Why do I miss my alcoholic husband?

[Rileysmama]

I've never written in one of these forums before so bare with me. I am going through a really confusing time right now. I've been with my husband for almost 14 years married 11 and we have 3 daughters together. He is a severe alcoholic, completely non functioning and always has been. I left my home with my kids 4 days ago, I just couldnt take care of him or handle the verbal abuse anymore it was killing me and my kids. I love him dearly and I want him sober. He's been in out patient rehab twice in the last 2 years and i cant count the hospital trips. Any way he goes to inpatient finally in 3 days and I already miss him. Everyone says take it one day at a time and take care of me. I have been with him since I was 17, my whole adult life has been living like this and I don't know any different. I am so confused. No one wants me with him and I have support from both sides of our families. I have to carry the load of everyones anger and stress of this and my own and be strong for my kids. So really how do you take care of yourself when your such a mess and totally lost? I don't know how much longer I can do this strong women thing? I'm not sure who this girl is. Any comment or advice I'm sure will help. Thank you.

[gizzy32]

As you stated, you left home 4 days ago because you just couldn't take care of him and could not handle the verbal abuse as it was killing yourself and your kids. I agree with what others have told you and take care of yourself and your kids right now. You can't live like that nor deserve to until he gets clean and you can mend what is broken if that is possible. Im so sorry your going through this. Im gonna send you a link that might help.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[kim715]

You miss him because you obviously love him.You've been with him since you were 17,as dysfunctional as a relationship it seems to have been because of his drinking,it's the relationship you have lived daily for years.It's normal to miss him,but don't let that fool  you into thinking you miss the things he was doing and how it was affecting you and your children.You're doing the right thing,hon.You need to look out for you and for your little ones.You're husband needs to fix whats wrong.You can love him and support him,but you can't enable him or condone his behavior,for the sake of you and your children.He has to do this.This is his fight.You can encourage and support him in his recovery,but he has to do the work.Every time you have a weak moment,hold your babies tight,know that you have to do what you have to do in order to protect them and give them the life that they deserve.It's times like this that make us realize just how strong we really are.Keep posting hon.I'll keep your family in my prayers.Hang in there.You can do this.All the best....Kim

[bluespence]

I have been where you are...my ex husband was not an alcoholic, but we had other issues. We had been together over 20 years, married for 10. We started dating when we were both 15, so we grew up together. We have two children together too. Anyway, our relationship was very dysfunctional, he was a work-a-holic, never home and when he was home he was still working and completely unavailable. He was also not nice to me all the time, he lied to me all the time..things just were not good. I finally divorced him and it was very hard because I didn't know who I was w/o him. My entire identity was wrapped up in him. When I left I cried all the time and I missed him and everytime I would see families out I would get sad. But what I figured out was I wasn't missing him or the "reality" of the situation, I was missing the "fantasy" of what I had hoped it would be. It is easy to forget the bad things when you are lonely and vulnerable...but people and situations don't change that quickly. But you know what, we have been divorced for three years and this past April we started talking again and trying to work on things. We are taking it very slow and the girls don't know because we won't tell them unless we are definite we are going to get back together. But the three years apart really allowed both of us to grow in ways we never would have if we had stayed together. Our communication is better and we are now individuals instead of one big meshed blob of craziness. Don't get me wrong, things are far from perfect but there is so much more respect for each other and care and concern. So for you, it is so important for you to figure out who you are as an individual. Use this time to focus on you and your kids. Since there has been alcoholism in your family for so long ALL of you need counseling or at least go to Al-anon. Your husband needs to focus on himself right now and you really need to allow him that time and you also need to focus on you...so please take this time and use it wisely. If you do I promise you will end up being a better mom, wife and most importantly a better individual person! Good luck, please keep us posted!

[Rileysmama]

Thank you so much for your comments and encouragement. I'm trying to keep it together, but yesterday I finally talked to some friends, who all new of the situation in my home life and wouldn't say anything to me. But they all had there two cents to put in. They insisted on taking me out last night and they all acted like it was a celebration or something. I didn't really like there excitement about this. I don't share there joy at this time. It makes me want to shut them out, just so I don't have to defend him or my actions, when I don't want to have to do that. They thought that a girls night out would help, but I feel worse today. I hate being the downer. This is all so hard, I don't know how people do this.

