a research trial trying a drug that might help, but so far it has not. While the stress in my life does not help the headaches, it certainly is not the cause of it, as I have had these headaches my entire life.

I think that is all I have for now. I found this forum through Google when I asked "how much time does he have left" or something like that, and I read a thread in this community started by Tinker35. I think I need to be here right now.

I have tried Alanon several times and even had a sponsor in MN. My sponsor turned on me and started passing judgement. I never went back. I have 3 sisters and my dad and a lot of friends here. I am not willing to give Alanon another try.


L.
25 Responses
3060903 tn?1398565123
Hope your having a blast and four wheeling for us all. Thinking of you and the family.
Liz
3060903 tn?1398565123
Sorry you're experience with Alanon was not one that you valued.

I know you say you're not looking for answers, but i'm wondering if you might consider a suggestion for your daughter.

There are groups of Alateen, for kids to talk about how they feel about an alcoholic parent. There are even online group available.

Obviously your daughter will not be made to feel guilty for choosing to handle the situation as you have, as that was not her position in the family.

She may get a lot out of knowing other kids that are going through the same thing that she is, especially since it is likely that she will lose her dad at home to end stage alcoholism.

It is a fact that children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholic themselves, or marry into addiction. I think that your attention at this point should be to nudge your daughter (without the benefit of your personal experience) into a situation where she feels she can talk about how this has affected her. In a place where she can be honest, and not have to worry about how her words, and feelings are going to affect you.

I would definitely suggest that you set up an appointment with a good  Child Psychologist.

The fact is, that your child and her last few years at home should be your main concern. I appreciate that you are having her go to a friends house, rather than to take a chance of walking in on her dad sick or passed on.
But, you cannot spare her from the final stage of this disease. And she will not be treated or "judged" harshly for anything that she might or might or might not have done, since she was not the adult in the situation.  

It would be great if you could provide a safe place for her to reach out to others that know about what she's feeling (child psychologist) and how she feels (other teens going through what she's gone through).

I'm not saying that you should feel guilty about your choices here. I'm just saying that your daughter won't experience what you do when finally reaching out for help.

Teach your child that she can think independently, and that she can reach out to "professionals" that are there to help her through the hard times in her life. We teach our children to fly, away from the nest (in a safe manner) The best parents are the ones that know that a child needs other trusted adults in their lives to mentor them (some that have a Child Psychology degree, to be more specific).

I'm sorry that you are now dealing with end stage alcoholism.  I'm sure that your husband is appreciative, when he can be. I hope he doesn't suffer too much, and that you can keep strong through to the end.If you want to talk, i'd be happy to oblige.

Liz
3060903 tn?1398565123
Sorry if i repeated myself. It's hard to edit everything in these little tiny boxes.lol
Avatar universal
Thanks for your comments.  I have asked her numerous times about going to alateen or talking to a counselor.  She doesn't want to have anything to do with it.  I explained to her that she is in a safe place with other kids who know how she feels. But still.... She gets very upset when I try to discuss it with her.

I have encouraged her to talk to the guidance counselor at school. She had a particularly rough day one day last week and broke down and went to the guidance counselor and talked about alot of stuff about her dad and home life.  I was so glad she did. I followed up with a quick email to the guidance counselor to thank her and she told me she was glad my daughter finally did come talk to her. She has also told a few of her  closest friends about her dad.  I told her that was fine.  That's what friends are for after all... and I am glad to know she is building strong friendships at this age.

I worry a lot about what she is going through. Taking care of her and making sure she is safe is my first priority. Love that kid lots.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm glad that you two are so close, and super glad that your daughter felt able to reach out. No doubt because you let her know it was okay. So, good job Mom. I'm really sorry that you're going through such pain right now. God knows This Too Shall Pass. I pray for your husband's health, and your spirit.
Liz
Avatar universal
Thanks Liz.  I also talked to his younger brother yesterday. It went much better than I thought it would. I'm just so full of anxiety and unnecessary guilt.

I know the three c's.  I didn't cause this.  I can't control it and I know I can't cure it.  But I will always have in my mind that everyone is saying behind my back that I could have or should have done more. That if only I had put my foot down just a little bit more then he wouldn't be in this state.

I come home full of anxiety wondering what I will find when I walk in the house. I'm getting very little sleep because he keeps waking me up for something or another.

