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Why do I miss my alcoholic husband?

I've never written in one of these forums before so bare with me. I am going through a really confusing time right now. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years married 11 and we have 3 daughters together. He is a severe alcoholic, completely non functioning and always has been. I left my home with my kids 4 days ago, I just couldnt take care of him or handle the verbal abuse anymore it was killing me and my kids. I love him dearly and I want him sober. He's been in out patient rehab twice in the last 2 years and i cant count the hospital trips. Any way he goes to inpatient finally in 3 days and I already miss him. Everyone says take it one day at a time and take care of me. I have been with him since I was 17, my whole adult life has been living like this and I don't know any different. I am so confused. No one wants me with him and I have support from both sides of our families. I have to carry the load of everyones anger and stress of this and my own and be strong for my kids. So really how do you take care of yourself when your such a mess and totally lost? I don't know how much longer I can do this strong women thing? I'm not sure who this girl is. Any comment or advice I'm sure will help. Thank you.
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Avatar universal
your husband has to make the right move and quit---if he doesnt  you and the kids have to walk! it wont be easy  but again he has  to be making positive  decisions and get professional help!   you need to be  talking to other people that have been thru this   there are support groups   - wish i could direct you but you and the kids cant continue putting up with this!
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Avatar universal
Hi I have been with my partner for 3 years after losing my other partner from  suicide . So when Jimmy came along he was very quiet. But ok with me we drank at weekend but I didnt know he was drinking a lot till I knew he would drink wot ever I had and then he was looking after his children at is flat knowing how bad he was I stayed with him cus he got in such s Mess and then is ex partner had to be told that he was not safe to be with is kids so I stopped it and then I left too and after a  couple of weeks he text me to say he would change so he moved out of is flat and came to stay at my own and for the last 2 years he as drank so much my son got him a job on a building site and he was drinking befor I would pick him up even tho I got is drink for the night and then I nagged and nagged at him about is drinking and he ended up in hospital got the help and came home and after a  four weeks he started again I have my daughter with me who as a baby boy who is only 1year old so I told him to leave he as gone now he is living in a one bedroom sheard kitchen and Im worried now have I done the right thing was he an  alcoholic or was it me who nagged him all the time is mum said your need to let him hit rock bottom so Im wanting to text him but I know I cant I'm in a mess dont know wot to do I have not heard of him feel as is I have put him on the streets should I text him ?
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Avatar universal
I have been feeling so ashamed because I did tell my husband  I wish he were dead.  I want all of the crap to stop...selfish is unbelievable selfish...never cares about us just the next high.  and when he isn't high he is so mean I he talks to us otherwise, he is quiet and off to himself.  He says it's not in his nature to lovey dovey,,he's to hard for that so we rarely get any affection from him.  He is a normal person when he first starts drinking.  2 or 3 beers get the edge off if only we can stop him there.  I have left  and put him out more times then I can count...now I am just TIRED!!!!
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Avatar universal
My husband is an alcoholic.  We've been together for 13 years.  Recently he left "cause I'm a *****". I was, but I'm so tired of turning a blind eye.  I miss him so much.  He's the sweetest person sometimes.  Part of me wants him to never come back and part of me wants to beg him to come back... I'm so tired.
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Avatar universal
  Thank you everyone who has posted on here in the past 3 years. I've read all your stories and relate all to well. I do find comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one out there dealing with this. I wish none of us had to go through this. I know from years of dealing with my husbands disease that it's not my fault and he's sick and I can survive without him, I've been doing it for years just never really realized it til now.
  I do love my husband, I just don't trust him when he says he's going to change because the outcome is always the same. Saturday night he talked of suicide and can't live like this anymore and admits he's depressed beyond his control and asked for help. So I had his parents come take him to their place so he could detox. It has been hard watching him kill himself with alcohol for so long, but in the process I have gotten stronger and wiser. I'm helping him get into outpatient rehab and he's meeting with a psychiatrist on Monday and tomorrow we're going to our marriage counselor to figure everything else out.
   I will not let him back home to live the way we have lived for so long. I don't recognize him anymore. He told me the other night that over the last three years I've change, I've change? Ok, but he said I've been doing so well, starting my own business, going to school for nursing and going the gym and living life without him. And I realized he was right, I was changing for the better, while he stayed the same. We just became roommates, I stopped taking his **** along time ago and started taking care of me and the kids. I don't know where we stand at this point. I don't know if he is capable of change, even though he wants to. But time goes by anyway, so I know he is safe and I rest better at night knowing that. So I guess my story is once again, to be continued...
