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Am I an in denial lesbian or is it HOCD?
I am really confused lately and I don't know if I am an in denial lesbian or if it is HOCD.
Last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal. For the past two months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can almost always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get horny, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 6 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't. I have only had one boyfriend my entire life but I have also had terrible self esteem so I always assumed that was the reason.. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex, etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian but then I freak out because I never wanted that before!! The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian??
P.S. I have not had my period the past two months, which has happened because of anxiety before but could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings?
P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community.
Last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal. For the past two months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can almost always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get horny, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 6 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't. I have only had one boyfriend my entire life but I have also had terrible self esteem so I always assumed that was the reason.. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex, etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian but then I freak out because I never wanted that before!! The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian??
P.S. I have not had my period the past two months, which has happened because of anxiety before but could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings?
P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community.
Thank you for your input. I have always had little admirations for girls before, celebrities and such but now it is like a sexual desire that I never recognized before. My boyfriend has been my biggest supporter through all of my anxiety. He also has anxiety but he really knows how to get me to think logically. I still love him, I am just not confident that I will be attracted to him like I once was because I find no other men attractive.. at all. The idea of dating a woman feels totally unnatural for me but I could accept it if that was what it came down to. Sometimes, I feel like I would be okay with a woman kissing me or doing sexual things but other times it literally makes me gag. Women are beautiful creatures but I used to think men were also and it concerns me. Also, I can say "I'm gay" and "I'm straight" out loud and feel no difference. I get so stressed out over social situations when I might be around a new girl because I am afraid that I will find her "attractive" whether the feelings are real or not. I always look for guys to see if I find them attractive and I don't.. like ever.
I think all of us women check out other women. Im straight and had a boyfriend for 6 years now and I have checked out women. It's like human nature. We all have weird dreams of course I have had sex dreams about women and I'm not attracted to them. When it comes to reality a naked woman next to me or laying with me wouldn't turn me on like a guy would. Also think about an emotional or physical stand point of a relationship. Would you feel more comfortable with a man or a woman to comfort you? I think you are attracted to men and worrying about past thoughts makes it more of a reality now. I also have OCD and anxiety/panic disorder which I am getting help for soon. Through the whole battle my boyfriend has been my biggest supporter and when you really are in love with someone sex becomes a bond about trust and love and it turns you on. If you really aren't sure get out there and try dating women and if it doesn't feel right then it's not your attraction. Don't get so worked up and live
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