One of my friends invited me to go four wheeling on Sunday do I think I am going to go.  I need a break. And it sounds like carefree fun.

My daughter has a research paper due tomorrow and she got it written but didn't get to the works cited page.  It was late and so I told her to go to bed and I would put it together for her.  It took me 2 more hours because I had to figure out the way it needed to be done.  I can't even imagine how long it would have taken a 12 year old with no attention span!

All is finally quiet in the house.  I think I will try to get some sleep.
6990909 tn?1435275816
Prayers out to you Skatemom.  You are fighting the fight for you and your daughter and you are AMAZING!  Keep the focus on her and how she is managing...she is giving you the cues and you are reading them.  You are a strong lady in a very difficult situation.
Prayers out to you!
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
MEGA positive energy out to you in a most trying situation!You've taken too much but handled it like the strong woman you are. Google the poem Comes the Dawn and you'll see!
Avatar universal
Thanks for the positive feedback about my parenting.  I really appreciate it. I read the poem and it brought tears to my eyes.

I have been dealing with the drinking for the better part of 20 years and I still find it amazing that the exact way I feel can be summed up in a poem,  or explained by someone the exact same way I would have.  It is comforting to know that there are a lot of people out there who totally get what I feel.

He spoke of the hospital this evening... Just like he does every night.  I asked him when he thought he might want to go and he said "at the last possible minute.  I don't  want those A-holes taking care of me".

I know how to pick my battles so I didn't comment.

I'm glad the work week is over. Hopefully I can sleep in tomorrow.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I hope you have a restful and lovely weekend., and still manage to go on Sunday. i've never gone 4 wheeling, but it sure looks fun.
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
I hope...just for a few hours...when you're on that 4 wheeler....your mind will be free and and the dog chasing its tail thoughts dissipate....for that moment!:)this man does not deserve YOU!how he wastes life!just this morning i read an obituary of a 32 year old woman who died from ALS...very accomplished in life,so many things she didn't get to finish...what she most likely would give to have the breath he is NOW wasting!sigh!
Avatar universal
It just figures I got sick over the weekend. I think it was allergies more than anything, but good grief!

So I will reschedule with my friend. He told me to stay home and get rest. His fiance killed herself several years ago. She overdosed but it was the alcohol that drove her to it. He knows all too well what my days are like.

I hate hearing the stories of the people who die way too young and have so much going for them.

We had a friend many years ago, he got caught in flood waters where a ditch washed out. His car landed on top of another car. They only found the second car because they found him. Both of them died.

I remember my husband holding his head way back them saying it should have been him and not this other guy. He knew back then how much he was wasting his life on this addiction. I remember telling him to make some sense of the tragedy and work towards making his life better. Obviously he never did.

Yesterday, as I was changing his pants for him he said yet again "what has my life become" I told him it was the same as it was when he said that the day before that, and the day before that. He is just feeling sorry for  himself anymore and not trying to anything about it. He has given up.

For those of you battling this disease and working hard to stay sober I congratulate you. For those of you stumbling along the way, I congratulate you for not giving up. Keep it up! You are all doing great. If you don't think you can do it, I know you can, because you wouldn't be on this forum working so hard otherwise.

L.

Avatar universal
Haha. I have no idea how I checked this one to make it the best comment. LOL.

L.
7052683 tn?1392938795
Sometimes when your world is so screwed up---Going four-wheeling and having a blast, and forgetting everything else ......IS THE BEST ANSWER!!!!
3060903 tn?1398565123
haha that made me laugh. Thanks btw, it really made my day. :)

Good to know you've got a pal out there, and especially one that understands. How sad for him to lose his fiance to an overdose. It simply boggles the mind how senseless all of this loss is, doesn't it? I think the hardest thing of all to take is the fact that people can't get talk therapy (even here in Canada) without paying through the nose. There are so many simple underlying issues that could be addressed and worked on, and so much of addiction would be nipped in the bud.

Why can't there be a Psychologists Without Pay program out there?  It could be incorporated into any college or university course, and allow these kids getting their degrees some major hands on action in the work force. It would help to balance out a heavy academic schedule. It's a crying' shame is what it is.

I had to shake my head when you wrote that your husband asked "what his life had become?" with You changing His pants ~ typical alcoholic mindset only thinking of themselves (ourselves) instead of the other guy. He's a lucky man to have you. I'm in my mid 50's and the other day Gerry and I were talking about what we'd do if one got sick enough to be bedridden and in need of that kind of care.The jury's still out.