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COMMUNITY LEADER
I know how this feels......but lifes 2 short and precious to allow oneself to be saddled w/the drama of one who refuses to recover.....its coming up on 5 years for me minus my relapsed cocaine x-bfriend!its nice to get to the point where all i feel for him is neutrality!There was so much hurt/pain b4 i arrived at this point...but it is what it is.......and i'm older wiser and stronger cuz of it!GROWTH!:) keep on reaching for it lady!:)
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Avatar universal
I wrote my first post 3 1/2 years ago and I finally understand moving on. I have never seen him the way I see him now and it saddens me. I'm ok without him and I know that know, but it hurts, I don't miss him anymore, he's sick and I'm sick of taking care of him and my kids trust in me and except what I do for them, with or without dad. It hurts and I'm sad. But it is what it is.
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My husband finally hit rock bottom after 18 years and I'm done and so are my kids. I'm sad, done and not surprised.
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You did absolutely the right thing.  I left my alcoholic husband 2 months ago with my 5 yr old son.  It was like looking after 2 children.  I did everything for him, in fact I did everything.  My husband was threatening to kill me one minute and then the next was crying like a baby.  All this was happening in front of my son.  I had to leave.  But I too miss him, but I miss the man I married, not the man he is now.  You now have to heal yourself and your children before anything else. I have now distanced myself as much as possible from my husband and am finally finding some inner peace,  I go  to my local Al-Anon meeting and find it very helpful.  The other members have heard it all before and are so supportive.  Please, I know you miss him and probably still love him, I know I do mine, but you can't make him stop unless he wants to, so please put yourself and your children first.  They need you more than he does.  He's an adult and capable of looking after himself.  Al-Anon have taught me to think in a different way. If your thinking about helping him in any way, do the opposite.  You could help him into recovery quicker if you cut him off completely.  This is a very hard thing to do and believe me it breaks my heart to do it, but my husband is now on his way to recovery.  Tough Love is what is required.  But most of all YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF.  Take Care and I hope that all goes well for you

Jubilee51 xx
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Avatar universal
You did absolutely the right thing.  I left my alcoholic husband 2 months ago with my 5 yr old son.  It was like looking after 2 children.  I did everything for him, in fact I did everything.  My husband was threatening to kill me one minute and then the next was crying like a baby.  All this was happening in front of my son.  I had to leave.  But I too miss him, but I miss the man I married, not the man he is now.  You now have to heal yourself and your children before anything else. I have now distanced myself as much as possible from my husband and am finally finding some inner peace,  I go  to my local Al-Anon meeting and find it very helpful.  The other members have heard it all before and are so supportive.  Please, I know you miss him and probably still love him, I know I do mine, but you can't make him stop unless he wants to, so please put yourself and your children first.  They need you more than he does.  He's an adult and capable of looking after himself.  Al-Anon have taught me to think in a different way. If your thinking about helping him in any way, do the opposite.  You could help him into recovery quicker if you cut him off completely.  This is a very hard thing to do and believe me it breaks my heart to do it, but my husband is now on his way to recovery.  Tough Love is what is required.  But most of all YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF.  Take Care and I hope that all goes well for you

Jubilee51 xx
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Avatar universal
Hey thanks for replying to my post.
I ordered some books that was suggested on  these posts.  "The easy way to quit drinking. sober and staying that way, eating right to live sober"
I figure it can only do good to read.  After all, I've been abusing my body for a while.  I hope I find some eye awakening facts in these books.
I really want to stay sober this time.  I did try a few times to quit but had no luck, kept picking up after a few weeks. It's really hard to get up the next morning for work at 8 after a pint of Vodka.
I'm now 58 and I need to stop messing around with my life.

And #810 has no significance.

