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Why do I miss my alcoholic husband?

I've never written in one of these forums before so bare with me. I am going through a really confusing time right now. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years married 11 and we have 3 daughters together. He is a severe alcoholic, completely non functioning and always has been. I left my home with my kids 4 days ago, I just couldnt take care of him or handle the verbal abuse anymore it was killing me and my kids. I love him dearly and I want him sober. He's been in out patient rehab twice in the last 2 years and i cant count the hospital trips. Any way he goes to inpatient finally in 3 days and I already miss him. Everyone says take it one day at a time and take care of me. I have been with him since I was 17, my whole adult life has been living like this and I don't know any different. I am so confused. No one wants me with him and I have support from both sides of our families. I have to carry the load of everyones anger and stress of this and my own and be strong for my kids. So really how do you take care of yourself when your such a mess and totally lost? I don't know how much longer I can do this strong women thing? I'm not sure who this girl is. Any comment or advice I'm sure will help. Thank you.
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COMMUNITY LEADER
R u going to al-anon?who and what is ur support system!
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Avatar universal
Thankyou for your support.  I have bad days where i recall all the good times and i miss my husband, as i always see the best in people, i hope for change.  This  leaves me dissapointed as my expectations are never realised.  Living my own life and doing what is best for me is the only thing i can rely on.  I need to remind myself daily and not fall back into old patterns of putting the other persons feelings before my own.  Each day at a time as my friends say..
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Avatar universal
COMMUNITY LEADER
U did the right sane and healthy thing...the best choice 4 u and ur boys......life is 2 short to be spent wrangling w/one who refuses to take responsibility for their addiction.Pls keep us posted and keep posting...others who struggle w/an alcoholic/addicted partner need to c ur strength and wisdom here!
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Avatar universal
I have come across this site by accident, well obviously not by accident as my story is echoed in many of these.  I walked away from my husband of ten years and our home three months ago.   He was a functioning alcoholic who guess what owns a pub.  I  had a good life with him, enjoyed travel, partied along with him as i like to drink too, but recent years have changed the drinking behaviour.  In the last five years it has gotten progressively worse.  I have asked him to deal with his drinking but the usual excuse, everybody drinks, you drink.  He drank every day of the week, he has hidden bottles of spirit around the house, i had found them under the bed, behind the piano, in the garden, anywhere he could sneak and drink.  He did drink beer all the time, and he usaually had one upon waking.  I loved him and wanted to support him, i felt everyone wanted me to fix it, his family, his friends, his older children,  the more pressure to mkae things right for everyone else, the more despair i felt.  I felt very unsupported because no one wanted to confront him.  Alcoholism ran in the family, and they all felt history was repeating itself.  Last year it came to a head, i was on anti depressants and just wanted to go home to austrlalia as i couldnt cope.  He promised to take me, we booked the tickets but his health was so bad and his drinking was so out of control i didnt think hed get on the plane.  I told him id go without him with our kids.  I guess he thought he would lose us so he tried to stop drinking, as anyone here knows that is dangerous for an alcoholic to just stop.  I sat with him the first few nights, the dts so bad he couldnt sleep, sweats, dihorrea, obvious pain. after three days i could see my husband again.  As i was talking to him he had a seizure, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, he was foaming at the mouth all muscles clenched shaking in his bed, i was hysterical, i luckily had a friend with me who called the paramedics..they came and insisted a dr be called to give medication to help with withdrawal.  so over the next few days i nursed him, i calmed him down when he was hallucinating, fed him, bathed him...eventually the dr gave him the all clear, we got on the plane to australia.  he drank every day we were there.....my heart was broken.  i told him i couldnt go through this again...and ive been telling it to him again and again...and now i have left and he is angry with me.  I will always miss the man he was, but not the man he is.  I have been grieving the loss of my partner for five years,  so leaving him has been less painful, less tearful.  My boys are doing fine because i am.  sadly my husbands behaviour has affected his relationship with the kids, which by the way is my fault too....an alcoholic is a master at convincing you it is you not them with the problem.  so reading this page confirms to me we are not alone....please take care all of you xxxxx
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Avatar universal
I have come across this site by accident, well obviously not by accident as my story is echoed in many of these.  I walked away from my husband of ten years and our home three months ago.   He was a functioning alcoholic who guess what owns a pub.  I  had a good life with him, enjoyed travel, partied along with him as i like to drink too, but recent years have changed the drinking behaviour.  In the last five years it has gotten progressively worse.  I have asked him to deal with his drinking but the usual excuse, everybody drinks, you drink.  He drank every day of the week, he has hidden bottles of spirit around the house, i had found them under the bed, behind the piano, in the garden, anywhere he could sneak and drink.  He did drink beer all the time, and he usaually had one upon waking.  I loved him and wanted to support him, i felt everyone wanted me to fix it, his family, his friends, his older children,  the more pressure to mkae things right for everyone else, the more despair i felt.  I felt very unsupported because no one wanted to confront him.  Alcoholism ran in the family, and they all felt history was repeating itself.  Last year it came to a head, i was on anti depressants and just wanted to go home to austrlalia as i couldnt cope.  He promised to take me, we booked the tickets but his health was so bad and his drinking was so out of control i didnt think hed get on the plane.  I told him id go without him with our kids.  I guess he thought he would lose us so he tried to stop drinking, as anyone here knows that is dangerous for an alcoholic to just stop.  