Scared I'm schiziophrenic

[cassie263]

Well oh this is a goodie Many months ago when I got on zoloft which I am now off of I started having serious doubts about whether I loved my boyfriend or not I mean they were reasonable doubts because he has treated me badly with his depression and we did have our problems but I have never questioned whether I loved him or not I always knew I did I just always questioned it for what seems no reason at all. I have done research on OCD but my thoughts have skyrocketed not just about my boyfriend but other things as well. I have had a variety of symptoms such as a fear of acting on an impulse to harm oneself,fears of acting on an impulse to harm others, fear of violent or horrific images in one’s mind, fear of blurting out obscenities or insults, Telling, asking, or confessing to get reassurance, feeling like I forget all the good times I had and all the memories and stuff, ▪ Feel like don’t love boyfriend for no reason at all and try to break up with him for no reason at all started out as doubts whether I loved him or not than became certain I didn’t things that used to make me happy before aren’t I’m constantly afraid I’m going to say insults to people or think mean thoughts about people that I never thought before in fact I rarely if ever saw the bad in others. I’m afraid I’m going to kill others not that I’d want to but when I’m having the thoughts I think I want to. I think I don’t love my rabbit anymore when I used to be crazy about him. I feel the constant need to tell my mom and boyfriend what I’m thinking harming him but he understands to a degree. I have anxiety symptoms too like a decreased sex drive that I never had before, dizziness, constant feelings of being overwhelmed, fear of dying, fear of losing control, fear of impending doom, think that I’m losing my mind and losing all my memories that I had before, Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings and a number of other worries like that I will kill my rabbit. At first these things seemed like fears but the longer I have them the more they feel real. So my question for you is simple should I break up with my boyfriend or not? Is this real or is this OCD? I'm starting CBT Wednesday but I just want to know if I should dump him or not? I'm not saying I want to but these feelings have turned to numbness and I'm scared even though I have moments of normalcy I truly don't love him. Also I almost ended ruining my relationship and ending it but a few months ago the doubts truly began as to whether I loved my boyfriend or not through a number of different questions such as am I forcing myself to love him? I love him but something inside of me is upset by loving him because not that I don’t love him my mind confuses my heart, mind, and body the thought of not being with him makes me sick but than I worry the thought of being with him makes me sick although there are no facts supporting the fact that being with him makes me sick but there is that I would feel sick and horrible and disgusting if I didn’t I want to stop having obsessive thoughts about this. My mind keeps thinking the only way to erase that is to be friends but every single time I try to be friends I stop myself or feel sick. The thoughts have been going on for a while and sort of warp the way I see him, my feelings, and everything making me hate myself. Sometimes I get thoughts of like hurting him, or saying mean things to him that I really don’t mean, or thinking that I wouldn’t want to do things with him that I know I do. It has also stopped me from enjoying our time together and from me being able to be the happy person I was before these anxious thoughts do you think this is anxiety or should I break up with him? because every time I hang out with him I'm tempted to say he's just a friend and seeing him as only a friend and forgetting him and the more I say he's just a friend the more upset he gets. I miss the things we used to do before this anxiety and I would like to know if it is anxiety or my brain telling me to leave him I cry a lot more than I ever did before to the point that I hate the idea of crying although I don't anymore which scares me and he and my family and friends are sick of hearing about it but these thoughts never die. Then when he does nice things I think I don't derserve them and that him and his mom are being too nice to me because I don't like the person I am currently. I need advice someone help me!! It's like I miss everything we were doing before this anxiety happened not that we had like things people my age do like sex but he's the sweetest most caring guy and I love him but now I'm feeling as if I don't and I don't like myself I think I'm scared to death I mean this man means EVERYTHING to me and yet I can't love him or act like I do and it makes me scared so scared because I think he deserves someone who doesn't have these problems he deserves someone who knows she loves him and it makes me cry because even though he's my first boyfriend and I'm only 19 he has done everything for me and yet I see him in a totally warped way and he's getting sick of it I mean it's horrible some days I forget the things we did and he seems like a stranger or a friend and it scares me because what if I'm not in love? I mean I keep thinking I'm not so it must mean I'm not I don't want a break from him because at this point taking a break will only make the problem worse I feel like I am a living nightmare the nicer he is to me the worse I feel because I don’t find myself deserving of it. I’ve also had thoughts about hurting myself or others even though this isn’t possible since I’m a pacifist and can’t hurt anyone especially myself. I have tried counseling I have tried everything I don’t want to lose him because even though I get thoughts I’m tricking or forcing myself to love him I feel sometimes the same way I did before. I need someone to tell me I’m not a freak and how to control this once and for all.Someone help me! Should I dump my boyfriend? he's amazing but perhaps he doesn't need a nut like me in his life maybe I don't love him maybe we should break up maybe I have no feelings for him anymore maybe I'm going insane nothing makes sense anymore I feel no love for him or anyone I feel nothing I'm living in a nightmare I have no reason not to love him I'm frantic I'm mad and my brain has convinced me I don't love him and keeps telling mean things about him I don't want to dump him I cry at the thought but it's been going on for months so maybe I have to and that makes my heart pace and neausea and I'm horrified I see like nothing in him and I used to see everything in him my life makes me sad and if I get rid of him my life may get worse but he deserves better than me It makes me feel horrible when he says I love you and when he kisses me it doesn't feel the same he seems like a stranger I'm upset and he deserves someone who isn't me and it doesn't help that him and his mom are so nice to me when I'm having these horrible thoughts and feelings I'm a nightmare Did I fall out of love with him randomly or is this anxiety I want to scream now it's not questioning it at all but there is no reason not to question it because I love him and he did nothing wrong I want to be like myself again and now I have sounds like I can hear noises and voices saying things like yeah and horrible images in my head and worried all the time I mean I have voices saying we want to be here and **** and I'm scared it sounds so stupid but my thoughts or whatever are there all the time and they screw with my head making me look for scary things.