[kim715]

Honey,it's hard for people who haven't walked in your shoes to understand.I'm sure you're friends meant well.They care about you and it's hard to see you hurting.Most things in life are easier said then done,and they don't have the same emotional attachment to your husband as you do.It's just easier to judge when you're standing outside the circle.You're hearts invested in your husband and your family,so they're not looking at things from the same point of view.I'm sure they just love you and want to see you and your children happy.You're not a downer,hon.You're going through a rough time,and although it's important to keep a brave face ion front of your children,you don't have to do that here and you don't have to do that in front of your friends.Talk to them about how you're feeling.They won't be able to fully understand,because they're not in your shoes,but if they are truly your friends,they'll listen to what you're saying and just try to be there for you.

Gizzy gave you the link for al anon.I really think you would benefit from that.Keep posting.It's not an easy time for you,but you're doing what you need to do.Hang in there hon........Peace....Kim

[letitgoaway]

I can totally understand what you say. My husband hasn't worked for 2 years. He has late stage liver disease now and continues to drink. I finally moved out, but I can't stop missing him. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why should I keep giving when all he does is take from us. Addiction is selfish. My friends try to keep my upbeat, but I know they hate being around me because my life is so pathetic. I am so used to being the help, and now I need it, but not what they are giving. I am trying to get into sewing and do collages and anything to give myself an outlet with a product as an end result. I am so sick of the verbal and emotional abuse, but I love him so much. I keep hoping it will make sense to him. I am so guilty- I can't just leave him emotionally. Why do I continue to look at him as a person who can make it. He has been in and out of treatment, jail, and continues to be out of bounds. When will we have enough? I keep thinking when he dies I will be free. I don't know what to do in the meantime.

[Rileysmama]

I know what you mean. When will I learn? I have had that feeling that if he died I'd be free and even that makes me sick because how could I even think that. Even now I want to see him and when I do, he gives me those puppy dog eyes of I'm sorry. He's been sober for almost a week and I can see the man I fell in love with right now, but I know if he doesn't get help it will be the same thing again in a few weeks. He's suppose to go to rehab tomorrow and now the place is saying there's problems. I can't catch a break. I want to go home and I can't til he gets into inpatient rehab. I can't carry the load of his parents emotions. They treat me almost like I'm not capable of taking care of my kids or myself alone and that's really all I've done for 10 years. I'm losing my mind. I miss him so much. I'm so pathetic. It ***** to say I'm glad to here that other people are going through the same thing, but it is kind of a relief that it's not just me.

[worried878]

i think it is normal that u miss him...my daughters husband left her recently and he verbally abused her to where now she has no self esteem...and she misses him...i think u miss a headache if u had it long enough,,not to be joking but it is true...we can miss negative parts of our lives cos it is a habit/a daily routine theat is now gone

she told me yesterday "I can not do this" meaning get along without him..she has a 9 year old and a good job/rich dad/ so she doesnt really need him..but she thinks she does......i told her what coice does she have?  she can either "do this" or not "do this" and the second alternative is not a choice...being strong is not really sumpin we are born with..life teaches us how to be strong cos we have to live thru things.....most people would not choose the alternative as it is grim....so u will live thru this and a while from now u will look back and think "I was strong, I did this, and now I am so much better off"  good luck to u..things get better..there are support groups out there for u as well if u need them

[Marymoe36]

I am going through the same thing right now. Sunday I dropped my man off after over three years of being like we were married for his alcoholism. One thing you have over me is yours is at least trying to stop. Mine won't even try. He has been drinking mildly for twenty five years, heavily for two. I miss him so terribly bad and my heart is just breaking. I am having panic attacks even while I am asleep. It is terrible. Sometimes tough love is all we can give them. I agree that going out and having a good time with friends does not help me. I sit alone going crazy on an emotional roller coaster. This will get better, just be strong and do not back down now. You had enough courage to leave so be glad you have them. Some women are not as strong. We may miss them but we know a lifetime of alcoholism is worse. You can get through this. This site and the caring people do help me greatly as I am having some really low moments.

