I have serious control problems. It isn't that I like to be in charge all the time, rather that I cant stand having someone else in control. I like to be equals with people. I realize that this is a problem, because when I go to work, I might have problems with my boss. It doesn't seem to be as prominent with distant people, though, like teachers, so I don't think it will affect my work life negatively. What I hate is parental control. My mother is lax, but I can't even stand the suggestion of a rule, or of an order.
When I was little, I found a parenting book my mother had. I didn't like the aspect of being controlled even then, so I ripped the pages out and scribbled all over it.
I know I need to get over this. I have four years until I'm eighteen, and I cant live through them in fury. I never blow up, or yell at people, I'm more like a ticking time bomb that never has a chance to go off. Yesterday, I was going somewhere with my friend's father. He's extremely uptight, and wouldn't allow us to walk around a street mall, saying things like "Do you read the newspaper? Have you heard of the horrible things that happen?!"
Right, because we're stupid enough to be lured into a dark corner. Like there aren't any witnesses. As if I'm naive enough to believe what someone tells me.
This guy is from a small town, and I see him as cowardly. My mother says that she just want's to keep me safe, and that she was sort of glad that we didn't walk around alone on a Friday afternoon, because we're inexperienced. I get this, but how am I supposed to gain any experience if I never go out to do something? It's like looking for a job, and you cant get one because you don't have any experience, and you don't have experience because you can't get a job because you don't have experience; a vicious cycle.
I try to look at the merits that my age has, but the downfalls seem so much more prominent. I hate being fourteen, it's so awkward, I just want my teen years to be over. Everything I do is attributed to an 'undeveloped brain' or 'surging hormones'. Aren't I allowed to have emotions without it being called teenage angst?
Just rereading this makes me angry. Like I said, I don't like the suggestion of any control over me. I have a very assertive personality. But I think this anger makes my mother feel like I'm pushing her away, or that I'm being rude. I don't ask to do anything, I just do it. I don't respect people because they're older; I don't like the aspect that they think they're better than me.
This was more of a rant than a question, I'm sorry. But for anyone who read this and replied, thank you.