Stay healthy and sober
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Avatar universal
I have been reading all of the comments and crying while reading each one.  Each comment applies to me as it does to most women/men going through this.  I am 40 and my husband and I have been together for 19 yrs, married for 15.  Like most couples we spent weekends socializing with others, took vacations etc.  Drinking was a social thing, not a problem.  10yrs ago I began to suspect something wasn't right.  We had our dissagreements about his drinking, I expressed concern to his parents and mine.  That is when I should have left, but I loved him and I was going to make this marriage work against all odds like some fantasy movie.  4 1/2 yrs ago he went to a 30 day treatment center(not a very good one) but it was close and affordable.  I had a sense of relief and hope that this is what I had been waiting for....help.  Out of rehab he looked so handsome and I approached with caution as I had been in therapy while he was away myself.  That first two months I was so happy, everything was going to be fine, and our future dreams were finally going to come true!  Then he "slipped" for the first time and I was devastated.  It wasn't much, just a glass of wine, so I said to myself "this is going to happen from time to time, you know this and are prepared to cope".   Over the last 4 yrs we have dealt with "slips"  quite often and have been in therapy to learn how to handle them.  I stopped going to therapy 1 yr ago as my therapist said I was ready.  My husband was still going to therapy and working on his personal issues, adoption being the biggest.  We were getting by one day at a time, but once a month he would drink for a day or two and get right back on track.  Over the last 5 months, the once a month " slips" got to where they lasted a week and the wine had turned into liquor and peppermint extract.  I was soo scared for him when I saw the first empty bottle of peppermint extract.  Just couldn't believe the addiction was this powerful.  That is when I realized that he needed more help than he was getting and I just felt powerless.  We fought, played the blame game etc just like everyone living in this situation does.  The saddest thing about this is people would often say that he talks about me all the time and that he sure does love me.  He is a wonderful man when the addiction is not in control and that is why this has been soo hard.  He isn't verbally abusive, physically abusive, works hard (when not drinking).  He is everything I could hope for in a husband.  The addiction has killed the man I have loved for nearly 1/2 my life.  I am so angry at this disease for hurting soo many people and just want to know why?  We are all good people who married loving husbands so why is this happening?  We did nothing wrong.  I dropped my husband off at his parents three hours from me two days ago.  Our therapist recommends at least 6mos seperation so that we can both heal and that I need to grieve like I have lost my husband and to take it one day at a time.  I miss the man this disease has taken from me, his touch, his jokes, and the way he used to look at me.  I will get through this, that much I know, but how long will I hurt like this?  My parents have used the word hate when talking about him and been judgemental and harsh.  They don't understand that this is a disease.  They think this is all his fault.  I have seen him bent over crying because he didn't want to drink but couldn't stop thinking about it.  I have too lost trust in my husband because of the lies and the more I read about the disease I know it will always be there.  No matter what happens, the fear of relapse will always be there.  I don't want to live with that fear any longer.  I don't want to find myself 10 yrs from now wishing that I had left.  You would think with the money this country puts into research drugs to cure various diseases that there would be something for addiction, as it costs this country soo much and destroys soo many.  My mind tells me that there is so much more out there and get out of this mess and live, while my heart wants so desperately for a future with the man that I love.  I keep asking what ifs,  but that is only gonna make me crazy.  Anyone going through this or that has gone through please give me the encouraging words that will help.  I know that only time will tell and heal but I don't know if I am going to be strong enough to leave.  He would not try to stop me if that is my decision, not because he doesn't love me, but because he does.  He has often said that I deserved better and shouldn't have to live this way any longer.  He is right but that makes this harder.  I think of him finding someone in the future that will keep him sober and make him happy and wonder why wasn't that person me?  I have done everything I can to help him and now it is up to him.  He does not know that I am thinking of seperating but I don't want to drop that on him until he has completed 1month of his 3 mo treatment.  At least he will have in house support there to help him cope.  Sorry this has been so lengthy, but life changing situations aren't easy.
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3105131 tn?1341431158
My family is in Brazil, where I am from. Yes, everyone is very supportive, just too far away to really be able to help. I do have wonderful friends however that helped me through my husbands passing 5 years ago and are helping me now. Glad to hear about your power..I hear the heat has been really bad in some areas. It's terrible how it has affected so many people. Could I have done anything differently to have avoided all this?
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COMMUNITY LEADER
U r making some very good steps there!i'm so sorry u lost a good spouse to a terrible disease.....why does life have to do this to ppl:(how far away is ur family?r they supportive to u?i'm doing good here...grateful that my power didn't go out in this horrid heatwave/weather w/all the destruction it has caused!
