105 days ago I thought sobriety was scary. Scratch that. I thought sobriety was terrifying; that's a little better, I'd like something stronger, but short of expletives, nothing comes to mind.
Why was I afraid? Because I didn't know what to expect. How could I? for the better part of the last 25+ years I had been drunk. And I don't mean a little drunk, tipsy or something, I mean fall down, sloppy, pass out, wet yourself drunk. You know how hard it is to explain rug burns on your forehead to work the next day?
What's scary to me now is, well drunk. I never want a drop of alcohol again. Ever. Oh, sure there are moments, late at night for example, that I think, "man, it sure would be nice to knock a few back, you know, just to help me sleep." But I know I can't. I do believe that all things are (or can be) good in moderation, I don't think alcohol is inherently evil, the problem is me. For me there is no such thing as moderation. It's all or nothin'.
I could say alcohol wrecked my life, but that wouldn't be true. Alcohol can't do it alone. It need's to have an active participant, a partner if you will. That participant was me.
The amount of damage and misery I've caused along the way is shameful.
My family- I have a wonderful family; they have, and continue to, always be there for me. Any man that has a family like mine should consider themself lucky. Yet for the last 25+/- years I've embarresed them, worried them, financially drained them.
My career- I start a new job on Monday, at a company I want to work for, in the position I want; the position didn't exsist, they are actually creating it around me. How cool is that? My former job...great job, great position, exactly what I wanted to be doing, excellent money (way more than I could ever dreamed of making), bonus every year, that, if I met my goal, which I never once failed to do, was equal to 20% of my salary, four miles from my house, good benefits (heck, I got over 5 weeks of vacation); and, although I didn't think so at the time, in retrospect, me & the Captian shared the blame for my termination.
Relationships- Or one in particular; I was involved with a woman that was the love of my life. I was crazy in love with her. Head over heels in love. I thoght the sun and moon rose and set because of her. She treated me so well, took me exotic places, exposed me to culture, broadened my horizens, all and all made me a better person. She asked me to quit drinking so much. begged me. tried, over an over and over again and again. Did I? Nope. I'd try, a little. I'd pretend I was trying. We'd fight. I'd apologize, We'd fight again, I'd apologize. 13 years we were in this relationship, she finally had it, and walked away. I don't blame her, she should have done it sooner, much, much sooner. The amount of sheer misery I causer her alone is unforgivable. We still talk a couple of times a year, I will never forgive myself.
I geuss my point was, I'm getting my life back together, I'm glad to be sober, and I am finally at a point that I am doing it for me.