Well, hmm, I'm not going to argue the issue of people being racist, or I guess I'd be more likely to say tribal. Human beings evolved in tiny groups, based on family (who of course all looked alike). They way they survived was by fearing and mistrusting the next group from down the valley or from the other side of the hill, lest they get their provisions stolen or worse. Among the first signals humans use to decide if a person is from the "other" group or from "our" group is how they look, followed by if we know them. Hair color and skin color can be seen from a long way off, farther than early weapons could be thrown, so noticing those became a primary signal to use for protection and survival. People stuck with their own little unit for safety, and basically all others were suspect.
Humanity might have outgrown the need for this kind of knee-jerk reaction today, but it is still in our genetic programming to some extent. I think people are gradually getting better at not applying group stereotypes to appearance, but we're not great at it even today.
The way we surmount it is by interacting. Like I said above, first we notice the cue of hair and skin, and then the second question is, "Do I know him?" If a person has interacted with someone who looks different than themself, he or she is much more likely to see them as a human being and not a stereotype. It sounds like you aren't in a place where you meet a broad swath of people of all colors, shapes and sizes and interact with them around something that is cheerful. It's really too bad you don't have this. In some places the thing that helps overcome racism the most is that a big group of people have a common interest or goal, and get to know each other as human beings first before they pigeonhole them by appearance.
The thing that is distressing in what you are writing is that you sound like you have not had ANY help coping with all of this. Is there no counselor who you can talk to about this? A pastor or a therapist or a doctor? It is really amazing what can help when you're in a world of hurt. It doesn't fix the world, but it can help you find your center again.
I'd try talking to my doctor and asking for a referral to a counselor, tell him the pressures and stresses of life are getting to you so much that it really is a crisis and you're thinking of harming yourself or others. He or she will have to take this seriously.
Hello! I just wanted to say that I'm sorry this is going on with you. I can tell that it is distressing to you. You seem aware that this is scary stuff and really don't want to be in this position. I agree that if you begin to fear you will really act on this-- PLEASE reach out. Go to the ER. Tell them of suicidal thoughts or violent thoughts. They WILL help you. It may be scary to take that step but it is an option you have because I'm sure you don't really want to hurt someone. I saw in another post, that you would like to see a therapist for anger management and I think that is a fantastic idea. In LA, when I googled that, I found a few places that specialize in anger management and can get that info to you if you would like.
I can't tell you that your anger toward women is wrong, unjust, etc. Clearly you know something is amiss with your thinking. I won't beat up on you or argue with you. They are your feelings. But it is the underlying propensity to want to lash out and hurt back that is worrisome. This is where I think you really need to focus. If there is anything I can do to help, I will. We want you to be safe and all around you to be safe.