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3105131 tn?1341431158
Thank you. I agree and have even invited his mother to go to an Al Anon meeting with me. I am also making an appointment with a therapist. This is very painful and has effected my self esteem. I know I have to live through the pain to move forward but it *****!! I felt very lonely after losing a wonderful husband to a terrible disease but I keep reminding myself that even the pain of loneliness was better than the pain I felt when he was dunk and attacking me. I have no family here, it's just me and my boys so I feel very vulnerable.  How have you been doing?
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3105131 tn?1341431158
Thank you for sharing your story, sounds so familiar. I know exactly what you mean. It is hard, it hurts but coming home without wondering what I am going to find is priceless. I wish you and your child much happiness.
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COMMUNITY LEADER
Women ........and some men...have a bad habit of what Joe Tannenbaum stated in his book "Male and Female Differences"...falling in love w/that persons POTENTIAL!We see the good....make xcuses for the bad....and think..and oh so wrongly think...that if we love support and care...AND..make excuses 4 their bad behaviors  somehow they'll change!U R NOT A FAILURE!U really need to RUN to an Al-Anon meeting and listen to what the ppl are saying...and also get to know those who have walked in your shoes...have decided to enable NO MORE!I have been sober/clean for 28 years now.I had to take FULL responsibility for my problem..and for my recovery!6 years ago i loved a man who relapsed w/cocaine..his drug of choice.He heaped upon me what u describe above.He MISTAKENLY thought i would tolerate his BS for i'd been alone for 10 yrs.He found out different....but it took me some time to rid myself of him.I've been on both sides of the fence......the active alcoholic/addict....and the woman who got sober and happened to fall for one of my kind who took no responsibility for his problem.Life is too short to put urself and ur children thru the emotional wranglings of this...pls get to Al-Anon....and keep us posted!
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3105131 tn?1341431158
I was a young widow when I met my alcoholic husband. Having lived a good marriage I thought I knew how to choose a god man. In hindsight the signs were there, I just ignored or missed them. After dating for only a short time he moved into my house, we got married 3 months after that. The verbal abuse started shortly after he moved in. He would drink and get on me for things that didn't even make sense, minor things. The next day he would blame his own struggles for his behavior, he couldn't get over losing his family and children and his house in his divorce. I was confused and tried everything to make things better, nothing was ever good enough. At first I just thought it was a phase, a mourning period he was still going through. I made excuses and forgave him time and time again. When I did confront him he would say I was cold and didn't get him. It was always my fault always me. I wasn't patient enough, I wanted someone perfect, I was a know it all. He denies having a drinking problem. We tried couples counseling and I finally got him to see a phsychiatrist who put him on Lythium as she suspected he was bipolar. It helped but the drinking continued. This past Friday he got his 1st DUI, and blames me for fighting with him which led him to not turn on his headlights which lead him to being stopped, he had had at least 8 glasses of wine and I had begged him not to drive. On Monday he took all his things and left. I am a mother of 2 great boys a positive person with great friends. I am financially independent and own my house. Yet I am sitting here wondering why? Why I feel like a failure, why I let it last this long, why I wasn't strong enough to break the cycle of abuse, why I miss and still love him? What is wrong with ME? I know intellectually what I should do...run for the hills, but my heart is broken and confused. I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore, I don't want to have him control me or have his mood and drinking determine the outcome of our evenings. I'm scared, scared he can come back and suck me back in...how pathetic am I? We have only been married 1 yr and 3 months. I'm sorry for the long post but I needed to vent....any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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COMMUNITY LEADER
R u going to al-anon?who and what is ur support system!
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Thankyou for your support.  I have bad days where i recall all the good times and i miss my husband, as i always see the best in people, i hope for change.  This  leaves me dissapointed as my expectations are never realised.  Living my own life and doing what is best for me is the only thing i can rely on.  I need to remind myself daily and not fall back into old patterns of putting the other persons feelings before my own.  Each day at a time as my friends say..
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COMMUNITY LEADER
U did the right sane and healthy thing...the best choice 4 u and ur boys......life is 2 short to be spent wrangling w/one who refuses to take responsibility for their addiction.Pls keep us posted and keep posting...others who struggle w/an alcoholic/addicted partner need to c ur strength and wisdom here!