[JGF25]

Oh Cassie...I have been there.  I have thought I would harm those I love and the whole nine yards.  First I will start with the good news, people with OCD do not act on their thoughts.  That is all they are, a bunch of irrational thoughts that just keep coming and coming until you feel like you are spinning like a top.  Until you get this part of your life under control, I wouldn't make any rash decisions regarding your boyfriend.  It is hard to tell whether it is OCD or not so just take a step back and concentrate on getting yourself better.  

Luvox is an SSRI and that is what most people with OCD need to be on.  While I do have OCD, I am not on an SSRI but have found something different that just happens to work for me therefore I really cannot comment on the Luvox itself. or its efficacy.  I'm sure somebody on this forum has posted about it.  

All I can tell you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  You will not feel like this forever.  Once you get the right medication in your system and you are feeling better, then you may find that your boyfriend isn't so bad afterall!  And remember, all those thoughts are just absurb irrational thoughts that every OCD sufferer usually has so try not to put too much stock in them...if you can...I know it is hard.  

Keep us posted.  

[Julie359]

Sorry that's meant to say 'no one on here can TELL you...lol

[Julie359]

Well no one on here can you if you should end it with yoiur boyfriend, but what I would say is if you truely feel yoiu don't love him then it kind of says it for itself.  However, your thoughts are somewhat erratic, the way in which you have written the post seems like a pour out of thoughts with not much thought to organisation. You state numerous times that you feel 'fear' so maybe its just an active form of anxiety but no one can diagnose you on here.  You need to see a doctor.  Go to your family doc and get them to refer u onto a shrink and I would say do it sooner rather than later, esspeically as your having thoughts of hurting yourself and others.  You say you tell your mum all your thoughts, what does she say to this?  Has she wanted you to go see the doc?

[cassie263]

And another thing I'm starting luvox and know nothing about it or if it will help with depression/ocd/anxiety