Anxiety and Relationships

[Emma82]

Hi everyone, I was just interested in hearing about how your anxiety has been affecting your relationships and how you've been coping with that.  I have been the most difficult person to live with for 2 months now, physically sick but since all the tests are negative, its chaulked up to anxiety.  But I can't shake it, I'm trying so hard.  Anyway, last night things came to a head with my husband.  Its not his fault, he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I've been terrible to live with, but he basically told me he wasn't happy and I was a big part of that.  I feel awful, and now just started to make myself cry again.  I can't believe my anxiety has taken me to the point where its jeopordizing my marriage....its makes me furious that I can't get control over this.  Anyway, I'm trying to look at last night as a turning point and really try to focus on being happy and keeping busy and I guess hopefully my anxiety will pass....its not fair that this condition or whatever we want to call it, has affected not just me but other people.  Anyone else have any similar situations or advice?  

[faisal741]

Emma  i am happy to know about improvement in ur situation. keep it up at ur end and u will see better results.

u may mail me directly , if needed, i think we should be a good listner to other's problems .

i m not a dostor but have some experience of life.

regards

[amanda__nichole]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I have been suffering from Anxiety and Panic Attacks for about 3 of them. But only in October of 08 did it become crippling for me. I got super depressed and wouldn't leave my room. The relationships it affected were with my boyfriend and my parents. My boyfriend, thank god, stuck by me. But I know any other person would have walked away. He wanted to go out and do things, and I would say NO! and just sit there and cry about it. Tell him how much I hated this. and no one understand. and even thought he did not understand he was supportive and knew I would do anything until I wanted to. My parents however were a lot harder on me. My mom hated that I was depressed cause she had been there once before. She didn't want me to be like her. My dad just did not understand. He said it was all in my head and I could control it. Well it took me until about January of this year to finally say enough is enough. I went to my PCD and got a new prescription. and I found a great therapist who is really helping!

To Emma82, I suggest you find a wonderful therapist. It might really help you and your marriage. I think therapy is what helps the most in the long run! It helps you feel in control of your anxiety, instead of the other way around!

[Emma82]

Thanks everyone for the insight, its been very helpful and made me feel a little better.  It was nice to hear from both points of view.  We went away this weekend and had a great time.  I still had physical symptoms but were able to keep them at bay and refused to let them ruin my good time.  I think focusing on keeping my marriage healthy will keep me from focusing on my anxiety too much, or at least not as much.  I think I let this anxiety consume me so much that I ended up taking advantage of the best thing in my life.  I don't know if recognizing this will make anything better in the long run, but it was quite the revelation.

[faisal741]

hi emma

its painfull to know about ur problem.

but don u worry, its part of life. if u haven't done anything wrong with your husband, then u will win this battle.

at this time just do one thing

Just Accept the reality, no matter how hard it is for you. i mean what ur husband said.please be clear in ur mind that i donot mean that ur husband will leave u...no no...i just mean that just accept the words of ur husband, just those sentences, dont believe on consequenses of those sentenses. there r chances upto 90 percent that nothing more severe will happen between both of u.

be more repectfull to him, more generous to him, provide him more comfort. and see the result. and one thong more pray god in late night time..


regards

let me know ur comments on my mail

zodiac741 on yahoo mail

[Hegarty]

Hi Emma,

I've been with my partner 2 1/2 years and married 5 months. He suffers with panic attacks and anxiety. Linked to that is hypochondria but this only seems to appear when he is really stressed. I am learning how to live with these. I have suffered with depression myself, although its not quite the same as my husband, I partly understand how it is for him. That said, I do find it difficult to deal with at times (I even posted on here a week or so ago and got some excellent advice from people I would class as experts), I find it draining as I am sometimes constantly trying fight the anxiety etc to reach my husband. I'm sure you are aware of the things I am about to say but I find sometimes repeating stuff reinforces positive things your mind can latch onto. With my husband I find that the best way, sometimes, to help him feel better is to distract his mind by going out for a walk, watching a movie, playing a computer game etc. Doing things he enjoys. He is waiting for an appointment with a therapist, hopefully one that deals in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. He thinks its a good idea to speak to someone who is not a family member or friend, that way he can say what he wants and not have to worry about the reaction. He doesn't take medication for this, as he finds them numbing and he can't be himself. However, some people, including myself when I have depression, find medication a lifesaver. So, it maybe something to consider if you are not already on any. If you are and you find they are not helping, go back to your doctor and see what alternatives there are. There are also natural remedies, such as St. Johns Wart and 5HTP. My husband uses 5HTP and finds it helps take the edge off of things sometimes.

As for your husband, I can imagine this is hard for him. I expect he loves you very much and hates seeing you feeling this way. He probably wants to see you happy and is trying what he knows best to do that. When it doesn't work I think he may find it (NOT you) frustrating and may be sometimes wonders whether its him that is making you this way. I have experienced all these things in my relationship. Something that helps me is to sit down with my husband and tell him my worries, this gives him a chance to tell me how he is feeling, what might help at that specific time and how much we love each other. I think he is quite unique in expressing his feelings, as men do seem to find it harder. Obviously you can mention this to your husband and see if he tries it. If he doesn't may be you should make a point of sitting down with him and chatting to him if you can see he is unhappy.

One last thing that could be useful is the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies, I definitely recommend the book.It looks at all aspects of anxiety, panic attacks, depression etc and gives you ways of tackling them. Most libraries should have a copy or be able to get a copy for you.

Good luck and remember you will get through this!!