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Avatar universal
I have come across this site by accident, well obviously not by accident as my story is echoed in many of these.  I walked away from my husband of ten years and our home three months ago.   He was a functioning alcoholic who guess what owns a pub.  I  had a good life with him, enjoyed travel, partied along with him as i like to drink too, but recent years have changed the drinking behaviour.  In the last five years it has gotten progressively worse.  I have asked him to deal with his drinking but the usual excuse, everybody drinks, you drink.  He drank every day of the week, he has hidden bottles of spirit around the house, i had found them under the bed, behind the piano, in the garden, anywhere he could sneak and drink.  He did drink beer all the time, and he usaually had one upon waking.  I loved him and wanted to support him, i felt everyone wanted me to fix it, his family, his friends, his older children,  the more pressure to mkae things right for everyone else, the more despair i felt.  I felt very unsupported because no one wanted to confront him.  Alcoholism ran in the family, and they all felt history was repeating itself.  Last year it came to a head, i was on anti depressants and just wanted to go home to austrlalia as i couldnt cope.  He promised to take me, we booked the tickets but his health was so bad and his drinking was so out of control i didnt think hed get on the plane.  I told him id go without him with our kids.  I guess he thought he would lose us so he tried to stop drinking, as anyone here knows that is dangerous for an alcoholic to just stop.  I sat with him the first few nights, the dts so bad he couldnt sleep, sweats, dihorrea, obvious pain. after three days i could see my husband again.  As i was talking to him he had a seizure, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, he was foaming at the mouth all muscles clenched shaking in his bed, i was hysterical, i luckily had a friend with me who called the paramedics..they came and insisted a dr be called to give medication to help with withdrawal.  so over the next few days i nursed him, i calmed him down when he was hallucinating, fed him, bathed him...eventually the dr gave him the all clear, we got on the plane to australia.  he drank every day we were there.....my heart was broken.  i told him i couldnt go through this again...and ive been telling it to him again and again...and now i have left and he is angry with me.  I will always miss the man he was, but not the man he is.  I have been grieving the loss of my partner for five years,  so leaving him has been less painful, less tearful.  My boys are doing fine because i am.  sadly my husbands behaviour has affected his relationship with the kids, which by the way is my fault too....an alcoholic is a master at convincing you it is you not them with the problem.  so reading this page confirms to me we are not alone....please take care all of you xxxxx
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Avatar universal
I have come across this site by accident, well obviously not by accident as my story is echoed in many of these.  I walked away from my husband of ten years and our home three months ago.   He was a functioning alcoholic who guess what owns a pub.  I  had a good life with him, enjoyed travel, partied along with him as i like to drink too, but recent years have changed the drinking behaviour.  In the last five years it has gotten progressively worse.  I have asked him to deal with his drinking but the usual excuse, everybody drinks, you drink.  He drank every day of the week, he has hidden bottles of spirit around the house, i had found them under the bed, behind the piano, in the garden, anywhere he could sneak and drink.  He did drink beer all the time, and he usaually had one upon waking.  I loved him and wanted to support him, i felt everyone wanted me to fix it, his family, his friends, his older children,  the more pressure to mkae things right for everyone else, the more despair i felt.  I felt very unsupported because no one wanted to confront him.  Alcoholism ran in the family, and they all felt history was repeating itself.  Last year it came to a head, i was on anti depressants and just wanted to go home to austrlalia as i couldnt cope.  He promised to take me, we booked the tickets but his health was so bad and his drinking was so out of control i didnt think hed get on the plane.  I told him id go without him with our kids.  I guess he thought he would lose us so he tried to stop drinking, as anyone here knows that is dangerous for an alcoholic to just stop.  I sat with him the first few nights, the dts so bad he couldnt sleep, sweats, dihorrea, obvious pain. after three days i could see my husband again.  As i was talking to him he had a seizure, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, he was foaming at the mouth all muscles clenched shaking in his bed, i was hysterical, i luckily had a friend with me who called the paramedics..they came and insisted a dr be called to give medication to help with withdrawal.  so over the next few days i nursed him, i calmed him down when he was hallucinating, fed him, bathed him...eventually the dr gave him the all clear, we got on the plane to australia.  he drank every day we were there.....my heart was broken.  i told him i couldnt go through this again...and ive been telling it to him again and again...and now i have left and he is angry with me.  I will always miss the man he was, but not the man he is.  I have been grieving the loss of my partner for five years,  so leaving him has been less painful, less tearful.  My boys are doing fine because i am.  sadly my husbands behaviour has affected his relationship with the kids, which by the way is my fault too....an alcoholic is a master at convincing you it is you not them with the problem.  so reading this page confirms to me we are not alone....please take care all of you xxxxx