I sat with him the first few nights, the dts so bad he couldnt sleep, sweats, dihorrea, obvious pain. after three days i could see my husband again.  As i was talking to him he had a seizure, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, he was foaming at the mouth all muscles clenched shaking in his bed, i was hysterical, i luckily had a friend with me who called the paramedics..they came and insisted a dr be called to give medication to help with withdrawal.  so over the next few days i nursed him, i calmed him down when he was hallucinating, fed him, bathed him...eventually the dr gave him the all clear, we got on the plane to australia.  he drank every day we were there.....my heart was broken.  i told him i couldnt go through this again...and ive been telling it to him again and again...and now i have left and he is angry with me.  I will always miss the man he was, but not the man he is.  I have been grieving the loss of my partner for five years,  so leaving him has been less painful, less tearful.  My boys are doing fine because i am.  sadly my husbands behaviour has affected his relationship with the kids, which by the way is my fault too....an alcoholic is a master at convincing you it is you not them with the problem.  so reading this page confirms to me we are not alone....please take care all of you xxxxx
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Avatar universal
I have stumbled across this site  completely by accident and Im so glad I did. I have just ended an 11 month relationship with an alcoholic. He was also a heavy pot smoker but had been off that (or so he says) for the last three months or so. I knew what he was like probably two weeks into the relationship, but, like a lot of people who have posted on here, I thought I could "fix" him. How wrong I was. During the time we were together, we split up and got back together countless times because of his drinking. He used to drink a bottle of scotch (usually a litre bottle at that) per night, then whatever else he could find, even stuff like Gin that he didnt like, he drank it because it was booze.  About three or four months ago, he decided he would try and cut down. This worked for a short while, he was drinking beer instead of scotch, and during that time I foolishly decided to let him move into my house with me. Well as soon as he had planted himself here it all started again, worse than ever. He wasnt so much abusive in drink as just annoying and disrespectful, ie. I would go to bed hours early to try and get away from him and he would be in and out of the bedroom, talking, singing, turning the radio on etc. My physical health was suffering due to stress and lack of sleep. There were occassions when he did frighten me with his aggressive behaviour which ended up with me locking him outside for the night, he would then get in the car and drive who knows where in his drunken state. I even rang the police on one occassion as I had locked him out as he was getting aggressive and he was trying to break the door down. The police came and offered to take him away. He had calmed down by then so I (stupidly) said no. The police knew about his alcohol problem and gave him a talking to, but as soon as they had left, back to it all again and ended up driving away yet again. It all came to a head a week ago. He had told me about a week previous to this that he wanted to quit drinking. I had tried everything over the time to get him to get help to stop, all to no avail so I was pleasantly surprised when he said this, although I had doubts. I was very supportive, offered to go with him to AA, counselling or whatever would help(he said he didnt need help, he could do it himself) and congratulated him each day he didnt drink. Last weekend was a long weekend, but I had to work on the Monday morning. I had cause to ring him when I finished work and as soon as he answered the phone I knew something was wrong. I ask him had he been drinking, he said no. I got home from work and again I could clearly see that something was wrong. I couldnt smell grog on him, and I asked him several more times had he been drinking, everytime the answer was no. He started to get aggitated and I thought he may have been pill popping, something he had done previously. He was worrying me so much I asked him to leave for a while as he was starting to frighten me. Finally after yet another yelling match he drove off yet again. I was really puzzled as to what he had taken or whatever. My 16 year old son was here at the time and he finally came to me and brought me the evidence of what my partner had been doing. He had a couple of cheap casks of wine in the shed and had been drinking all day, telling me he was working in there. Apparently when I was due home, (I had to visit a couple of people that day also) he would rush in and clean his teeth and use mouthwash etc. Well that was enough for me, as if the drinking and the mental torture I was going though wasnt enough he had started lying to me as well. Worse still, dragging my son into his deception. I rang him the next day and told him to come and get his stuff from my house. That ended in another screaming and yelling match when he came. I couldnt believe that he was taking things so casually. I hated what I turned in to because of the stress and anxiety, a yelling screaming maniac. I didnt hear from him for the rest of the week so I rang him yesterday, dont know why, I guess I was still clinging to some sort of hope. It probably was the best thing I could have done. Although it hurt like hell at the time, his words made me realise that there is no hope for us. He said that he had no interest in coming back to me and that he couldnt give up the grog. He couldnt even be honest with me then, telling me he had been staying with his parents when I know he hasnt been.  I was so hurt and angry, after all I had done for him. I had such a terrible day yesterday, crying all day. Today, I was physically sick from it all then this afternoon I thought to myself well hes not worrying about me, he can just give up on everything for the sake of the grog, so why should I cry for him. I still love him dearly and I miss him, but the peace I have had in my own home for the past week has been wonderful. I still feel sad and am having some difficulty doing stuff in my house, everything reminds me of him, but I forced myself today to wash all my bedding so I could get back to sleeping in my own bed and did heaps of cleaning so I could start getting my life back on track. Its not easy, cause as I said, I still love him dearly and as I am in my late 40s, the thought creeps in sometimes that I will spend the rest of my life alone, but for now, Im trying to focus on the present and get by day by day. I know I have made the right choice, the only choice I could have made if I want to hang on to my sanity. Sorry this is so long, but it has helped heaps just by writing it all down.
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