Anxiety and mental breakdown

[Sagine]

I've been experiencing anxiety, I think for a few years now, but even moreso lately. I have been through a lot in my marriage and my family, to the point where I just don't feel myself anymore. I won't go into too much detail about that but my whole family has been a mess ever since my dad divorced my mom three years ago. And my marriage is falling apart. One night my husband was upset with me and hit me with a rolled up piece of paper. I immediately started thinking of my father and how he used to hit me and my siblings. Now this is something I haven't been emotional over for a long time. I was crying and crying, and at one point i started screaming "don't touch me" and I ran from my husband when he grabbed my wrist. I was knocking things over to prevent him from getting to me and even pressed myself against the wall and I was sobbing like a child. I had cried before, but not like this. It was as if I were expecting my dad to grab me any moment. Later I could have sworn that he was shouting at me and I was begging my husband to make him stop shouting. It was very surreal. This was a couple weeks ago..ever since then I have been having bouts with anxiety, and i have been feeling very erratic, like laughing and talking to myself. Yesterday I felt extreme feelings of anxiety overwhelming me and I was shouting at myself to calm down. I really feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know how to regain control of myself. I've been extremely forgetful...no motivation to do house chores or anything, always feeling anxious and angry. I've been depressed for many years...It has progressively gotten worse these days. Is there any answer to all of this? thanks so much for this forum.

~Sagine

[Sagine]

lonewolf, I will definitely look into family services...i'm not sure if they have it here but it's worth checking out. If I rock then you roll! :-)
JSGeare, I decided to leave my  husband because we are are on totally different wavelengths...and yes, his behavior was very mean. When I was on the floor crying he just looked at me and walked back into the bedroom without saying anything. I can understand if he was confused...I wouldn't let him come near me, but I was still hurt that he just walked away. We'll never really be happy together. I got married to young and too soon. Thanks again for all your help.

[JSGeare]

I can't possibly improve upon the collective wisdom you have received, but I would like to emphasize a key point. The answer you seek does exist, and I can tell you exactly where it is. In your head, your brain, your mind, your memories. This is so if for no other reason than it quite literally can NOT be anywhere else. It is the job of therapy with a guide who "knows the territory," (a psychiatrist) to peel back the layers, look under all the rocks, look under all the rocks AGAIN and do such other emotional archaeology as will disclose the key material and allow you to reprocess it. You already know about some childhood memories, so expect more of the same. But now, you will bring your ADULT brain to bear on the issues that you, as a child at a particular time and under certain conditions, could not hope to resolve. Think of it this way: Suppose that you, as a kid, had a very special adult friend who loved you and whom you trusted absolutely. Someone to whom you could say anything. The person who would best fit that role is none other than the adult YOU. Ever said to yourself, "If I knew THEN what I know NOW...? That's the way this works. You DO know now and so are in a much better position to take care of you NOW, then you were THEN.

Now before I go, just one more thing. I share lonewolf's uneasiness with your husband's behavior, and I also see that you have defended him. The issue might not be so much that you were engaged with a piece of paper as opposed to a baseball bat; the issue might be more about a tendency toward aggression generally. I don't know and I can not know if your submissive responses as a kid have in fact been adapted to your husband as an adult male. And whether or not your husband really is a controlling, aggressive type guy is a sort of "profiling" matter for your psychiatrist and you to ponder. We're not looking to place blame here -we (well, you) just need to know which peices go with which puzzle so you can put the picture together.

One here and now thing you can do for help and support? Stay with us, be a part of it. Trust me, we need you as much as you need us. If you have not done so already, you'll soon see a post from someone else that makes you think -"Hey, I know what that's about!" So jump right in.

We're with you on this.

[Rottweiler]

Hi - if your husband's insurance does not cover pschiatry  (one of the very few benefits we get here in Canada), there are often women's organizations that can refer you to one.  You do not have a lot of money, they often have a sliding scale.  A women's group might be helpful too.  I have been to both and they do help although you might have to shop around.  Do you have a United Way or Family services in your area.  They are pretty good and you by income.