[carolbee]

You deserve a big bear hug!   I have a couple of words for you Al anon.  and co- dependency.  Look into it.  You obviously love him- not in the past, but in the present tence.    Just like drugs, there is a void.  And I imagine no one has let you know its o.k.  But you have made a very heartbreaking and brave decision and if he wants (wanted) to keep you, he'll stop.  If he doesn't or won't it's his choice.  But you need support, and you need to take care of you and your children.  And he needs to grow up and put on his big boy pants, and if not, don't change his diaper anymore.  Co-dependency can drive you to your own (not healthy) coping mechanisms.  A word to the wise, co-dependents can also enable.  And sabotage anothers recovery without bieng aware of it.  Stay online. There are free counselors out there, your Health dept can direct you.  or google N/A+your city,your state.  Save the party for later. and take care of you.

[Rileysmama]

Al-anon isn't for me. I've been and I just didn't relate to it very much. I need to talk with people of different stages of this type of problem. (Like Evolution) People in Al-anon all seem to have healed and aren't saying much about how they got there. I feel like my story was once familar to them and they look at me like there glad to have those years behind them. I just haven't connected with anyone at those meeting before. I'm not saying I won't ever go again, but right now I need more one on one or group discussions. I'm really not ready to be around anyone right now. Thank you for all your stories and kind words.

[mtgoat911]

how many meetings did you goto?
did you read courage to change?
i am a recoevring addict, but i was in a situation my first year clean
my husband was on pain meds.
he was not ready to quit
i went to narcanon, and i too......hated the meetings, some of the people there told me i belonged back in na with my kind, when i introduced myself as an addict and married to an addict
but one lady took the time to listen to my pain, and actually helped me get through the stress of joining a new community
maybe you can give it another shot, get to know people a little better, people do not always like to talk about the bad stuff until they know you a little better
allow the alonon crew a chance
you are always welcome here
xo

[Rileysmama]

I'd like to thank everyone for your advice. I'll consider trying alonon again. I've been enrolled in some classes to help through my husbands rehab. We'll see how that goes. I'm just taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best.

[genie_2116]

OK.  This is my first post and today is day 4, week 1 of my husband in an impatient rehab 1200 miles away from home.  I have a 10 year old and I am a wreck.  I never thought I would be since this is what I wanted but the therapist thinks it is too soon for me to see him this first/second weekend in the facility.  But my husband wanted me to see him every week while he was there.  So like an idiot, I bought $1000 of plane tickets and hotel accommodate rearranging my life to be there.  Now the docs at rehab think it is a bad idea.  Why didn't they say anything in the beginning or was I tricked by the same person who has lied to me for a very long time.  I am angry, sad, mad and depressed.  But like many others, I miss him and I am starting to hate myself for it.  And he has been an absolute torture for a good part of our marriage.  But I love him, Why???.  What upsets me more is that I am here, having to take care of it all and keep it together while he focuses on himself.  Then after he is done, he walks right in with no physical consequences.  No loss of income, domicile, food, people, nothing.  But I have to keep it together and he reeps all the benefit of my insanity and hard work.  Nothing new.

Throughout the last couple of years, he has been able to take time off from work, from home from everything with no success.  But during all of that, someone still has to keep the unit together, and that has been me.  I have put myself first, most times and I have succeeded in my career.  I have picked up hobbies and activities that bring me joy and I have been able to do what I want, for the most part.  I moved up the ladder to become a dept mgr at a major law firm and I can support myself, no questions asked.  He is unemployed, laid off after 9 years at the same law firm (the place I got him a job).  Heck, he is in a 5 start rehab, living it up with my insurance.  So when will it be my turn to turn everything off and focus on me.  I hear everyone's comments about taking this time to remove the dependency, etc. but how.  How does one do that?  Everyday has been worse, not better and with everyday I cry more.  I am angry at myself for being this stupid and putting myself out there who has a serious issue.  I don't have an addictive personality.  I don't have As in my past life.  I had good parents and a very good upbringing.  And the last couple of years, I am being punished.  First, both my parents die, my sister moves 1000 miles away and now my husband has cracked and is in rehab.  I don't have anyone to talk to or be there for me.  If it wasn't for my little man, I don't know if I would get up out of bed.  But I do.  I take deep breaths and I continue with my day.  