3060903 tn?1398565123
haha that made me laugh. Thanks btw, it really made my day. :)

Good to know you've got a pal out there, and especially one that understands. How sad for him to lose his fiance to an overdose. It simply boggles the mind how senseless all of this loss is, doesn't it? I think the hardest thing of all to take is the fact that people can't get talk therapy (even here in Canada) without paying through the nose. There are so many simple underlying issues that could be addressed and worked on, and so much of addiction would be nipped in the bud.

Why can't there be a Psychologists Without Pay program out there?  It could be incorporated into any college or university course, and allow these kids getting their degrees some major hands on action in the work force. It would help to balance out a heavy academic schedule. It's a crying' shame is what it is.

I had to shake my head when you wrote that your husband asked "what his life had become?" with You changing His pants ~ typical alcoholic mindset only thinking of themselves (ourselves) instead of the other guy. He's a lucky man to have you. I'm in my mid 50's and the other day Gerry and I were talking about what we'd do if one got sick enough to be bedridden and in need of that kind of care.The jury's still out.


Avatar universal
His urine is getting darker and he is peeing less. He is sleeping more and more. I keep checking him to make sure he is breathing.

When my daughter and I got home from the skating rink there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and a fire truck on our street. BUT they were not in front of our house.

A bit of a funny little story....on Sunday he requested that I help him walk outside and climb up into his race car to see if the seat is adjusted properly. LOL I laughed right in his face and told him if he can get up and walk himself to the bathroom I would most certainly walk him out to the race car.

He did not budge.

I try to find the humor in things. It's what helps me cope.
Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm smiling here....GO SKATEMOM!:)and keep it up.....smiling is essential for keeping whats left of your sanity!
Avatar universal
I took the day off but didn't tell my husband so i got to sleep in.  Lol.  Now that he knows I am home I am screwed.  But at least I got to sleep in!
3060903 tn?1398565123
Glad to hear it that you looked after you, for awhile anyways. I'm all for beauty sleep. Well i guess yours is more about sanity sleep. Good for you.
3060903 tn?1398565123
The weekend is here again, hope you get out and take some time for yourself. with a friend. maybe 4 wheeling this weekend?
Avatar universal
This is a busy weekend. No rest for the weary.  It is the weekend of the ice show at the rink where she skates.  So there have been rehearsals every night this week.  The show is Friday night and Saturday night.  My daughter is in 4 numbers so she has a lot of costume changes.  I also have to help a couple of the other girls change.

My dad and 2 of my sisters are coming to the show tonight.

On top of that there is an anime convention that my daughter wanted to go to since last year.  Of course it is the same weekend. She wanted to play with the anime orchestra. So we have the convention in the morning and the ice show in the evening.

Then the rest of the summer there is nothing.

I'm wiped out.  AH woke me up at least 3 times overnight. He just fell off the couch.  So i had to change him and get him  back up on the couch.  I am wondering how much longer I can do this. At some point I suppose I will need to put him in a facility if they will take him.
Avatar universal
This is a busy weekend. No rest for the weary.  It is the weekend of the ice show at the rink where she skates.  So there have been rehearsals every night this week.  The show is Friday night and Saturday night.  My daughter is in 4 numbers so she has a lot of costume changes.  I also have to help a couple of the other girls change.

My dad and 2 of my sisters are coming to the show tonight.

On top of that there is an anime convention that my daughter wanted to go to since last year.  Of course it is the same weekend. She wanted to play with the anime orchestra. So we have the convention in the morning and the ice show in the evening.

Then the rest of the summer there is nothing.

I'm wiped out.  AH woke me up at least 3 times overnight. He just fell off the couch.  So i had to change him and get him  back up on the couch.  I am wondering how much longer I can do this. At some point I suppose I will need to put him in a facility if they will take him.
Avatar universal
He was "fine" when i left for work this  morning if you consider what our new normal is as fine.  Now i am sitting in the hospital waiting to see ehat my next new normal is.  While  we were waiting for them to come with the tests he had a seizure.  So i am waiting.  Freaking out.
2
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Alcoholism Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
Nebulae, OH
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
For people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the COVID-19 pandemic can be particularly challenging.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.