Hegarty

[MrGreen]

I look after number 1 first. Myself. That can be hard enough at times. So I never saw any room for any relationships. If you can just about manage yourself, why bother taken somebody else onboard with you? Oh, plus I did spend 10 years indoors. Not the best place to meet any women. ( LOL )

[Paxiled]

I've gone years without a relationship, too, but I always end up back in one.  Now I'm married, been together for 13 plus years.  Still messed up, though, so it's not like relationships solve anything.  Just saying, you never know.

[Emma82]

Mr.Green, that's so sad.  It's so unfair that anxiety can have control over a person's entire life.  Its such a weird stupid illness that even the people who suffer from it don't understand....I don't want my anxiety making choices for me anymore.

[MrGreen]

In a nutshell, what relationship. Haven't had one of them in years. That's how much it has effected my life.

[Paxiled]

I get you now, and completely empathize.  My wife and I have been together for, you know I don't remember, over 13 years now, I think (only been married 4).  I found her late, but I found her.  Problem is, before, I just had panic attacks when I did certain things, and if I didn't do them I was fine.  Now, after an extreme Paxil withdrawal, the last three years I've been living in constant anxiety and depression, and it's so hard to think of anything but myself.  I've also lost my sense of humor, but what I do is, try as hard as I can to come up with something funny.  As I say, my wife lives a pretty independent life, so she isn't as bothered as most would be, but we're both so weary of it, and that the psychiatrists and therapists I've seen since don't have a clue how to fix what an incompetent psychiatrist broke.  So I know what you're going through, and it's so hard.  I wish I had better advice to give, but it would be disingenuous since I haven't fixed my own problem, but I'm here, we're all here, to talk if that helps give you someone to talk to so you don't dump it all on your husband.  It's just such a weird disorder, to be so anxious about things you're not actually afraid of.  

[Emma82]

I guess I should have clarified....when I say physically sick, I mean I've been having physical symptoms and basically been panicked either b/c of that or vice versa for basically 2 months.....but I'm not saying I've only had anxiety for 2 months.  I've had it for years, am medicated and have had some counseling.  I've just had a very bad bout of it for the last couple of months, not sure why, maybe I need to switch medicines.  I can't think of anything in my life that would have set it off.  I'm going to a neurologist next, to still look for anything physical, but so far any of the incurable diseases I've been convinced I've had, have come back negative. Anyway, I'm pretty sure its anxiety b/c as real as the symptoms are, they've been subsiding pretty much as quickly as I get my test results and then I get something totally different....so I recognize its my "mind", but I can't control it.   My husband and I have been together for over 7 years, its not our relationship I'm questioning, its how I can get him to really understand when I'm having a bad go at it.....b/c looking from the inside out, I don't know how'd I'd be able to deal with me sometimes either.  Paxiled, you say you've lost a lot of relationships, thats what I'm not willing to deal with.....this has been a real kick in the ***, that even if I can't control my anxiety at times, I need to come up with a much better way of handling it in my day to day life.  Unfortunately, the world doesn't stop for us and life goes on all around us....I guess that's what I'm struggling with.  Its as if I want everyone else to put everything on hold while I deal, but thats not reality.

Silver, you're right, it's difficult to explain b/c I don't even fully understand it myself.   I just know how awful I feel when its at its worst.  Thank you both for the advice, and anyone else with opinions on this topic, I'd love to hear more.

[Paxiled]

Two points:  the first is, you say you're physically sick.  Are you thinking anxious thoughts, are you panicking, or are you just feeling sick?  Sick how?  Just because a doctor tells you it's anxiety doesn't make it so; they may be testing for the wrong thing, their tests may not show what you're suffering from, it may be a food reaction, it could be anything.  Those  of us with a bad anxiety problem think negative, nervous, panicky thoughts, and we avoid doing things because of that.  If that doesn't describe you, it might not be anxiety.  Of course, it also might be.  If it is, you need to get into therapy soon, it's only been two months so you're not completely conditioned by it yet.  I'm just saying, think for yourself, don't let doctors do it for you.

Second, the heart of your question.  Yeah, if it really is anxiety, that's a chronic problem and many people bail on people with chronic problems, whether it's cancer or depression or anxiety.  Some people just can't handle it, and some just aren't very empathetic.  Again, if it's only been two months, I've got to question your husband more than your behavior.  Most of us on this board have had it for years.  Maybe it's you who need to question your husband more than him questioning you.  But if it does turn out to chronic anxiety, then yeah, why lie about it?  It's hard to live with.  I don't much like being with myself, so I understand why others might not want to be with me, either.  The thing is, when you obsess on yourself, even though you can't help it, others have to be very loving not to distance themselves.  I've had this for many years, and have become almost a hermit.  I've lost a lot of relationships.  My wife is someone who is very into herself and not so much concerned with other people, so she's so far been able to deal with it because she doesn't think about it that much, but when it got worse and more constant after a bad medication experience, it's gotten harder for her.  

I can't give you much advice because I've never found a solution to my problem, but I think the ones who have work on it and make a priority of working on it early on.  Having anxiety is being ill just as much as anything else, except you can get better if you learn not to obsess on it so much.  That's hard, and I've never mastered it, but many on this board have.  Your husband isn't the most important thing here, you are, for right now.  

[silverberg]

It is very hard when people don't understand, hell at the start did we know what was going on? I tell people (and a reminder to myself) if I had a broken leg, you could see that, if I had a eye injury, you could see that, but this is something in my head that I can't control, AT THIS TIME, but I am seeking help and trying to get in touch with what makes my body and mind act like this.

Also I tell that person to think of something that scares them (I give them a minute to think) and I repeat something like a snake, rat etc... and now see yourself there, really see yourself there, NOW at that moment of anxiety you just got, well I get that anxiety for longer periods. I really try to give the people I care about a visual of what I feel at times. gives them some insight.