college alcoholic

[surfin]

Well, I got into some trouble with alcohol.  Since freshman year of college (I'm now a junior) I had been getting drunk 3-4 times a week, usually drinking anywhere from 7-25 drinks in a night (I'm a big guy).  Once I turned 21, as the oldest of my friends, it became easier to get enough alcohol to black out or get crazy.  It seemed like the more we drank, the better the night was, and we were all doing it so it couldn't be a problem.  I accumulated a bunch of possession tickets before I turned 21 and my parents kept bailing me out.  Eventually, just a few months before my 21st,  I was given a drunk in public ticket, and woke up in jail in a city 40 miles from my house (weird experience as I was still drunk after release) and I don't even know what happened besides what people told me (bad sign).  All in all, alcohol was messing up my life, even though I only drank on the weekends, yet I had no clue.  Alcoholism didn't cross my mind until my family intervened after this last ticket.  My parents got expensive lawyers, so even with the 5 tickets, I have a clean record.  I also moved out of that house into a house with randoms and 1 friend to avoid temptation.

I talked to a counselor and got sober for a month and a half.  I decided it was time to stop seeing her and simply control my drinking.  This went sour because my mom is an alcoholic, so when I felt safe at home, I decided to resume, but that did not turn out well.  I am able to only drink 1-2 nights a week now (Fri and Sat), but its difficult to control how much, since all of my best friends are getting hammered.  It's been about 6 weeks since I resumed drinking again.  Every time I wake up after drinking too much at my friends how I have bad anxiety and I scurry home as fast as possible so I can get to work or be alone, it's weird but I don't feel at place doing nothing the next day, I think it's the anxiety.  I am trying to be a medical student so this is not making an already difficult path any easier. Even though I thought it would take the stress away, it has made my life a huge puzzle with the pieces broken and wet and all over the place.

Well, this weekend, after much deliberation for the last month or so, I decided to try to give it up again, this time for a long time, maybe forever.  I had a bottle of wine at my house that I keep in case company wants to drink, which I was never tempted by because I knew I would be drunk with friends at my old house once the weekend came.   Yesterday night (Friday) was supposed to be my first sober weekend night, but this was not as easy as I remembered.  I ended up drinking the bottle and spending the night alone until I fell asleep.  Tonight, my anxiety is even higher.  I got voice mails from my old best friend about how I disappeared, but I just don't go over there because I don't feel like myself around those guys.  I kinda feel like I changed to be accepted by them and make friends, and was able to keep that going by getting drunk.  Well, they are my friends, I may just be panicking....

Either way, I'm not sure if I should just wait it out, or try to go hangout with them on weekdays, or start making new friends.  It's a puzzling situation, has anyone been through something similar?  I can say though, after my last break from drinking, that you do start to retake control and regain confidence without alcohol.  Right now, night number 1, I feel anxious, can't sleep, chest pain, and my hands are shaking a little.

Thanks for reading!  Let me know if you need advice or have any for me

[ibizan]

so glad to hear u are continueing along the road of recovery.....it is always a journey and never a destination....we are nothing more than guides and mentors here......u are the ONE that does the hard work and so glad our experiences and insights have helped you find your own path.....see?then in AA one or more will come along that will benefit from your experience and you can guide them....the cycle of service work!oh yes!:)

[surfin]

Thank you all for the help.  If not for you, I would be withering away in my own head or getting myself into more trouble and denile.  I have 38 days sober now, and I go to at least 1 meeting a day.  I'm slowly making new friends, and starting to appreciate the people I used to hate.  I can't thank you enough.  Sometimes I still feel lonely and depressed, but I know how to manage that better now.  Instead of getting drunk or high, I go to a meeting or do an activity.  Recently I started to get depressed again, so I reread all the advice you all gave me, and it reminded me why I'm doing what I'm doing, and who I was before I committed to sobriety.

I'm discovering who I am for the first time, and dealing with genuine relationships for the first time.  A couple of months ago I was only living for myself, and I had almost no one.  Now, although I have much to learn, I try to live to serve.

You've spared me 38 days of misery, and for that I am grateful.

Thanks again,

David

[dominosarah]

Good for you on attending meetings......Recovery care is so vital to our success.  All the best~~~~~sara

[surfin]

thanks! hope youre doing well too

[ibizan]

so glad you found the rooms!keep attending....hope you find a good sponsor!