I will say this.  The stories here are very encouraging and I have hope that this place will help him.  I have heard good things about it on the internet.  So I have some hope that the next 15 years will be better than the first.  I will not stay with him another minute if he doesn't sober up.  I can't.  That is where I am putting myself first.  But I can't shake this missing him business.  I don't want to take care of him.  But I want to make sure his is OK and getting better, I guess to see what the future may be.

[ibizan]

well u have a lotta years invested with this man.....sounds like u have given nurtured supported cajoled......what have u gotten in return?i think ppl stay in toxic relationships for the known is predictable.....and u hope that this person will turn around with your love and support.......but what a cool world this would be if humans reacted that way!but they don't for the most part!this man has a lot of work to do on himself......if he's willing to do it.......doesn't sound tho like ur getting much for ur investment so in time u'll need to consider  cashing in ur chips moving on and making a healthy drama free less stressful life for u and ur child!

[meyan]

Both my husband and myself are alcohol/drug addicts. I've tried to leave him twice, the first time I had the moving van full and he managed to talk me out of it, the second time I left for 3 months been back for 8 years. What a idiot I am to keep staying in an abusive situation. Change is hard. When I was on my own, I kept in touch with my husband so much during that time, and I couldn't find a support group that I clicked with. Now I can see what I do wrong. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, but I need to leave again, and I wish I could just die instead. I'm afraid.

[taharnix]

I want you to know how much I understand what you're going through.  I have my own sad story but, as there are so many others and it's more of the same, I'll spare you that.

You seem to want to know how to get past this and be "okay" so I'll give you the steps I've taken.  It's been 9 months for me and I still have my days when I feel lonely and miss him, what I miss I have no idea because he made my life miserable and lonely for so long, but I do miss him.  But, what I have come to realize, at least in myself, is my "addiction" to him.  Pure and simple, it's like we become addicted to the addict and have to go through much of the same steps to recover.  They occupy our whole lives and minds, just like the alcohol occupies theirs.  Just as alcohol is unhealthy to them, our toxic relationships with them are unhealthy for us.  I try to remind myself of this every time I "miss him."  I think the hardest part for me is holding out a hope that he will get better, somehow be the person I remember.  I then also try to remind myself that, even if he does get better, I will spend the rest of your life with someone who could relapse at any time.  I also try to remind myself, HONESTLY, that he has betrayed and devastated me to such a degree that I could never trust him again.  No matter how much I want to believe I love him and could work through it, deep in my heart I know I never could again.  

The hardest part of all of this, for me, is that feeling that it's just not fair, just as you feel.  It's so hard to get past the anger that it makes me feel.  When I really think about it, though, it's more hurt that I feel - and that hurt is so deep that I have to replace it with anger to deal with it.  

As for what I have done, I have read a lot of web sites as you have.  At first it just made me more angry and sad to know that so many people were going through this, but that is fading now.  One thing that I have done that has helped me more than anything was learning to meditate.  There are lots of good books on the subject and many web sites.  Meditation helps you to clear your mind and not focus on your hurt.  It's hard at first and takes so much effort, but with time and practice you will learn to do just that.  Over a period of time that hurt and anger begins to be replaced with calm a peace of mind and spirit that we with co-dependency so lack.  Not that you don't still have bad days, but they get further and further apart and in time I know I will come to peace with all of this.

Another suggestion, get some exercise.  The endorphins released by the brain act as natural mood stabilizers.  I notice it when I don't exercise for a few days because I start having a harder time dealing with all of this.  Pick something that you have always wanted to do and't then do it.  For me, I picked piano lessons.  I plan on learning another language soon.  

I wish I had some magic words to say but I don't.  But don't give up and don't go back if you're sure you can't handle it.  Addiction is such a terrible disease and it destroys all that comes in it's path.  It is true, they won't change if you're there to pick them up over and over - and it will absolutely destroy you in the process.  I hate to say it, but there is just no easy way out.  Just like the alcoholics 12 steps, one day at a time for us as well.  It's so true.