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Avatar universal
I have stumbled across this site  completely by accident and Im so glad I did. I have just ended an 11 month relationship with an alcoholic. He was also a heavy pot smoker but had been off that (or so he says) for the last three months or so. I knew what he was like probably two weeks into the relationship, but, like a lot of people who have posted on here, I thought I could "fix" him. How wrong I was. During the time we were together, we split up and got back together countless times because of his drinking. He used to drink a bottle of scotch (usually a litre bottle at that) per night, then whatever else he could find, even stuff like Gin that he didnt like, he drank it because it was booze.  About three or four months ago, he decided he would try and cut down. This worked for a short while, he was drinking beer instead of scotch, and during that time I foolishly decided to let him move into my house with me. Well as soon as he had planted himself here it all started again, worse than ever. He wasnt so much abusive in drink as just annoying and disrespectful, ie. I would go to bed hours early to try and get away from him and he would be in and out of the bedroom, talking, singing, turning the radio on etc. My physical health was suffering due to stress and lack of sleep. There were occassions when he did frighten me with his aggressive behaviour which ended up with me locking him outside for the night, he would then get in the car and drive who knows where in his drunken state. I even rang the police on one occassion as I had locked him out as he was getting aggressive and he was trying to break the door down. The police came and offered to take him away. He had calmed down by then so I (stupidly) said no. The police knew about his alcohol problem and gave him a talking to, but as soon as they had left, back to it all again and ended up driving away yet again. It all came to a head a week ago. He had told me about a week previous to this that he wanted to quit drinking. I had tried everything over the time to get him to get help to stop, all to no avail so I was pleasantly surprised when he said this, although I had doubts. I was very supportive, offered to go with him to AA, counselling or whatever would help(he said he didnt need help, he could do it himself) and congratulated him each day he didnt drink. Last weekend was a long weekend, but I had to work on the Monday morning. I had cause to ring him when I finished work and as soon as he answered the phone I knew something was wrong. I ask him had he been drinking, he said no. I got home from work and again I could clearly see that something was wrong. I couldnt smell grog on him, and I asked him several more times had he been drinking, everytime the answer was no. He started to get aggitated and I thought he may have been pill popping, something he had done previously. He was worrying me so much I asked him to leave for a while as he was starting to frighten me. Finally after yet another yelling match he drove off yet again. I was really puzzled as to what he had taken or whatever. My 16 year old son was here at the time and he finally came to me and brought me the evidence of what my partner had been doing. He had a couple of cheap casks of wine in the shed and had been drinking all day, telling me he was working in there. Apparently when I was due home, (I had to visit a couple of people that day also) he would rush in and clean his teeth and use mouthwash etc. Well that was enough for me, as if the drinking and the mental torture I was going though wasnt enough he had started lying to me as well. Worse still, dragging my son into his deception. I rang him the next day and told him to come and get his stuff from my house. That ended in another screaming and yelling match when he came. I couldnt believe that he was taking things so casually. I hated what I turned in to because of the stress and anxiety, a yelling screaming maniac. I didnt hear from him for the rest of the week so I rang him yesterday, dont know why, I guess I was still clinging to some sort of hope. It probably was the best thing I could have done. Although it hurt like hell at the time, his words made me realise that there is no hope for us. He said that he had no interest in coming back to me and that he couldnt give up the grog. He couldnt even be honest with me then, telling me he had been staying with his parents when I know he hasnt been.  I was so hurt and angry, after all I had done for him. I had such a terrible day yesterday, crying all day. Today, I was physically sick from it all then this afternoon I thought to myself well hes not worrying about me, he can just give up on everything for the sake of the grog, so why should I cry for him. I still love him dearly and I miss him, but the peace I have had in my own home for the past week has been wonderful. I still feel sad and am having some difficulty doing stuff in my house, everything reminds me of him, but I forced myself today to wash all my bedding so I could get back to sleeping in my own bed and did heaps of cleaning so I could start getting my life back on track. Its not easy, cause as I said, I still love him dearly and as I am in my late 40s, the thought creeps in sometimes that I will spend the rest of my life alone, but for now, Im trying to focus on the present and get by day by day. I know I have made the right choice, the only choice I could have made if I want to hang on to my sanity. Sorry this is so long, but it has helped heaps just by writing it all down.
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