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Why do I miss my alcoholic husband?

I've never written in one of these forums before so bare with me. I am going through a really confusing time right now. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years married 11 and we have 3 daughters together. He is a severe alcoholic, completely non functioning and always has been. I left my home with my kids 4 days ago, I just couldnt take care of him or handle the verbal abuse anymore it was killing me and my kids. I love him dearly and I want him sober. He's been in out patient rehab twice in the last 2 years and i cant count the hospital trips. Any way he goes to inpatient finally in 3 days and I already miss him. Everyone says take it one day at a time and take care of me. I have been with him since I was 17, my whole adult life has been living like this and I don't know any different. I am so confused. No one wants me with him and I have support from both sides of our families. I have to carry the load of everyones anger and stress of this and my own and be strong for my kids. So really how do you take care of yourself when your such a mess and totally lost? I don't know how much longer I can do this strong women thing? I'm not sure who this girl is. Any comment or advice I'm sure will help. Thank you.
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3105131 tn?1341431158
My family is in Brazil, where I am from. Yes, everyone is very supportive, just too far away to really be able to help. I do have wonderful friends however that helped me through my husbands passing 5 years ago and are helping me now. Glad to hear about your power..I hear the heat has been really bad in some areas. It's terrible how it has affected so many people. Could I have done anything differently to have avoided all this?
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COMMUNITY LEADER
U r making some very good steps there!i'm so sorry u lost a good spouse to a terrible disease.....why does life have to do this to ppl:(how far away is ur family?r they supportive to u?i'm doing good here...grateful that my power didn't go out in this horrid heatwave/weather w/all the destruction it has caused!
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3105131 tn?1341431158
Thank you. I agree and have even invited his mother to go to an Al Anon meeting with me. I am also making an appointment with a therapist. This is very painful and has effected my self esteem. I know I have to live through the pain to move forward but it *****!! I felt very lonely after losing a wonderful husband to a terrible disease but I keep reminding myself that even the pain of loneliness was better than the pain I felt when he was dunk and attacking me. I have no family here, it's just me and my boys so I feel very vulnerable.  How have you been doing?
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3105131 tn?1341431158
Thank you for sharing your story, sounds so familiar. I know exactly what you mean. It is hard, it hurts but coming home without wondering what I am going to find is priceless. I wish you and your child much happiness.
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COMMUNITY LEADER
Women ........and some men...have a bad habit of what Joe Tannenbaum stated in his book "Male and Female Differences"...falling in love w/that persons POTENTIAL!We see the good....make xcuses for the bad....and think..and oh so wrongly think...that if we love support and care...AND..make excuses 4 their bad behaviors  somehow they'll change!U R NOT A FAILURE!U really need to RUN to an Al-Anon meeting and listen to what the ppl are saying...and also get to know those who have walked in your shoes...have decided to enable NO MORE!I have been sober/clean for 28 years now.I had to take FULL responsibility for my problem..and for my recovery!6 years ago i loved a man who relapsed w/cocaine..his drug of choice.He heaped upon me what u describe above.He MISTAKENLY thought i would tolerate his BS for i'd been alone for 10 yrs.He found out different....but it took me some time to rid myself of him.I've been on both sides of the fence......the active alcoholic/addict....and the woman who got sober and happened to fall for one of my kind who took no responsibility for his problem.Life is too short to put urself and ur children thru the emotional wranglings of this...pls get to Al-Anon....and keep us posted!
Helpful - 0
3105131 tn?1341431158
I was a young widow when I met my alcoholic husband. Having lived a good marriage I thought I knew how to choose a god man. In hindsight the signs were there, I just ignored or missed them. After dating for only a short time he moved into my house, we got married 3 months after that. The verbal abuse started shortly after he moved in. He would drink and get on me for things that didn't even make sense, minor things. The next day he would blame his own struggles for his behavior, he couldn't get over losing his family and children and his house in his divorce. I was confused and tried everything to make things better, nothing was ever good enough. At first I just thought it was a phase, a mourning period he was still going through. I made excuses and forgave him time and time again. When I did confront him he would say I was cold and didn't get him. It was always my fault always me. I wasn't patient enough, I wanted someone perfect, I was a know it all. He denies having a drinking problem. We tried couples counseling and I finally got him to see a phsychiatrist who put him on Lythium as she suspected he was bipolar. It helped but the drinking continued. This past Friday he got his 1st DUI, and blames me for fighting with him which led him to not turn on his headlights which lead him to being stopped, he had had at least 8 glasses of wine and I had begged him not to drive. On Monday he took all his things and left. I am a mother of 2 great boys a positive person with great friends. I am financially independent and own my house. Yet I am sitting here wondering why? Why I feel like a failure, why I let it last this long, why I wasn't strong enough to break the cycle of abuse, why I miss and still love him? What is wrong with ME? I know intellectually what I should do...run for the hills, but my heart is broken and confused. I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore, I don't want to have him control me or have his mood and drinking determine the outcome of our evenings. I'm scared, scared he can come back and suck me back in...how pathetic am I? We have only been married 1 yr and 3 months. I'm sorry for the long post but I needed to vent....any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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