My wife drinks a bottle of wine every night

[NeedHelpInOregon]

For the last several (7-8) years, my wife has been dependent on at least one bottle of wine every night, sometimes more. She's seen a counselor to try to cope with her issues (childhood sexual abuse), but that's petered out. She's tried taking meds to stop drinking but that didn't result in any long term improvement. She's gained significant weight (despite having has gastric bypass 10 yrs ago), and our sex life is tenuous at best. She doesn't get visibly drunk, or slur her words, but there have been conversations that she doesn't remember the next day. She also is very lethargic at night. I know if I don't act things will just get worse and worse. One issue I have is that I haven't shared this with anyone. Should I see a professional?  Should I share this with a trusted friend?  I feel I need to have someone close to me know what's going on so I have a shoulder to lean on.

Ugh.  This *****!

[LostinSpace75]

Hello. I read your post from 2013 with great interest as my wife is going through exactly the same thing. She had a gastric bypass 5 years ago and now drinks a bottle of wine a night at least. This has been going on for about 1.5years and despite my doing consistent requests for her to stop she carries on. Her drinking affects her badly due to the gastric bypass. She gets  overly emotional, prone to irrational thinking and being unsteady on her feet. It’s also impacting her relationship with our children. I’m at a loss to know what to do.

I wonder how your wife is now several years later? I doubt you are still reading this forum but I hope you had a successful resolution. Did you manage to solve the problem or did it get worse? What advice would you give me being that I’m in a similar position. Thanks

[specialmom]

I wanted to reach out to you lostinspace75.  I'm sure you feel very lost and worried about this.  The hardest part about having a partner with a substance abuse problem or addiction and in this case , drinking problem, is if they are unwilling to acknowledge it.  I am sure that is very frustrating. And as the partner, you sit and watch them basically derailing their whole life and the lives of their loved ones suffer as well. How old are your kids? I've read that you can not have a discussion with her about drinking WHILE she is drinking. So, you do it earlier in the day when she is sober.  Her brain is sick.  She will come up with every excuse in the book to keep drinking even at the detriment of her family.  It's so hard and sad to watch!  I really feel for you from the bottom of my heart.  

Are you in the states?  There is something called Al Anon which can be very supportive.  You would learn that you can still love her but not be a part of the situation.  Someone I know has gone through something similar and they had to set boundaries.  This included not going anywhere with the drinker if they were going to drink.  Not a family holiday gathering, not an anniversary dinner, not a wedding.  Nowhere if the drinker was drinking.  That would be a rough one for most people but so often, a family will try to go along like everything is normal pretending the problem isn't there.  This really only makes the problem last longer.  Don't buy her alcohol, don't ever drink with her and that's a good place to start.  

The age of your kids also really matters in this discussion. But I'm here if you want or need to talk!

[Gators941]

I feel for you.  My wife hit rock bottom- or so we thought once.  Turns out it was just a few weeks of not drinking.  When drinking she is easily offended or wronged somehow.  It ends with her snoring and waking up cloudy on details but knows for certain she was wronged the night before.  Very frustrating.  Whenever I broach the subject, she tells me to have all of my affairs in order before I go "judging" her.  

[kyle82]

Let me show you some sympathy. I know how it feels when your better half is at stake and so is your marital life. Prior to taking her to any physician, I think it will be better for both of you to discuss the pros and cons. Don't be just shy to tell a trusted friend about it. Don't you know anyone who is much close to your wife, I mean any intimate friend of your wife? If there is one, let that freind know. Then, you discuss how you can help her make it through the recovery.

[march15oct5]

Thank your post.  After 13 years of sobriety, I started drinking again a little over a year ago now.  It has quickly become a problem again.  I have been trying to control it again and it isn't working.  I tell myself that I am going to just have one or two glasses or wine, but I never stop until the bottle is gone.  Actually, a good night is only one bottle.  I am so disgusted and ashamed that I am back here again.  I relate to what your fiance says about drinking making her relax.  That's what I say too.  But, the next day is always worse. I hope she gets better.  I hope I do too.  