I really wish you the best and peace in your heart!

[taharnix]

This is for all posting on this board as well.  I made the decision to leave 9 months ago after much drama and pain, sometimes wondered if I made the right decision.  Now I'm so glad I did because my life has been truly changing for the better  I read the following on a board a bit back.  Something in it really touched my heart and made me understand addiction and our love for the addict more than anything else I ever read.  It was a real turning point for me when I read it, maybe it could help you as well.  


“In my life when I have lessons that I have to learn, big or small - rarely do I take advice from others. I almost always have to get burned and experience that pain myself before I make a change in my life. I get annoyed when someone thinks that they can tell me the "right way" I am supposed to do things. I get aggravated and I usually see that person as preaching.

This is how we appear to the addicts in our lives. We can't keep punishing them, it accomplishes nothing. We have to get out. That's it. We have to let go. We have to be strong. We have to live our own lives. I often think about how I continue to make loving choices in my life, to be kind, thoughtful, enthusiastic, and tap into joy, love, patience, health, peace. I really try hard at this. So why am I getting dumped on by my alcoholic/drug addicted husband?

You know why? Because I keep sticking around and letting this situation bring out the worst in me. I yell at my husband, I tell him over and over again about the mess that he has made. I blame. I pull away, and then beg for closeness. I am a ping pong ball all over the place and his addiction is the paddle. It pushes all of my buttons, it ruins my usually peaceful disposition, it drains me, and it's going to waste more and more of my life.

Getting out is right. Staying is wrong. It's not for lack of love. It's because we can't fix these broken souls, their addiction is not our fault, and it is not selfish if you make the choice to distance yourself from it. Love them from a far. If you have to have them in your life in order to feel whole, then there is something selfish going on inside of you. There is nothing wrong with loving them from a far.”

[allmymarbles]

If you stay away from him long enough, you may meet someone else to love. He is not the only man in the universe.

[ibizan]

we women have a bad habit...we fall in love with a mans potential..and i've seen good  men do the same with bad women!we overlook some very obvious problems with them and focus on what they could be...and foolishly think that if we love and support them enuf they'll want to change for the relationship!sometimes this can happen but in many instances it doesn't....and the receiving party continues to take a lot of manure and gets no love or support in return!many women stay out of financial reasons or for kids....its been 3 years since i broke up with a man i loved so much...relapsed cocaine addict.he turned in2 a raging beast from hell..and he thought i would take it for i'd been alone for 10 years and really loved him.I love the peace/quiet i have in my life and not having to listen to his attempts to verbally abuse me!i came close to physically trying to knock him out but stopped myself!there is no price one can put on the peace and sanity by removing an alcoholic/addict from ur life who has no desire to change!i can only be responsible for my own recovery and staying sober/clean!I create my own happiness in life!unwise to rely on another to do that for u!my animals help:)

[Rileysmama]

It's been a about 8 months since I started talking on this forum, and he's been home from his in patient and been back to detox about a hand full of times already. He'll go a couple months between relapses and when he does they're getting shorter. He says he's really trying and I want to believe him, but does that mean I'm enabling him. I love him to much to leave. I have a decent job and home and I'm a full time student. To pick up and leave now, seems to only make my life more difficult. Am I being selfish? How long do I keep on doing this? He's a good man, his drinking is just sad and makes him pathetic.

[ibizan]

how old r ur children?are they in the home and a witness to his drunken behavior?how does this affect them?

[ibizan]

i have more questions-who is paying for all of this mans detoxes?does he work and help u with the children or r u supporting him?doesn't all this turmoil have a negative affect on ur grades for school?why is it YOU think ur selfish when u have stood by one with all this drinking all the detoxes and no recovery..yet?u ask how long will this go on?for as long as u allow it too!great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt...no one takes advantage of u without ur consent!

[Rileysmama]

My kids are in the home (10,8, and 3), my oldest seems to be the one most effected by this. She gets just as pissed at him as I do. I do worry about her. He pays for his own rehab and stuff. He holds his own with work, he makes more than I do, NOW. He helps with the kids and he's actually a nice guy. I'm just really worried about the drinking and if it will ever STOP. Do I have to leave in order for him to quit?