Too Frightened

[Beanie0]

When I think about my problem with alcohol I enter into a deep dark endless hole.  I don't have any belief what so ever that I can win over this problem.  I am tied up with endless anxiety/fear.  I hate the 'hold' drink has over me, my mind, body and soul just begs for it, wether I like it or not.  I am so frighted - anybody got a magic wand to make me feel better.  Am I alone with the fear that has practically got me surrendering into the belief that I won't beat my alcoholism?

[Beanie0]

I like photography.  I enjoy music and singing; I performed in a choir for 18 years.  I enjoy Christianity, I have been able to obtain some positives from my faith.  When I am a little more well, I like to go swimming - I used to belong to a swimming club when I was young.  My swimming helped my mobility.  I used a wheel chair for 3yrs after my 'accident', but was lucky to progress forward with my mobility and not need it anymore.  Excuse my spelling e.t.c. - am feeling fuzzy headed at the moment.  What do you enjoy doing?  Beanie0

[dominosarah]

Beanie, are you seeing a therapist?  You have so much emotional pain and the alcohol is adding to this.  Drinking and cutting yourself is very dangerous.  What are some things you like to do?  Talents?  

[Beanie0]

Hello there.  I drink to ease anxiety, to ease physical pain, it makes food nicer to eat, to help depression, to get a quick sugar fix, to escape from life in general, because I enjoy the taste, to relax, to change my mind state, I sometimes drink to ease boredom, to help me cut deeper when I self-harm so I can receive a full sense of release without being held back.
Well, these are some of the reasons why I drink.  I had a rush of thoughts regarding the question, so I struggled to answer it with much clarity.  I am not drunk at the moment though.  Thank you for asking me the question as I haven't really answered it in my own mind before.
Beanie0

[Vanessa012]

Well just know you are not the first person to face their problem with drinking. I just hope you don't sell yourself short. You don't need to end up in a hospital, institution or jail for the drink. It is cunning and baffling and will keep you in its chains until you decide to break free.

[dominosarah]

What are your reasons for drinking Beanie?

[Beanie0]

Thank you for your replies.  My drinking problem is something I find hard to face.  I understand that I am being immature.  It seems I'm not yet ready to take responsibility for the problem.  This must annoy people, and I'm sorry.  Please understand that what you say to me is not a waste of time.  I want to get better, but can only absorb small mouthfuls of help at present.  Even when you are not facing up to a problem properly - it still hurts.

[Vanessa012]

And you CAN beat the obsession. Just ask yourself: am I willing? I don't believe that anyone with a drinking problem is ever rendered white as snow-or "cured", but we can commence to live life free of alcohol if we are willing. God bless.

[Vanessa012]

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to make us suddenly normal and okay. Trust me, I wish there were. When I realized I needed to stop drinking, just a day of not touching anything seemed like an eternity. And I, like you, wanted all the pain to go away as immediately as possible. I didn't want to feel anything. I already felt awful when I was drunk-once I stopped I wanted to be okay. But as I said, it is a process.

Drinking left a hole in me that I longed to fill. And to be honest, my AA home group gave me that when I first got sober. The group kept me together. They invited me to go do things with them so I would't be home alone obsessing over drinking. They pushed me to work on myself. They were there to listen when I thought nobody would. And they all knew exactly what I was experiencing and helped me through it.

You don't have to be alone. You don't have to continue drinking either. This is what worked for me-and I was truly hopeless. I believe that if someone like me can stop and actually take steps forward to live sober, then honestly anyone can. I hope this gave you some hope and possibly the help that you might need.

[ibizan]

i recall over the past year or two...many here giving u very good suggestions...have u tried any of it in ur sobriety?

[dominosarah]

Right now you are your own worst enemy, something we all understand.  I dont have a magic wand but you do.  You hold the key that will unlock the chains that are binding you,  Do you have alot of emotional pain in your life?  Do you have someone you can trust that could help you with this?  Have you tried talking to a professional?  I too felt doomed at one point, I was drinking whiskey like it was water and my life had unraveled.  One day i just decided i had had enough and i quit.  That was 10 yrs ago.  I was running from myself and all the pain i had buried.  Thru recovery care i have been able to move on and start living, not just existing.  I am also a recovering drug addict.  There is hope for you so never give up.  We are here for you so lean on us~~sara