[dmaster]

Have a similar problem
My Fiance is drinking 1-1½ bottle every single night.
She is in good health, exercises an hour almost every day, but 6 pm she hits the bottle.
the first or 2nd glass she is ok but after that she gets "tired", annoyed with everything, frustrated and argumentative ... OR very loving, but most often its the first.
I hide ... I mind my own business, get out of the way and do my own thing.
The next morning she remembers that there had been "issues", but not really in details and everything is "perfect" in her mind.
Im not really sure what to do about it. I dont really want to "forbid" her to drink as I believe that we all should do what what need to do .... and since Im a smoker, I know she will just turn that against me.
The trade that I stop smoking and she stops drinking wont work on her.
She claims that drinking is the only thing that can make her relax and combined with a few sleeping pills a few times a week she "feels" better .. she says.

[ibizan]

Have u been to any Al-Anon meetings yet?

[NeedHelpInOregon]

Thank you for your comments.  I have read them, and re-read them, several times since I posted this.  Months have passed, and I only now have the strength and courage (desparation maybe?) to reply and say thank you.   I started seeing a therapist about her issues, but my wife thinks this woman is not qualified, she doesn't trust this woman, so I am having to line up someone else.  Tonight we had a serious discussion, and I feel things will only get worse from here.  Please pray for me.  Please wish me luck.  I'm going to need all of it and more.

D

[princy100]

hi.. I'm sorry for the situation you are facing in. Sit with your wife and talk with the problem you have on her and you itself give a counselling so that she might try to change her attitude for recovery.After that ask her to attend 12-step program and if she is not comfortable with join her in any good reputed drug rehab centers and that should be done with her permission... she should have the intention to join and recover from it.. Please help her out by you showing love and affection

[BluCrystal]

Hello, Need.  I used to be 'your wife': married, long time drinker, refusing help or even admitting I had a problem.  My husband was like you, not knowing what to do.  The truth about any addiction, i think, is that the person having the addiction must realize there is something wrong, and then later come to a 'bottoming out' where they know they can't take one more day of it, and actually seek help on their own.  It's a long, frustrating process for both members of a marriage.  It took me years and years to 'bottom out', and I had other issues going on as well (mentally).  I am of the opinion that my husband actually helped me to reach the bottom: at first he tried not supporting my habit, not allowing me money enough to buy it (I don't work), and then after I hoarded enough to go get a bottle, he would refuse to be around me while I was drunk.  This tactic actually works in some cases I know.  But it didn't work for me: I literally didn't care if he was around or not.  I just wanted the bottle.  He switched tactics on me.  He let me have all the alcohol I could drink, he would leave bottles for me at home, and bring more when he came home from work.  He was not mean to me at all about it.  I was overjoyed at first, really enjoying being drunk every day.  Of course, it made me feel physically really awful.  It took me a little over two weeks of this before I 'broke': was sick and sick of being sick.  That's when I requested to go to rehab.  I was there 6 days (some take longer), but I am sober and I feel wonderful now.  I don't know what will help your wife.  I do know that the fact that my husband never left me was a big help.  I will be happy to respond if you msg me about this... maybe there is something I can say that will help you... - Blu

[GoPens66]

I am at a lost as too what to suggest.  I was in a similiar situation a few years back as your wife is.  I had become an alcoholic a fews after the death of my sister with whom I was extremely close too.  At first I was a highly functional drunk.  Did not slur but I did not remember anything.  I also had had gastric bypass surgery that did not do much for me either.  Did you know that the likelyhood of someone becoming an alcoholic after gastric bypass is very high?  I did not know that until after I got sober, and to tell you the truth I might not have done it had I known.  I do think that her drinking will only continue to get worse.  And I am a firm believer that no alcoholic will get help or help themselves until they admit they have a problem.  It is really sad, that most will not accept help.  I did not think I needed help.   As for yourself....pls talk to someone.  I would look for a counselor that specilizes in addiction counseling.  It takes a really strong person, to help someone with a drinking problem.  And what you need to remember is that you must come first.  If you are not well, you can not help anyone else.  

I wish you the best.  I wish your wife a sober day.  God Bless ....