[surfin]

if youre young and looking for help on this website, go to AA meetings.  im in the first 2 weeks of sobriety right now, its weird and hard but AA is a huge help.  i was curious enough to be looking online for answers, so i thought i might as well get instant answers at a meeting.  good luck

[ibizan]

well u know in your head whats goin on....you know in your heart and you struggle with it...like we all did.....when it sinks to your gut and all 3 line up and hopefully u'll make the committment to abstinence from ALL liquid and other forms of chemicals.......i've seen ppl your age do it......hell i was 28 when i went to my first young ppl's AA meeting!i had 60 days of sobriety and there were ppl in that room younger than i with more recovery.I really had a ton of admiration for them and that!Don't let this cunning BEAST ruin your dreams and academic goals.It can and will if u allow it!

[surfin]

i'm starting to realize it from talking about it.  i found a good counselor at my school today, hopefully the fog will begin to rise and i can get off the rollercoaster

[ibizan]

u've received very good feedback here and i hope u take it to heart and WAKE UP to your alcoholism.I began to drink at 14-drank to get drunk-was there any other way?i always seemed to be missing the OFF switch.I thought blackouts were a normal part of drinking for many years.Regular pot use occurred at 17 until age 28.Then came forays with LSD ,Valium and i ended it up with a nice cocaine habit.Something knocked my noggin to accept my alcoholism/drug addiction.....i wearied of the blackouts,drunk driving,trying to stop only to replace the alcohol with another chemical......AA has a awesome pamphlet called The Merry-GoRound of Denial.Then there are these things called friends.....calling to see if i wanted to go out and get drunk,calling when they knew i had a lot of pot i had just bought....but when i made the decision and the committment to get sober/clean the calls stopped.Good!One of my friends said to me that he could no longer hang with me for i was a reminder to him of the problem he had that he was unwilling to do anything about.That was 26 years ago and today he looks like a withered alcoholic which he is and i look pretty healthy which i am!So take charge of your life, your sanity and your future for your friends don't worry about you like you do them,they are concerned with their own party/buzz!Go sit in a AA meeting and listen,don't compare yourself out of the room!No one is ever to young for alcoholism and many of us here are cyber proof of it!

[dominosarah]

Take a trip to the Substance Abuse forum if you dont think coke and heroin are bad.  I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict.  I almost lost my life from both of these.........sara

[surfin]

Thanks his3707, we seem to be coming from a similar place.  You make some good points, it seems like alcohol has been slowly holding me back and draining my ambitions. I've been waiting for the weekends and feeling like hell on Monday-Wednesday, only to feel better Thursday and start all over with the heavy drinking.  We've both probably taken enough life-threatening chances.  It's really hard to see the big picture for me right now, but I'm hopeful that it will come back.

Making new friends was the part of recovery that was hardest, and that eventually led me into relapsing with my old friends.  What I'm going to do now is somewhat of a leap of faith, but I really don't have any other options but to start a new.

I think binge-drinking is the thing that makes drugs like coke and cigs seem not as bad to do, as I too was addicted to cigs once and have done coke a dozen times.  I'm studying biopsychology, and alcohol seems to be much worse for your body and mind than pure coke or heroine, which i don't think most people realize.  As a kid, we despise and look down on addicts, now I'm starting to realize addiction exists in and of itself, and staying away from addictive substances can alleviate that label of addict.

Good luck man

[dominosarah]

We are always here if you need to talk.  We do understand what you are going thru.    sara

[surfin]

thanks for the honesty, i'll be sure to keep your opinions in mind as I go through this trial

[dominosarah]

You sound like a puppet.  Your friends pull your strings and you do whatever they tell you.  If you continue on this path you are on they will be coming to your funeral.  Binge drinking like you are doing is deadly.  I live about an hour away from a college town and 6 young people died in less than a year.  You have a life time ahead of you but your hopes and dreams will go right down the drain if you dont do something now.  Your mom is an alcoholic so that is one strike against you already.  We as children of alcoholics are at a much greater risk of being one ourselves.  Please get back into counseling or check out some meetings.  Drinking is only a symptom of what is really going on with you.  As for the friends, either they accept your decision to stop or kick them to the curb.  Real friends will support you.  Make you the no.1 priority and get some help with this.  You wont be sorry~~~~~~sara

[rod44]

You need to stop drinking now before something bad happens.....

If your friends decided to jump off a building would you join them?
Get back talking to your  councillor keeping in mind that they can only help you if you are totally honest with them....
I can identify with you but unfortunately I did not listen to people who predicted that I was in trouble with my drinking and so continued to drink, I stopped drinking many times and eventually got sober in 2002, I had and continue to have medical problems due to my drinking even though I have not had a drink in many years.
Once an addict always an addict, I decide each morning that I am not going to drink, I dont plan to stay sober for a week a month or a year I deal with today and I dont allow anyone or anything to change this. Friends can accept this or take a hike. It is MY sobriety, it is my life and it is my sanity that MUST come before everything.....

Ray