Anxiety/guilt/hiv

[BalkanPower]

Hi guys,

been for a while on medhelp, but never posted in this thread before. I have a problem, and I don't know how to solve it.
From the HIV prevention forum people have told me that giving oral sex to a man poses no risk at all. Well, I have been with my partner for almost 3 years now, and I do love him very much. But 3,5 weeks ago I have performed oral on some other man. 1,5 week ago I started having symptoms similar to the Primary HIV symptoms. From that day I haven't been able to make it through the day normally. I have these enormous anxiety attacks and I can't stop looking at my body and look for changes. Whenever I see a change, doesn't matter how little it is, I automatically link it to HIV and my anxiety gets worse. I've been suffering from diahrea for like a week now, the skin on my hands is peeling from the excessive sweating, suffer from shortness of breath, I wake up with with negative thought, and I go to sleep with negative thoughts. It seems like a circle; wheneever i notice something new my anxiety gets worse.

Thing get only more complicated because the situation I'm in now is my own fault, and realistically I cannot ask my boyfriend for mental support. He thinks there is nothing to be afraid of, cause he doesn't know about the risk I've had. That further fuels my anxiety and I just cannot come out of it. But I also can't keep everything to myself, cause that is killing me inside. Because of this anxiety, guilt and fear I have no control of my own life anymore and I just don't know what to do.

I hope someone can give me some useful advise how to make it through this period, cause I just don't see what I could do:(

Thank you for reading this.

Alen

[BalkanPower]

hey! i couldn't hold it in any longer, and so I've told him. He reacted very calmly saying he expected something like that and that it's only a relief for him that I have been honest with him. He said he didn't feel any anger or disappointment, only relief.

I've noticed a huuuuge amount of stress disappearing from my body. Couldn't eat all week, but after I told him I got hungry right away! Still nervous about the HIV, but did a 3,5 rapid test today and that one was negative, so that's hopeful, even though I have to wait a few more weeks for a conckusive test.

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my story!!

[cheshchesh819]

i am so pleased you told him before he found out,and that he was calm about it,he sounds like a good guy,so hold on to him and no more slips,be happy with what you have because he sounds special,as for your tests they will be fine i know but please let me know what the outcome is,message me,i knew once the guilt was lifted off you you would start to feel better,look at this as a second chance grab it with both hands and enjoy it.

[cheshchesh819]

if you really want to tell your partner then tell him,but please make sure it is for the right reasons and not just to ease your guilt,because once he is told it will hurt like hell believe me,and there will be so much emotion and upset to deal with,i aint saying you wont get through it because you can,i did,maybe you should talk to your doctor about speaking to a specialist about your feelings and fears,this is not the end of the world and believe what you have done has made you ten times worse,once you have dealt with the guilt in whatever way to see fit to you can concentrate on your anxiety issue,but you have you face your fears and that before you can tackle the anxiety.

[BalkanPower]

Hi,

thanx for your reply. Guilt is definately a biiig part of my anxiety attacks, and you're right about the fact that things get worse cause I can't talk to him about it. I really, really, really want to tell him the truth, cause I don't want to carry these kinds of secrets within a relationship. But if I confess what I have done, and he decided I'm not worth the trouble anymore, than I will be totally alone in my fear and anxiety about HIV. My anxiety level has reached it's maximum up to the point that I cannot concentrate on my work, that I always need someone around, i feel my neck and forehead all the times to see if I have a fever, the ride from work to home is one big nightmare, i stay glued to the couch the whole evening, can't eat etc.....Tomorrow i have a doctor's appointment, AND a hiv quick test (even though it will be far from conclusive 3,5 weeks after encounter, i just need reassurence that I'm still negative at this point). Never had this in my life, never stressed about anything, but now there are moments I hope I go to sleep and never wake up again so I just don't have to feel all this stress...

[cheshchesh819]

you have done the ultimate sin and you are paying for it through your own guilt,i really dont think you have anything to worry about health wise,but if it is causing you stress then pop to your doctors,as for your one night fling,that just proves wasnt worth it,if you have choosen not to tell your partner,lets just hope he never finds out,and that you can get through the guilt you are feeling,because i think this is why you are suffering with the anxiety worse at the moment,and its made worse because you cant talk to your partner about it,please try to restrain yourself from further temptation in the future,it just aint worth losing what you have for a one night stand.