So you and FMXSMKR are from California.  My family lives down there, in the Redondo Beach.  Maybe I'll pack my stuff and come down and visit you - uninvited of course and bring my whole family (just kidding).  I really like it there, especially Anaheim and San Diego.  You are both welcome to come to Toronto where the weather is freezing in winter and incredibly humid in the summer.

FMXSMKR and sagine - you both rock!!!!

lonewolf

[Sagine]

Thanks a lot guys. I have to find out who my primary care physician is (it's on my husband's insurance) and see if he will refer me to a psychiatrist. I guess that's a good place to start. I haven't had any anxiety attacks in the past few days. Now I just need to work on getting to sleep at night. I hope you're both having a great day.
FMXSMKR: I see you're from the OC. I live in L.A.

[lonewolf07]

Sagine - I would like to hear updates from you too - say whatever you want or don't say
anything you don't want to.  Hugs to you.

FMXSMKR - you do rock - yo' da (wo)man .... your comments have been invaluable to me as well as your sense of humor = )

lonewolf

[Jade59]

Sagine.....I'm happy I could help and would like to hear updates on you : )

lonewolf.....You're so sweet!  Thanks for the lovely comment.  I'm so glad you're here!!

[lonewolf07]

When I was really young, I learned not to ever take physical or sexual abuse.  Too bad emotional, mental and spritual abused weren't included.

FMXSMKR rox, in my opinion.  I value her comments and advice.  Please feel free to message me whenever you want.  We are all in this togther and sometimes pain becomes more bearable when we are not alone.

lonewolf

[Sagine]

Thanks to everyone..no lonewolf, you've not bored of offended me. It always is encouraging to hear someone else share what they are going through so you know that you're not alone. Yeah I'm having trouble with my husband...he's just that dominant type of person. Things aren't working out so great between us and I believe our marriage will end. I"m 22 by the way...got married kinda young.
FMXSMKR, thank you sooo much for putting a name to what I'm going through. After reading your post, I read the Mayo Clinic article on PTSD and it sounded like me exactly. I got mad at my husband because where he comes from they don't understand psychological problems (most people in his country are just happy overall) so he kept objecting to me seeing a psychiatrist. His main concern was that they were going to try to push drugs on me, but I told him I didn't want any meds, just therapy. So I'm going to do the brave thing and find a psych to see. Thanks again to you all.

[lonewolf07]

Hi - in my opinion, even hitting you with a rolled up piece of paper is unacceptable.  It is quite possible that this behavior might escalate. I wouldn't even hit my dogs.  It is understandable AND a survival reaction that you flash back to what your father did.   It  does sound like PTSD and  seeing a psychiatrist would be the ideal thing to deal with this issue.

I am also concerned for your safety with respect to your husband  - paper hitting and grabbing your wrist.  Do you feel that he is not respecting your personal space or boundaries?

Since I am not a dr I can only tell you what I think.  The behavior you described - the yelling, the crying, the sense of flashback and the feeling of things being surreal are all things I have experienced and for which I needed psychiatric help.  These feelings are scary and awful but also a logical response to what you have been through, both with your husband and your father.

If you were not in control to some degree, you would not have posted here; it takes a lot of strength to reach out to people.  Same thing with respect to losing your mind.  For what it's worth, I feel suicidal (which is what brought me to this site), anxious, depressed, unmotivated, etc.  I think part of you, the strong, survival part, wants to work through this and live, not just exist.

Sorry I have no answers and hope I have not bored or your offended you in any way.

lonewolf

[Jade59]

Professional help would be a psychiatrist or therapist.  A psychiatrist would be your best bet because it sounds like you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  

Please look into this right away!

Best of luck!

[Sagine]

What is professional help? Who do you go to for this?

[fuzzy882]

Your asking?  You need to get some professional help! Like right now.  

Good luck and stay in touch.

[Sagine]

note: my husband isn't really violent..it wasn't really hitting, he more tapped me with the paper. My reaction was more extreme than his action. Also I can't sleep at night at all...I've been up all night this week. It's taking its toll on me.